Lost (2 page)

  I did see a homeless man leaning against a wall moaning, covered in dirt once, but otherwise, there was nothing overtly bad around my new neighborhood. 
 

  I was a 24 year old, finished her schooling, looking for the perfect career opportunity in her new home.  I had travelled some with Joseph while I worked as a waitress looking for my career, and I was finished with my partying twenties, looking forward to my future among new IKEA furniture and herbs in my kitchen window.
  I reacquainted myself with a few friends in my new singlehood because like most people in a relationship I couldn't help but be less visible to my girlfriends.  But once single again, I quickly reacquainted and re-engaged in their lives, becoming close again to my friends as we picked up where we all left off effortlessly.
  I still waitressed, went for job interviews and waited for the career I could sink my teeth into forever, but I had enough savings to furnish my new home, albeit cheaply, while I lived off my tips for the day to day stuff like food and coffee. 

  Honestly, I was very happy, and I felt good in my new place in the village when I started over again after my break up with Joseph.

  So that was my life from July 1st until the beginning of October.  That was the temporary life that made me happy.  I continued to look for a career, and I continued my shifts at the restaurant, earning just enough money to sustain my calm, single life.
  I loved my life at that time, but by the middle of October when I was becoming bored again I took on a second job at a health food store half a block away from my apartment for a change. 

  Before the job came along, I had always been aware of alternative medicine, reading up on it and even studying it casually.  I wasn't super health conscious by any means, but I did take vitamins and I did read up on cool herbs and their uses medicinally.  I even learned a little about herbs from an older neighbor, Marcy, while I planted my garden at the apartment.

  So when I saw the 'Hiring Part-Time' sign in the store down the street, I immediately applied.  And within the 4 days between dropping off my application at Sunshine and Life and receiving a call for an interview, I crammed as much knowledge into my brain as possible. 

  I had found the vitamin and herb 'Bible' according to the book retailer and I studied it from start to finish.  Even after I received the call, I continued cramming, because that was my way.  I wanted the job, so I made sure I was as ready and as knowledgeable as possible before going in, which I think landed me the job within minutes. 

  The owner and manager, Terry, was a total hippy- a
corporate trial lawyer
hippy, and I liked him immediately.  He was the funny cliché- short, thin, balding with a small ponytail, dressed like a slob, but driving a brand new Lexus. 
  Terry was down to earth but with a weird sense of humor I had to figure out quickly because he seemed to use humor often to get his point across.  Terry was so cliché I even laughed to his grin when his dress pants rose at the ankle and I saw Berkenstock sandals with no socks in cool October.
  I liked him as soon as we met though and he seemed taken with me, especially when I explained Herbology was relatively new to me, but I was studying it hard and fast.  I told him I was planning to keep the herb 'Bible' under the counter to use as a reference, and thankfully, Terry knew the book I was reading and studying, and he approved of it, so I was hired that Thursday and started work the following Monday. 

  And from the moment I began, I loved the store, the feeling at work, and the people I met who were as awesome and as diverse as Terry. 

  I met long haired hippy-types, totally gorgeous yuppies, and average University kids.  The customers were young and old, and through them I learned the herbs needed to heal everything from insomnia to cancer, and the vitamins, minerals and herbs used to heal everything from tendinitis to depression.  I was told which herb combinations the students used before exams to increase brain power, and I learned about the amino acids they used to help curb their hangovers when the exams were completed.
  I even met an older woman who had been dying of cancer-
terminal
cancer with less than 6 months to live who had been fighting it for 8 years.  She told me her story which made me choke up at the counter, but she and her husband just smiled as she asked me, “Do I look dead yet,” which made me laugh through my nearly falling tears.
 

  I loved Sunshine and Life, and if there was one thing I experienced universally, it was kindness.  Every single person from young, poor, old and wealthy came into the store kindly.  I was given homemade baked goods with all natural ingredients, to soaps and scents made from people's home remedies.  I was treated to delicious breads, and gross cookies, which truly needed a little sugar to help the flavor in my opinion.  But I took it all in with an excitement I hadn't felt since after the first few months I spent with Joseph.

