Jake' Journal: The Riverdale Series Companion (7 page)

      
Have I told you how fucking sexy you are? Probably not in a while. I’m sorry for that. You deserve to be told that every day. You deserve to feel that the man your with can hardly control himself when you enter the room. I want to turn back the clock and go back to the nights I’d walk into Rudy’s, our eyes would catch, and I’d growl. Honest to god, I’d growl a real deal animalistic growl. You didn’t hear them or at least I don’t think you ever did. I couldn’t control it, whenever my eyes locked on yours, I’d growl because you were that fucking sexy and I wanted you.

I must’ve told myself a thousand times I was crazy, that you were off limits, you were my best friend. But goddamn Cara, I wanted you. I wanted you bad. I tried to tell myself I spent night after night in that bar so that no one would mess with you. I rationalized it by telling myself that I would do the same thing if it was Sam working in a bar. All big fat lies. I was there night after night because while I may not have allowed myself to physically have you, I did allow myself to dream. Staring at you for hours, memorizing each and every curve, the way your ass looked in jeans, hoping to get a glimpse of cleavage every time you wiped down the bar. All those nights fueled many dreams, and Christ I’m not ashamed to admit it either.

The first time I saw you naked I thought I had died. You tried to cover yourself, I guess it was a little awkward, but I stopped you. I needed to see every single inch of you. I needed to see if that body I fantasized about was anything like my dreams, lucky for me it exceeded all of them.

I’m a lucky man. I only wish I could enjoy you more. Actually, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Just for a moment. Then maybe you’ll know how unbelievably sexy I think you are and how sorry I am that I can’t show you each and every night.

Love You Always and Forever,

Jake

I should hate you but I can’t. I should resent you but I don’t. I respect you, whoever the hell you are. I know my death will break Cara. It’s inevitable. I can put all the plans in place that I think would help her deal with my death but in the end I will not be able to fill the void my death will leave behind. Only you can do that.

It won’t be easy, picking up the pieces of the fractured girl she’ll be when you first meet her. In fact it will be hard as hell because she can be real stubborn. I hope your patient, because it’s going to take a patient man to piece together Cara. I promise to you it will be worth it. She may be broken when she comes into your life, but once you make her whole, again she’ll be the most amazing thing to ever happen to you. You’ll be thanking me for dropping dead and giving you the opportunity to be the man who makes her happy.

Cara doesn’t have family that shares the same blood but she has mine. Don’t pull her away from them. They aren’t your competition, remember that. They are the people who love her. They are her family, the only one she’s ever known so don’t ask her to give them up. I’ll haunt your ass, I swear. It’s important for you to know I am not you competition either. You need to remind yourself that you can’t compete with a ghost. You win. You are flesh and blood I am a memory. You always win.

Make her happy. Make her smile. Make her laugh. Make all her dreams come true. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have her? Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be the man in her life who gets to spend forever with her? You are the luckiest man in the world.

I used to be you. I was the lucky one for a period of time. I don’t really understand why I wasn’t good enough or what the hell God had in mind when he decided he was going to cut my time with her short but he chose you for her in the end. I hope you are a smart man who realizes what he has, who cherishes it. Don’t ever let her go. Love her until the end of time. I promise you that you will die a happy man.

Sincerely,

The dead guy who gave her to you

You are a child I’ve seen in my dreams. You don’t exist yet but I can describe you in great detail. I’ve dreamed of you in all stages of your life. I’ve seen your mom hold you in her arms when she first gave birth to you. I heard your first cry in my dreams. I watched you blow out the candles on your first birthday cake. I laughed when you smashed your hand in the cake and then reached for your mom. I saw you wobble as you took your first steps. I was there as you crept down the stairs on Christmas morning, your mom asleep on the couch, waiting to share the magic of Santa Clause with you. I was there watching as you rode your bicycle for the first time. I have seen it all in my dreams.

In my dreams, you are a boy. I don’t know your name but I call you Jake. Guess what? My name is Jake too. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Jake is a good, solid name. Only the strongest, bravest, little boys are named Jake. Ask your mama, I bet she’ll tell you about a Jake she once knew.

