Losing Me, Finding You (24 page)

The writing that's scrawled across it is long and loopy and drawn out, kind of like that Southern drawl Austin gave me yesterday, put on paper. I smile.

Got some work to take care of, sugar. Your new cell's on the dresser. It's got all of Triple M's members in the contacts. See ya at sunset. Austin.

I peel the note off and rub the paper between my thumb and forefinger before turning around and setting it down next to a small wad of cash and a cell phone. My very first cell phone to be exact. Twenty-one years old, born in the height of the digital age and I'm only now losing my mobile device virginity. I wonder what Christy would say if she knew. I stare at the screen for a moment and know exactly what it is that I need to do.

I dial her number by heart and wait naked in Austin's hotel room, heart pounding, feeling like a different person inside than the one I was a few days ago.

“Hello?” Christy answers on a whimper. I can hear the tears in her voice with just that one word, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

“Christy, it's me.”

Silence.

“Christy?”

“What do you want, Amy?” I take a deep breath and try to understand where she's coming from. I didn't tell her the truth, and I left, just disappeared. I left her behind and I deserve whatever it is that she wants to throw at me. I try to perk up my voice, to pretend that things are normal even though it's pretty obvious to both of us that they're not.

“I just wanted to tell you that I was safe. I'm in a city called St. Marlin's and it – ”

“I don't care, Amy,” she says, sniffling. “I really don't.” She pauses and the silence stretches heavy between us. “Amy, I … ” Another pause. “Amy, I'm … ” Christy stops talking. “I've got to go. Bye.” And then she hangs up on me, leaving me even more confused than I already was. Something's going on with her, and I'm not there to figure it out, to give her a shoulder to cry on. I tear up suddenly and have to blink back the wetness before it overwhelms me. I've been gone less than forty-eight hours and already, I miss her like crazy. As Sali Bend would say,
Men come and go, but best friends are irreplaceable.

With a sigh, I set the phone down, grab a pair of clean jeans and a white T-shirt and hit the shower. By the time I get out, I'm
starving,
so I throw my new jacket on my shoulders and my best boots on my feet. When I step into the hallway, I run straight into Gaine. He looks like he's having about as nice a day as I am.

“Amy,” he says, smiling with thin lips. His forehead looks tight and the bruises on his face are a sickly green color that make him look an awful lot like a zombie. “Off to lose yourself?” I blink at him.

“Pardon?” Gaine laughs and tilts his head to the side.

“You look like you need to lose yourself, am I right?” I smile back at him.

“Maybe you're speaking from your own needs, Mr. Kelley? Would
you
like to lose yourself?” He laughs at me and shakes his head, running a hand through his dark hair.

“I think you're right Miss Cross. I'm projecting all over you, just don't tell Austin.”

“As long as you promise to finish the story about the badger,” I tell him as he hooks his arm through mine. I'm glad I ran into Gaine. I like him, and he seems like a trustworthy sort of man. I suppose that it's better to hang out with him than by myself. I wonder what Austin will think. He didn't seem too thrilled about seeing us together the night before last. I wonder why.

“Nah, that story's so tired,” Gaine says as he leads me down the hallway and into the elevator. “Let's talk about something else. You, for example. Why the long face?”

“Tell me about yours and I'll tell you about mine,” I say and he snorts, rubbing at the broken heart tattoo on his shoulder absently, like it's a habit he's developed over time, a way to think more clearly. Mama has a habit like that. She likes to twirl her charm bracelet around her wrist when she needs time to gather her thoughts. I think about her for a moment and realize that I don't miss her. Not yet. I can only assume that I will later, but I know that it'll be nothing like the pain I'll feel if Christy refuses to talk to me again.

“Tou-fucking-ché,” Gaine says, proving he's got a mouth as dirty as Austin's. “Well, I guess if we can't talk about ourselves, we could talk about other people behind their backs. That always makes for a good time.” We exit the elevator and move through the lobby and out the front doors, into the beautiful sunshine. She's shameless this time of year, always there, always naked and bright and beautiful. I'd be lying if I didn't say I envied her a little, but then, who doesn't respect the sun? It's the center of the universe, after all.