  At the store, I tried different herbal teas, and I tasted a few sugar free foods.  I even tried a Tofurkey sandwich given to me by Terry after his huge Thanksgiving party which did actually taste like turkey, just without the texture of it.
                                                      

  When I took my second job I worked 5 day shifts at the store and 4 evening shifts at the restaurant a week, with my days off rarely coinciding with both jobs, but I didn't care.  They were each so different that if I left the store for the restaurant, it was such a change of pace I didn't feel overwhelmed or exhausted by my 14 hour days because I enjoyed the people in the store, and I enjoyed putting on my Sophie professional face in the upscale restaurant I waitressed at afterward.
  But when the days hit that I had to neither work at the store or restaurant, I did enjoy my full day off.  Those were my special days when I crammed everything in I possibly could.  From driving to a huge supermarket for groceries, shoe shopping or lunch with a girlfriend, to maybe getting my nails done, a haircut, or the oil changed in my car, I did everything I could.  Those rare days off were crammed with the average person’s weeks’ worth of errands, and after I had my errand day, I always felt completely settled and back in charge of my life.

  I enjoyed both my jobs but Terry knew I wasn't going to stay forever, as did my restaurant manager, Denise.  They both knew these were my temporary jobs while I searched for my forever career because I had a degree in Office Management, and a certificate in Human Resources.  I was not a waitress, nor a health food guru, but I was excellent at my jobs, so both Terry and Denise liked me enough to want more of a future for me, though they did wish I would stay with them long term.
  However, 7 weeks after I began at the store I received a call for an interview for a forever career.  I received the call to meet for an interview on a Friday afternoon which I thought was weird, but I was excited about it regardless.
  I told Terry I needed Friday afternoon off, and I called Denise to let her know I would be a little late for my evening shift.  I told them about my interview and each wished me good luck, but Terry did throw in a funny, 'I wish you…
tank
the interview', with a chuckle.
  After the interview was scheduled, I researched the company and the position in question and I knew it was my forever career.  It was everything I wanted in a career, with room to advance and grow.  And though the starting pay was equal to both my jobs, minus the tips, I figured if I got the job, I would ask Denise to keep me on weekends so I could continue making my tips for spending money and extras.
 

  So on Friday, November 26th, I went for my interview prepared and professional.  I arrived 20 minutes early but was left waiting for close to an hour, which being totally honest pissed me off at the time.  I've never been late a single day in my life for anything, so to be left waiting until 3:35 for a 3:00 interview drove me nuts inside, though amazingly, I didn't let my irritation show.
  While waiting, I eventually started talking to another woman in the waiting room to kill time, and she and I seemed to hit it off quickly.  She and I talked about nothing and everything, from our families, where we grew up, our education, to even our dating/marital status.
  At one point we even joked about her skirt being shorter than mine so she probably had a better chance at the job if a man interviewed us, which made us both laugh.  When we exchanged names, she introduced herself as Deborah, and joked, ‘Which is a lot classier than Debbie- as in
Debbie does Dallas
, thank god.’
  But eventually, the doors down the hall opened and a man stepped out to walk toward us.  He introduced himself as Eric, shook my hand and asked me to follow him in, while apologizing for the delay.  When Deborah stood behind me at the same time I remember looking at her with a mix of
oh shit
and confusion regarding whether the interview was to be for both of us, but she just smiled at my confusion and followed me and Eric down the hall.
 

  Once seated, Deborah again introduced herself with a grin and said she was actually the head of HR.  She then promptly explained, “Though completely unethical, I enjoy meeting applicants in a comfortable setting away from the closed doors, and personality-less confines of an actual interview.  It's kind of a mini interview to best see a person's true demeanor and personality.”

  Before I could reply though, Eric then proceeded to interview me in the 'personality-less' way I was accustomed to which was actually a relief. I knew how to answer those questions during an interview, nearly scripted, and that’s what I was prepared for. 

  All throughout, I was good, too.  I never stumbled over my words, nor needed a moment to answer any given question.  I could tell I rocked the interview by the way Eric seemed to relax the longer we sat and spoke.  So when Eric was finished asking questions and the end,
is there anything you want us to know about yourself
was asked, I exhaled and answered truthfully.
  “I work hard.  Period.  Both my current employers will be sad to see me go, but both like and respect me enough to let me go.  I always look for more, and I enjoy the challenge of learning more.  I never disappoint anyone, and I honestly believe I am the right fit for this job because I'm excited about it and I’m prepared to work hard for it.  Basically, I will not disappoint you if I'm hired.” And then I smiled.
  After we three shook hands, Deborah pulled me aside a little and asked, “Do you know you were the first person I talked to out there who just spoke to me plainly?  You didn't eye me up, looking for an advantage over me, and you didn't feel the need to make yourself feel better or more qualified by bragging about yourself to me.  You just spoke to me as a person, not as a competitor for the position, and that has set you apart in my eyes, Sophie.” Smiling at Deborah after she spoke, I practically ran for my car I was so excited.