You have the prettiest mommy in the whole wide world. But you already knew that, didn’t you? I’ve seen her play with you. I’ve seen her read bedtime stories to you. I also saw her kiss all your boo boos away. You are her whole world. You make her heart full. You are such a lucky child to have her as your mommy.

There was a time when I hoped and prayed I’d be your dad but that isn’t possible. I have never saw your dad in my dreams, only his hands as he let go of the handlebars when you rode your bike for the first time. He is patient, I can tell from the way he guided you on the bike. He waited until he was certain you had the hang of it before he let you ride it without him holding you. I bet he instills responsibility in you. Call it a hunch, but if you’re ever allowed a puppy I’d bet anything your job will be to walk it.

You are a beautiful child. You have your mommy’s eyes. In my dreams, I look into your eyes and they are wide with wonder. You have so many questions. Why is the moon so big? Why do I have to go to bed? Why is the sky blue? I see a little mischief in those eyes too and I wonder if you’ll be anything like the Jake you’re named after.

You may be a child of my dreams now, but one day you will be the child I look over. I’ll be your guardian angel if they really exist. I’ll always look out for you and do my best to protect you in any way I can. I owe it to you mom. I owe it to you dad too after all, he gave my beautiful Cara the gift of you.

Always Looking Out For You,

Jake

It’s the night before the transplant and you and I are lying in bed. You fell asleep as I told you all about the dreams we have for our future. You named our first born, our second born and our future dog. We’ve designed our dream home, down to what type of oak the floors will be. The last few nights, we’ve had the same routine. You lay your head on my chest, I play with your hair, and we talk about all the things we’re going to do once I’m cured. You fall asleep halfway through some nights, others, you wait until we’ve spoken about everything and anything. I think the future of Jake and Cara is your favorite bedtime story. It’s mine too.

It’s so quiet, you’re not even snoring. I wonder if you’re really sleeping. The quiet makes me think. It makes me think of how things would be if I never had gone to the doctor. Maybe I would have never deteriorated like this. Maybe I would’ve still lived my life the way I had before the cancer until I just died. Maybe we’d be on my bike tonight instead of lying here waiting for the morning. If I didn’t go to the doctor we might have had more time. We might’ve been married and maybe I’d be caressing your pregnant belly. Hey a man can dream, right?

What is the use in thinking what if? That isn’t the point of this letter. I want to thank you for loving me. I want to thank you for being by my side through all this. If I was granted one last wish it was that, you and I could run away together, away from all this shit. One wish granting me one more day of Jake and Cara before the cancer, it would be perfect. Maybe we would go back to the karaoke bar. Would you sing with me one last time?

I love you my beautiful. Thank you for being the woman of my dreams. Thank you for loving me and giving me the chance to love you.

Love You Always and Forever,

Jake

It’s three o’clock in the morning, the day of the transplant. I can’t sleep and I’m sitting here wondering if you are. I want to call you but I’d feel bad if I woke you. In just a few hours we will both be admitted into the hospital. It’s too late to back out now, and I’m certain you wouldn’t allow me to anyway.

I just don’t see the point in all this anymore. I don’t want you to think I’m giving up, because I’m not. It’s just I’m seeing the reality of my situation and I’m beginning to think I am the only one who is. The chemo didn’t work. The drugs they gave me didn’t work. The only thing any of this did was make me sicker. The cancer may not have spread but everything else in me is compromised.

When I first started having symptoms, my breathing was out of whack. I had shortness of breath all the time and thought I was having panic attacks. I haven’t told anyone but the past few nights it feels as if I have cinder blocks on top of my lungs. It’s a job, a strenuous job, to breathe. My lungs are weak. My kidneys are fucked up too. Shit, I don’t want to know what my heart looks like.

I’m just so tired Luke. I’m so tired of the whole fucking thing. Forget about the physical exhaustion being sick takes on a person, I’m talking about the emotional exhaustion knowing that the end is near. The constant wondering when it’s going to happen is wearing me down.

