Lauren's Dilemma (12 page)

He took her
arm again as they meandered across the grass. “A peppercorn tree.” He grinned
boyishly. “I can smell it.”

Like
excited children they explored the greenery, Blair naming various trees and
shrubs by smell. Those with no fragrance he tried to guess by touch and she
laughed happily as he correctly named most things.

He soon
became exhausted. She could tell he was under enormous strain by the way the
muscles stood out in his throat as he clenched his teeth in determination.

“Let's have
a rest.” She steered him towards a bench under the shade of a huge oak tree.
The garden looked magnificent, no doubt about it. Other patients and visitors
moved about on the lawns, as well, the pale pastel colors of the ladies' frocks
a pleasing contrast against the green shrubbery.

They sat
together without speaking, their fingers threaded together, and in those few
moments she felt close to him. Could he ever love her? The best she could hope
for was gratitude, perhaps some fondness. She would never forget Danny, whose
memory remained locked and cherished in her heart forever. It wasn’t wrong
trying to reach out for a second chance of happiness with Blair, surely? Too
soon, her conscience cried out. Far too soon.

He broke
the silence with a suddenness that startled her. “When I’m discharged from
here, will you come home to Coolibah with me?
 
We can get married as soon as I make the arrangements.”

“If you
want me to come back home with you I will, but I can't marry you.”

“I
understand.
 
You don't want to be tied
down to a blind cripple.” His voice was rough as gravel.

“That's not
the reason. When your memory returns, if you still want me to marry you, I
will.”

“My memory
might never return.”

“Don't say
that. You must have faith. You'll get better. I know it.” She increased the
pressure of her fingers against his.

“Marry me
now, Laurie. I need you.”

What a
dilemma? She was tempted. Dare she say yes? Marriage to him would take away the
empty loneliness of her heart and give her some kind of future to look forward
to. At home, her father, the store, the whole town, every blade of grass and
every tree trunk reminded her of Danny. The places they had been together, the
friends they shared, if she didn’t get away for a while, she would go mad.
Blair needed her. He had loved and lost, too. His dreams lay shattered just
like hers.

“I can't
marry you until your memory returns, it wouldn't be right, but I won't desert
you, either. I promise I'll stay with you at Coolibah for as long as you want
me to.”

They sat
without speaking soaking up the peaceful serenity. They were some distance away
from the other people, whose muted voices drifted over every now and again. The
cooing of pigeons intermingled with the buzzing of bees added to the
tranquility that wrapped itself around them like a gossamer shawl. This peace
would do more than any medicine to heal the broken bodies and tortured minds.

She turned
to glance at Blair, who had closed his eyes. In repose his face seemed softer,
the lines of pain and weariness almost smoothed away. His lashes, thick and
dark, practically rested on his cheekbones. Strange how she had never noticed
their length before. A red, puckering scar ran along his hairline where the
shrapnel had entered his head. Were the doctors frightened to remove it for
fear it might cause further damage?

He looked
much thinner than before. In a few months he had aged years. They were all old
now, these young men, grief, pain and horror had left them scarred. She saw it
in Blair's face and in the faces of the other young men who had returned. Would
time heal and blot out their suffering, or would they carry the scars for the
rest of their lives?

She made up
her mind then and there that no matter how long it took she would help Blair
recover. Outwardly, he remembered nothing of what had happened. His mind must
have blanked out the memory of the horror, but his body bore testament to the
trauma he had endured.

She sat
motionless, hardly daring to breathe in case he woke up. Sleep and rest would
make him strong once more. Was his leg stiff because of the wound, or did he
hold it that way to ease the pain? He would probably have a permanent limp, and
she hated herself for feeling glad that the army would not be able to send him
back to war. Hadn't she given them enough already? Danny was gone. Surely it
wasn’t too selfish to expect some happiness?

“I won't
let them take him again. I won't.” She did not realize this anguished vow
disturbed Blair until he spoke.

“What won't
you let them do?”

“I must
have been thinking out loud. I won't let them take you again.”

He gave a
puzzled frown.

“The army,
I mean.”

“A blind
man with a mangled leg? I wouldn’t be much use to the army now.” He laughed.
“You're an intense little soul, but you've no need to worry about me, my soldiering
days are well and truly over.”

“I'm glad.”
She stood up. “We should be getting back. Nurse will be furious.”

He
struggled to his feet. She clasped her hands to stop herself from reaching out
to help him, but instinct told her he had to learn to do things for himself.

“I'm
ready.” He took her arm and they started out across the lawns. She waved to
some of the other patients as they made their way with tortuous slowness,
towards the verandah. By the time they got to the steps, he was leaning so heavily
against her she was bowed like a sapling in the wind.

“Will we
rest for a moment?”

“No.”

She
flinched at his harshness.

“Sorry, I
didn't mean to snap. I feel hellish.”
 

He gave a
loud groan and then slipped to the ground in a dead faint. She screamed as his
head hit the edge of the verandah post with a bang. A nurse came running, but
blood was already pouring from a gash at the side of his forehead.

It had all
happened so fast she felt sick and shaken. Why had she let him persuade her to
go out on to the lawn? What kind of fool would let him stay out there so long?

Two
orderlies rushed up with a stretcher. As they carried Blair away, her legs
crumpled and she slumped onto the step herself, too emotionally drained to
move. It was here the nurse from the front desk found her.

“Don’t
blame yourself. He just overdid it.”

