Lauren's Dilemma (13 page)

He hugged
her close, and she felt his lips moving against her hair. His breath, playing
through her tousled curls, was warm and somehow comforting.

“I can
see.” Laughing, he tightened his arms around her. “The knock on the head did
it. A piece of shrapnel has been pressing on a nerve, and when I fell the force
must have dislodged it. After I woke up, everything seemed hazy but I could
see.” He crushed her even closer. “They put me in a semi-darkened room so my
eyes could adjust to the light again.”

“How
wonderful.” She rubbed her cheek against his shirt. “What about your memory?”
She held her breath, not realizing how she had tensed up until he spoke.

“What's the
matter, Laurie? You've become rigid.”

“Can you
remember?”

“No.”

She sagged
against him in relief.

“Perhaps I
need another crack on the head.”
 
He gave
a rueful laugh. “Is it so important for me to remember?”

“No. I want
you to get your memory back, of course I do, but...” Even as she mouthed the
words, a little inner voice whispered if he doesn’t remember, your pretence can
continue.

“There is
something, isn't there? Something important has been wiped from my mind,
because it frightens you. I sensed your fear.”

“You're
imagining things.”

“No, you
were frightened. Don't deny it. I know what fear is all about. I lived with it,
ate and slept with it for months. Now, why did I say that? There are things I
remember but they come and go like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, only there’s so
much missing, nothing makes any sense.” He broke off and drew her towards the
couch. After she was seated, he lowered himself down beside her.

“I can
remember lots of noise. It sounded terrible, made my ears ring, but suddenly it
went quiet. Strange though, the silence seemed even worse.”

“You wrote
to me, describing the noise of the shells and the bombardment. You said they
arranged an Armistice for nine hours so each side could bury their dead.”

“An
Armistice, yes. I went swimming one day, and met up with Guy Webster, one of my
neighbors from home.”

“Anything
else?”

“No.” A
tremor shuddered through him. “There was something a minute ago, another
soldier. He was young, but it wasn't at Gallipoli, I'm sure of it. Stand up,
Laurie, so I can look at you.”

Obediently
she did so. Slowly, his eyes traveled over every inch of her, as if he wanted
to lock her image into his mind so it wouldn't escape.

“You're
beautiful, so slim and fragile. How did a great, hulking chap like me choose
something so exquisite?”

“Flatterer.
What about my red hair? I've got a temper to match, I'm warning you,” she
teased, feeling happy for him because he could now see. If he got his memory
back, he might even grow to love her a little so they could marry. They had
both suffered because of the war. Is it too much to ask for a little happiness
together, God?

“Come and
sit down.” He tugged her hand. When she was seated he cupped her chin with
long, slender fingers. “Ah, you've got green eyes. Your hair is more auburn
than red, I think, but it's too dull in here to see properly.”

“Do you
know Harry Bates?” she asked

“Double
amputee?”

“Yes, I met
his mother at the hotel, poor thing. His two brothers were killed and Harry is
all she’s got left. It isn't fair.”

“It must be
wretched for you coming here, seeing such terrible sights. You're too young to
witness this kind of suffering. I shouldn't allow it, but I need you
desperately. Your visits are the only thing keeping me sane.”

He kissed
her on the lips. A mere fleeting touch, but his mouth felt warm and firm
against hers. Was she being disloyal to Danny by liking Blair’s caress?
  
If they did marry sometime in the future,
would he be disappointed that she was no longer a virgin?
 
She had given to Danny what every husband had
a right to expect from his bride. Stop this self flagellation, she scolded. You
loved Danny. He was going to marry you. He just wanted something special to
take to the war with him, something to sustain him in his darkest hour. Should
she tell Blair?
 
Oh, God, she couldn’t.
She forced herself to concentrate on what he was saying.

“All
morning I've been walking up and down, exercising my leg. I have to get well
quickly so I can take you away from all the sadness here. You'll love Coolibah,
I know. It's so peaceful there. We'll be able to forget all about the war, not
even read a newspaper if we don't want to. Do you ride?”

“Yes, I
love it.”

“Good, we
have horses, but I'll buy you a special one, for your own use. A neighbor of
mine has a horse stud. He's got cattle, as well, but breeds horses as a
sideline.”

“I'd love a
horse of my own. We could go on long rides together, mustering even?”

“Long rides
yes, mustering no.” He shook his head. “I'll write to Fergie tonight.”

“Fergie?”

“My
housekeeper, Mrs. Ferguson. As a child I called her Fergie. I couldn't
pronounce Ferguson,
I suppose. She lives at the homestead in self-contained quarters.”

“Sounds
wonderful, but it must be a while since you were there. Maybe it's changed.”

“No, it
won't have changed, I'm sure of it. Must be eighteen months or more since I was
last there. Most of the young stockmen have joined up, so the place would be
running with a few old timers. Things might have slipped back a little with the
lack of manpower, but I promise you this, the bush and the peace and serenity
never change.”

“I love the
country. I couldn't live in the city for long, there's too much bustle and
noise for me.”

“That's how
I feel.” He hugged her tight. “Now I can see, we can get married straight away.
I'll take you to Coolibah as my bride.”

No words of
love she thought with a pang, just a proposal of marriage.

“I can't,
Blair, not yet.”

“What is
it? Did something happen? I mean...” He muttered a swear word. “I don't know
what I mean. My memory might never return, have you thought of that? If this
shrapnel moves, I might go blind again. I'm not much of a prospect, am I?”

