Into the Light (Untwisted series Book 3) (15 page)

After ringing the bell I fidgeted on the spot, eager to get in and seek the advice I needed, but to my growing impatience Nicholas took an absolute age to answer the door. Tutting my frustration I glared at my watch in agitation and baulked slightly when I saw how early it was. Shit, it wasn’t even 8 o’clock yet. I’d been so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I hadn’t realised it was well outside of respectable visiting hours, especially for a Sunday morning. Weighing up my choices with a grimace I decided to stay. Well, I was here now and I’d no doubt already woken them when I’d rung the bell so I may as well stay, I thought, ringing the bell again and adding in a brisk knock just for luck.

After another few minutes ticked by laboriously I heard sounds of life from behind the wooden door. After two locks clicked back and a chain was removed Nicholas finally opened it up, looking decidedly dishevelled in jeans and a rumpled T-shirt, his hair a messy mop on his head. I raised an eyebrow and smirked at him, if it hadn’t been so early in the morning I would have labelled his look as ‘thoroughly well fucked,’ but seeing as it was barely half past seven in the morning his crumpled looks were more likely down to my rude interruption of his sleep.

‘Early enough for you, bro?’ he enquired with a twist on his lips as he stood back to allow me to enter.

‘Yeah … sorry Nicholas, I didn’t realise the time until I got here,’ I apologised lamely. Now I was here I felt awkward. Nicholas was my little brother; yeah, we might both be grown men now, but I suddenly had reservations about sharing my thoughts about Stella with him. What if it turned out that Stella didn’t share my feelings? I didn’t want him to see me fail at something so monumental – I was supposed to be
his
role model, not the other way round. My sudden indecision made me pause, and so for the time being I kept my mouth shut and pretended my visit was merely a social call. A very anti-socially early call, I thought with another twist of my lips.

After yawning so cavernously that I again felt guilty for waking him, Nicholas set about putting on the coffee maker and I suddenly became aware of someone else entering the room. Turning, I saw Rebecca had joined us. She looked more presentable than Nicholas did, with her hair brushed and smoothed down, but I noticed that she wore no make-up yet – not that it affected her looks in the slightest. In fact she was possibly more attractive in her natural state like this.

Suddenly I couldn’t suppress my urge to get this stuff off my chest any longer as a brilliant flash of inspiration hit me; it wasn’t Nicholas who could help me sort out my issues – it was Rebecca. She’d effectively tamed my brother, surely she could advise me?

‘I need to speak to you,’ I announced abruptly, eyeing Rebecca as she tensed at my words. Simultaneously from the corner of my eye I saw Nicholas mirror her tension and turn from the coffee maker with a frown.

‘Whatever you want to say you can say in front of Rebecca,’ Nicholas replied in a cool tone, eyeing me with a look of suspicion that I didn’t understand at all.

‘Not you, Nicholas, I want to speak to Rebecca,’ I said calmly. ‘In private.’ I added, turning myself towards her again but keeping my eyes averted. I couldn’t help myself, I almost chuckled when she took a step back in surprise. I wasn’t completely stupid, I’d noticed her hostility towards me at dinner last night, I’d assumed it was due to her lack of understanding over my relationship with Stella, but seeing this reaction today perhaps it was more like a fear of me. Whatever it was she needed to get over it because I wanted her advice and I would damn well get it before I left here today.

Nicholas strode over the kitchen and slung an arm around Rebecca, still eyeing me dubiously. Ah, so that was what his look meant! A grin wanted to break on my lips, but I suppressed it – if he thought I was trying to steal his girl he couldn’t be more wrong. Leaning down, he dropped an overly possessive kiss on Rebecca’s lips and then headed back to the coffee maker, ‘Five minutes,’ he said to me firmly. ‘Then I’m coming in,’ he promised as he turned back to the coffee.

Five minutes should be plenty of time to say what I needed to – it wasn’t like I was the world’s greatest talker when it came to emotional shit. Turning abruptly I headed for the downstairs lounge where I immediately set about pacing in front of the fire place. Damn it, now I was here with Rebecca I didn’t even know where to start.

A huffed, anxious breath escaped my lips before I began. ‘You can’t tell Nicholas about this,’ I warned in a low tone that instantly made Rebecca begin to back away from me again. Fuck it, terrifying the woman wasn’t going to get me the help I wanted, I needed to seriously chill the fuck out. Perhaps if I softened my voice that would put her at ease? Keeping my eyes averted I stepped closer, reigned in my voice to a whisper and started at the only logical place, the beginning.

