Lacrimosa (14 page)
Authors: Christine Fonseca
But that was before.
Now that my memories of that life are unleashed, now that my feelings are awakened, I have to face the bitter truth.
I will always love Aydan.
I stare out of the window of my small bedroom, my human body asleep. The sun rises above the nearby buildings, casting beams of pink and yellow light bouncing off the glass encased skyscrapers. The scene is breathtaking. Calm.
And completely lost on me.
Nothing will make me feel calm. Not until Aydan is gone and my emotions purged.
“Hey,” Zane says as he walks into the room. “You okay?”
“I guess.” I turn from the beautiful view and look at my dearest friend, wondering. How much does he know? “What happened with the Council?”
“We got the ‘your-loyalty-is-to-Celestium’ speech. No big deal.”
“They think I’m going to fail.”
“They think you can’t separate from your emotions. And they’re worried that we’ll cover for you.”
“And would you? Cover for me?”
“Would I have a reason to?” Zane stares through me, pushing into my thoughts.
I block the uninvited intrusion, not ready for him to know everything yet.
“This looks serious,” Cass says. “What am I missing?”
“Nesy’s going to ask us to choose between her and the Council.”
“I didn’t say that. I just asked what you would do if my plans differed from theirs.”
“Do they?” Cass asks.
“No. Not really.” I turn back to the window. I want to tell them I can’t do this. Want them to tell me there’s a way out that I won’t have to kill the one I still love.
I feel Cass’s hand on my shoulder. “You know we’d do anything for you, Nesy. But Aydan is evil. You have to finish this.”
“He wasn’t always this way.” The words pour out before I can stop them. All I can think about is the way he was as Adam—his kindness, his love.
“None of them were.”
I turn to my friends, lost in a fantasy I want to be real. “What if he could find his way back to us?” I ask. “Stop being evil?”
“Impossible,” Zane says. “It’s too late for him.”
“Why?” There has to be a way. Some path of redemption. I’m not ready to lose him again, no matter what he’s done.
“Because he likes killing too much,” Zane answers. “He’s Azzaziel’s right-hand man. There’s no redemption for that kind of evil.”
My silence betrays my thoughts, confessing everything I won’t admit.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Cass asks “Adam.”
I nod.
“I'm so sorry.” Her embrace showers me in pity.
I step away from her. “Don’t. I won’t have you feeling sorry for me. I’ll figure a way out of this and fulfill my duty.” I look from Cass to Zane, disgusted by the pained expressions on their faces—reminders of all of the ways I’ve failed.
“Are you sure you can?” Zane asks, his body tight with anxiety.
“I’m a Sentinal. Trained by Mikayel himself. Of course I can.”
Cass furrows her brow. “And you’re in love with your target.”
“That was a long time ago. I’m not that person anymore. Neither is he. We both left that life—and our love.”
“Still, asking you to kill the one you love is more than any one should have to bear, even a Sentinal. Perhaps they should—”
“No, I will not ask for a new team. I don’t love that UnHoly. Not anymore. And I don’t fail. Not ever.”
“Why are you being so stubborn?” Zane's forehead wrinkles. His mouth twitches. “If you’re wrong, if you can’t handle this, Aydan
will
kill you. Or worse, Azzaziel will figure out who you are. He’ll torture you until you join his ranks. We’ve all seen it happen before.”
“Not with me, you haven’t.” I clench my jaw, refusing to acknowledge the truth of his words. “Look, I know I can handle this. It’s just another assignment like all the others. I’ll do my duty, regardless of anything else. I owe Mikayel that much.” I feel my emotions subside. Feel my warrior’s mask harden. Centuries of training take over and slowly I become everything I’ve been trained to be. . .
A cold, heartless, warrior.
“I am not broken. I will do this.” I say the words more for myself than my friends.
“This isn’t about your being broken, Nes. It’s about being smart. A Sentinal would know that, would see when they’re outmatched.” Zane’s voice is barely audible.
“I’m not outmatched,” I say through gritted teeth. “Not even close.” I look at my physical body still sleeping. “Now, if you two will excuse me, I need to slip into form. I have a
demon
to vanquish.” The lie sticks in my throat.
“Nesy—”
“I'm fine, Cass. But seriously, get out of here and let me get dressed. There's a chance he hasn’t figured out who I am. I need to get this finished before he does. Then I can forget all about Aydan. About everything.”
Yeah, right. No chance of that.
Chapter 18 - Conflicted
Aydan
Azza expects my allegiance. Demands it. But things are different for me now. The mere thought of taking his vows fills me with disgust.
I can’t go through with this. Not anymore.
