Life of the Party (34 page)

“Whatever.” I
slammed the door before she could continue. I couldn’t stand to
hear another word. Frantically I searched through my purse for my
cigarettes, but my hands were shaking so badly that it proved
impossible. Frustrated, I dumped the bag upside down and let its
contents fall onto the withered grass clumped in our front
yard.

The headlights
from mom’s car fell on the pack when she backed up and pulled out.
I picked them up and lit a smoke as her taillights bumped down the
road before disappearing from sight. I couldn’t believe her. I
couldn’t believe them.

I toyed with
the idea of backing out of the bridesmaid thing altogether, but
somehow I knew I couldn’t do it. I knew that sometime, maybe years
from now, I’d regret missing out on my only sisters wedding. At the
moment though, I was just mad enough that even the thought of
standing Marcy up made me feel better.

I clawed
through the grass until I found my cocaine, and sitting in the
shadows of my front yard, brought the scoop to my nose, time and
time again. In the cocaine-haze, mom and Marcy didn’t exist, the
wedding didn’t exist, and being second didn’t exist. It was like a
fog of bliss, enveloping me, cutting me off from the rest of the
total BS. I lit a smoke off my first one and gave into the
superman-like qualities of the drugs.

With them, I
could do anything, I could get through anything, survive anything.
They were like my hero, my refuge. My saviour. I don’t know what I
would’ve done without them.

The urge to cry
had been strong, so strong that my throat ached with the effort,
but the cocaine swept it away, replacing it with the numbing, happy
trembles that I had so grown to love. I let out a shaky sigh of
relief and pure pleasure, and found that I was good again.

After gathering
most of my things from the grass, I headed slowly up the creaky old
stairs. I knew that seeing my friends would make me feel even
better, knew their exuberance would be contagious. Alex and Grey
and Charlie and Zack were gathered around the counter playing a
loud, rowdy game of quarters as I opened the door.

“Hey, baby!”
Charlie greeted me. “How was your day?”

“Oh, you have
no idea.” I managed a smile for her and set down my things. There
was dead grass all over my jeans, I wiped at it absently. “Marcy’s
got me wearing a tutu. Like, an actual tutu.”

“When,
tonight?” Grey looked up hopefully. His blue eyes smiled at me. I
grinned back; my first actual sincere smile of the day was for him.
Just his voice buoyed me.

“No.” I
laughed. “For her wedding, three weeks from Saturday. Remember?
You’re coming with me.”

“Oh, yeah.
Right ….” Grey looked sheepish. He cleared his throat as a sudden
silence descended over the room. Zack and Alex avoided my gaze.

“What’s going
on?” I wondered. “Can you not come?”

“Well … our
recording schedule just came in. We fly out this Sunday for the
studio.”

“This Sunday?
Like, four days from now?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow,” I was
incredulous. “That’s exciting.” It took me a minute to process, for
this new information to register in my already exhausted frame of
mind. I smiled at him again, but this time it was forced. Really,
could this day get any worse? I mean, it was awesome that the guys
were going to record their music. They had worked so hard, they
were so talented, and they totally deserved it. Still, I was
selfish enough to wish it wasn’t happening at all. I didn’t want
Grey to leave me.

“How long will
you be gone for?”

“I don’t know.
A few weeks probably, maybe a month. However long it takes to make
the record.” He shrugged.

“Really? A
month?” My stomach sank at the thought. I was happy for him, I
really was, but I couldn’t help feeling deflated. That interminable
amount of time stretched out in my mind, seeming like forever,
feeling that way already. He was going to be gone for the rest of
the summer. I was going to be alone for the rest of the summer.

“Hey, I’ll be
your date for the wedding.” Charlie promised in an effort to
lighten the mood. “I’ve even got a matching tutu I could wear.”

“You do?” Zack
grinned at her.

“Thanks
Charlie.” My voice was quiet, subdued, ignored over the sudden
deafening cheers as Zack flipped his quarter expertly into the cup.
It was Grey’s turn to drink then. They carried on with their game,
laughing and cheering, completely oblivious to me and my utter
disappointment. I stood by a moment, vexed, my arms crossed
impatiently as I watched and waited for something else—more of an
explanation or maybe even an apology, but none came. It didn’t help
that everyone was half-cut while I felt completely sober; the
cocaine seemed to have already worn off, which made me even angrier
as I listened to their stupid, happy jabber. Finally, in
frustration, I headed down the hallway to my room and shut the door
behind me.

