Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (37 page)

“I’m not taking Ken’s side. I’m trying to help you get out of a very difficult corner. You see Ken as backing you into this corner, and you want him to back off. But you are backing him into a corner, and only you can get the two of you out of it.”

“I’m not pressuring Ken, he’s pressuring me!”

“Knowing he wants to have sex pressures you.”

“I’m starting to feel pressured by
you
.”

Barbie was entering reptile-mode. I paused to cool things off. I wanted to help her see she was up against a system that was bigger than her feelings, and the only good way to handle it was to come to grips with it.

“Would you believe Ken if he told you he would never want sex again?”

“No!”

“And if he did promise this, would you respect him? Would you feel more desire for him?”

“No!”

“Then there is no way Ken can get you out of your dilemma. You problem is you’re living with a man who you know wants to have sex. Even if he promises to give up sex forever, you will still feel pressured.”

“Maybe you can’t see my position because you’re a man.”

“I see the exact same situation in couples where the man is in your position—and has your feelings—and the woman is in Ken’s role. I also see this in same-sex couples all the time. What you’re going through isn’t happening because you’re a woman and Ken’s a man.”

Barbie was running out of maneuvering room. She said, “I’m not going to let Ken abuse me.” Her message was
I’m not going to look at this any other way. I like my way of looking at things. It’s a defensible position
.

“I don’t think you should let Ken abuse you, either. But the problem here is that you agreed to monogamy, and now you want switch to celibacy. When Ken wants to stick to the original deal, you call this being pressured.”

“I feel abused.”

“I have no doubt that sometimes Ken is abusive. My understanding is emotional abuse is standard fare in your house.” In spite of herself, Barbie laughed. When she did, Ken laughed with her. This was momentary acknowledgement of them having an emotionally abusive relationship.

“If it’s abuse to force someone to do something they don’t want to do, is it abuse to force someone to give up sex they’d legitimately like to have?”

All three of us knew the answer to my question. Barbie was bright. Even if she didn’t agree, she could follow my logic. The point I laid out was important for her to hear. But beyond that, I wanted to see if she was willing to tolerate discomfort for growth.

Barbie said, “It’s different. It’s just different. That’s all I can say.” Her message was
I can see where you’re headed, and I’m not going there. I’m not dealing with this
.

I was quiet for a moment. It was my responsibility to make more than a casual effort to help Barbie. I decided to speak more directly to her. I kept my voice soft and focused on giving a grounded response. I leaned forward in my chair, signaling I was reaching out to her.

“I’ve seen a lot of couples in situations similar to yours. I’d guess you’re thinking it’s pretty late in the game, and things are hopeless. But I’ve seen couples take stock of their situation, confront themselves, make difficult changes, and come out farther ahead then they imagined. If you are willing to do what it takes, I’d be glad to help you do that.”

“I’m not going to allow myself to be abused.” Barbie declined my invitation. I had to try one more time after giving her several seconds.

“There’s a lot more going on here than whether you have sex with Ken. If you hold on to your self, you could significantly change your life.”

“Nobody’s going to make me do what I don’t want to do!”

Barbie declined my third bid. Further efforts would only make her feel more pressured. I sat back in my chair.

“Please include me in that group. I’m not going to make you do what you won’t do. It wouldn’t help you, and besides, I can’t.” Barbie looked momentarily surprised.

“Your problem is not as simple as Ken pressuring you for sex. Now
your relationship
is pressuring you. Pressuring the best in you to stand up. The part that understands fair play and right and wrong. Mindlessly repeating, ‘I don’t have to if I don’t want to’ isn’t going to help you. You don’t have to confront yourself here, but you don’t have infinite choices.”

I’ve said before that how you go into gridlock determines how you come out of it. The responses you make shape your life and the person you become. By confronting yourself through your sexual desire problems, you can become capable of relating on an entirely different basis (
Chapter 12
). Unfortunately, not everyone moves forward when the situation presents itself. This is where you and your life history interact with the people-growing machinery of marriage. Deals made at the outset come back to haunt you.

