Knight in Shining Suit (53 page)

I just nodded and stepped
inside the house.

“
Can I offer you something
to drink?” he asked me.

I looked into his eyes,
trying to assess whether he meant it. He was usually rude and
brutal towards me. I didn’t understand why he was making an effort
to be nice to me now. Unless the drink he was offering me was
poisoned. But even if it was, what had I got to lose,
right?

“
Okay,” I replied
curtly.

He opened his fridge. He
stared at it for a while, obviously still lost and my heart just
broke for him. If only, he would allow me to help him find his way
back…

“
Second shelf. Watermelon
Vodka,” I said quietly. I still stocked his fridge up until last
week. He told me once that it was one of the sweetest things anyone
has done for him.

He took the vodka out of
the fridge and rummaged through his drawer to look for a bottle
opener.

“
First drawer, left side,”
I murmured.

He smiled when he found
it. “You seem to know your way around the house,” he
said.

I stared at him, trying to
decipher if that comment was a trap that would be followed by
another insult if I fell for it.

But I was surprised to see
that he had a twinkle in his eye. For the first time in months, I
saw an improvement in him. Before, he looked like a walking time
bomb ready to explode anytime, bottling up his anger and his
confusion. His pride prevented him from admitting that he felt
lost, confused, and not in control.

“
Well, I lived here for a
while,” I murmured.

He stepped closer to me.
My heart pounded in my chest. He stood so close we were almost
touching. He looked down at me, searching my face. I looked away,
blushing, then I stepped back, putting some distance between
us.

When I looked at him
again, he was biting his lip, doubtless he was trying his best not
to laugh or even smile.

He handed me my bottle.
“Would you like to join me on the deck?”

“
Seriously?” I asked him.
“Whatever happened to
‘never gonna be
ready to see me?
’”

He shrugged. “Maybe, I’m
just bored.”

I shook my head. “No,
Ryder. You’re never just bored.”
Everything you do has a purpose.
But
I didn’t say that aloud. I sighed. “Are you going to turn off the
asshole mode?”

“
Asshole mode?” he echoed,
blinking back at me. Then he laughed. I knew that laugh was real.
He stared at me and saw that I wasn’t laughing at all. “Seriously?”
he asked.

I nodded.

“
Alright,” he said,
raising his right hand, swearing like a boy scout. “Asshole
mode—off.”

He led me to his deck. For
a while, we sat in silence, just listening to the sound of the
waves, staring at the tower lights in the distance.

Then he asked, “How long
ago did we meet?”

I sighed. This was
difficult. These beautiful memories killed me as I recalled them.
But if this was a way for Ryder to remember me in his life, then I
could endure the pain.

“
About eleven months
before… before your accident,” I replied.

“
And we only got
together
officially
a couple of days before I got hit?”

I nodded.

“
What were we in
between?”

I smiled bitterly. “We
were… friends, Ryder,” I said. “And you were one of the best.” I
couldn’t disguise the tears in my voice.

He fell quiet after
that.

Then he asked, “Why did it
take so long for us to be… together?”

“
Me,” I replied. “I wasn’t
ready. I was broken. You fixed me. And then… I found out who you
were.”

“
What do you
mean?”

I sighed. “When I met you,
you pretended to be a bartender. We hit it off immediately. You
agreed to help pose as my boyfriend at my ex-fiancé’s wedding. You
covered up all the broken holes in me. You saved my face and my
pride in front of my family.

“
I made you a promise that
I would be better, that I would believe in fairy tale romances
again. I would fix myself. And I would find you when I was ready. I
was excited to look for you again, actually. But I found out that
you were not just a mere bartender. You lied to me. I found out who
you really were. And I didn’t want you anymore.”

“
Why?”

I sighed. “Because… I’ve
never been interested in rich jocks in my life. Even when I was
younger, I wasn’t looking for some dreamboat who was out of my
league. I wanted someone who I could be secure with… somebody who
wouldn’t look down at me, somebody who would believe in me.” I
stared at him and added, “I didn’t want anybody to accuse me that I
was in it for the money. You… did all you could to change my
mind.”

He stared back at me. I
saw an emotion crossing his face. Guilt? Shame? I didn’t know. He
took a gulp of his beer and turned away from me. He fell silent for
a while. I didn’t know if he remembered a thing and if I was making
sense to him.

I took out the check from
my wallet and handed it to him. He stared at the figure in his
hand.

“
I am not going to ask you
to pay me two years of my salary. I will always owe you for helping
me get up on my feet and start this dream.” I reached out for his
hand and squeezed it.

He closed his eyes for a
moment. Then he stared at me. His eyes were wildly confused. His
face was filled with a dark emotion I could not decipher.
Immediately, I took my hand away, afraid that I would trigger
something in him that would further ruin the stained image of me in
his head.

“
Astrid… I’m…” he started
then he trailed off. He took a deep breath. “What happens to you
now? What will happen to the company?”

I looked at the watchtower
from the distance. “I will still run it. I have to make a few
adjustments. But I know I can do it. This is what I do best,” I
replied. “I cannot shut down. I’ve gotten this far. There are
couples out there depending on me to make their ‘ever afters’ come
true. I won’t let them down.”

There was silence again. I
missed Ryder and me. We were two people who wouldn’t run out of
things to talk about. But I guess, it wasn’t time yet. I had to
tread carefully.
Walking time
bomb
, remember?

