Jake' Journal: The Riverdale Series Companion (5 page)

I know that no matter what, even if we had just remained friends, you still would be my side. God allowed me time with the girl of my dreams and even allowed me to call her my fiancé. How could I ever complain?

I’m probably dying. I can say that on paper, not out loud.
I’m too much of a coward. I should probably strike that. This isn’t a letter welcoming you to my pity party.
The doctors have already told me that they cannot continue treatment with chemo, my body isn’t reacting well. Instead of it killing the cancer the drugs are killing me. Next step is a bone marrow transplant and we’re on the hunt for the donor. Luke and Sam are probably taking bets on which one of them will be the perfect match. I just hope it works. The thought of dying isn’t as scary as the thought of never seeing you again.
Christ, just saying it is hard.
To never see my sweet Cara go through all the milestones of life that we have been talking about. I bet you’ll be the most beautiful bride. I’m sorry I can’t talk about that. I don’t think I can bring myself to discuss how you’ll look when you’re pregnant either, or the mother that you will be. I better stop writing to you today or I’ll be a basket case.

I’ve decided to stop using this journal as an outlet for me during my illness. Today is the first day I will begin to fill the blank pages with letters to you. If I told you everything that was going on in my head, you’d probably beat the crap out of me. I’m too weak and the truth is I’ve seen you fight and you could probably kick my ass even if I was feeling a hundred percent.

All our plans for the future have once again been put on hold due to Cancer. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’ll say it anyway. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re going through this shit storm. I probably should’ve waited until I knew if the chemotherapy had worked for sure, before I asked you to marry me. But I was so sure. I guess that’s what they mean by false hope. All the medical websites I’ve been looking at, there are these testimonials from Cancer
survivors, and their families. Most of the time, after you’ve received chemotherapy, your life goes back to the way it was before you were diagnosed. They say you feel like you are reclaiming your life, and that’s what I thought too. I wasn’t naïve to think I would be in remission when the PET scan results came back, but I did think that the chemo had worked a little bit. I know you were just as disappointed as I was when the doctor said it had done nothing but damage some of my organs.

I know that no matter what, even if we had just remained friends, you still would be my side. God allowed me time with the girl of my dreams and even allowed me to call her my fiancé. How could I ever complain?

I’m probably dying. I can say that on paper, not out loud. The doctors have already told me that they cannot continue treatment with chemo, my body isn’t reacting well. Instead of it killing the cancer the drugs are killing me. Next step is a bone marrow transplant and we’re on the hunt for the donor. Luke and Sam are probably taking bets on which one of them will be the perfect match. I just hope it works. The thought of dying isn’t as scary as the thought of never seeing you again. To never see my sweet Cara go through all the milestones of life that we have been talking about.

It’s funny, the things that I told myself I had my whole life to do, the things I procrastinated doing, are the very things I wish I had done. I want you to know I never thought I’d get married to anyone other than you, even when we were just friends. You would tell me that you could picture your wedding but never the man you married. It was the opposite for me. I just pictured you. You’ve been asking me to marry you, not even caring what day of the week it is or if you even have your dress. You’re willing to give up the dreams you had for your wedding all because you’re so hell bent on marrying my crazy ass that you’ll marry me in a hospital room. I’m flattered baby. So, fucking flattered. But I’m a fucking coward, because I keep telling you I’m going to get better, that when the cancer is gone you’ll get your wedding.

We’re not going to get married Cara. I want to explain why, so that when I die, you don’t hate me. I can’t leave this earth knowing that when I die, your future would die along with me. You’d be married to my spirit and to our past. You’d never look to fulfill your future. You wouldn’t remarry and have a family. You’d be alone clinging to the past. You’d sit by my head stone and talk to me as if I was standing in front of you. Time would stand still for you and before you knew it you’d be old and gray just waiting to be in the plot beside me. There would be no children and there would be no stories to tell your grandchildren. Don’t shake your head. I can picture you shaking your head, crying right now as you read this. Stop it. You know I’m right. I’m always right. Guess what I’m doing right now as I write this? I’m wiggling my eyebrows, because you know I’m right.

Seriously, babe, I don’t want that for you. I want you to live your life. Go get married, have some kids, name one of them Jake. I’ll watch over them just like I’ll always watch over you. When your husband accidentally electrocutes himself hanging Christmas lights, know I’m even looking out for that son of a bitch too. Know that I’m happy that he’s giving my girl a chance at a good life. You’ll always be my girl, lucky for him; my mom taught me how to share.

Maybe you’ll never read these letters but I have to write them anyway. I want to be there for you when I know you’ll need me the most. Just always, know I love you.

Love Always & Forever Yours,

Jake

I’m the luckiest guy around. I mean aside from the two of you, because getting to call me your brother is a pretty big deal too. Seriously, all jokes aside, you two are amazing. When I told you the latest shit this bitch cancer is pulling on me, neither one of you hesitated to jump on the “I’ll give Jake my marrow” bandwagon. I’m pretty sure you have a bet going on to see which one of you are the match. Wouldn’t it be something if you both were? Then what would we do? Flip a coin?

Anyway, I know it’s a lot to ask of either of you and I want you both to know I wouldn’t hesitate either. I’d give you both a kidney, a lung, an arm, whatever the fuck you needed to live this life as my brother and sister, I’d give and I’d give wholeheartedly.

Sam I know your squeamish and needles freak you out, (Clearing my throat because I still have yet to put ink on you because of this needle freight of yours), but if you are my match and we go through with this, I am going to draw the most amazing tattoo ever for you. It will be the best one I ever designed. I promise.

Luke if you are my match I will tattoo your name to my forehead.

I love you both,

The brother with the fucked up bone marrow.