I flopped down
on my bed, grumbling as I dug through the dead grass scattered
inside my purse until I found the vial again. Eagerly I snorted
back the blow, doing more and more, trying to drown out the happy
laughter from the kitchen with the dim buzzing in my head. Finally
spent, I lay back and stared up at the ceiling, nearly overwhelmed
by the sheer volume of cocaine shooting through my veins. My hands
were trembling.

I looked around
my room, my eyes darting rapidly as I tried to catch my breath. It
was a fairly tiny space, holding just my bed and my dresser. The
walls were totally bare. It was already as messy as my room had
been at home, and now I had to do my own laundry. Once in a while
Charlie and I would load up her car with garbage bags of our
clothes and do them all in one day at the local Laundromat, but for
the most part they just lay wherever I threw them off at night
until I was desperate for some clean ones.

I grabbed my
stash of cigarettes from the nightstand and lit one. Even though I
was super high now, I felt no urge to join my friends. I preferred
to sit alone and feel sorry for myself, alert enough to think
rationally about how much life sucked at the moment, but high
enough now that it didn’t really bother me. Even without feeling, I
knew how badly I was going to miss Grey, how I couldn’t imagine my
life without him in it, even for a day. And he’d been so casual
about it, so aloof—like it didn’t even matter that we’d be spending
a month of more apart, like it was no big deal.

There came a
sudden knock on my door. I looked towards the noise, but didn’t
answer until the knocking came again.

“Mackenzie?” It
was Grey.

“Yeah?”

The door opened
to reveal him, and most of my anger melted away at just the sight.
He would always have that affect on me, it really wasn’t fair.
Dressed in his dark jeans and a red Volcom t-shirt, his dark hair
was hidden behind a well worn hat, his perfect lips curved into a
cautious smile, his gorgeous blue eyes—though a bit bleary—looked
at me hopefully.

“Can I come
in?”

“Sure.” I was
twitching as I looked back up at the roof. The bed sunk as Grey lay
down next to me; his weight caused the springs to groan. I smelt
his delicious cologne and tried to breathe it in as deeply as I
could while remaining as stiff beside him as possible.

“Your room’s a
mess.” He noticed with a chuckle. “What are you doing in here?
Aren’t you going to come and join us?”

“No.” I shook
my head, my teeth grinding.

“Why not?”

I rubbed at my
nose with a shaky hand, avoiding his gaze.

“You’re mad
about the recording thing, aren’t you? ‘ Cause I’ll be missing the
wedding?” He asked.

“No.” I managed
to answer.

“Yes you
are.”

“No, I’m not.”
My heart was pounding in my chest and my skin shone with the cool
sheen of sweat. Heat was pouring off of me. I sat up and looked at
Grey. “I’m not mad, really,” I panted, “I’m happy for you. I mean …
I’m going to miss … I’m going to miss ….”

“Hey, Mackenzie
… are you okay?” He sat up and looked at me, his face concerned,
his eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t look so good.”

“What … yeah, I
just ….” I pressed a hand to my chest. It felt like someone was
sitting on it, or pushing against it or something, like I couldn’t
breathe. I wiped a hand over my damp face and got up off the bed,
but the change made me feel dizzy and I staggered back against it.
I fanned myself with my hand. “I just … I gotta ….” What did I have
to do? Wasn’t there something I had to do?

“Mackenzie,”
Grey was suddenly before me. When did he get there? He was waving
his hand before my face as if trying to get my attention. I felt
the sudden urge to run, like I had to get away from the mounting
panic balling in my stomach. My hands were tingling like they had
fallen asleep. I stared blankly in front of me, trying to think,
trying to get my mind right. There was something I had to do. Run.
I wanted to run.

“Mackenzie!”
Grey’s face was close to mine—too close, he was stealing my breath.
I couldn’t breathe. His hands were on my arms, burning me, searing
my skin. “Mackenzie, look at me!” He implored.

Then everything
went blurry, like water poured on a painting, and there was a flash
of white, blinding light that engulfed my entire being. I knew
nothing more.

