Lakeside Sweetheart (11 page)

“Do you resent them? Or is this about me?”

“No, I'm happy for them. And yes, this is about you...and me. I've accepted that I'll never have that. I'd made a point of not allowing myself to even think about that type of life—the big house with a garden and kids and dogs running around. I can't see me ever being a mother.”

Rory hated the defeat in her words. “Why can't you have all of that?” And what did she mean, telling him this was about him?

And her. Him and her together? Apart? Maybe? Maybe not?

He was beginning to like the
together
idea. Or the
near you
idea, at least.

The image of her sitting in a swing with a child in the backyard of the house she was about to sell hit him somewhere near his solar plexus. Too soon. Way too soon for that kind of daydream. No wonder she'd panicked. He was about to panic, too.

“I've set my standards very low, and I have to get past some issues before I even consider that kind of life.”

She was certainly dropping enough hints to give him the picture. She wanted him to back off.

He tried speaking the truth. “Maybe it's too soon after everything you've been through. No one around here expects anything of you, Vanessa. Take time to grieve and to figure out what you need to do for yourself. This isn't about you and me. We're good. We're friends. The rest is up to you.”

“Yes, and I should be able to deal with it. I have some good memories, but I'm afraid I brought the bad ones with me because I never cleaned up that part of my life.”

Rory could see it now. She'd packed away her emotions, but now that she was being forced to face her past, the clutter was coming out. The clutter and the baggage of a deep pain. “This is not an easy process.”

She grabbed one of the cookies. “No. I thought it would be easy but it's hard, Rory. And I want to thank you for being so kind to me.” She broke off a chunk of cookie. “I think this is something I have to do on my own. I know I keep telling you that, but it's the only way I can clear my head.”

“Is that my cue to leave?”

“No. I need you to understand. You are an amazing man who cares about other human beings, but some things, some people, can't be fixed. And you might need to accept that I'm one of those.”

Chapter Eleven

R
ory stilled beside her. “You think I'm trying to fix you? Is that why you left today?”

She gave him an imploring stare. “Well, aren't you?”

Rory ran a hand over his hair and shook his head. Had he been that obvious or that arrogant? “No. This isn't about
fixing
a person, Vanessa. Me, reaching out to you, at first, it was all about the pain I saw in your eyes. I
did
want to fix that maybe. That's my calling. That's my job. My hope. I want you to feel God's love and know that you're not alone. I want you to be happy. But I understand that I can't
fix
you. Being a minister, a man of God, doesn't mean I have all the answers. There are no easy answers. But I can help people who are in pain. Because I know that kind of pain.”

“Why?” she asked. “Why do you know that kind of pain? Why can't you open up to me the way you expect me to open up to you?”

Rory sat in stunned silence. No one had ever turned the tables on him before. Most people were so glad to have someone to talk to in confidence that they never suspected their minister might have suffered at some point in his life. And Rory certainly never offered up his life story.

“You see,” she said, nodding when he didn't answer her question. “How can you expect me to pour out my soul to you when you can't be honest with me? I've had too many people in my life who withheld things from me, Rory. I don't even know my father. Never even saw the man. And I really didn't know my mother. But I learned from her...and from the lifestyle she chose. I can't live like that. I'm afraid to hope because I'd probably be a horrible wife and a terrible mother. And I don't think God can help me change.”

“But He can,” Rory said, shocked that she'd become so bitter and jaded. “I never knew either of my biological parents,” he said, giving in, crossing a line. “And I fell in love once before. But that didn't last either. So I decided to serve my country, but I joined the army for all the wrong reasons. Until God showed me the one right reason for being there. I could help people who thought they were beyond help.”

Tears misted in her eyes. “I'm sorry. My problems are small, really, compared to all of that.”

“No, Vanessa.” He grabbed her hand. “To God, no one's problem is small. He can handle it. He can take the smallest problem or the biggest problem onto His shoulders.” Staring over at her, he added, “It's not the size of the problem. It's the strength of our faith that matters. No matter the problem and no matter the outcome. Good or bad, God will see us through.”

“But how will I know if He's willing to do that for me?” she asked, tears moving down her cheeks.

He touched a hand to her arm and then pointed to his heart. “That has to come from inside you. You have to allow Him into your heart. And when it happens, you won't have to do anything. You'll know. You'll feel it and your life will change.”

“How do I reach that point?” she asked. “How do I become more like you? Truly happy and truly thankful?”

