JR (102 page)

engraved certificate banquet at Howard Johnson pull in his scout troop science teacher American Legion Woody Owl get the whole what lose something… ?

—No I thought there were some sandwiches here I thought I'd just take…

—Must have cleaned them up wait something right behind plate right behind you Virginia what's…

—It's that cottage cheese with ketchup Mister Hopper had but he put out his cigar in the…

—No no call room service order Mister Bast a ham and like ham and cheese?

—No I'm never mind Virginia listen Mister Davidoff I have to leave and we can't…

—Hold out a little longer put our heads together with the Boss over beef Wellington little place up near…

—No but listen I'm trying to tell you he's not here he's not at the uptown not in town at all Mister Davidoff he …

—Up there last night thought he was still on tap don't worry about it ride up with you anyhow never seen the uptown layout you know, use some of that equipment you're getting in right here if we had it shredder for instance and this Telecopier four hundred reminds me you might want Virginia on staff up there too, good hearted really tries heard you're having some problems gal answering your phone told Crawley to wait Virginia want to call off those media boys tell them to freeload someplace else tonight oh and Vir…

—But wait that wait that that woman over there who's…

—Skinner's gal thought you'd met her Bast real topflight track record in curr something wrong there Virginia what's…

—Listen I have to leave I'm…

—She put these contack lenses in this glass of water Mister Davidoff she thinks maybe Mister Mooneyham got it only now she can't see who's…

—Yes well look for just tell her to wait where's Mister wait tell Mister Bast to wait be right with him man in the cowboy hat there what's cowboy hat and boots who's…

—That's this Mister Brisboy Mister Davidoff he …

—Yes well tell him to Skinner's gal there tell her to sit down find who drank that glass of wait get Mister Bast at the door there be right with him if Mister Ten-forty doesn't show up tell Skinner to …

—But he's here Mister Davidoff this Mister disomething he's over at the sofa with them he said please don't interrupt them and this Mister Duncan was up the hall he said Mister Skinner got mugged up by the mop closet they…

—Ever hear the one about the fellow named Skinner who took the young lady to supper?

—Now if we pay attention this may help us understand our real life roles and aggressive feelings in a merger situation, and help us in the

dedecision making process, now Mister…

—No no it was Tupper took a young lady to dinner, by quarter of nine…

—Mister Mooneyham you sit here and Mister Hopper you sit here now in this little skit I will take the part of the clown and Mister Mooneyham you will be the mouse…

—Quarter of nine they sat down to dine by quarter of ten he was up her doesn't rhyme with dinner…

—If we pay attention Mister Hopper and you are the cat, remember I'm the clown and I say, let's get a cat, and Mister Mooneyham remember you're being the mouse and you say let's not get a cat, because you're afraid he would eat you…

—Tupper that's it took her to supper, by quarter of nine they were ready to dine by quarter of ten it was in her…

—And now I go over and open the door so the cat can come in, and I tell him to come in …

—Not Skinner, the dinner…

—Yes now Mister Mooneyham remember you're being the mouse and you overhear us, and so the mouse comes in where the clown can't see him and closes the door on the cat…

—Wait just wait now where's oh Virginia what happened to Mister Bast call the desk get that door there where's Brisboy…

—Who… ?

—Oh Mister Bast wait, are you Mister Bast? I just saw you slipping out…

—I'm, first tell me who you are…

—Yes let me help you with your bundle you're going to the elevators? And you are Mister Bast I'm Mister Brisboy from Wagner…

—Yes now look Mister Brisboy I'm leaving I'm, I have to get uptown and I can't stop to …

—Yes I'll ride up with you here's our elevator, we can have a delicious talk in the cab and you do need help with your things Mother's found me a new analyst up at the corner of Ninety-fifth Street and I simply must…

—Mister Brisboy listen I'm just about at the end of my…

—Oh I understand Mister Bast that stuffy suite with all those crass people I took one look, we couldn't have heard one another speak and there is so much to discuss do we go out this way? I'd tried to call your office but a girl answered with the, most indecent and quite impractical suggestion I'd quite despaired of ever…

—Yes well listen I'm in a hurry you don't need to …

—Simply abandon you here with this great big box I wouldn't dream of it, what can be in it …

—Well it's a, it's just an Indian suit I …

—An Indian suit how delish! Oh it does sound like a fun company after all there's a cab oh cabby? Cabby… ?