“I don't
care. Let’s wait another couple of months, and then if your memory hasn't
returned, I'll marry you.”

“Can't you
tell me what worries you? It couldn't be anything you did. It has to be me.”

“Please,
just forget about it.
 
Get well quickly
so you can take me to Coolibah.”

He sighed.
“If that's how you want it.”

“It has to
be like this. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.” She desperately wanted to tell
him the truth now about her charade, but she didn't dare. Not only would she
risk losing his good opinion of her, it could prove dangerous for him to
receive such a shock. It was dreadful living a lie. Guilt weighed her down, but
what could she do?
 
If his memory did not
return, one of her secrets would be safe, but the other one?
 
Would an experienced man of the world, as he
undoubtedly was, be able to tell?

The rest of
the afternoon sped by. Blair spoke about his property with such pride in his
voice she was moved, and Helen had wanted him to sell it.

The next
few days passed in a similar fashion. Blair did not venture out into the direct
sunlight for three days, but once he became accustomed to the light, he always
waited on the verandah for her.

* * *

Laurie caught
her heel in her dress and ripped the hem down. “Damn.” By the time she had
finished sewing it up, it was really late.

Mrs. Bates
caught up with her in the hallway.

“Hello,
Laurie.”

“Mrs.
Bates, how are you?”

“Good. My
brother and his wife have gone to pick Harry up in their car. We're taking him
home today.”

“I'm so
glad for you.” She gently squeezed the old lady’s fingers.

She was
anxious to see Blair but did not have the heart to cut Mrs. Bates short. The
poor thing obviously felt nervous and apprehensive about taking Harry home.

The car
arrived eventually and Laurie waved to Mrs. Bates and her son as they drove
off. Please, God, let things work out for them, she prayed, they've suffered
enough pain already.

She was so
late now that she started running as she neared the hospital. Blair waited by
the gates, staring straight ahead.

“Laurie.”
She ran into his arms and he hugged her close.

“Sorry for
being late, I got caught up with Mrs. Bates. Harry went home today.” Her eyes
filled with tears thinking of the other woman's plight.

“Yes, I
know. Some relatives came for him. You feel things too deeply.”

He kissed
her on the mouth. It was a gentle caress, but her lips trembled.

“Oh,
darling,” he groaned, crushing her to him.

His mouth
took hers with a hungry desperation, and as his kiss deepened, she wanted it
never to end.

“Oh, my
God.” He pulled away and thrust his fingers through his hair. “I'm sorry, I
shouldn't have done that.”

“It's all
right, I liked it,” she admitted shyly.

Arm in arm
they strolled together. He still limped, but he did not lean so heavily against
her now.

“I see the
doctors again tomorrow.
 
If I get the
all-clear, we could be home for the weekend.” He broke off frowning. “Would you
want to see your father first? I suppose I should speak to him about us.”

“No, Dad
will understand about me wanting to go with you. Do you think we could leave
soon? I have to admit I won't be sorry to get out of Melbourne.”

“Me either.
You've been sweet about everything, staying here in the city when you prefer
the country. Coming to see me every day. It's not much of a life for a young
lady, but I'll make it up to you, I promise.”

“I didn't
mind too much.”

“I've
written to Fergie saying we'll be home soon. All I have to wait for is the
doctor's report. I'm confident about being discharged, though. They need my
bed. There are so many other men much worse off than I am now.”

Steven sat
in his wheelchair on the lawn with two pretty girls giving him their full
attention, and he smiled and waved. Laurie returned his greeting cheerfully.
She would miss these brave young men when it was time to leave, but oh, to feel
the fresh country air blowing in her face and smell the quintessential perfume
of the bush again.

Blair had
made no declaration of love, and he obviously did not think it strange she did
not mention the word, either. Once he left the confines of the hospital, he
would expect things to be different. Would he want to do more than merely kiss
her? Could she pretend she was still a virgin? Oh, God, if he found out, would
he despise her?
 
Think of her as a fallen
woman?
 
A harlot?

Chapter Seven

Laurie's
first impression of Coolibah homestead was of a mellow, single-storied,
colonial style house built from yellow sandstone. It had a hipped roof, with stone
columns supporting the timber verandah that encircled the house.

A huge gum
tree dominated the front garden, and as they drove up a winding, pine-lined
drive, she caught her breath at the sheer beauty of it all.

“What do
you think of it?”

“It's beautiful,”
she said in an emotional whisper.
 
How
had he ever been able to leave it?

“I thought
you’d like it.”
 
He squeezed her hand,
but made no other show of affection. Had he been so distant and correct with
Helen?
 
Did they ever make love as she
and Danny had? The impact of those disturbing thoughts shocked her.

In the
distance, neatly laid out, were stockyards and numerous outbuildings. He
pointed to the men's quarters, which were built of hardwood planks and
undressed poles.

Everything
dozed in the hot afternoon sun. Contented cattle grazed in distant, neatly
fenced paddocks.

“I haven't
seen any sheep yet.”

“They're on
another smaller property a few miles from here.” What a change had come over
him, now he was home. The strained tension disappeared, color returned to his
pale cheeks.

It had been
a dreadful rush over the last couple of days. She’d made a quick trip into Melbourne to buy new
clothes, which Blair had insisted on paying for. He’d organized a motorized
taxi to pick them up from the convalescent home and take them to the railway
station. In fact, he arranged everything with military precision. It was
reassuring to have a capable man take charge of everything, instead of
struggling to do things alone.