Lola Rose (19 page)

The letter came from the hospital. It was the first letter we'd had at our new address.

Mum tore open the envelope, her hands shaking so badly she tore the letter too. She held a half in either hand helplessly.

‘Oh God, this is it, kids,' she said. ‘I'm going in on Thursday.
This
Thursday. They don't give you much notice. Still, my Mr Key said he'd slot me in as soon as possible.' Mum smiled as if Mr Key was keen to make a date with her.

‘I don't want you to go into hospital, Mum,' said Kendall. ‘Not Thursday. You take me swimming on Thursdays. You can't go.'

‘I have to go, little mate,' said Mum.

But she didn't seem so sure on Wednesday night. She started drinking. I got scared she'd make herself sick again.

‘You can't get drunk, Mum, not when you're going into hospital tomorrow,' I said, trying to sneak the bottle away.

‘You put that right back, Lola Rose. In fact you can pour me another glass.'

‘But Mum—' I poured her the tiniest measure. Then I deliberately dropped the bottle.

It made a horrible mess on the carpet. I cut my fingers trying to clear it up. Mum slapped me hard for being so clumsy. I cried. Then Mum cried too. We had a long, mournful cuddle. I carried Kendall into Mum's bed and we all huddled up together. I don't think Mum slept. She was wide awake whenever I woke up.

I kept having nightmares. George's chlorine smell made me dream we were all in the water, clinging to each other as we sank down and down where the sharks were waiting.

We got up very early. Mum had bought us croissants and Danish pastries as a treat for breakfast. She didn't eat a bite herself. Kendall picked out all the currants, licked the icing, but only ate a mouthful himself. I ate my way through three pastries, even though they'd gone a bit stale overnight. No matter how much I ate I couldn't stop the huge, empty feeling inside me.

Mum wouldn't let us say goodbye properly. ‘We won't make a thing of it or we'll all start howling. Go on, kids, off to school. I've got a treat in the fridge for you for tea. You be a good boy for Lola Rose, Kendall, and go to bed when she says. I'll be home as soon as I can make it. Don't come to the hospital just in case anyone asks why you're on your own. Go on then. Scram. Don't look so scared. I'll be fine. I promise you. I'm Lady Luck.'

I took Kendall to school – but then I came scurrying back home. Mum came rushing to the door at the sound of my key. Her face was pink with hope. I think she thought I was Jake.

‘Lola Rose!'

‘I'll help you pack your bag for the hospital and see you off properly.'

Mum sighed but she didn't have the energy to send me back to school. She got her case out. ‘God, wasn't it weird, throwing all our things together that night your dad went for you,' she said. ‘I wonder what he's doing now?'

‘He'll be getting drunk. Singing. Chatting up girls. Fighting.' I opened Mum's chest of drawers, looking through her stuff.

‘You don't think I should tell him, just in case . . .' Mum stopped.

I stopped too. ‘No.'

‘But he
is
your dad. He does love you, darling. And there's Kendall, he was always so gentle with him.'

I held up her best black nightie. ‘You can't wear this, Mum. It's see-through,' I said.

‘No it isn't,' said Mum. ‘Well.' She put her hand up inside the filmy nylon. ‘I suppose it is a bit. Still, maybe I'll give Mr Key one last sneaky peep at a perfect pair of boobs before he goes digging for lumps.'

‘Shut up, Mum,' I said.

‘It might look weird with bandages underneath though,' said Mum mournfully. ‘Oh Gawd, maybe I'd better buy a new nightie on the way.' She looked in her purse. ‘Maybe not. I'm going to have to get my act together work-wise the minute I get out of hospital. I should have done something about it sooner, but I just wanted to be with you kids.'

‘That's what we wanted too, Mum. Look, what about
my
nightie? It's clean – well, I've only worn it a couple of times. It would fit you easy-peasy.'