“You're doing it right now, here in this house. Step by step, day by day. You have to open yourself up to the possibilities. You have to accept that in God's eyes, you matter.”

She looked so surprised he wanted to take her in his arms and reassure her. “You'll get through this but it won't be easy. It might take a few days, or weeks or years, even. Grief is a never-ending process. You've lost your mother, but you've also lost a part of yourself. I think part of your grief stems from not knowing a lot of things, of what might have been, what could have been. You can't find peace or closure because you've never had those things in the past. You're left with a lot of questions.”

Her eyes widened, as if a lightbulb had gone off. But then the light in her eyes dimmed again. “Will I ever have that feeling, Rory? That feeling of standing in a beautiful garden, in the sunshine, with love all around me?”

“I hope so,” he said. Then he did reach for her. He took her into his arms and hugged her close. “I've never done this before. I'm trying so hard not to cross that line. I want you to trust me.”

She pulled back and gave him a wobbly smile. “I do trust you, more than I've ever trusted anyone. But that scares me.”

Rory's eyes met hers. “It doesn't have to be scary.” He wanted to kiss her and tell her about how his feelings were changing each time he was around her. “I don't want to scare you. I want to make you feel better.”

He couldn't stop the feelings coursing through him. He pulled her close and held her. “I'm afraid, too, Vanessa. I'm afraid to share things with you. I'm afraid to give in to you. You'll leave and I'll be alone again.”

She pulled back to stare up at him with misty eyes. “You were in love once?”

“Yes.”

“And it ended badly?”

He closed his eyes to the scenes in his head. “Yes.”

“You don't have to talk about it, Rory,” she said. “I understand.”

He pulled her back into his arms. “It was a long time ago.”

They didn't speak for a while. He held her there and savored the quiet of having someone to hold. Even while the weight of his guilt tried to drag him back down.

Finally, she pulled away and wiped her eyes. “Thank you.”

Rory touched a finger to her moist cheek. “You're going to pull through. You're safe now. We're all with you. We're all praying for you.”

“I know,” she said. “I can feel it.” She touched a hand to her heart. “Here.”

After telling her good-night, Rory stepped out into the moonlight and stared up at the heavens.

I'm in deep here, Lord. I could use some grace and guidance
.

Because he didn't want to watch Vanessa walk away again.

She was in church the next day. And she waited to talk to him after the sermon. “I've decided I can't rush this. So I'm staying here a little longer than I'd planned.” She pushed at her hair and looked out at the lake. “I'll be here for a few weeks at least.”

He wanted to do a fist pump, but he refrained. “That's probably a good idea. The rummage and estate sales are at the end of next week, and that'll be exhausting. Give yourself time to get through that and then rest up for a while. This is a good place to heal, I promise.”

“I'm beginning to see that,” she said. “I'm sorry about how I left the cookout, but I appreciate you checking on me last night.” She shrugged. “I've already talked to Marla about it, and she made me feel better about things. She went through a lot of grief when her husband was killed and Gabby had such an ordeal.” Glancing around, she said, “Thank you for checking on me.”

“Of course,” he said. He wanted to add, “Anytime.” But he was beginning to think in terms of “All the time.”

Two little kids ran by, squealing and giggling. Vanessa whirled to stare at them. “So full of energy. That's another thing that scares me about ever having children. I'm not equipped to handle all the needs of a child. Maybe I shouldn't volunteer to be a mentor since I'm not practiced in that area.”

“They can be intimidating,” Rory said. But he didn't buy that she'd never want children or that she wouldn't be good with children. Kandi might help in that area—if she didn't mow down Vanessa before they ever got to know each other. They'd made progress the first time they'd met, but being a mentor to a troubled teen took staying power. If Vanessa got close to Kandi and then left out of fear, they'd both suffer for it. So he hoped she'd dive right in with the youth program. She'd have to explain to Kandi that it would only be for a few weeks, but they could be friends for life.

“I liked your sermon,” Vanessa said, her eyes following the children as they chased each other around the church yard.

He'd talked about coming to God with the attitude of a little child—open and honest and inquisitive, full of possibility and hope. He wished for that kind of acceptance and grace in Vanessa's life.

“I'm glad you decided to come today,” he said. “And that you liked the message.”

She gave him a soft smile. “Well, I've got a busy afternoon. Tagging, bagging and dragging.”

He laughed and almost offered to help her. But he was going to step back and let her decide how much she wanted from him. It was the only way. “Then I guess I'll see you Wednesday night. I have some shut-ins to visit today.”