Marriage takes your lowest, weakest, and darkest parts and stuffs them up your nose until you can’t stand yourself as you are. That’s a good thing, because it often takes crises and pain for us to do something about it. The weaker your Four Points of Balance, the more pain and crisis it takes to mobilize you. (Next chapter we’ll discuss reaching critical mass for change.)

That’s one benefit of accurately labeling normal marital sadism: It hurts to see yourself inflicting pain on others. Hopefully this creates internal conflict and crisis. But if you refuse to confront yourself, then concepts like normal marital sadism are worse than a waste of time. The worst in you will likely misuse this powerful label.

I’ve seen people get through similar problems and go on to have a lovely marriage. Unlike Barbie and Ken, they were willing to tolerate discomfort for growth. A
lot
of discomfort. When we first identified normal marital sadism, Barbie and Ken were somewhat embarrassed. Our conversations about torture and cruelty impacted them. This is where your Fourth Point of Balance is incredibly important.

Your willingness to tolerate pain for growth determines whether things change or not. It separates my successful couples from those who don’t do well. It’s not how many problems they have, how long they’ve had them, or how bad they’ve gotten. Meaningful Endurance is the key to moving things forward.

You can stop normal marital sadism and repair your relationship. Normal marital sadism is
normal
, it’s not a disease. Human resilience goes hand-in-hand with our propensity to torture each other. Resilience (enduring discomfort for growth) is what you need to get the sadist in you under control.

Having said that, some clients don’t stop when confronted with the truth of their lives. Barbie just kept going. Her attitude was,
Well, that’s the way the world is. I have to look out for myself
. She also burned her bridges behind her, so she couldn’t turn around.

Barbie entered our next session saying, “Ken has ignored me for years.
I’m not going to live with someone who can’t be nice to me and then pressures me to have sex.” It meant,
The topic of sex is now closed. If you persist I will leave
.

I turned to Ken. “Where does this leave you?”

Ken looked pale and didn’t say anything for several seconds. “… I don’t know … Maybe I need to give her more time … I need more time … I need to think about this.” Barbie needed a way out. Ken backed down and gave it to her.

Barbie said, “We both need time to heal. We’ve done a lot of damage to ourselves, and I think we need spiritual help. I know I do. I’ve made an appointment for a spiritual counselor to see us.” Meaning:
instead of you
.

I turned to Ken. “Is this what you want to do?’

I thought Ken might hesitate, but he didn’t. “Well, maybe this other person can help us. I think we need to find someone Barbie feels she can work with. If she thinks this other person can help her, I owe it to her and our relationship to go along.”

I paused to mark this moment. Respecting the co-creative process is not always easy. Ken and Barbie were shaping their lives in that instant. I said, “I see. Then it’s not clear whether you will divorce or stay together. But am I correct that you’re terminating with me?” Barbie nodded. Ken agreed.

“Well, in therapy, in marriage—or in bed for that matter—
how
you do it makes the critical difference. I suggest, whatever you do, do it straight. Things will turn out better in the long run.”

Barbie looked at me with a cold smile. I read it as
You don’t get it. You’re not going to get through to me. I am not going to acknowledge what I’m doing
.

Barbie put on her sunglasses. “Thank you for all your help, Doctor. Good-bye.”

IDEAS TO PONDER

Sexual desire problems often involve Normal Marital Sadism (NMS) by both the high desire partner and the low desire partner. Your Four Points of Balance are greatly involved in tolerating extreme ambivalent feelings towards those you love. They make it easier to soothe the tensions of loving
and
hating your partner, and accepting that your partner probably loves and hates you too.

People are often sadistic when dodging their two-choice dilemmas.

Partners eat each other’s hearts. If you want to torture your partner, one of the best ways to do it is around sex. The best way out of this kind of cruelty involves (a) giving a clear and complete accounting of yourself and what you’ve been doing, and (b) giving your partner a fair shot at his own vision of happiness.

S
ome people don’t grow when given the chance. It’s hard to make yourself step up and face the issues in your life. You can know what to do and still not make a move, because you’re not willing to actually face your fears. It’s understandable. Who wants to confront their demons? But that’s not the question love relationships pose. Marriage asks,
Are you willing to stand up now, or do things have to get worse?