Let Me In (3 page)

We head back to the house, and it’s the first night that I’m going to spend living under the same roof with Rob. Even though we have separate rooms, I doubt we’ll sleep apart.

Opening the back door, I see that we’re alone in the house. Rob throws the food on the table and grabs me. “Let’s have round two,” he says, grabbing my ass and hoisting me on the counter. His lips and tongue frantically devour my body, while his hands fiddle with my pants. We had sex when he came back earlier this evening and I enjoyed it…then.

But now, all I can think of is Grant. I’m picturing his lips on my neck and his strong hands unzipping my pants. My hand grabs the back of Rob’s neck, and when I feel spiky gelled strands instead of soft staggered layers like earlier, I pull back.

“Let’s eat, we can always do this later.” I push him away and jump off the counter, quickly re-fastening my pants.

“Well, that’s a first. You want to eat instead of fuck,” he says, but it doesn’t seem to bother him too much.

“You’re right, I need to eat,” I say, trying to change the subject. If I don’t get these thoughts of Grant out of my head, there’s no way I can be with Rob. How did I get myself into this horrible situation?

“How was your family?” I ask him after we each take a seat at the table, unwrapping our sandwiches.

“Good…they missed you,” he says, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Mine were upset they didn’t get to meet you.” I’m wondering what kind of response I’ll get from him. As much as I tried to brush it off that he didn’t make the three-hour drive back to meet my parents, it upset me that he couldn’t or wouldn’t fit it into his schedule.

“I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, babe, but meeting the parents never goes very well for me, and I really don’t want to be grilled on why I like fucking you.” I abruptly pick up my head and drop my sandwich.

“Is that all I’m good for?” I ask him. He doesn’t even have the courtesy to look up at me. “Rob!” I yell.

“Of course not, stop being so dramatic. I know you’ve been through shit, but don’t lay that on me. It wasn’t me that did that to you.” He finally looks up and pops a fry in his mouth, completely unfazed by what he just said.

“Thank you,” I sarcastically say, standing up.

“For what?” he asks, twirling his tongue around his front teeth.

“For confirming that I was right when I didn’t FUCK you earlier on the counter.” I slam the chair into the table and walk out of the room.

“Jessa…Jesus. It’s always drama, drama, drama,” he shouts and I stomp up the stairs, slamming my door.

He’s been back for less than four hours and we’re already fighting. One thing I’m happy about is that I don’t have to come up with some excuse not to have sex with him tonight. I change into my black pajama pants with pink skulls and crossbones, along with a matching pink shirt. Crawling into bed, I pull the covers up to my neck. I curl into my pillow and wince as all my earrings poke the side of my head.

Rob just doesn’t understand what happened to me. He thinks I should be able to forget it by now and
has no tolerance for my insecurities, even though I’ve come a long way. But his impatience is starting to make me think that we aren’t going to be the ever after I once thought we were destined for.

As these thoughts tumble through my mind, Jason once again invades my head. I try to push him out but he’s always there. “You’re such a whore!!” he screamed. “Who do you think you are, some fucking sex goddess? You think that every guy wants you?” I fell to my knees and begged him to stop, but he stood over me, pointing his finger in my face and humiliating me in front of all our friends. And as if that wasn’t enough, he finished me off the next day.

I’ve been honest with Rob about my depression, and he seemed to care in the beginning, but lately he’s changed. If he isn’t fucking me, he’s practicing with the numerous bands he’s a member of. He no longer takes me out to dinners or movies. From Thanksgiving to now, our relationship has taken a one-eighty and I’m not sure what happened. The worst part is, I don’t know if it’s him pulling away or if it’s me. Briefly, I’ve wondered if he’s acting on something I’m putting out there. Can he sense my desire for Grant?

Ugh, Grant…I feel like an idiot for kissing him, even though he definitely didn’t push me away. If anything, he pulled me closer. His tongue was so gentle and soothing as it explored my mouth and I love that he didn’t rush it. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so wanted and desired by someone from only one kiss. When his fingertips grazed the exposed skin above my waistline, chills ran across my back, making me want more. All his passion and need consumed me, and I almost came completely unglued. When I was finally able to step back, his eyes gleamed with a look I’ve never seen before from any guy.

