Jake' Journal: The Riverdale Series Companion (2 page)

I hated you at times. I hated when you said the chemotherapy would cause me to lose my hair. I really hated you when you told me I might never be able to have kids as a result of all this shit. Cara wants kids. How fair would that be to her? Yeah, you weren’t one of my favorite people at that moment. I hated you the most after the first round of chemo was finished and you had the results of my scan. Nothing had changed. Not a damn thing. I was ready to give up. I told myself I couldn’t go through another round that, there was no point. I’d only get sick and feel miserable for it not to work anyway.

You didn’t allow me to give up. I thank you for that. That’s why I’m sitting in the waiting room, writing this letter today waiting, for you to call me and give me my second round of chemotherapy. I have faith that you and your staff have a plan for me if it doesn’t work this time either. I guess it’s true when they say you gotta keep the faith.

Head up, Chin Up,

Jake

I always knew that Luke, Sam, and I were beyond blessed to have you and mom as our parents. I don’t think there are three other kids on this planet who have been shown the love we have. But, I hope there is. I hope there are families out there like ours. It seems unfair that not everyone gets to experience the joy of their family like we do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood and how much fun it was. The best thing you and mom gave us was the ability to just be kids. I don’t remember a time when the struggles of life ever affected my childhood. All I remember is the fun and the laughter. There was so much laughter and mostly because of you.

I’d like to think I get my charming sense of humor from you, dad. I didn’t allow myself to think much about being a father. I wanted kids, but thought I had my whole life for that kind of stuff. But I did hope that when I did have them I’d be the kind of father you are. The kind of dad that laughs with his kids but still guides them. The kind of dad that “knows a guy” when his son is battling cancer and gets him a bag of pot. Never thought I’d see the day.

I know you said it’s our little secret, and I promise I will take it to my grave, but shit its funny. I keep picturing Luke’s eyes bulging out of his head if I told him. I get it that some people might judge the situation but well, if there son was suffering do you think they’d deny their own? I’m going to say no.

Pop, it’s just another quirky way of yours to help. You’re a laid back guy, you roll with the punches but when it’s something you are passionate about you are the first to open your mouth or the first to find a solution. Albeit, your words aren’t always conventional, nor are your actions but you find a way to get your message through in that Joe Lanza kind of way. If you ask me your way is the way to go. I love that about you. You don’t care what anyone thinks, you just act yourself. You’re never trying to abide by a rule book other than the one you’ve made for yourself. You’re my idol dad.

Thanks for the herb and for being you,

Jake

1. Marry Cara.
   
2. Open up a custom bike shop that specializes in stunt bikes.
   
3. Dance with my mom at my wedding.
   
4. Jump out of a plane. (With a parachute of course)
   
5. Have a kid.
   
6. Tattoo kids name to my chest next to Cara’s tattoo over my heart.
   
7. Buy Ava her first car.
   
8. Pay Nick back for taking the rap for me. (Not quite sure how I’m going to do that one)
   
9. Dance with my sister at her wedding.
   
10. Be my brother’s hero.
    
11. Trademark Eyebrow wiggling. (Can I even do that?)
    
12. Tattoo something on my dad. (I’m thinking “I Love Deb” or “Ask Deb”)
    

I was flipping through the pages of this book and I thought it was crazy how I couldn’t bring myself to write one damn letter to you. I don’t want you to think I forgot about you. I could never forget about you, you are embedded in my heart and soul. The truth is, I can’t find the words that are adequate enough to tell you everything I want to say. I can’t find the words to tell you how much you truly mean to me. You see these words will be the words that are left when I’m gone. The words that I write in this book will be here long after the memories of me begin to fade. The words I say in this book to you, are the words that you’ll remember me by forever.

I’m not ready to say those words. I’m not ready to even find them yet. I’m still here. There are still memories to be made and words to be spoken out loud. We still have time, baby.

I love you.

Love Always & Forever,

Jake

I’m finally caving. Why me? What the hell did I ever do to you? So maybe I wasn’t a boy scout. And Maybe I did a couple of things one might consider bad but I swear it was all for a good reason. What could I have ever done that was so bad, that I pissed you off so much, that you would do this to me?

I’m not a bad person. I’m not. I mean I could probably go to church more often. All right, so haven’t been to church since my confirmation, but really this is how you pay me back? Look I’m ready to make a deal. I’m at your mercy. I’ll do whatever I have to do. Please, just please let the results come back that the chemo is making some sort of difference.

Sincerely,

A Devoted Holy Roller If You Turn This Around

You and I never had the pleasure of meeting one another and although I’ve visited your grave countless times I think it’s time I formally introduce myself to you. I am Jake Lanza. I am the man who is hopelessly in love with your daughter. I’m the man who wants to make her happy, the man who wants to love and cherish her always.

She was just a kid when you passed away, cheating you of the chance to know what an amazing woman she has become. Life is unfair like that. You see just as you missed out on your little girl turning into a teenager, and eventually into a woman, I am going to miss her blossom from the woman I know and love into a mother, one day a grandmother. Like I said, life has a way of being unfair.

Cara remembers you. She can describe your features in great detail. I know that you had a beauty mark on the right side of your mouth. I tried to draw you a bunch of times, simply from her memory alone. I’ve never showed your daughter any of the sketches I’ve done though, afraid they won’t depict you as perfectly as she remembers you. Is that any consolation to missing out on her life? The fact that she remembers you so perfectly? I wonder this because I’m afraid she’ll forget me. Will she be able to describe my features years after I’m gone? I guess these thoughts are somewhat selfish so do you mind if we keep this between us? Just two people who loved Cara more than anything on Earth and two people who will love her for eternity.