I finally looked at my
watch. “I better go,” I said. “It’s getting late.”

In truth, I just want to
get away from Ryder now. It was so difficult for me to be in the
same room and not touch him. It was difficult for me to see him
look at me and not remember me at all.

I took my bottle inside to
throw it in the bin, leaving Ryder on the deck. I paused for a
moment and composed myself. I let some of the tears fall. It was
difficult to hold it in. It was difficult to reminisce my wonderful
memories of Ryder, knowing that he didn’t remember any of it at
all.

When I faced him again, I
would have to say goodbye. And who knows how long this goodbye
would last? I may never set foot in this house again. This house
that held too many memories between Ryder and me.

I told myself that I would
not give up on him. But it didn’t mean that I would go around town
chasing him. It would only push him away. He didn’t need that now.
He needed time to heal from this.

I leaned on the counter
and took short breaths, trying my damn best not to break down. But
it was just too hard. So I let the tears fall, silently. I didn’t
whimper. I don’t want to make a sound and let Ryder hear
it.

Then I wiped my tears with
a tissue. Trying so hard to compose myself before I bid my goodbye
to him.

When I turned around, I
found myself face to face with Ryder. He had been just behind me
all the time, standing a few feet away. He’d been watching me
cry.

He looked down at me, his
eyes searching mine. I am sure he saw the tears I was trying so
hard to conceal. His expression softened. And then I saw a flicker
of another emotion on his face. An expression dark and yet
familiar…

“
Damn it!” I heard him
curse and without warning, he wrapped his arms around my waist,
pulling me to his chest and then he leaned down, crushing his lips
to mine.

30.

TULLE:

A kind of textile that is
lightweight and has very fine netting, usually used for
veils.

Ryder.

I
was dreaming for sure because I haven’t felt like this
before. It was like I was in a trance, and I don’t ever want to
wake up. I felt the surge of emotions sweep through me in tides
that I could not control. I gave up fighting. I gave in.

I crushed her into my arms
and kissed her the way I have wanted to kiss her since the first
time I laid eyes on her at the hospital. The way I always wanted to
kiss her whenever I looked at her.

I know I shouldn’t let my
guard down. But there is something about this woman that draws me
in, and drowns me.

The minute she walked into
the house, her scent captured my senses. If I close my eyes, I
could swear that I know that scent well. But when I look at her, I
can’t place her.

I listened to her sweet
voice and I could almost say it was familiar. But I don’t remember
a thing. I still do not remember her.

Astrid confuses me in many
ways. Maybe that is why I was not ready for her yet. Everything was
in place. I am okay. I am stable even with this stupid cloud in my
brain. But when she’s around, she throws me out of
balance.

Like… my mind tells me one
thing, but something else inside me is fighting for her.

When she touched me a
while ago, I felt my nerves jump. I felt her skin against mine and
it was comfortably familiar. But I don’t know her. And I don’t
trust what I do not know.

She melted in my kisses. I
tasted salt on her lips and I knew she couldn’t stop crying
anymore. And for the life of me, I wanted to make her tears stop!
Something about her makes me want to protect her…
always.

I carried her to my bed. I
told myself to be careful, but I just didn’t care anymore. I gave
in to my desires. God, I wanted her with every fiber of my soul. I
have never felt like this before. Usually, I’m attracted to a woman
physically. No emotions involved. And it had never been this
strong; it made me abandon sense and reason.

We had sex. No, this was
not sex. This was not just lust. This was something else. Something
I could not place.

I couldn’t get enough of
her. It was like I have been so thirsty for a long time and now I
find myself drinking in her, getting intoxicated by her.

She was like a drug I
didn’t know I craved. Something I needed, and wanted without me
knowing it.

When I made love to her,
it was like… feeling lost for a very long time, and then finally
finding my way back home. It was comforting, satisfying, exciting,
confusing, and scary all at once. And I don’t want it to ever
end.

She screamed my name when
she reached her peak, and it was the loveliest sound I have ever
heard in my life. Familiar, and yet strange at the same
time.

It was like a sweet
episode of
déjà vu
that I did not understand. It felt like the first time for
me, and yet I also felt like I have done this a dozen times
before.

And when we were done, I
gathered her in my arms and held her tightly, breathing in the
scent of her, understanding for the first time in months, what my
sister, my mother, and my friends have been telling me since I woke
up at the hospital.

I was head over heels in
love with this woman.

I heard her quiet
breathing in the darkness and I smiled to myself. I kissed her bare
shoulder and held her against me tightly.

My consciousness does not
remember her. I don’t recall what I see. But her scent was all too
familiar, the feel of her in my arms felt like something I would
die to go home to everyday.

I don’t remember her, yet.
But I know I am going to. And even if I don’t, how can I forget
this night? The feel of her in my arms, the magic of this
lovemaking will haunt my dreams, even my waking hours.

Maybe she really is a
witch. And she’s got me under her spell—again! And unlike the time
I found out about her when I woke up in the hospital, I was not mad
at all.

Tomorrow…

Tomorrow, things would be
different for her. Tomorrow, she will not hurt because of me
anymore. And for the first time in months, I felt the lightness in
my chest.

I hugged her to me
tightly. I fell asleep with her skin keeping me warm, and her scent
intoxicating me.

When I woke up, my arms
immediately reached out for her, to gather her against my chest and
hug her, as if it was second nature for me to do that. But all I
felt was the cold sheet and the empty space she left.