“Mackenzie,
Mackenzie, shit, wake up. Wake up!” Grey’s voice was the first
thing that registered in my mind. It sounded hoarse, like he had
been screaming, like he was frantic with worry. I turned my head
towards the sound, struggling to open my heavy eyelids. My throat
was dry and sore as I swallowed sluggishly. My head was
pounding.

“Grey?” I
choked out, my voice cracking. I felt terrible, like every single
cell in my body was sick, but at least I could breathe now. I
inhaled deeply, which made me cough, and my entire body radiated
with pain from the action. I opened my eyes.

Grey was
leaning over me, his blue eyes looking me over, a mixture of worry
and relief playing on his face. He let out a breath and dropped his
head into his hands.

“Holy shit,
Mackenzie. Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

“What
happened?” I wondered slowly. I couldn’t really remember anything
past the overwhelming flash of white.

“You had a
seizure.” Grey shook his head at me in disbelief. “How much
friggin’ coke did you do today?”

“I don’t know
….” I swallowed thickly, trying to remember. “A bit.”

“A bit.” He
repeated, his face grim. “You mean enough to make you O.D.
Right?”

I didn’t know
what to say to that. I bit my lip and shut my eyes instead. My head
was pounding fiercely. “My head hurts,” I complained, trying to
change the subject.

“Your whole
body’s going to hurt. You were thrashing into everything.” Grey
shook his head again, as if he were reliving the moment but trying
to rid himself of the memory. “I couldn’t stop you. I tried
everything.”

“Really?” I
tried to imagine it. I couldn’t believe what had happened, I felt
so normal now, I just couldn’t picture myself convulsing there on
the floor like a fish flapping around out of water. The throbbing
in my head and my arms and my legs proved it really happened
though, that I’d really had a seizure, one that must have been
terrifying to witness. I looked up at Grey and his face was hard,
almost like the worry made him angry. His eyes didn’t leave me for
a second.

I gave him a
shaky smile. “I’m sorry, Grey. I’m okay now, though. I mean, I feel
okay, at least. Wow. Has this … ever happened to you before?”

“Yeah, once.”
He admitted. “We’d been doing coke all day before a show. I just
blacked out, and woke up with this huge gash across my chin.
Everyone was amazed that I was still alive. I wound up getting
stitches and had to do the show with this huge bandage.”

“But you were
okay after?”

“Yeah.” Grey
remembered. “I mean, I did end up going to the hospital, but it was
more for the cut than the coke.”

“Why does it
happen?”

“It’s like any
overdose. Your body just shuts down, it can’t handle it.”

“Crazy.”

“Yeah. Coke
leaves your system pretty quickly though, so it doesn’t take long
to recover. Thankfully.” Grey let out a shaky sigh. “Fuck, you
scared me.”

“I’m sorry,
Grey.” Weakly I sat up, wedged on the floor between the bed and the
dresser. My arms trembled, barely able to support me.

“Here,” Grey
stood up and grasped me under the arms with his strong hands,
lifting me up from the floor with ease. He set me down gently on
the bed. I felt weak and achy and my limbs were quivering. I hugged
him for a minute before he let me go, breathing in his scent,
loving the feel of his warm arms around me. I was surprised to find
that I wasn’t even scared—though really, I could’ve died; who knows
what would’ve happened if Grey hadn’t been there. But Grey
was
there, and I knew everything would be all right. I knew
he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I felt totally safe with
him, all the time.

“Mackenzie.” He
pulled away from me, his dark face serious. “You’ve got to be more
careful.”

“I know,” I
realized. It had all happened so easily, too easily, I couldn’t
even believe it. “I will, I’m sorry. I just … I had such a horrible
day; I didn’t even think about how much I was doing. I just kept
going, to try and make it better. You know?”

“Yeah, but you
gotta take it easy. You can’t go so hard all the time. You could’ve
really hurt yourself. If I hadn’t been here ….” He cringed at the
thought. “I don’t know. Maybe we should take you to the
hospital.”

“No, no, no.” I
shook my head. “I’m fine, I promise.” I was achy and kind of
nauseous, but I didn’t feel like I was dying anymore. I still felt
a bit buzzed actually, dizzy from all the coke. “I’ll be fine. I
won’t do anymore for a while, okay?”