Kieran & Drew (29 page)

“Kier,” his dad began softly. “You have always been the source of my complete pride and joy, I
promise
you that.” He swallowed visibly. “But… you’re right. I didn’t realize that things had become as… impersonal between us as they had, until we had that talk about college. And we still need to talk about that.”

Kieran wet his lips, impatient. “Fine, but we talk about this first.”

His dad nodded and said nothing for a few moments, gathering his thoughts. When he spoke, it was with a heavy frown. “Okay. Okay, cards on the table?”

Kieran nodded.

“There are a few things….” He cut Kieran a quick look. “One thing in particular that I’ve been keeping from you, because I was worried how you might feel about it.”

Kieran nodded, encouraging him to get on with it. “The girlfriend.”

 

His dad sighed softly and glanced away, his chin dipping. Kieran’s patience began to waver and he felt that familiar stab of insult. “The girlfriend you don’t want to introduce me to.”

His father pressed his lips together in a tight line, not looking at him. “I just thought you were getting on with teenage-like things. That you were okay, just distracted by growing up, like every kid should be.” He looked at Kieran, looking as remorseful as he’d ever seen him. “I had no idea that I’d left you all alone. I’m so sorry, Kier bear. I feel terrible that you ever felt alone.”

Although those were words he’d waited a long time to hear, Kieran couldn’t help but notice that he’d dodged his original statement about the girlfriend. “Why won’t you talk to me about her?”

His father wouldn’t look at him. Instead, he clasped his hands together and leaned forward with his forearms resting across the desk. “It’s… Kier, it’s not so straightforward.”

Kieran slouched back in his chair, looking away, anywhere but at his dad. He felt the familiar dull throb of rejection. “Is she married?” His dad looked at him in shock, indignation clear in his voice. “Of course not!”

“Then it’s me. You’re embarrassed by me.”
“No! Stop it.”

“You know, I can understand other people acting like I’ve got some sort of disease, but you’re my dad, you’re
supposed
to like me.” “Of
course
I like you. I love you!”

“That’s the shit I got at school, you know. Got called a freak all the time. How do you think it feels to know my own dad thinks the same?” He swallowed hard, forcing himself not to become upset or storm out of there. “
God
, why do you think I want to leave so badly?” He jumped when his father’s palm slapped down on the desk.

“That is
not
what I think! I have never thought that about you and it is
not
true. You get that through your head
right
now, you hear me?”

Kieran stood, his chair rolling back behind him. “Then what is it?” He was quickly losing the battle to stay composed. “I get that you’re busy with the restaurant. I’d even understand if you weren’t around as much because you’d met someone, but why can’t you include me in this one part of your life?”

He father pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes closing. “Kieran, please, it isn’t so straightforward.”

“Yes, it is!” He glanced at the framed photograph on his father’s desk and then back at his dad. “What, do you think I’m going to feel like you’re trying to replace my mom? I don’t even remember her!”

“That’s not….” He sighed and then laid his palm across his forehead. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is it? Because I’m really at a loss here. I mean, do you think I don’t want you to be happy? If you’ve met someone and you’re in love, then that’s great, okay? I’m happy for you and I want to be a part of that. But… but it’s like you’ve made yourself a new little family that doesn’t include me. And I
know
how childish that sounds, but I really don’t give a shit anymore.”

Finally getting to the crux of why he felt so unhappy, he took a deep, unsteady breath.

“Why did you have to make it a choice? Why did it have to be her or me when it could have been so much easier as a three? Why was
I
the one that got cut out? Why did you choose her over me?”

His dad rose from his seat, both hands braced on the desk. “I was trying to protect you! I did not choose! There was no
choosing
involved!”

“Then why can’t I meet her? Why can’t I meet your girlfriend?” “You want to meet her?”
“Yes!”

“Fine!” his dad yelled, moving from behind the desk. He headed to the door and then paused, pointing back at him. “Sit your ass down in that chair!”

Kieran sat automatically, unaccustomed to his father yelling at him. He sat there for a few moments, catching his breath and feeling shaky. He started when not a minute later he heard voices down the hall. One was his father, dragging someone who was clearly reluctant to be dragged anywhere.

“John, what the hell? My crab cakes will burn!”