I think of the Seer, Lori. There is something familiar about her too. Something that pulls on the fringes of my memories. I reach for the fragmented pieces of that former life, desperate to unlock the riddle of who the Seer really is, but I can’t.
I only know her presence binds me to Azza forever. He won’t stop now. Not until I’ve been branded. Not until I’ve fully become the Beast.
This was always the price for my vengeance so long ago. But now that it’s time, now that the Seer has been found, I’m torn.
I don’t want this life anymore.
I want Nesy.
She reminds me of everything I’ve lost. Everything I still have to lose. If only I could find a way out of this fate.
My mind swims in the possibilities, a drop of hope blooming in my chest. Maybe I can find my way back to Celestium.
The Beast claws through me, shredding any possibility for a different life. My eyes water as every death I’ve caused streams past.
It’s too late.
There have been so many lives ruined. So many atrocities committed.
Hope withers and dies and I’m resigned to the disgust of who I am and the only option left to me—
A life spent as Azza’s slave.
A life filled with killing.
A life as…
the Beast.
Chapter 19 – Finding Lorelei
Nesy
I arrive at East Side moments before class. Aydan is bound to be at school, if for no other reason than to feed off the students’ torment and pain as they learn about their classmate’s death.
Was that only yesterday?
It seems like a lifetime ago.
The campus is quiet. Solemn. Grief counselors meet with small groups of students helping them process the loss. They huddle together. Some cry. Many seem curious, whispering questions. “Was it a drug overdose?” “Was she attacked by some psychopath?” “Did she kill herself?” The questions are endless.
And all wrong.
Aydan is to blame. Only Aydan.
Two innocent deaths on my watch. Two more reasons why I have to finish this now. Today.
Before I change my mind.
My morning classes creep by with no sign of Aydan. No sign of Azzaziel. Strange. They should be here. I reach out my thoughts, searching. Every feeling leads me back to school. They’re here.
Somewhere.
The bell for lunch rings and I head out amongst the throng. The students are not as sad, not as shocked. They walk with their friends as death fades from their conversations.
I walk too, still looking for any sign of Aydan. Tendrils of emotion seep through my façade as seconds turn into minutes. My body tenses and I imagine the feel of his hand in mine.
No. I won’t do this. I won’t pine for him.
Focus, Sentinal.
I ignore the waxing tide of feelings threatening to overcome me. Desire, guilt, rage.
Sentinals do not give in to emotions
. I repeat the words, desperate to embrace my training. None of it works as the tempest continues to rise, swirling through me. Confusing me.
I make one last attempt to find Aydan amongst the crowd at lunch. My mind splinters as pictures of my sister filter into my thoughts. Images of a suicide. Her suicide.
Help me Nesy. Please. Make me strong. This is the only way…
I try to dismiss the voice, the images, and focus only on my job. It’s no use. Lorelei’s pleas are too compelling.
“Nesy.”
Not in my head.
“Nesy.”
That voice is real.
“Are you okay?”
I spin around and face my past. “Lori?” Her name scrapes across my throat. I stare into her eyes. She’s alive, just as Raphael promised. Alive with no memory.
I hope
.
“Hey! I was looking for you.” I say.
“That’s funny, I was looking for you too.”
“Me? Why?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. You know, after last night and all.” Lori stares relentlessly into my eyes and I see the truth. She
is
my sister. My human sister. Impossible or not, Lori and Lorelei are one. “I needed to see that Aydan didn’t really hurt you.” She looks from my neck to my arm, scrutinizing my skin.
So much for no memory.
My body stiffens and I fumble for the right words. “Um, what do you mean? Hurt me how?”
“You don’t need to play dumb with me. I know what happened, same as you.”
I remain silent, unsure of exactly what to do or say.
Lori takes my hand and leads me to the same low wall where we talked two days ago. She sits, motioning for me to come next to her.
“I know who you are,” she whispers. “I know
what
you are.”
I say nothing, praying this isn’t actually happening.
“You’re an angel.” Lori smiles at me, looking more like the six-year-old girl I left behind so long ago. “You came to protect me. Just like in Germany.”
Guess I can’t pretend this isn’t happening anymore. “Lorelei?”
She nods. My world fractures as both lives collide. I wrap her into a tight embrace, unwilling—unable—to stop the flood of happiness I feel. “I can’t believe it’s really you. How much do you remember? From last night? How much?”
“Everything. You and Aydan were fighting. Azza took me away. I thought he was going to kill me.”
I did too.
“An angel rescued me. He frightened Azza away and brought me home.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “The angel tried to make me forget you, tried to change my memories. But he couldn’t. I hid them away, just like Momma taught me.” Lori fumbles with the winged charm around her neck, biting her lip. “I’ve waited too long for you to come back to me to forget everything now.”