“Austin,” I blurt without having to think about it. I want – no,
need –
to know more about him. Before he burns me up from the inside out and consumes me, I have to know. It's a necessity, like air or water or food. “What's he running away from?”

Gaine sighs and shakes his head, looking down at the hot pavement below our feet. I watch the small chains on his boots rattle as we walk.

“That's a complicated question there, Miss Cross. There are two answers to that, and I only know one of them.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that he's got a past and a pretty piss poor future. I'm not sure which is worse.” I perk up, intrigued.

“You mean the things he does for Kent?”

“Exactly,” Gaine says, guiding me gently to a café across the street with tables situated in the cool shade of an old building. Every person there has a sweating glass of iced tea or lemonade in their hands, making my throat feel tight with thirst. I spent so much time making love – er,
fucking –
yesterday that I forgot to eat or drink.

I grab the nearest table and sit down, snatching the menu up in greedy hands.

“But, see, that's the part I don't fucking know about. I … ” Gaine pauses and his eyes get glassy like he's far, far away from here. “I know what Kent wants me to do, and if it's anything like what he's asking of Austin, it can't be good. I think the man's been skating on God's good graces for the past decade. How long until his luck runs out?” Gaine's talking but not to me, not really. He's speaking his own thoughts aloud, thoughts that have been brewing for a while, way before I ever came into the picture.

A waitress in a pink sundress comes to take our drink order and snaps Gaine out of his trance. He orders a beer and me, a sweet tea. I am a Southern girl at heart, you know.

“But his past,” I inquire, taking a sip of my drink as soon as it arrives. Gaine chugs his bottle and orders another immediately. He leans back so far in his chair that I'm afraid he's going to fall over and crack his head open on the pavement, but I say nothing, slipping my jacket off my shoulders and letting it hang on the back of my chair.

“Well … ” Gaine looks unsure, like maybe he thinks he shouldn't be telling me this. I wave my hand dismissively and try to smile. Austin didn't seem to want to talk about his past yesterday, so who am I to go snooping? I feel ashamed for even trying.

“Back to the badger story?” I say, but Gaine's face stays dark, the skin around his eyes crinkling as he nurses his beer.

“I think he'd want me to tell you.”

“Why?” I ask as Gaine sets his drink down with a groan, rubbing at his arm like it hurts somethin' fierce.

“Because he's a Goddamn pussy.”

I jump and try to pretend that I don't notice all the eyes around us swinging inward and focusing on my companion's face.

“Oh?” Austin seems pretty brave to me, not at all like a … a
pussy,
but Gaine knows him better, so I don't protest. I cross my ankles neatly beneath the table before I realize that my mother isn't there to chastise me. I cross one leg over the other and lean back, not as far as Gaine but just enough that my hair hangs over the back and gets caught in the breeze.

“I'm not a very good storyteller,” Gaine says, prefacing his next words with this statement. In my head, I substitute
once upon a time.
“So, uh, before Kent picked Austin up for Triple M, he was a little punk. He liked to rob small businesses, convenience stores and shit.” I blink at Gaine and am not sure what to say. Austin Sparks, a petty thief? He seems so … put together. Strong. Powerful. Even dare I say,
moralistic.
But in a good way, of course, not like my father.

“Really?” Gaine nods and winks at the waitress when she returns to collect our food order. I think he even checks out her
ass
when she walks away.

“Yup.” He sips his drink and focuses his gaze on the brightly colored koi tattoo that decorates the back of his wrist and hand. “Well, one day, he took his little brother along with him and he got shot by the clerk behind the counter.”

“Austin?”

“His brother. He died a few days later.” Gaine shrugs like this news doesn't bother him, but it horrifies me.

“He … died?”