I tense when I hear Rob stomping up the stairs, but his footsteps continue down the hall. The water turns on and I know he’s going to take a shower. I remind myself that he’s a good guy and he does care about me. I slowly stand up and make my way to the door that connects the bathroom to both our rooms. Rob stands naked, ready to get into the shower. When he sees me, he offers me his hand and I take it. Apologizing in my ear, he slowly pushes my pajama pants and underwear down, and then draws my shirt up over my head. His lean, muscled, tattooed arms wrap around my waist, and I let him saturate my thoughts completely. Forcing Grant out of my head, I give myself fully to Rob. He’s the one I should be with since he accepts my past, and although Grant is a great guy, I don’t think he would be so understanding about it.

Rob says sweet things in my ear while he washes my body. When I get out, he wraps my body in a towel and leads me into his room. Laying me in his bed naked, he curls up behind me and kisses me on the shoulder, telling me goodnight. When my eyelids become heavy, I’m certain this is exactly where I should be. I just need to keep Grant at an arm’s length and my yearning for him will wane.

Grant

It’s been two weeks since New Year’s and I’ve kept my distance from Jessa. If she wants me, she knows where to find me. I’ve been working out like crazy at Barbells, even bench pressing with some of the guys to work off the frustration Jessa’s built inside of me.

There are two major problems with what happened that night. First, I did the one thing I’ve been promising myself
since high school I wouldn’t do…I kissed another guy’s girl. Second, I have no room in my life for someone right now. The last thing I want is Jessa getting the wrong idea. As much as I like her, she deserves better than me. Not to mention, I can’t afford any distractions this semester. I need to keep my eyes focused on finding the job that’ll get me the hell out of this town.

A double major is an excruciating feat, and my spring semester is jam-packed in order for me to complete my education in four years, as my father requested. Paying for my schooling is the one thing that asshole has done for me. As far as the fraternity fees, spending money, and anything else, I work for every last penny.

After I graduate, I intend to cut off what little communication I have with him for good. The whole four years of college has come down to me making it on my own, with no help from him. I’ve busted my ass to make sure I become the successful advertising executive that gets rewarded with a large bank account, never wanting for anything.

The snow still carpets the landscape of campus, the plowed sidewalks forming a serpentine maze from building to building. Bypassing the pockets of ice, I walk into my second home, McHenry Hall, for my Human Resources Management class. The last thing I want to learn about is how to handle people in a workplace. I’ll be damned sure not to have that as part of my job description when I accept my dream job. That’s why I have delayed this course until I could no longer avoid it.

Dreading the torturous class, I shuffle into the lecture hall and her unique smell of coconut and vanilla hits my nostrils. My eyes eagerly comb through the students, like a drug dog that has located his scent. I find her two rows up from where I’m standing with her back to me. Her slim legs are crossed under the desk and she scribbles on her notepad, ignoring everyone around her.

I slowly walk up, taking the seat behind her. Leaning over her shoulder, I say, “Hey, sweetheart. You want to come home with me tonight?”

“Fuck off ass…” Jessa stops talking when she sees it’s me and I laugh at her angry comeback. “God, Grant, I thought you were some asshole trying to hit on me.”

“I like the sound of that,” I joke.

“What?” she shakes her head, obviously still surprised it was me. “I almost hit you. Wait, you like the sound of what?” her words stumble and she questions me again.

“God, Grant. I’d love to hear you screaming that,” I admit, continuing to laugh.

“Shut up,” she responds, but I don’t miss the blush that fills her gorgeous high cheek bones.

“What are you doing in here? I thought you were an art history major?” I ask, standing up to take the seat next to her.

“Minor in business,” she says, turning her body to face mine. “So, will you be my tutor?” she asks, nudging me in the arm.

“How will you pay me?” I give her a light-hearted smile.

“Hmm…let me see,” she contemplates, while placing her finger to her pink moist lips. After tasting those two weeks ago, I’ve relived every moment of that kiss and the feeling of those lips on mine.

“If you need help, I can think of something,” I jokingly whisper, leaning in closer to her, but she backs away quickly. The pit in my stomach just got bigger, realizing she regrets the kiss.