—Mister Bisboy please I'm, Brisboy listen why don't you just get that

cab and…

—I'd have to hurl myself under his wheels wouldn't I aren't they just obscenely rude with their little Off Duty signs is that the word your mother used too? Oh wait here we are here we are… no no get in back we'll put your box up here in front with this savage at the wheel,

there. Straight uptown driver, to the very fringe of the jungle oh forgive me was that your knee? What a cute outfit…

—Yes well I, I thought you wanted to discuss some, to talk about the company or …

—It's all so exciting yes where shall we start, being asked to join your family of companies Mother feels that's what we need and she's never really been one for family if you could see Uncle Arthur, of course I won't go into some of the actual family members I've just met with her except you of course if she found your J R person rather crass on the telephone I can imagine her reaction to your leg and tit person in there from Zanesville but…

—To our, who… ?

—Your wallpaper person he was discussing the menu with someone who said I'm a ham and eggs man and he said I'm a leg and tit man myself so crass not that unlike Uncle Arthur, he seems to expect your pushy little person with all the cufflinks to fix him up with your blind lady person with purple lipstick on her teeth for fifty cents I can't tell you how relieved I was to see another young face…

—Yes well I, I'd expected you to be a good deal older Mister Brisboy I thought Mister Crawley said that your, your business belonged to two brothers and when one died his widow wanted…

—Oh he's your stock person isn't he yes he sounds like an absolute bear no it was Daddy who died and Uncle Arthur wants out I can't tell you how relieved Mother and I will be to see him go if your Piscator person can arrange it he sounds quite crass too is he? And you must tell him to stop calling Mother Mrs Wagner every time he calls like Cosima if you please of course that's where we got it if you knew the number of times I've sat through Tristan with her five hours uncut at the Paris Opera simply relentless, she thought Brisboy sounded a little frivolous I suggested Charon of course but she found that a trifle recherche and felt Wagner might attract a nicer clientele but of course everyone simply calls it wag-ner even your J R person in our mercifully brief telephone chat kept whining wag-ner wag wag like a doggy's tail can you just lean forward and tap on the glass, oh driver … ? Driver? We're not in a mad rush and we don't want to suddenly become statistics Mother told me that's what your J R person wanted me to discuss with you?

—Yes well I hardly…

—She said he sounded quite ecstatic to learn that two billion dollars was spent on funerals last year and you simply must tell him the death rate is climbing steadily imagine, only a hundred and eighty million funerals in America since our dear country was born and we count on

two hundred million in just the next forty-five years!

—Yes well I'm, I know he'll be delighted yes he …

—We get one out of six now in the Fort Lauderdale area and Mother's been constantly after me to bring in that second one to make it two out of six that would be one out of three I think? You know there are over twenty thousand of us across the country but even the largest single chain has less than one percent of the trade were these the statistics you wanted? Because even one percent just think the Social Security persons estimate a twenty percent rise in the death rate between nineteen seventy and nineteen eighty so there should be enough to go round if we can trim some of these frightfully blatant costs we've already tried working something out along the cluster concept so we wouldn't have ten hearses all out roaring down the roads at once and then all of them standing around empty waiting that's why Mother's so entranced with this package approach your J R person wrote her about does he do all his memoranda in lead pencil?

