Jake' Journal: The Riverdale Series Companion (6 page)

So I get it, you and Sam want to be close when the transplant goes down but I it’s going to be smooth sailing my brother. Luke is going to be the one who is out of commission so it’s best that Ava is off doing something she loves so that he can regroup. See? Brilliant. Not only does Luke get a little R&R or whatever one calls it when they suck the bone marrow out of you and you’re all fucked up, but you get a little get away with Sam. Granted, Ava will be there, and you are going to a dance competition but the way I see it there is still some time to get under her skin. Man, you need to step up your game because this is taking entirely too long. You do realize I might kick the bucket right? PUT THE PEDAL TO METAL!

Ha! I just realized you have a hell of a long drive ahead of you with a girl who is fighting the fact she loves you. You are fucked. I’m sorry.

No, I’m not.

You’re welcome. (Don’t fuck this chance up, I don’t know if I can give you another.)

Very Truly Yours,

Chuck Woolery Aka Jake the Matchmaker

Today was the first time in months I saw the old Cara. The Cara who wasn’t burdened by my cancer. (Ducking because I can picture you swinging at me after that line) It’s true. Maybe burden isn’t the word you’d choose but nonetheless it works for what I’m trying to say. As much as Cancer has changed me, it’s changed you too. You live in constant fear these days. I suppose I shouldn’t blame you but that isn’t all that’s changed. You are forever holding a grudge against my brother.

This morning was the first time you genuinely smiled at Luke. It wasn’t forced and there wasn’t that bitter look in your eyes. You looked at him as if he wasn’t only my salvation but yours as well. It took me a while to understand why you were harboring so much resentment for him but once I had realized it was too late to reverse the damage I had ultimately caused.

I tried to pinpoint the day where it all changed and for the life of me, I couldn’t. The day I raced on the track for the first time, I remember looking up at the stands and watching the two of you laugh. I remember thinking how much I liked it. We’re family. All of us. Family sticks together through thick and thin. It made my heart heavy to see my brother easily getting along with the woman I love. I remember thinking everything was right in the world. I had my brother there cheering me on, opening up to me, and the women who means everything to me. I had the two people I worry about the most in my circle, united. I struggle to hold onto that memory because since that day there isn’t another memory of the two of you like that. Everything afterwards seems strained.

You seem to forget that I know you better than I know anyone. I know that when you smile at Luke or simply acknowledge his existence it’s for show. You are angry with him and I think that you possibly feel betrayed by him. I’ve asked you a thousand times what happened between the two of you and you’ve brushed it off each and every time.

It’s my fault. The day that I found out, I had cancer I felt as if I had already died. I never told you how it all went down. I never told you how I broke down in the parking lot and cried with my brother. I remember pulling back and staring into my brother’s eyes. He looked so helpless, so unbelievably out of control. He died too in that parking lot. A piece of Luke died after I told him that I had cancer, the piece that could get his little brother out of whatever mess he created this time.

Once the shock had settled in and we had realized that I was about to break my parents hearts, he reminded me that I was about to shatter yours too. I asked him not to tell you. I asked him to send you away that day. I asked him. I pleaded with him. Cara, I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to tell you. You looked at me as if I was invincible. No one has ever looked at me like that before. I was never someone else’s everything. I didn’t want to let you down. I didn’t want to break your heart and I didn’t want you to look at me as if I wasn’t invincible.

      
It warmed my heart to see you genuinely hug Luke today when he revealed he was my match. It was as if the grudge you held against him disappeared. Everything was right again for that moment. I think for you, Luke, took me away from you that day. I think you thought he shut you out even if it was just for a small amount of time. Yet, today he gave me back to you.

Baby, what I’m trying to get at here is that, shit happens. Things go haywire when we don’t expect them to. Luke has a lot of pressure on him right now. For fuck’s sake without this transplant I’m as good as dead but I’ll say it again, shit happens. There are no guarantees. This might work and it might not. If it doesn’t, please don’t blame Luke. He’s doing everything he possibly can to keep me here with you. It won’t be his fault if the transplant doesn’t take, just as it wasn’t his fault he turned you away that day.

Love You Always and Forever,

Jake

You’re a pain in the ass you know that? I have basically managed to come up with some sort of piece of me to leave everyone that matters to me. Except you. You are a pain in the ass. I’ve thought about sending you on a vacation after I’m gone, but the truth is you probably won’t take off work to go on it and I’d roll over in my grave, so that’s out. I am completely stumped. I was going to send someone to pop Marie’s tires but that bitch isn’t worth my time. Especially, since mine seems to be running out. (And really, that’s not how I want you to remember me)

So what do I do for you, big brother? Do I give you a get out of responsibility free card? What can I do for you when I’m gone that you will know I’m doing with my whole heart? What gift can I possibly give to you that would complete you? It has to be big too because you’re giving me your damn bone marrow! Christ, the pressure.

Have no fear I will figure something out. I’m going to give you the best gift of your life if it’s the last thing I do!

Love,

Your pissed off UNRESPONSIBLE Brother

I’m a man of my word. I bet you didn’t really think I was going to dedicate an entire letter to you, but when I say I’m going to do something, I do it. Especially, where you’re concerned. (Insert eyebrow wiggle, does it work for you, the way your pout works on me?) I can still remember the first time our lips locked. I had been curious as to what kissing you would be like. Would your lips be soft? Would you taste as sweet as I imagined you would? Would kissing you be awkward?

We were out with our friends one night and like all the other nights you and I were huddled in a corner. I don’t think either of expected it to happen because we’d been in that situation so many times before and we hadn’t kissed. There was something different about that night though. I don’t even think we were that drunk but we used it as an excuse. We were taking a break from dancing, you were leaning against the wall sipping a vodka and cranberry. You bit the little red cocktail straw and those full lips curved, smiling at me, inviting me to seek the answers to all my questions.