“It’s a good thing I don’t need a tutor then,” she says, abruptly backing further away, straightening in her seat, and studiously facing forward. I can’t help but feel as though I made her uncomfortable.

“Yeah, good thing,” I mumble, turning my body to the front of the room. If she wants to ignore what happened, I’ll happily oblige. As much as I want to feel her small body under mine, I don’t need this drama in my life.

Professor Lincoln walks down the steps to the podium and starts the class, while the teacher’s assistant passes out the syllabi. My fingers graze Jessa’s when she passes them down to me, leaving a flutter in my stomach. The two of us remain quiet, paying attention to Dr. Lincoln talk about the class objectives and expectations. I keep my head down, trying to ignore the awkwardness between us. I push aside the urge to grab her and feel that cold stud ring against my tongue.

Dr. Lincoln excuses the class after only twenty minutes, stating that we need to read chapters one through five regarding the practices of hiring and firing employees. It astonishes me that there are five chapters regarding that subject matter. Isn’t it just an interview, and you either get the job or not? As far as the firing goes, if someone does a shitty job, then you fire them. What
is so complicated about that? Just another reason why I never wanted to take this class. But I am glad for the distraction of the blonde rocker girl that is now walking away from me.

“Wait up, Jessa,” I shout, scrambling to get my notebook in my bag so I can join her.

She stops at the next stair and moves to the side to let a couple other students make their way up the stairs. The look on her face frightens me. It’s a cross between embarrassment and anger, neither of which I want to see. Zipping up my backpack, I reach her and we both walk up the stairs together.

“Do you have another class?” I ask, placing a hand on her arm to stop her outside of the room. There goes that shock of electricity through my fingertips again.

“No, but…” she hesitates. In the short time I’ve known her, she’s never been so timid and indecisive.

“But what?”

“I’m meeting Rob in an hour at Zen’s Tattoo,” she quietly answers, almost embarrassed.

“Come have some coffee with me, my treat,” I request, motioning with my head toward the doors.

“Grant, I need to tell you something,” she says and I can tell that whatever it is, she really doesn’t want to tell me.

I place my hand on the small of her back. “Let’s just get coffee and we’ll talk about it then, okay?” I suggest, nudging her toward the doors.

We arrive to find that the Student Center is packed. With winter in full force, everyone has no other option than to congregate inside. I motion for Jessa to grab us the one small table I see open, and I go get our coffees. During the week we helped Sadie decorate, I found out that Jessa likes her coffee strong and black. After ordering us two Americanos, I make my way over to her. She’s looking down at her phone, completely distracted. I end up startling her when I approach and the way her body stiffens defensively, it scares me to think what she’s hiding from her past.

“Thank you,” she says, graciously taking the drink from my hands.

“You’re welcome.” I take my seat across from her and watch while she fidgets with the coffee sleeve.

“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, Grant. That wasn’t my intention,” she divulges, staring up at me. I never noticed until now the way her hazel eyes resemble the color of the moon as it casts down on the ocean right after sunset. Suddenly, I want to take her to the beach to compare the two sights.

“You lost me, Jessa,” I say, even though I know exactly what she’s talking about. I want to hear her say it. If she’s going to tell me she regrets the kiss that could have easily brought me to my knees in that kitchen, she has to tell me.

“The kiss…on New Year’s. I shouldn’t have done that. It put you on the spot and I’m with Rob and…,” she starts rambling and I don’t want to hear anymore.

“Do you think I didn’t want it?” I ask her. Doesn’t she realize that I probably wanted it even more than she did?

“I didn’t really give you a choice, and it was wrong of me to put you in that situation.” I hate this Jessa. She’s insecure and unsure of her actions. I prefer the take charge, accept no bull-shit Jessa.

“I don’t do anything I don’t want to,” I assure her, taking a sip of my coffee.

“I’m with Rob,” she says again, bringing the cup to her lips, effectively hiding her expression from me.

“So you keep saying. Are you staying with him?” I ask. Deep down I don’t want to know the answer because, even if she doesn’t stay with him, I’m not sure I can be her knight. That’s the last thing I can be for anyone.

“We’ve been together for a couple months. I’m not ready to end it, even if…”

“You want me?” I say, finishing her sentence for her.

“Aren’t you sure of yourself?” she jokes, and I’ve never loved the sound of her laugh more.