Kieran blinked—that wasn’t a woman’s voice. He stared stupidly when his father reappeared, his hand gripping someone—whom he recognized to be the head chef—by the arm. Silence fell over the room as they stared at one another, Kieran clearly confused, his father fearful, and the chef stunned.

“Kieran,” his dad began and gestured to the man with incredibly blue eyes who stood beside him. “This is Steven, my girlfriend.” Kieran stared at them both. “Uh. What?”

The chef—Steven, apparently—stood there looking as dumbfounded as Kieran felt, and weakly waved a hand that still held a greasy spatula. “H-hello, Kieran.”

Kieran held up a hand, things slowly slotting into place. “Wait. Wait, are you—are you telling me that he’s your… that you’re…?” His dad visibly swallowed and nodded once with determination. “Yes. I’m gay. You have a gay dad. I’m a gay dad,” he babbled.

“The amount of times I’ve pestered you into letting me meet him and
this
is how you introduce us?” Steven then pulled his arm free of his father’s grip so he could step forward and offer his free hand to Kieran. “Hi Kieran, I’m Steven. I promise you I’m not usually this greasy and grimy looking, and I am going to kick your dad’s butt for introducing me with so little finesse.”

Kieran, in a daze, took the hand offered to him and shook it. He looked back at his dad. “You’re gay?”

His dad seemed to flinch and then crouched in front of Kieran, his hands resting on Kieran’s knees. “Kier, I am the same guy you knew five minutes ago. I am still your dad.”

It dawned on him that his father was afraid of his reaction. The idea was so ridiculous, he couldn’t even move. “This is why you wouldn’t introduce me to your girl—I mean… I guess… boyfriend?”

“It is the
only
reason.”

“You’re not embarrassed by me?” he asked quietly, feeling an overwhelming relief begin to engulf him. He was distracted by Steven, however, who snorted loudly behind him.

“Oh my God, Kieran, he
adores
you, honestly. All he talks about is the two of you running restaurants together, and about how brave and unique you are, I swear.”

“The only reason I’ve been so closed off and secretive about this is because I didn’t know how to bring this to you. I didn’t know how you’d feel about it, and I didn’t want you to feel embarrassed or even more singled out at school. I am so sorry that you thought it was because I didn’t care.”

“So… so you’re gay. Like… homosexual?”

Steven, who was glancing between father and son and looking worried, took a hesitant step closer and placed a reassuring hand on his father’s shoulder. “I know this may be a lot to take in, but ultimately it’s irrelevant, isn’t it? He’s still your dad. Nothing else has changed.”

There was something hysterical bubbling up inside of him, and he didn’t know if it was laughter or tears. He put his head in his hands and groaned. Things could have been so different if he’d only known. Or if he’d just come out himself. These past few years would have been so much easier to bear, for the both of them.

“Oh my God, Dad….” He shook his head. “Dad, you
idiot
.”

His father glanced back at Steven, who shrugged, and then he turned back to Kieran and rubbed his knees. “O-okay, does this… are you mad, or…?”

Kieran snorted, shook his head, and then stood. His dad followed, rising slowly and then blinking in surprise when Kieran was suddenly in his arms, hugging him ridiculously tight.

“Dad, you are such an
idiot
!” he laughed.

 

His father hugged him back, utterly at a loss. “Uh, so this means you’re alright with this? I’m a little confused, Kier.”

He let go of his dad, looking up at him anxiously. He shook his head, let out a watery, quiet laugh, and then sniffed. “Dad, do you—do you remember my friend Drew?”

“Drew?” He frowned. “The baseball player? Yes, I think so. Why?”

 

He bit his lip. “Drew wasn’t just… he wasn’t….” He heard Steven suck in a quick breath, and looked over at him.

“Oh my goodness,” Steven said quietly, his brows disappearing into his hairline and his lips pressing together to smother a smile as he crossed his arms over his chest. He looked at Kieran’s father. “You
are
an idiot.”

“What?” his dad asked, looking between them, clearly irritated. “What am I missing?”

 

“Dad, Drew wasn’t just my friend; he-he was
my
boyfriend.” His dad pulled back slightly, blinking in shock and looking at his son as if he didn’t recognize him. “You’re…
you’re
gay?” Kieran snorted, glancing and smiling hesitantly at Steven. “Yeah, have been for a while now.”