I didn’t think twice and went in for the kill. I braced one arm against the wall and leaned in. You were soft. You were sweet. Your lips were wet and a little bit cold from the drink, but you were heaven. You fit perfectly against my mouth. The kiss started slow, allowing us to find a rhythm that was all our own.

Who knew that kissing Cara’s mouth would be the demise of me? You see that one kiss was a shock to my core. It was that one kiss that made me realize that the girl who stood beside me for the last, I don’t know how many years, completely owned me. There was nothing awkward about kissing you because it was the most natural thing I had done. One kiss was it all it took to realize that mouth belonged to me. It was made for me. The taste of you hypnotized me, ruining me for any other mouth.

Fast forward to present day, kissing that perfect mouth is my favorite pastime. It still owns me much as it did after that first kiss. The taste of you is embedded in my soul.

Very Truly Yours,

The owner of said mouth, Jake.

I can’t sleep tonight. My mind has been racing since I laid my head on the pillow. There are things I want to do before I die, plans I have in my head that I’m so desperate to execute. It’s as if I’m racing against the clock. It’s so important for me to leave a legacy behind rather than fulfill some of the things I wanted to. For example, this afternoon I went to the florist and arranged for my mom to get a bouquet of flowers from me each and every Mother’s day. I think I have a plan for almost everyone except for you and Luke.

I’ve actually decided not to come up with a plan for you. I’m staring at you, watching you sleep. Is it possible that you’re even more beautiful when you are sleeping than when those gorgeous eyes are open? I can’t come up with a plan for you after I’m gone because the thought of planning something I won’t be a part of is tearing my heart apart. I can’t send you flowers because how creepy would that be when you marry someone else? I hate the idea of you marrying someone else. I hate the idea of you having children with someone else. But I hate the idea of you not living your life to the fullest even more. I shouldn’t have told you that. I may hate the idea of you moving on but I want you to. I want you to have the best life, even if I couldn’t be the one to give it to you. Sleeping beauty, one day someone’s going to kiss you, awakening you from this sad time in your life and you are going to get that happily ever after you deserve.

Love Always and Forever,

The frog that should’ve kept his fat mouth shut.

I was flipping through the pages of this book and I thought it was crazy how I couldn’t bring myself to write one damn letter to you. I don’t want you to think I forgot about you. I could never forget about you, you are embedded in my heart and soul. The truth is, I can’t find the words that are adequate enough to tell you everything I want to say. I can’t find the words to tell you how much you truly mean to me. You see these words will be the words that are left when I’m gone. The words that I write in this book will be here long after the memories of me begin to fade. The words I say in this book to you are the words that you’ll remember me by forever.

I’m not ready to say those words. I’m not ready to even find them yet. I’m still here. There are still memories to be made and words to be spoken out loud. We still have time, baby.

I love you.

Love Always & Forever,

Jake

I was going through old pictures today and I came across the picture of me with green hair. You remember that don’t you? The night you swore up and down that you could dye my hair. If I remember correctly you told me that you dyed your hair all the time, it would be a breeze. You left out the fact you never in fact put highlights in your hair. I’m not real certain why I was getting highlights. I’m going to say someone dared me because that’s the only logical explanation.

We were seventeen when I became the victim of your hair coloring shenanigans. It started off as a joke, laughing in the aisles of Walgreens trying to find the perfect box of hair dye. It ended with me wearing a baseball cap, covering my green hair.

I suppose it should have been a warning to myself that I was already falling for you. I mean what guy lets his friend dye his hair green and then agrees to let her attempt to fix it. I had purple hair for a week after you tried to cover up the green. You had me then, we were both just to blind to notice.

I wished I had known then that you and I were meant to be. It would’ve given us more time together. I’d even live with the green hair if it meant more time with you.

Love You Always and Forever,

Jake sans the green hair

      
Thank god I got the girl already because my game is weakening, hazel eyed honey? (I’m shaking my head but
I bet you’re giggling) I love your giggle. My heart does this funny thing when you giggle it’s as if it skips a beat or maybe it jumps ahead, who knows, but I feel a flutter. You don’t giggle that much anymore. All the things that used to set you off into a fit of giggles, they don’t work anymore. How is it that you’re not ticklish anymore? I remember a time when all I would do is make a move to tickle you, not even getting a chance to actually touch you, and you would burst into a fit of giggles.

There is a lot of things we have lost throughout this journey. You lost your giggle and I lost my eyebrows. What a pair we are. How is the world going to survive without your giggle or my wiggling brows? Can you promise me to find that giggle one day? I’ll be listening for it.

We managed to keep some things in tact though haven’t we? Our love has never faltered and neither has our strength. You know what else hasn’t changed? Your eyes. They are still my home. Did I ever tell you that? When I look into those hazel eyes of yours I can see the past, the present, even the future. I see home. I see all the things that we were meant to do together. All the things we will never get the chance to. Somehow, someway, it’s all there between the flecks of gold and green. The answers to my questions, the comfort to my deepest fears, the glimpse into what forever would be like, it’s all there in your eyes.

Sometimes you will catch me staring, you’ll ask me what am I looking at, and I’ll answer simply that I’m looking at you. The truth is there is nothing simple about looking at you. Every time I look at you I am memorizing each and everything about you. I’m copying all the facets of you and I’m pasting them to my heart, my mind, and my soul.

I love you my hazel eyed honey. (I promise to address my next letter as My Sexy as Sin Cara.)

Love You Always and Forever,

The guy who is about to let his sister draw his eyebrows on