Today you delivered the mail and you had no idea I was standing by the door waiting for you to fill our mailbox. I bet you get that a lot though for all different reasons. I can imagine people waiting for a special package, a check they were banking on, a letter from a loved one. But did you know today you held my life in your hands when you put the mail in the Lanza mailbox?
      

You delivered two envelopes. One was addressed to Samantha Lanza and the other Luke Lanza. One of those letters holds the key to my existence. Is one of them a match? Do I have a shot or is D-day sooner than I thought?

You may not know me. You may not have ever put my face to name on the envelopes that read, Jake Lanza, but I will never forget you. I will never forget the face of the man who delivered my destiny.

Sincerely,

The coward too afraid to walk to the mailbox and get the mail.

Okay so I know I told you no locker room talk regarding Sam but my sister pulled up to her apartment with some fancy heels and what I believe to be one of your dress shirts. Nothing else. I don’t think I want to hear the details, actually, I’m pretty sure I don’t but still I owe you a pound or a high five because you definitely made some leeway in Operation: Get in Sam’s Pants.

Christ, that’s wrong. Right? I shouldn’t be condoning it, I should be riding your ass like Luke is, telling you to stay the hell away from our sister.

I can’t do that. In my heart I believe that you two belong together. Call it a hunch or whatever the hell you want but I’ve known for a long time that there is something between the two of you. I knew even before I read Sam’s journal. (My eyes widened at my slip, keep your mouth shut or I’ll tell Luke about Sam’s outfit this morning.)

The guy with cotton in his ears in the locker room,

Jake

You should know I stared at this blank page for an hour contemplating exactly what I want to say to you. I’ve come to the conclusion that after sixty-three minutes and twenty-two seconds, there are no words that will be adequate to describe what I am feeling. There are no words in the English language that are profound enough to describe how incredibly thankful I am to you. Well, at least not words that I know of. I’m sure there are a bunch but I would probably need a dictionary to find out if they even apply to what I am trying to say.

You are my match.

You are the only one who can possibly save my life.

You, my brother, once again are my hero.

Thank you isn’t enough.

I love you isn’t enough.

Nothing will ever be enough.

I’ll try my best to pay you back one day. I’ll try to repay you for the gift you’re giving me.

Love,

The one who is now trying to think of ways I’ll ever be able to one up you on this incredible gift.

I heard a song today and it made me cry. I’m a wuss. (Blame it on the fucking cancer)Anyway, the song was by Vanessa Williams. It’s called Oh How The Years Go By, and I swear to God it was written about our family.

The years have passed us by, changes have come and gone, we’ve fought, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve been through it all. The one constant in this world that is forever revolving is our love for one another. I am so completely blessed to have had you all by my side through this very difficult time. There were times I stumbled, lost my footing, felt sorry for myself, but never once have I felt alone.

Each one of you have played a certain role in this crazy journey of mine and I don’t know if I would’ve been able to get this far without you. Pop, you’ve been the best medicine and no I’m not referring to our little secret. I mean you sense of humor, your personality, it’s been the best therapy for me. Especially on the days when I want to lock myself away. You make me laugh when I’m pretty sure it’s impossible.

Mom, you’ve been so amazing scheduling all my doctor’s appointments, researching doctors, hospitals, treatments. You’ve left no stone unturned and I know how hard that has been on you. I see it in your eyes. You want to cry. You want to scream. You want to take me in your arms and run away with me, taking me away from the misery. You are the strongest woman I know because you have been watching your son die and still you push through each day, never willing to throw in the towel. Never willing to give up on me. Amazing, you’re truly amazing.

Luke, the days I felt like giving up you reminded me I was stronger than that. What you couldn’t fix you allowed me to fix by giving me the encouragement I needed. We haven’t always seen eye to eye but we’ve always had one another’s back. Having you as my brother has been a gift. Having you be the one who can save me, another gift. If you ask me you’ve had the most significant role in all this. You’ve been by side every step of the way since the moment I learned I had cancer and you will be at my side the day of the transplant. It’s pretty cool isn’t it? You hear people who are related say all the time that they have one another’s blood running through their veins, but I really will. I really will carry a piece of you with me always.

Sam, you have given me a big boost of self-esteem. I’m not sure what I ever did to deserve it, but you look at me as if I’m your hero. I wish I was everything you believe I am but if I am a fraction of that, I’ll take it. Your love and support has been pushing me, in fear of letting you down, I push myself. I never want to let you down and know that if this story of mine comes to a close, know I went down fighting because I never wanted to let my little sister down. I always wanted to be your hero.

I don’t have the right to ask anything else of you guys but still I am. I want you to promise me that you will always be close like you are. Always be there for one another just as you’ve been there for me. Don’t change the values of our family. Always welcome others in, allowing them too to become part of the Lanza clan. Be proud of one another and be proud of the family you are a part of. The Lanza’s set the bar as to what a beautiful loving family can be, always embrace that.

Various people have told me countless times throughout my life, how lucky I am to have all of you. I really am the lucky one, but you all are too. You will get through the loss of me because you have each other. You will prevail because Lanza’s don’t give up.

I love you all,

Jake Lanza (Proud to be too)

You are very welcome! (I’m going to pretend you thanked me for coming up with the brilliant plan of having you escort Ava and Sam to Atlantic City.) I’m not going to lie I’m a little pissed off that you gave me the evil eye when I suggested the idea. You do realize that you should be kissing the ground I walk on right now don’t you? Man, I opened all sorts of doors for you! Just don’t get freaky in front of my niece or I’ll have to slap you around. Just because my ass is riddled with, cancer doesn’t mean I can’t get down. (Go ahead laugh, I am.)