‘Nicholas has told you about our past?’ I questioned urgently, God I hope so because that was one shit storm of details I didn’t want to be getting into right now, talking about my childhood last night with Stella was more than enough reminiscing for me right now.

‘Um, yes,’ she responded, looking thoroughly confused and a tiny bit petrified.

‘Nicholas had it a lot worse than me as a kid. Dad used to hit me too, but I always thought he was trying to make me better, punishing me so I could learn, you know what I mean?’ I asked, thinking back to my childhood and how I’d been sure that Dad had been doing what he thought was best for me. Doing it because he loved me. Something solid and uncomfortable seemed to stick in my throat as I thought about how desperate I’d been for my father to love me and be proud of me, wincing, it took me several large swallows for me to clear it.

It was only when Nicholas began getting the same treatment with the belt that I had begun to doubt things really, but I’d never understood if it had actually been wrong, or if perhaps Nicholas just hadn’t been able to see the positives of the punishments and cope with it like me.

‘Uhh, I suppose so.’ Rebecca replied hesitantly and I immediately knew she didn’t understand. No-one would. Only I knew how it had felt, like a singular, all powerful way of gaining my father’s acceptance.

‘My parents never expressed their love for one another. All I saw was my father’s dominance over the household, his unyielding strength – they were united in some strange way but never affectionate.’ My voice was clipped as I thought about my childhood in that small, sterile, stifling house of ours, but there were certain things she needed to understand before I asked for her advice. ‘Never loving,’ I finished with a frown and a shake of my head as images of my father and last night’s dream clouded my head again.

‘OK …’ Rebecca said softly. ‘Where do I fit in to this, Nathan, what did you want to talk to me about?’

There was no point skirting the issue any more, I may as well get straight to the point now, just like I would in a business meeting. ‘I want what you have,’ I stated calmly and simply.

Watching carefully I saw Rebecca’s eyes widen in surprise and then confusion. Clearly she didn’t understand me so I elaborated as best as I could. ‘I want to be like you and Nicholas. I can see he’s happy,
genuinely happy
with you, Rebecca, and you with him. When you sat together last night I could literally see the love passing between you, it was amazing. I’ve never witnessed that before. I’m not sure I’m capable … but I want it.’ My eyes uncharacteristically flicked to hers and she boldly held my gaze as she processed my words.

‘With Stella?’ she enquired, the astonishment clear in her voice, which was a fairly natural response given who she was talking about I suppose. To be honest I was pretty fucking astonished to be expressing this shit too.

I choked out a half bark, half laugh at her last question. Of course with Stella! Who the fuck else would I be talking about? But I didn’t say that out loud, thankfully I suppressed my outrage and answered calmly, ‘Yes. But I … I don’t know how,’ I confessed, feeling suddenly vulnerable and wholly uncomfortable. This was the difficult part, I wasn’t in control anymore and that terrified me.

‘Tell her.’ Rebecca said simply, with a shrug as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

‘No.’ I shook my head defiantly, my words growling from my throat again, ‘Words mean nothing very little to me. As a child, my mother would always say she loved us, but then when Nicholas was hurt it was always me cleaning his injuries,’ I winced briefly as I thought back to that awful day when I’d found Nicholas bleeding out. His pale blue bedroom carpet had been almost black with blood around his naked body. A bone jarring shudder shook my entire body, tensing my muscles and leaving me with an uncomfortable ache along my spine.

‘I need to
show
Stella that I want to be with her, what do I do?’ I demanded softly.

Pausing as she considered my question I watched Rebecca roll her lips between her teeth as she thought, just as Stella often did. ‘Well, if I were you I’d start by ripping up any ‘submissive’ contract you have with her.’ My eyebrows rose at her mention of a contract, clearly Nicholas had told her more about my relationship with Stella than I’d expected. ‘Take her out for a meal in public together, buy her flowers, hold her hand, kiss her, make her feel special, make her feel like an equal.’ She reeled off a list of things that I’d never done before with anyone and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into a terrifying well of uncharted territory. Holding hands? Flowers?
Fuck
.