  Replaying Deborah and my interaction in my car, I realized I had inadvertently aced my interview with her, as well.  And she was right.  I have never had to bring anyone down to raise myself up because I’m just myself, and I had always been very comfortable with myself.  I didn’t ever play emotional games because I had no tolerance for them from others. 

  I did see Deborah as an attractive woman, but I spoke to her as an equal, though she had age and experience working for her.  I knew at the time she was way more qualified than me, but I didn't brag or boast to feel better about myself, because there really was no point.  I knew she was better than me, so why bother acting like a fool in front of her by bragging about myself.
 
 

  So the very next day on Saturday afternoon Deborah called to offer me the job, which I gladly accepted.  Actually, I was a little embarrassed as I gushed to her how much I had wanted the job.  I even called Deborah completely unethical in her interviewing practices, but said I was willing to overlook them because it got me the job, which made her laugh at me. 

  Deborah said I was to start the following Monday, December 6th, which she believed would give me a few days off before I started my new job- not that I wouldn't finish up working until the following Sunday, but if she believed I would take a few days for myself, I let her.
 

  God, I remember how excited I was that weekend.  I called everyone I knew to tell them about my new career.  My brother was excited for me, and my parents were proud of me.  My friends thought it was cool that I was going to be an office manager and HR Rep. And though I enjoyed all the praise and excitement from everyone, I was just thrilled I was finally starting my life.
  After speaking with Denise, she agreed to a Saturday or Sunday shift each weekend after I finished up my full week at the restaurant.  And Terry was awesome and sad to see me go after so little time at the health food store, but he told me not to worry about any uncovered shifts, only if I promised to stop by for some Christmas Tofurkey in a few weeks, which made me gag and laugh as I agreed.

  Thinking back on that weekend, I remember after all my phone calls, I felt ready for anything.  I had one week left at Sunshine and Life and at the restaurant, but I had my entire future ahead of me.

CHAPTER 3

  I met Peter in Sunshine and Life.
  I met Peter, and I saw the life I wanted.  I saw the man I wanted and the life I dreamed of.  I couldn't understand why, but I looked at a total stranger and everything stopped for me in that one moment of time. 
 

  It was Wednesday of my last week at Sunshine and Life, and I met the man who would change my life indefinitely.  Though at the time I couldn't possibly know to what extent, I did know I would be changed by him.

  Much later, when I would question our first meeting Peter would say it was his aura and our connection that changed me.  Sometimes he said fate or kismet had played a hand in our lives crossing paths.  He had endless answers as to why I felt the initial strangeness inside me when we met, but I’ve never known if any of his explanations were true.  I just know I felt strange when I met Peter, and it wasn’t necessarily a welcomed feeling for me at the time.
 

  Standing behind the counter reading, I looked up as Peter walked in asking where the organic soap was.  He asked such a basic question; a question without hidden agendas or alternate meanings, but I found myself still as he spoke.  He asked me where the soap was moved to and I felt unsure of myself for the first time in my life as he stood there waiting for me to answer him.

  Thinking back, I would love to remember something meaningful happening or something dramatic occurring in those first moments I saw him, but there really wasn’t.  He was just a guy in a store looking for something specific to buy, waiting on the silent girl to answer him.
  Returning to the counter minutes later he had 2 bars of soap with him; Calming Chamomile, and Terrific TeaTree, and nothing else. 

  Standing at the counter with his soap you would have thought from my asinine reaction to him though, that he held a gun to my head.  When Peter stood in front of me, I simply paused at the counter and couldn't speak.  I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I didn't understand what was happening to me as he stood there waiting for me to surface.
 

  I had never known the insta-love crap some people talk or write about, and I sure as hell didn't believe in love at first sight.  And honestly, that isn’t what happened. 

  I didn't look at Peter and love him- I looked at Peter and felt unsure of myself and confused.  I felt off center, and actually, fairly immobile as we stood there silently.  But I couldn't explain it then and I still can't.  There was just something about him that threw me off. 

  Looking at Peter standing at the counter felt like a trippy déjà vu to me. I felt like there was more to him and more I should understand about him, but as I tried to quickly figure it out I was also sure I didn't know him at all.
 