“He did. And Austin's parents never forgave him for that. You'd think he'd pulled the trigger himself. There was no making up with them after that. They didn't – ”

“Look at him the same way.” My words sound flat, but they ring true.
Oh my God.

“Exactly.” Gaine looks up and sees my face, noticing how blanched I've become, how sallow my skin must look. My mama always said I looked like a ghost when I was surprised. How nice of her. “Hey, I … hope this doesn't change how
you
look at him. I think … I think somehow that he needs you.” Gaine pauses and clears his throat, like the air's just too heavy and needs to be lightened up. When he speaks again, his voice is much perkier. “I mean, you should've seen my parents after the badger incident. They never looked at me the same way neither.”

I try to smile at Gaine, but all I can think about is Austin. Austin. Austin.

I spend the day planning with Kimmi, making sure we know what's what, taking extra care to make sure we're not being followed by
anyone.
We haven't worked this hard in
years
and I don't like it.

“Who do you think the rat is?” she asks me as we walk back to the hotel
alone.
Kent's going to be pissed when he finds out we didn't take Mel, but I have my suspicions about that girl. I tell this to Kimmi. “Melissa? No. No.” She's already shaking her head. “Don't get me wrong, the girl's a cunt, but she's not a rat.”

“How the hell do you know?” I pause at the back entrance to the lobby. “You didn't sleep with her, did you?” Kimmi groans and wrinkles her nose.

“Dear God, no,” she says, shivering despite the heat. “I'd like to remain disease free, thank you very much.” I chuckle and shove the doors open, holding them aside for Reynolds. I'm trying to remain calm, to walk slow, but all I can really focus on is Amy and how much I want to see her again, fuck her again, hold her in my arms.
What the shit, Austin? Hold her in your arms? You writing a damn romance novel or somethin'?
I shake my head to clear it and end up walking onto a scene that makes my hackles raise.

Gaine and Amy are together again.

They're drinking in the lounge, laughing too loud, leaning too close. My fists clench at my sides.

“Sparks … ” Kimmi warns, following my eyes to the scene. “Relax. Best friend, remember?”

“Thanks for the reminder, Reynolds,” I snap at her as I watch my 'best friend' flirt with my … my … well, shit, just
mine.
Amy is mine, whether she likes it or not. I don't know for how long or why I need to think that way, but I just do. I see red and have to close my eyes and count to ten. I've always been the jealous type, but nothing like this.

“You really like this one, don't you?” Kimmi asks, and I don't respond. I have nothing to say to that. “Remember that time I dated that girl … ” She pauses and taps her glossy lips. “Thyme? Basil?”

“Mint,” I snap. “Mint Martin.”

“Right, Mint Martin. Now that was real, true love right there.”

“You can't even remember the damn girl's name,” I say, opening my eyes and stalking across the lobby carpet with heavy steps. I hope they see me coming and move apart because I'd hate to get in there and act like an asshole. Kimmi stops me with a hand on my arm.

“Austin, I may not remember her name, but I remember the way her eyes fluttered closed when I kissed her, the way her lashes danced like butterflies on her cheeks. I remember the way she smelled, like roses and chamomile, and I remember the sound of her laughter like she was right here with me. If you can think of your lover in six senses, then I'd say you're nailed. They've got themselves wrapped around your heart.” She flicks the crotch of my jeans with her nails. “And your cock.”

“Six senses?” I ask, noticing that Amy is looking at me now. Her face seems funny though, like something is different … or wrong. A shiver travels down my spine and leaves me chilly.

“Sight, sound, taste, scent, touch, and
other
, that thing you can't figure out that means everything.” Kimmi slaps me on the back, leans up to kiss my cheek and spins on her heel in a flicker of dangling earrings and frothy hair. I watch her go and force myself to count to ten.
No sense in barging in there actin' a fool. If Amy wants to sleep with Gaine then …
I count to a hundred instead and turn back to face them. They're both staring at me now, waiting like they suspect something bad is walking across the room with me.