An image of my brother from last night sprung to my mind, ‘Touch her like you and Nicholas last night?’ I asked, remembering how he’d held her hand at dinner and in return she’d kissed his knuckles. ‘When he held your hand and you kissed him?’ God, I felt so fucking clueless, but my embarrassment about talking to Rebecca had gone now, replaced by my desperate need to learn what I needed from her.

‘Yes, exactly like that,’ she agreed with an encouraging nod and a smile. Perhaps I was winning Rebecca around at last.

Chewing on my lip I asked a question that had been going round and round my head since I’d laid down and cradled Stella to sleep last night. ‘Do you think she likes me?’ I was well aware just how open that question left me, not to mention how juvenile I sounded.

Rebecca paused for a second narrowing her eyes before rolling her shoulders and answering, ‘Well, obviously I’ve only met Stella once, but yes, I think she likes you, Nathan, in fact she told me she wants to be with you,’ she confirmed, ‘and when she looked at you her eyes lit up, that’s always a good sign.’

Eyes lit up? What the fuck was she, the Blackpool Illuminations? My back straightened at this bizarre news and I stepped closer to Rebecca to demand more details. ‘Her eyes lit up, explain what you mean?’ I mumbled, confused by the idea of such a concept. Rebecca shifted uncomfortably and I realised that by invading her personal space I’d made her feel intimidated again without even meaning too. God, I really was a heavy handed jerk, wasn’t I? I seriously needed to lighten up if I wanted to make a go of things with Stella, I couldn’t have her scared of me too. In fact the thought that Stella
could
be scared of me was enough to turn my stomach.

‘People can smile but you know it’s real if it reaches their eyes. When Stella smiled at you it reached her eyes.’ Rebecca explained simply. Reached Stella’s eyes? My nostrils flared as I huffed out an impatient breath. I really was no clearer on what Rebecca was talking about, but apparently my confusion was obvious because Rebecca let out a sigh and then gave me a sympathetic look which I didn’t care for too much.

‘OK, watch me smile,’ she instructed patiently. So I did, skimming my gaze all over her face. Her lips had curved upwards but that was about all I could observe as different from before.

‘Now watch again and see if you can see a difference,’ she told me. There was a pause where she did nothing, but then suddenly Rebecca’s whole face shifted in one smooth motion. Her lips curved upwards again, but this time her eyes changed, crinkling at the corners and warming somehow. I could tell a liar in my business boardroom from a mile off, but bloody hell, how had I never been aware of this stuff before?

My eyebrows had risen significantly, ‘I see it …’ cocking my head to further examine her, I had a huge urge to reach out and touch what she was feeling, but thank fuck some of my sense remained and I managed to keep my hands at my sides before I made a complete prat out myself. ‘Your cheeks have flushed and your eyes are …
twinkling
.’ I muttered disbelievingly. ‘When did Stella look like this?’

‘As soon as you told her eye contact was permitted,’ she shrugged, and I tried to cast my mind back to last night, we’d been sat on the sofa … yeah, actually now I think of it, something had felt different about that moment with Stella, significant somehow. ‘… and at the dinner table when you whispered something to her she had looked genuinely thrilled.’

It was rare for me to blush, but I did now as I remembered the moment Rebecca was referring to, I’d reached under the table and stroked Stella’s upper thigh as I spoke to her and it had made me get an instant hard-on that had lasted for the remainder of the bloody meal. Talk about inconvenient.

‘Can I ask what you said to her?’ Rebecca blurted out rather tactlessly, making me frown.

I wasn’t massively keen to share my secrets, but seeing as Rebecca was doing her best to assist me with my questions I should probably try and loosen up a bit. I looked away and cleared my throat several times before answering, ‘She doesn’t usually socialise with me if I have company, but I was intrigued by your relationship with Nicholas and wanted her to see it too. That was the first time she’s joined me for dinner with guests so I said she was doing very well.’ I admitted pausing awkwardly, ‘and I told her … I told her she looked very beautiful.’ I missed out the part about the raging hard-on – Rebecca didn’t need to know
that
much detail.

Suddenly grinning at me, Rebecca practically danced on the spot with apparent glee. ‘Do more things like that, she’ll love it,’ she encouraged me enthusiastically, stepping forwards and patting my arm reassuringly. ‘Don’t be afraid to tell her what’s in your head,’ she advised, and I immediately cringed at her words. There was no way I was telling Stella some of my dark, perverted thoughts about her and the many things I wanted to do to her lush little body.