“Is he all
right?”

“You aren't
to worry. The doctor is examining him now.
 
Come down to the office for a cup of tea and a chat.”

“Thank
you.” Laurie gulped back her tears. “Will I be able to see him before I go?”

“Depends on
what the doctor says.”

By the time
they finished their tea she felt better but still responsible for what had
happened. The nurse disappeared, leaving her sitting there worrying about
Blair. After what seemed an eternity the doctor appeared.

“It will be
best if you leave now, Miss Cunningham, Captain Sinclair is sleeping.”

“Is he all
right?”

“Yes, I've
finished my examination. All the captain needs for the moment is rest.
 
You can see him tomorrow after lunch.”

“Thank you.”
Still feeling wretched, she left. They said he was resting, but was he? If I
could have seen him for myself, it would have eased my mind. She trudged along
the street. Guilt would weigh her down now until tomorrow. They had the hotel
telephone number, so if he took a turn for the worse, at least the nurses would
be able to contact her.

She passed
a neat row of terrace houses with pocket-sized front gardens, but paid scant
attention, being too distracted with all the problems buzzing around inside her
head.

Back in her
room she wrote a long letter to her father, telling him about Blair but
omitting the part where he collapsed. She had not been fair to her father
because her grief at losing Danny had blinded her to the fact that he suffered,
also.

By the time
she had finished the letter and freshened up, it was time for dinner. Strolling
down to the dining room, she chose a table on her own. There were too many
jumbled up emotions to sift through without being bothered by superfluous
conversation with strangers.

Most of the
patrons appeared to be married couples, but one elderly woman sat in a far
corner eating alone. Laurie remembered seeing this lady at the convalescent
home. Their gazes met and she smiled because they shared a bond.

After
dinner she sat in the private sitting room, reading a newspaper full of the war
in Europe. There was an article on the
evacuation of the ANZAC forces from the Gallipoli peninsula that particularly
interested her. All the troops had been successfully evacuated by the twentieth
of December, 1915, and the soldiers were now training in Egypt.

“Would you
mind if I shared your couch?” the elderly lady from the dining room asked. “I
saw you at the convalescent hospital today. Were you visiting your brother?”
She glanced at Laurie's ring less fingers.

“No,
Captain Sinclair, my fiancé.” It was becoming easier to think this way now.
“I'm Laurie Cunningham.”

“Pleased to
meet you. I'm Ruby Bates. I was visiting my son Harry. We'll be taking him home
in the next day or so, now he's mastered his artificial legs.”

“Legs!”
Laurie gasped. “You mean he lost both legs?” She recalled Harry as a
dark-haired boy who could not be more than nineteen.

“You’re
thinking he would be better off dead, aren't you?” Her voice held no anger,
just a resigned bitter sadness.

“Well I…”
Laurie spluttered.

“Most
people think that way. I only had three boys. Two of them got killed within a
week of landing on Gallipoli. Harry was wounded a few days later.”

Laurie
picked up the woman's work roughened hand and gently squeezed her fingers,
because she had no words of sympathy to offer.

“The
captain's blind?”

“Yes.”
Laurie explained about his injuries. Realizing the woman was lonely, she
chatted to her about various other things, trying to steer clear of the war.

* * *

That night
as Laurie lay in bed, turning over the day’s happenings in her mind.
 
How could a woman like Ruby Bates show so
much courage when she had suffered such terrible heartache?

If she can
do it, so can I. A vision of laughing brown eyes swam before her. I'll never
forget you, Danny, but I have to stop thinking of you all the time, otherwise
I'll go insane.

* * *

Next
morning Laurie shared breakfast with Ruby Bates, who was going over to the
hospital to find out when Harry would be discharged. To fill in time until the
afternoon, Laurie decided to catch a tram into Melbourne and have a look around.

The tram
seemed crowded, and once again she sat in the dummy, preferring this to the
closed-in carriage. Alighting in Melbourne,
she wandered around for a while, for the first time in ages taking notice of
the latest fashions. The streets were crowded with people, surprising really
when so many were away on their annual summer holidays.

Numerous
motorcars used the road now, and trying to cross from one side of the street to
the other was life-threatening. Fate found her outside the little teashop Danny
had taken her to all those months ago.

The place
had changed little.
 
Sitting at the same
table, the empty chair facing her became such a poignant reminder of her
previous visit here, tea and sandwiches were all she could manage. A sudden,
all-prevailing sadness engulfed her.

* * *

Laurie
arrived at the convalescent home at two o'clock to find Blair's bed empty. He
must be out on the verandah taking some fresh air. She pushed down on a feeling
of panic and scolded herself for being foolish.

She was
dashing towards the door when a nurse called out.

“I’ve been
waiting for you, Miss Cunningham.”

“Is the
captain all right?” Was that shaky, scared voice hers?

“Yes.”
Laurie slumped against the wall with relief.

“Is he
outside? He’s not in bed.”

“Come this
way. We've transferred him to another room.”

Her heart
dropped like a stone. He must be so ill they’d had to move him.

“He is all
right.” The nurse gave her arm a comforting pat. “Just needs to be kept quiet
for a day or so.”

They came
to a door leading into a small room. Heavy drapes drawn across the window kept
out the sun. “Well, here she is, Captain.”

Blair
limped towards her. “Laurie.” She ran the last few steps and he gathered her
into his arms.

“I thought
you had taken a turn for the worse.”