It would’ve been nice to have met you. I wonder if you would’ve approved of me for your daughter. I might not be the ideal man you would’ve hoped for her to be with but I can assure you no one loved her more than me and I’m pretty sure no one ever will. Anyway, I would’ve charmed you and I think you would’ve maybe liked me for the simple fact that I always respected Cara.

Corinne can I ask you a favor? Think you can meet me at the gates and maybe show me the ropes? I’ll be looking for you. The beautiful woman with the warmest green eyes. Her brown hair flowing in curls around her face. You’ll be smiling the sweetest smile and I’ll instantly know it’s you because I’ve been told that smile is one I’ll never forget. A smile that even a young girl who barely remembers her childhood, never forgot.

See you soon,

Jake (I’ll be the one wiggling my eyebrows at the gates)

.

I’m not even sure why I am writing to you. It’s not like I feel the need to make peace with you or anything like that. By no means is this a letter of apology. I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about that night at the trucker’s stop. Maybe it’s because Nick is back in town and every time I see his face, I think of the way he saved my ass that night.

I tried to kill you and I’m pretty sure I would’ve if Nick hadn’t shown up when he had. Come to think of it, maybe you should write a letter to Nick, thanking him for saving your ass too. I had so much hatred for you. How could you treat Cara the way that you did? It doesn’t matter. There is no excuse for the way you treated her. She didn’t deserve that but you know what? You didn’t deserve her.

I hate that she had to endure the shit you put her through but sometimes I wonder if you had been a father to her if she would be in my life. I think so. I think no matter what paths our lives would’ve taken, Cara and I would’ve found each other. That shit was written in the stars.

I’m not really certain where I meant to go with this letter. I thought about thanking you for being a shit dad, but maybe you didn’t know any better. I don’t know. I know that you missed out on a great girl and if in any point of your life you get a chance to repair your wrongs, I hope you take it. I hope you get to see that you didn’t break her you just made her stronger.

The guy who picked up the pieces and would do it again in a heartbeat,

Jake

You know what sucks worse than having cancer and knowing you very well might die? Watching the people who love you worry that you might die. Yeah, that sucks big time. Cara is afraid to leave my side. It’s as if she’s afraid if she goes to the bathroom, she will come back and I will have checked out. It’s eating away at her and I don’t know what to do to change that. She has been trying so hard to keep it together in front of me but when she thinks I’m sleeping I hear her cry. I want to open my eyes and console her because it might be the only chance I have to actually help her through her grief. But, I don’t. I let her think I’m asleep because if I open my eyes she will quickly put on her big girl panties and pretend like she wasn’t crying. Everyone should be entitled to break once in a while. Not everyone can be strong like me and write their feelings down in a journal. Christ, it just sounds gay.

Cara isn’t the only one I’ve been watching take my impending death hard. Luke is a basket case. My sickness is the one thing he can’t fix. The one thing he has no control over and it’s driving him insane. I don’t like watching my brother, who has always been so very well put together, become unhinged. Especially at my expense.

You know what I wish? Not to be cured, because there are children who are dying from my disease. Little kids die each and every day from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, how fair would it be to ask God to cure me and not them? No, I wish for, well two things. I wish for a cure for the children that will be diagnosed long after I am gone. They deserve a fair shot at life. My second wish is that when I’m gone I can find a way for the people I love to live their lives without me.

Let’s be honest, I’m a hot commodity. It’s going to be real hard to forget Jake Lanza. (Insert eyebrow wiggle) I don’t want Cara to forget me but I want her to be able to move on without me. I don’t know how she will do that because for so long it’s been me and her against the world. Even before the sexy time, when we were just friends. Just Jake and Cara. I don’t know if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had to live without her if I really could. I’m just thankful that the roles aren’t reversed. Give me all the cancer in the world, just don’t give it to her. Don’t let her ever have to endure this.

Anyway, I might be rambling but guess what? The best part of this journal shit is that there are no rules. There is no right or wrong way to express the shit running through my head. You know what else? You know what I got out of writing in this book today? The best idea of my life. I’m going to come up with a way for the people I love to remember me but move on with their lives. I want them to know I appreciate the love they have for me but more than anything I want them to grab life by the balls and live. Live for me. Live for my memory, but live for the future that is all theirs.

Yours Truly,

The Genius of Ideas Jake

I’m writing you this letter in hopes that if I die and you still haven’t got your head out of your ass, that the poor soul who finds this book gives you this letter. Okay so I’m dead right? Or well I will be if you are reading this. I’m dead which means my happily ever after is dead too. Dead before it even had a full chance of happening. So you know what that means? Stop wasting time because no one knows when theirs is up.

I know you’re stubborn and sometimes I make excuses for it because well, your my little sister but stop being stubborn and chase your happiness. I’m not saying chase Nick, because I’d hate to think of you chasing any man, even Nick. But chase your dreams and what will make you happy. Don’t always hold back because you think people are going to talk about you or that you will be a fool. Sometimes you might be the fool. But do you know what happens after you’re the fool? You’re stronger, you’re wiser, you don’t let yourself be the fool anymore.