About a week ago I started counting down the days until the transplant. I told myself relief was coming but not the way everyone thought it was. You all believe that you’re bone marrow is going to cure me and I don’t have the heart to let you think otherwise. I have this feeling in my gut that it’s not going to work. My body will probably reject your marrow despite the anti-rejection medication they are going to give me. I don’t see how I can survive. I am too weak. It’s eating away at me that you are going to go through this transplant and in the end blame yourself because it didn’t work. I know it. I know you.

Luke if I don’t survive it isn’t your fault. Please understand that my body has been through a lot and while my spirit may have a ton of fight left, my body does not. I know there is no way of getting you to not go through with the transplant. You really believe in your heart you’re going to save my life.

I’ve left a piece of me behind for everyone I love. I started to have anxiety once we had a date for the transplant because I still hadn’t figured out what to leave you. It came to me the night you visited me and brought me and Cara Spumoni ices. The three of us sat in the yard, eating our ices, reminiscing about the years when we shared a bedroom. Cara was fascinated as we talked about our childhood and the mischief we found ourselves in as kids. It was a great night, just the three of us hanging out. It reminded me of the day the both of you came to watch me race at the track.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was holding out, hoping to find the perfect gift to leave you. I’ve found it, big brother. I’m leaving you the biggest piece of my heart and trusting you to take good care of it. I know you will. I know that you will cherish what I’ve placed in your hands.

I’ve written you a letter, different from the ones written in this book. This is separate. It’s in a sealed envelope. I’ve left Cara instructions to give it to you but not when to give it to you. I suggest you wait a while before reading it but ask that whenever you decide to read it, that you read it with an open mind and a willing heart.

The sun is starting to rise.

It’s almost time.

I love you bro.

Thanks again.

Your brother,

Jake

Jake’s Journal

(Riverdale Series Book 3.5)

By Janine Infante Bosco

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, distributed, stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form of by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, without express permission of the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes, if done so constitutes a copyright violation.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters and events are fictitious in every regard. Any similarities to actual events and persons, living or dead are purely coincidental. Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if any of these terms are used.

ISBN: 9781495152726

Cover designed by: Hang Le at byhangle.com

Drawings by Janine Infante Bosco

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8095100.Janine_Infante_Bosco?from_search=true

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Janine-Infante-Bosco-Author/491551810973318?fref=ts

Edited and Formatted by: Jennifer Bosco

http://jbsbookobsession.blogspot.com/

• Jake’s Journal – The Riverdale Series – Book 3.5
  
• Dear Reader,
  
• Dear Diary,
  
• Yo, what’s up it’s me Jake,
  
• Dear Cancer,
  
• Dear Reader, (I’m running out of ideas and refuse to a use diary)
  
• Dear Dr. Capernick and the Staff of Riverdale Memorial Hospital,
  
• Dear Dad,
  
• My Bucket List:
  
• Dear Cara,
  
• Dear God,
  
• Dear Corinne,
  
• Dear Jimmy,
  
• Dear Whoever Reads These Things, ( I really hope I don’t drop dead and some smartass publishes this shit)
  
• Dear Sam,
  
• Dear Ava,
  
• Dear Mom,
  
• Dear Luke,
  
• Dear Pete,
  
• Dear Principal Willis,
  
• Dear Father Gallo,
  
• Dear Nick,
  
• Dear Cara,
  
• Dear Cara,
  
• Dear Cara,
  
• Dear Cara,
  
• Dear Cara I Finally nailed it! ( I bet you thought I was going to say you and not it!)
  
• Dear Sam and Luke,
  
• Dear Mailman,
  
• Dear Nick, you dirty dog!
  
• Dear Luke My Match,
  
• Dear My Beloved Family,
  
• Dear Nick A.K.A Sam’s Chaperone,
  
• Dear Cara,
  
• Dear Mr. Responsible A.K.A. Luke,
  
• Dear Cara’s Mouth,
  
• Dear Cara my Sleeping Beauty,
  
• Dear Cara,
  
• Dear Cara the hair stylist,
  
• Dear Cara my hazel eyed honey,
  
• Dear Cara Sexy as Sin Fiancé,
  
• Dear Luckiest Man in the World,
  
• Dear child with the hazel eyes,
  
• Dear Cara the Love of my Life,
  
• Dear Luke, (It’s game day)
  
• Copyright page