“Well, look at me and then Rob. I don’t see what the dilemma is,” I laugh, making sure she knows I’m not that full of myself. Not to mention, if I don’t bring humor into this situation, I might actually hear the punch she just delivered to my gut.

“In all seriousness, Jessa, it’s fine. If you want to be with Rob, no hard feelings. But if you ever change your mind, and decide you want a man who’ll treat you like you deserve, you know where to find me. I’m warning you though, there are two things I won’t do. I refuse to take
another guy’s girl behind his back and secondly, I won’t wait around like a schmuck for someone to pick me either. The choice is yours.”

I stand up and walk away without looking back. There’s no way I can bear seeing if my words upset her or worse, if she’s relieved. I’d rather remain in the dark.

Jessa

He still has that confident demeanor as he walks away from me. Waving to a couple guys and girls seated at a table by the doors, he doesn’t stop to talk nor does he look back at me. Instead, he continues out the doors as though what I just told him didn’t faze him. One of the girls glances back my way and I wonder if she wants him, or worse, has already had him.

Based on what he said, I can’t decipher if he wants me for sex or a relationship. The swell of my heart is slowly overpowering the confusion in my brain. He’s all I can think of, and now every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I’ll have to sit next to him, smelling the crisp scent of his soap.

I stand up to make my way out of the Student Center when I see a familiar face at the table Grant passed by moments ago. She looks my way as I walk by and I give her a small wave. The tight smile across her lips is proof that she dislikes me, most likely due to my friendship with Grant.

Pushing the doors open, the cold air hits my face and I zip my jacket up a little more, attempting to shield the wind. I put on my gloves and peek at my watch, seeing that I only have fifteen minutes to get over to Zen’s. Making my way to the bus stop, I can’t help but feel someone in back of me. I stop and turn around, finding Emily two steps behind me with some other girl.

Grant should go out with her. She’s hot, with her long legs and tiny waist. And unlike me, she’s just his type too. “Emily,” I acknowledge her and she stops right in front of me. Her impractical heels make her tower over me by a good six inches. The fact that she wears heels to her classes tells me we’re nothing alike.

“Jessa.” Her brisk tone reveals that this isn’t going to be a pleasant conversation. I glance at my watch and then back to her, hoping she gets the point that I have somewhere to be.

“What’s up, Emily?” I ask in my friendliest tone.

“I thought you were with Rob,” she says bitterly.

“I am,” I inform her with a nod.

“Then how come I’m always finding you with Grant?” she asks and her friend shifts her stance, glaring at me as well. Why do I feel like this is high school and I just stole the head cheerleader’s boyfriend?

“Um…we’re friends.” I’m not lying, just not stating the whole truth.

“Yeah, right. You don’t think he would actually be interested in you, do you?” she sneers and I’m taken aback. The hurt and pain caused by Jason tears through me before I realize, I could give a shit about this chick or what she thinks of me.

“Actually, Barbie, he is interested in me. Very interested, actually. See that little exchange between us in the Student Center was him asking me to break it off with my boyfriend.” I raise my eyebrows up to her, and her friend tries to conceal the giggle escaping her mouth.

Emily looks at her friend in annoyance, and the girl quiets instantly. Turning her attention back to me. “He just wants you because you’re an easy fuck,” she spouts and walks away with her heels clicking on the cement sidewalk, while her friend frantically tries to catch up.

I continue walking to the bus stop and sit on the bench in the alcove, which shields me from the wind. Fuck Emily. Who the hell does she think she is? As much as I try to not care what she says, it rings too close to home, taking me back to my time at Boulder when girls like that thought the same thing. The fact that I was actually friends with girls similar to Emily makes me shudder with regret. Girls like that don’t have true friends, they have followers. People who kiss their ass and think that hanging out with them makes them something. I should know. I had my own group of followers at one time, but I learned the hard way that as soon as you drop down from that tower, they desert you. As though that’s not already enough, they are also quick to alienate you from others.

That’s why when I first saw Sadie, I almost ran down to my RA to ask for a room switch. But then I saw her eyes, and I knew she was as damaged as me. We were able to become best friends in such a short time because it turns out that two fucked-up people can bond over the smallest things.