  “Hi.  How long have you worked here?” He asked me with a friendly smile.
  “Um...” But I didn't know the answer.  I was suddenly very confused thinking of my new job and the job at Sunshine and Life, and I was just
confused. 
I was an absolute blushing, stuttering idiot actually.
  “How. Long. Have. You. Worked. Here?” He asked again slowly with a smirky grin.
  “Do you live around here?” I questioned instead of trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me.
  “Yeah, not far down the street off Elm.  You?”
  “Yes.  And I've worked here for 7 weeks but this is my second last day,” I spoke, finally breathing right while pulling my head out of my ass.
  Looking at me a little too seriously, he asked, “You don't like it here?”

  “Actually, I love it here but I just landed a good position in a huge company so I’m leaving.  It's what I went to school for.”  And with a little excitement seeping through, I added, “I’m starting my career this Monday.”
  Nodding his head with a smile, he responded, “Good for you.  You don't really belong here anyway, I can tell.”
  Feeling weird and surprised by his comment, I blurted out, “Why don't I belong here?”  And while I waited for his answer, I slowly came back and grew my spine again, feeling more like myself.

Smiling again at me after a minute to ponder his answer first, he tilted his head slightly and said what I didn't expect to hear in my wildest dreams. 

  “You lighten your hair, and I doubt its organic dye.  You have fake nails, and you're wearing leather shoes and I think that's your leather purse on the counter behind you.  You're wearing Obsession perfume, which I love by the way, and you have diamond earrings.  You probably dabble in holistic medicine and maybe use some herbs for sleep issues, or aches and pains, but I don't think you're a true believer.  You don't seem like a real convert, more like a quasi-herbalist who probably knows her stuff, but only from a textbook.”
  “Um...” I remember feeling totally offended even though his freaky observations were pretty damn accurate, but he continued past my shocked silence anyway.
  “Not one single thing I just said was meant as a judgment, I swear.  Honestly, I love your hair and nails.  Your shoes and purse are awesome, and well, who doesn't like diamonds?” He grinned, but I was pissed. 

  I suddenly felt like an idiot, and like the poser he just called me.  I was angry that some asshole walked into the store and talked to me like I was some high maintenance woman who didn't belong among the hippies and yuppies I loved.  I felt like I was playing a role suddenly among the people in the village, which I wasn't.  So I took the soap from the counter, rang them in, and told him the price which he could read from the other side of the register anyway.
  Slowly pulling out his money while staring at me like he wanted to say something else, he gave me a twenty as I made change without speaking, and bagged his soap quickly. 

  But when I handed him the bag he tried again.  “I really wasn't trying to offend you, I just know people really well.  I can usually tell what kind of person someone is by observing them, but I wasn't trying to insult you.  I just knew this wasn't really your scene.”
  “It's fine.  I'm not offended.”
  “I'm Peter,” he said as he offered me his hand. 

  Looking at Peter, I felt insecurity for the first time in my life.  In mere minutes, he made me question my life and he made me question myself.

  Looking at him in that moment I also thought of all the 'burning bridges' conversations my parents had with Steven and I.  I pictured telling him to piss off and low and behold he was my new boss's son, or something equally as screwed up.  But I knew how to speak to people, so I swallowed my anger and insecurity and leaned forward to shake his hand calmly.
  “No name?” He smirked again until I gave in.
  “Sophie.”
  “Well, I'm sorry I didn't meet you sooner, Sophie.  Best of luck at your new job.  And again, I'm sorry for sounding like an asshole.  I'm really not, though sometimes it comes across that way when I'm honest.” 

Nodding his head, Peter then turned and left the store as quickly as he entered.  He came in, disrupted my life, and then walked back out smiling like I wasn’t totally annoyed with him.
  And after he left I realized I didn't like the way he made me feel.  It was like I was covered in insecurity suddenly, and I was never insecure in my life.  I had always belonged wherever I was at because I made myself belong.  So shaking myself coherent and thinking about what he said after he left, I decided all the physical observations he made were stupid. 

  My own boss Terry, was a total hippy, herbalist, tree hugger, Who. Drove. A. Lexus.  So what if I put a lighter rinse through my hair in the winter months or had fake nails?  It was only because I always had ONE broken nail among my other 9 perfect ones and it drove me nuts, until I finally gave in 2 years earlier and just made them all fake for convenience sake.  And diamond earrings?  Had he seen the rich yuppies in this artsy neighborhood?  Why did they fit in but I didn't?
  Exhaling again, I put him out of my mind almost as quickly as he barged in.  I didn't have time for obnoxious men, and I didn't enjoy or like acknowledging men who weren't in my forever plans anyway.
                                              *****

  The following day during my last shift on Thursday, Terry and 2 other employees who
did
fit the hipster, vegan model of a health food store employee showed up with a Good Luck cake made with real sugar, chemicals, and fattening chocolate deliciousness.
  Terry hugged me and told me I was always welcome back if my corporate career didn’t work out, and though I knew he was joking I appreciated the sentiment anyway.  Happily, like me and my former relationships, I ended everything at Sunshine and Life, and with Terry and my fellow employees well.
 