It was a white T-shirt with a teddy bear on the front. Mum looked at it and then folded it into her case. ‘OK, I'll take it. I'll look a bit daft but I'll be decent. It'll be like I'm cuddled up with you, Lola Rose. I'll like that.' Mum looked at me. ‘You will be all right, won't you, lovie? Look, I'll leave you my mobile just in case of emergencies. Don't you run up a big bill though, there's a good girl. You won't mind being by yourselves tonight, will you?'

‘Of course not,' I said quickly.

‘It's not as if you're really alone in the house,' Mum said. ‘I mean, there's Miss Parker downstairs and the two boys up above.'

‘Yes, Mum,' I said. We both knew poor smelly Miss Parker couldn't look after herself, let alone anyone else, and Mum and Steve and Andy weren't on speaking terms any more. (Mum thought Steve was being overly friendly to Jake and told him to stop making eyes at her boyfriend. She said some other stuff too. Steve and Andy were mortally offended.)

Mum started biting the skin round her thumb. I gently took it out of her mouth.

‘Quit that, Mum. We'll be fine.'

‘You could always try to get hold of Jake. Though his mobile's switched off at the moment, the little whatsit.'

‘Don't try to phone him, Mum. We don't need him. We don't need anyone.'

‘You're such a good, grown-up girl, Lola Rose,' said Mum.

I tried hard to feel grown up. I made Mum a cup of tea and sat her down with a stale croissant while I packed her washing things and her hairbrush and her make-up. I slipped in a card at the bottom of her case. I'd made it for her.

I'd cut out a sad-looking baby bunny and stuck it in the middle, with little bits of tissue stuck on its ears and paws to look like bandages. I'd wondered about a bandage across its chest but decided that would be too literal. I surrounded him with flowers and butterflies and birds and wrote ‘Get Well Soon, Mum – With Lots of Love from Lola Rose and Kendall' in my best handwriting. Kendall had added lots of kisses. He didn't do them carefully enough. The kisses were all different sizes and spoilt the symmetry of the design but I hoped Mum wouldn't mind.

I gave her my own kisses at the bus stop. I got a bit carried away.

‘That's enough! You'll wipe all my powder off,' said Mum. She looked at my watch. ‘Oh to hell with this. I'll go up the high street and get a minicab.'

‘But it's miles to the hospital, Mum.'

‘Look, I'm an invalid! Why should I have to bum around on buses?' said Mum.

So I went with her to the minicab firm. I kissed her again and gave her one last hug – and another and another – and then she got in the car and they drove off. I waved long after the minicab had gone down the street and round the corner, out of sight.

Then I stood there.

I kept seeing Mum waving back from inside the car, sending herself up, doing one of those slow, spread-fingered, fancy waves like royalty as she mouthed goodbye.

The terrible Voice of Doom spoke inside my head.
What if this really is goodbye? What if this is the last time you ever see your mum?

I ran like mad to get out of earshot. I went into the HMV shop in the arcade, ramming on the headphones, turning the volume right up. My head started throbbing. It was only eleven o'clock but I decided to go and get some lunch. Mum had given me ten pounds, which seemed heaps. I had a burger and French fries and a large Coke. I crammed it down quickly and felt just as empty when I'd finished. It seemed too mean to Kendall to spend much more on myself. So I sat where I was, watching a mum with two little kids across the way from me. The kids were just picking at their food. The moment they were wheeled off in their double buggy I whizzed over to their table. They'd left half a burger, heaps of French fries and most of a McFlurry ice cream. I stuffed them down so quickly I felt sick – even though I
still
felt empty.

I mooched round the shops for a while, nibbling at a bar of Cadbury's. I meant to save half of it for Kendall but I couldn't quite manage it. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want to go back home in case it would feel too weird without Mum, even though I was used to her being out a lot. So like some sad little wimp I scuttled back to school. At least I got another lunch. I told the teacher I'd had a tummy upset but I was better now.

‘Were you really sick?' Harpreet whispered.

She was trying to make friends with me again. I wanted to be her friend – but I was still mad at her.