—Yes well you see generally he …

—Crabbed age and youth oh I know but what a delicious name to choose for your nursing homes someone's been reading South Wind isn't it the most delicious book ever written! Of course I'd assumed it might be your J R person but when he misspelled Nepenthe among other things and…

—Yes well I'm sure he hasn't, never even heard of it no he just bought into this nursing home stock when it first…

—Yes how frightfully thoughtful of him all these old dear persons no one wants underfoot to pasture them off in great dank government hospitals at public expense would be quite unthinkable and simply reek of socialism of course free enterprise owes them the dignity of private care after all they've done to make our dear country what it is and Mother tells me you have a Senator person leading the good fight for Eldercare so there won't be those dreary scenes over unpaid bills, and of course the idea of discreet signs placed tastefully about suggesting our services Mother was utterly charmed but I think not in the room itself do you? No near the exits for visitors leaving that delicious old dear person all tucked up in beddy perhaps for the last time just a hint of stained glass and the simplest of messages Uncle Arthur suggested a hearse with the line getting there is half the fun so outré Mother and I thought simply Wagner is ready when you are or do you like they, when they are, of course we thought of when He is but one really must tread on tippy toes it makes Him sound rather like an abductor don't you think? Or don't you think…

—Well I really don't think…

—No of course not Mother feels understatement is always best and I think she's less than enraptured with your J R person's notion of little booths set up in the nursing home lobbies to sell the entire package, prostheses the nursing care funeral plot and stone it sounds rather like a midway and of course the organized funeral directors are quite gaga

over the whole thing rustling up preneed laws and being most unfriendly but if the darkies have been getting away with their little burial societies for ages certainly anyone has the right to plan those delicious last moments at leisure with none of that frantic last minute embarrassment over bills have you worked out the package cost?

—No and I don't…

—Know how many packages you'll offer no but there must be a mad variety or it could all turn into the sort of mass burial I suppose they have in Russia Mother says your J R person wants to approach the young married market but projecting costs so far in the future when the average nine hundred seventy-five dollars now doesn't even

include vault memorial stone cemetery plot flowers burial clothing even the minister of course having the use of all that money for what might be simply ages before that last surprise party when the package is opened and with people rushing about so even that might happen in some utterly inaccessible place he almost seems to be counting on quite an eventual number of no-shows at your vast cemetery somewhere called Union forgive me was that your foot?

—No it's, it's just my case let me move it I …

—Oh I hope I didn't scratch it my new heels are so dreadfully sharp here let me help you, your cabs here are so thrillingly efficient but there's simply no place in them to sit down and my hat is getting careful, your important papers are spilling…

—Yes it's, Mister Crawley broke the catch opening it and it's…

—He does sound like an absolute bear Mother said he oh! It's all music it's simply filled with music oh I must see! You didn't write it?

—Well yes but it's…

—Oh let me see let me see this passage right here how simply delicious what part is it.

—That's the, the harpsichord part it …

—Mmmmmmmm! delicious, yes there's a little Rameau there isn't there mmmmmmmmmm…

—Well his, his piece The Gnat I just wanted the feeling of …

—And you certainly caught it didn't you I feel prickly all over now what's this oh how ominous… !

—Yes well that's, that's the string bass but about the cemetery I think you'd better talk to Mister Hop…

—Yes Mother said it was simply vast thousands of acres somewhere nearby called Union Falls? that you've taken over an entire right of way for it? Mmmmmm mmm mmmm hmmm…

—Well it's no not exactly nearby, this cemetery is in the middle of a right of way up near our…

—Mmmmmm hmmmm hmmmm, hmm hmm delicious yes three thousand acres your J R person told Mother and imagine he's concerned about unprofitable plots of course burying the welfare poor has always been a losing proposition simply noblesse oblige the agencies pay such a pittance but his proposal to make it pay by placing

them six and eight deep to a plot when he was describing the entire package idea on the telephone as vertical integration Mother was simply aghast she thought he meant darkies and whites stacked in layers like a giant Dubos torta don't you just crave one right now? We could slip over to …

—No, no I …

—The Hungarians are so clever with pastries but no all he meant was getting into the monument trade he'd just learned it runs over a third of a billion annually but you must tell him those monstrous granite memorials are quite quite passé the maintenance is simply prohibitive, you'll want stones flush with the ground so your lawnmowers can simply whirr past overhead oh how brilliant, mmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mm mm m how simply brilliant and with your handicap Mister Bast oh forgive me, forgive me for mentioning it but I can only think of those cruel people telling Beethoven they heard shepherds' pipes where he heard absolutely nothing and that heartrending will he wrote at the time of his exquisite Second Symphony you mustn't think of taking your life Mister Bast you simply must not…