  But shortly after the cake was sliced, Peter came into the store and to my surprise he knew everyone working.  Terry gave him a hug and Margaret kissed his cheek and welcomed him back with a hug as well.  Listening to them talk, I didn't know where he’d been, but I didn't really care.  He was an irritant to me the day before and a nothing to me that day.
  As I pretended to ignore them, Peter walked directly to me after his quick hellos, and smiled as he handed me a black and white notebook.  Handing over a notebook with a grin, Peter seemed to be waiting for something from me but I didn’t know what he wanted other than the little thank you I muttered.  So looking at the book, I attempted to open it silently, but he stopped me by placing his hand on my own while asking me to wait until I left for home.

  And after our little exchange I looked around awkwardly as Peter stood silent before me, until I noticed a strange look from Terry aimed at us.  Looking at Terry, I tried to figure out what he was thinking, but I really didn't know Terry well enough to read what the look meant.

  Finally after a minute of uncomfortable silence between us, Peter asked, “What company are you going to work for?”
  “Halton Facilities on Paramount.  I'll be training to take over the office manager position and eventually I'll be working as a HR Rep as well.”
  “Wow.  Good for you.  That's really great, Sophie,” he replied sounding truly excited for me.
  “Thank you.”  And that was all we said. 

  After a final smile and a little pat on my hand which was still resting anxiously on the notebook, Peter left the store with a quick goodbye to Terry.  As soon as Peter left however, Terry approached me to ask how I knew Peter, which seemed strange considering Peter was clearly a customer in the store.  I wasn't sure of Terry’s angle, or whether he was being friendly, or slightly possessive, so I answered honestly while hiding the notebook away in my purse.
  “I don’t know him.  I just met him yesterday.  Why?”
  “Just curious,” Terry said as he casually walked away to greet a customer walking in, and nothing more was said to me about Peter.
 

  2 hours later after another piece of cake with Terry, I was officially done at 4:00.  Grabbing my winter coat and boots, I bought a few teas, a book, and 2 bags of yummy veggie chips that I loved before I hugged Terry and Margaret goodbye and headed home.
  As I left, curiosity about the notebook was killing me, but I forced myself not to act on it in the store.  I didn't want anyone asking what was inside the book, so I patiently waited until I finally returned home at 4:50 to toss my bags on the coffee table before jumping on my couch just dying to know what was inside the dollar store looking notebook.
  Opening the first page, my name was spelled out in beautiful calligraphy with detailing and little designs all around the page, but turning the first page I was shocked to find an even more beautiful charcoal picture of myself. 

  Actually, I was stunned when I lifted away the waxy paper in between the first and second pages to see the drawing.  The portrait was very good, and Peter was obviously very talented, which completely surprised me. 
  Looking at the picture I felt that weird déjà vu again, but more I just kind of freaked out inside.  I can't even explain it, but I think it's the feeling you get when someone new acknowledges you.  Or like the feeling someone gets in a new relationship at the beginning.  Everything was exciting in that moment. 
I
was excited in that moment.  I was warm and shaky with the tingles, and the freaky butterfly stomach-thing.  I was unconsciously smiling, staring at the beautiful portrait of myself that Peter had drawn.

  It was amazing really.  The lines were so crisp and clear and the shading blended so well that even though it was charcoal, you could almost see my eye color and my lighter hair through the dark charcoal.  Even my face was an exact likeliness, so much so, that it seemed more like a black and white photograph of me instead of a drawing. 

  Staring at the drawing, I really couldn't believe Peter remembered so much detail of my face when we had only spoke for those 10 minutes the day before.  I couldn’t believe anyone could remember so much of someone and draw them so perfectly. 

  With a big smile plastered on my face, staring at the drawing forever, I finally turned the next page to a hand written note from Peter.
 

I think you're awesome, Sophie, and I wanted you to know that in case I made you feel badly yesterday because that was NOT my intention. 
I was hoping you might use this book to write down your thoughts sometimes like I do.  Then maybe one day we could trade books and read what we're really thinking.  I would like to know the beautiful Sophie who worked at my favorite health food store but who I never had the pleasure of knowing before she was gone.
Take care,