Rory waved to her once she was on the other side of the street and saw the light from the afternoon sun casting her in golden whitewashed rays. She looked beautiful, standing there.

She was staying a while longer. That gave him hope. Because he'd felt it again today, standing beside her on the church steps. The kind of love that felt so beautiful, it pierced through the hardest of hearts. The kind of love that faith brought to a relationship.

He'd almost forgotten how that could feel.

“I want that,” he said into the sun. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath and allowed himself to hope again.

Because now, he was thinking he wanted that with her.

* * *

On Monday morning, Rory's office phone jingled. When he didn't hear Barbara picking up, he remembered she had a doctor's appointment this morning. So he grabbed for the phone on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Oh, hi. I was hoping to talk to Barbara.”

Vanessa.

“Hi. She's out for an appointment. How are you?”

“I'm better,” she said. “Got a lot done yesterday.”

“That's good. We're bringing stuff out this week and next. We store donations in the back of Alec's big warehouse and move them over here for the sale in our gathering hall.”

“I'm almost ready, too,” she said. “But I'm calling about Kandi, and I thought Barbara might have an answer. Did I ever get cleared to be her mentor?”

Rory sat up straight. “I'm pretty sure you did. I'll call Wanda and find out for sure. Are you coming Wednesday night?”

“I thought I would. For a midweek break and because I've been where she is and I thought maybe I could at least listen to her and encourage her while I'm here.”

“I think that's a great idea,” he said, lifting his eyes heavenward in a thankful prayer. “At least she's not seeing that boy anymore, according to Wanda.”

“I hope not. They could be sneaking around though.”

“I know.” He prayed not. “I'll call Wanda and get back to you, but I don't think it'll be a problem. Kandi needs positive adult role models.”

“Not sure I'm that, but I'll try.”

She sounded kind of down. He wished he could make her see her worth. “You're more than qualified.”

“If you count the school of hard knocks.”

“Been there, got the diploma,” he retorted. “Believe me, that counts for a lot.”

“One day you'll have to explain that to me but only when you're ready.”

He laughed, thinking she might be dropping him a hint to give her time, too. “It's a long story.” Then he hesitated and took a deep breath. “Are we okay, you and me?”

A pause. “Yes, why wouldn't we be?”

He let out a sigh. “I don't know. I mean, I hugged you the other night.”

“Don't you hug a lot of your church members?”

“Yes, but they don't all feel as good in my arms as you do.”

Her smile held a hint of mischief and a dollop of doubt. “Are we doing something forbidden, Rory?”

“Not that I know of. I might be a preacher, but I'm still a man and... I'm attracted to you.”

When she didn't respond, he thought he'd lost her again. But finally she said, “It felt good, being in your arms.”

“So are you staying here a while longer because...in part because of that?”

“Maybe. That and Kandi and the house and a thousand different reasons.”

“Well, I'm glad I might be one of them.”

“I'll talk to you later.”

He sure hoped so. “I'll see you later this week.”

* * *

Vanessa checked the bag she'd bought this afternoon. She'd been approved to mentor Kandi, so she'd bought the teen all kinds of girlie stuff. Lotions and nail polish, earrings and a colorful necklace and a tie-dyed scarf. She'd even thrown in some books, young-adult type stories that the salesclerk had assured her would be suitable for a girl Kandi's age.

Time to go. Her nerves rattled a protest, which was silly. Just talk with Kandi and visit with everyone. It would do her good to get out of her gloom to try and help someone. Or so she told herself.

And she'd see Rory there, of course.

But she also reminded herself that she'd made a solemn vow never to have children. She didn't want to put a child through some of the things she'd endured. She was so afraid she'd turn out like her mother. Vanessa didn't think she had what it would take to raise a child.

She knew she needed to focus on something besides her own problems. And the preacher. She had to stop thinking about Rory. Something had happened between them the other night. Something that was soft and soothing but also exciting and intriguing. She'd never felt that way in a man's arms before.

Cherished.

Rory made her feel cherished. He was willing to fight for her, and Vanessa had never known that feeling before either.

But she couldn't stay here, waiting for what might or might not develop between them.

And yet there he was, front and center, when she entered the gathering hall. He looked so unpreacher-like in his faded khaki shorts and chambray button-up shirt. Now
he'd
make a great father. He loved this group.

Vanessa sent up a prayer for strength. She seemed to have a big crush on the preacher. But ministers did have a personal life, so she shouldn't feel so guilty.