 

“But… but how did I
miss
that?”

 

“Maybe if you hadn’t been trying so hard to hide your own gayness, then you might have had a clue,” Steven murmured. “Oh. Oh, I
am
an idiot.”

Kieran smiled a little sadly and then sank into his dad’s arms again, hugging him tight. “It’s okay. And I don’t mind if you’re gay. It would be kind of hypocritical of me if I did. But the being-an-idiot thing? That
has
to go.”

His dad laughed quietly and rested his cheek atop Kieran’s head. “What a pair we make, huh?” he murmured.

 

All three of them glanced to the door when a harried looking waiter appeared.

 

“Uh, sorry to interrupt, but can we have Steven back, by any chance? Seeing as he cooks all the food….”

Steven gasped. “My crab cakes!”
The waiter shook his head. “In the garbage.”

Steven’s shoulders slumped and he rolled his eyes heavenward. “I’ll be there in a second.”

The waiter disappeared and Steven turned back to the pair of them. “Well, I’m going to get back to the kitchen; you two should talk a little more.”

“Wait.” Kieran pulled out of his dad’s arms and stepped toward Steven, offering his hand in a proper handshake this time. “It’s really nice to finally meet you, Steven.”

Steven took his hand to shake, and smiled smugly over at his father. “I told you he’d like me.”

Kieran laughed and let go. They watched Steven disappear with a final supportive grin aimed at his father. Kieran looked at his dad, then let out a loud bark of a laugh. “How dumb is this?”

His dad shook his head. “It’s pretty unbelievable. I can’t believe I never picked up on you being gay. Aren’t parents supposed to innately know these kinds of things?”

Kieran lifted one shoulder, feeling as if the weight of the world had been pulled off of them. “I didn’t know
you
were, so….”

His father shook his head and pulled Kieran into his arms once more. “I could have made life so much easier for you if I had just told you from the beginning. I’m sorry, Kier.”

Kieran nodded. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “I feel a lot better now.”

“Good. I’m glad.”
“I hated being so angry at you.”
His dad snorted. “Yeah, me too.”
“I wanted to move away as far as possible.”

His father pulled back slightly, holding him at an arm’s length. “And now?”

Kieran took a moment to find his words. “I… I don’t think I ever actually wanted to go. I think I just wanted to leave you, like I thought you’d left me.”

His dad closed his eyes against something painful and pulled him close again. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“You said that.”

 

“I’m saying it again. Do you realize we’ve hugged more in the past ten minutes than we have in the past two years?”

 

“Maybe it’s a gay thing?” he joked.

His dad laughed and ruffled his hair. “How about we close up early tonight? We’ll wait for the customers we have to finish up, and then we’ll have our pre-graduation dinner as planned.”

Kieran nodded and smiled. “That sounds great.”

 

“Because we really do need to chat about college and what it is you want to do in the fall, okay?”

 

Kieran nodded. “Okay.”

 

“And I
really
want to hear about Drew.”

H
E WAS confused, anxious, and feeling the very beginnings of desperation. High school was officially done. He’d survived in one piece, and his dad and his dad’s boyfriend had been there in the crowd, taking pictures as he received his diploma. He knew what he wanted now; all he needed was to explain it to Drew and to apologize to him for keeping him waiting, but Drew was nowhere in sight.

They graduated in alphabetical order, so Drew should have been the first up on that stage and then him, but they hadn’t even called his name. So while his dad stood there with Steven, talking to one of his teachers, he looked around desperately for the one person who could possibly shed a little light on the situation.

He spotted Matt with Travis and who he assumed were his parents, and strode over without a second thought. He didn’t even wait politely for a pause in conversation; he merely shook Matt’s elbow, a nervous smile playing on his lips.

“Kieran, what are you doing?” Matt pulled his arm away. “You got a second?” He glanced at Travis and waved.

Matt sighed and turned back to his parents to excuse himself. He looked at Kieran and lifted his chin in the direction of the exit to the assembly hall. “Come on.”

They were quiet until they were outside, but as soon as they were alone, Kieran was on him.

“Where is he?”
“I’m fine, thanks,” Matt said sarcastically.

“Sorry, sorry. I know you don’t… you know, like me anymore, but can you please just tell me where he is?”