‘Yeah, I was sick because I was drunk like my mum,' I whispered back. ‘We split a whole bottle of vodka.'

Harpreet's mouth opened in a big 0. ‘You never!'

‘Of course I never,' I said. ‘You're so thick sometimes, Harpreet. You'll believe anything.' Then I relented. ‘No, you're not thick. You're thin as a pin. I'm the one who's thick, look.' I punched my big tummy. ‘Yuck, I'm getting so fat, look!'

Harpreet giggled. ‘Maybe
you're
pregnant,' she said.

We both laughed. It was OK now. We were friends again.

I told her my mum had gone into hospital.

‘You poor thing, you must be so worried.'

‘Yeah. Well. Obviously.'

‘She'll be all right,' said Harpreet, patting my hand. ‘So who's looking after you and Kendall if Jake's done a runner?'

‘He hasn't. My mum got rid of him, I
said
.'

‘Well. Whatever,' Harpreet said. ‘So, who's coming? A granny? An auntie?'

I knew I shouldn't say but I couldn't help wanting to show off. ‘No one's looking after us,' I said airily.

Harpreet boggled at me in a satisfying manner. ‘You can't manage by yourselves!'

‘Sure we can. It's only overnight.'

‘My mum would never let me stay by myself. She wouldn't even let my
sister
stay home by herself last holidays and she was eighteen.'

‘Don't tell your mum,' I said hurriedly, scared there might be trouble.

‘I won't.'

‘Promise?'

‘Yeah, I swear,' said Harpreet, gesturing sealing her lips and cutting her throat. Her forehead wrinkled as she thought it all out. ‘Who will cook your tea?' she said.

‘
I
will. I often cook.'

It all depends what you mean by ‘cook'. I could open a tin and make toast. That was kind of cooking. I knew Harpreet was thinking of the complicated curries she had at home.

‘You're so cool, Lola Rose,' she said. ‘It's like you're an adult already.'

She made me
feel
cool.

But then I had to go home and face the empty empty empty flat.

‘I want Mum,' said Kendall, sitting down in the middle of the floor, burying his nose in George's matted fur.

‘Yes, but you know Mum's in hospital. It's OK, you've still got me.'

‘I don't want you, I want
Mum,'
said Kendall, screwing up his face.

‘Shut up. And don't you dare cry! I'm fed up with you being such a grizzleguts. Now listen,
if
you're good I'll make you some tea. But if you're going to blub I'll think you're just a little baby and put a nappy on you and put you to bed.'

Kendall scowled at me. ‘I don't like you.'

‘I don't like you either,' I said. ‘I wish I had a different brother.
Harpreet's
brother, he'd be great. But I'm stuck with you, Kendal mint cake, so I'll just have to get on with it. OK, let's check out the fridge.'

There were two cardboard boxes. One was a big pizza with a smiley face squiggled on the top in tomato sauce. The other was a vast chocolate cake with two layers of butter cream. Mum had pressed pink and purple Smarties on the frosted chocolate icing, spelling out
YUM YUM
.

I looked at the pizza. I looked at the chocolate cake.

I was the one who burst into tears.

Kendall watched me warily. ‘Don't you like pizza and chocolate cake?'

‘I love them,' I said, blowing my nose on the kitchen towel.

‘Why are you crying then?'

‘Because Mum's tried so hard. And I want her too. So that makes
me
Mrs Grizzleguts, right? You can call me that as much as you like.'

‘Grizzleguts!' said Kendall.

I let him go on saying it until he was sick of it. It seemed like hours. But then everything seemed to last hours.

I heated the pizza and we ate half of it, and a big slice of chocolate cake each. I read
Thomas the Tank Engine
and drew Kendall a train picture, rubbing out again and again until I got all the wheels in a straight line. Then he coloured it in (ruining it). We ate some cold pizza and had another slice of chocolate cake. And another. Well, I did. Kendall just ate the Smarties.