Lost (52 page)

  I touched his cold cheek quickly with my hand, and I walked from his room to my waiting mom and to Peter's brother-in-law David as I begged my mom to drive me home.
  I walked to my mom, who incidentally looked beyond exhausted and really, just so sad I needed to comfort her as best as I could.
  “I said goodbye,” I lied. “Let’s go home, okay?” I asked as she nodded when I took her hand in my own to leave my love in the hospital.
  “Will you come back home with me?  Can we drive to my house?” My mom asked and I nodded.
  “Sure,” I said a little too brightly, until I quickly changed my voice to one she would expect. “I need to be at your house tonight.  I need you around me,” I lied to my mom again.  Well, not lied, so much as manipulated the truth.  I did need her, but not like she expected.
  I knew it was all going to be okay for me and Peter once I was safely in my old bed in the comfort of my parents’ home with their watchful eyes all around me.
  They would be watching, and I could breathe easily with the knowledge and purpose inside me.

CHAPTER 42

  “Sophie.  Why are you here?” He asks again sounding not quite frustrated with me, but more anxious to hear the end, which was obviously coming.
  “Just a little bit more.  I'm almost done,” I say with a smirk, because I’m already done, but he doesn’t need to know that.
  “Sophie, we really need to address what you've done and what you want to accomplish by-”
  “We are.  Just listen, please?” And as he nods, I continue.
  When we arrived at my parents' house, I spoke to my parents and to the police again.  David Lockley and Detective Dent followed us to my parents' house after my hospital visit, and I had to finish up the last part of my statement with them.
  I even spoke to Mrs. Connor on the phone briefly.  I spoke to her and I spent 10 minutes listening to her apologize on Peter's behalf and from her whole family for the events I was involved in.  She even apologized because they couldn't find me earlier to explain.  She was very nice, and apologetic, and I responded to her kindly.
  I learned Peter had not only hidden himself from me, but he'd hidden me from his family as well and that's why I wasn't told what I was facing with Peter in my life.  Apparently, like with me, Peter's family was never told my last name, so even David, a police officer, couldn't find me until he saw my picture after the rape and knew who I was.
  After the call, and my final statement, Carrie's husband David left both as a sort of friend, and as a cop.
 

  After the police left Steven tried to talk to me, but I begged him to leave me alone.  With a smile and a big hug, I begged my brother to just let me rest for a while upstairs, while I tried to figure out everything in my head.  I begged Steven to please give me a little space, and sadly after a moment of confusion and desperation he agreed.
  Hugging me tightly to him, Steven whispered his words of love, as only my brother could, choking me up, and making me hurt for him, but there was nothing I could do to help him.
  I needed to rest.
  After I made my way upstairs, I quickly showered away my 2 day nightmare and redressed in clean clothes I kept in my old room before I finally laid down.
  Dumping my purse on my bed, I found all my old pain killers and I once again gave into the pain I felt trapped in, but with a purpose.
  Unlike the first time when I was confused and sad and couldn't function any longer, in that moment I had reason and purpose backing my decision.
  I knew what I was doing, and I knew what I had to do.  I also knew I would be found in time by my family.
  So I did it.  Again.
  That was the second time I tried to kill myself for Peter.

                                       *****
 

  “Sophie.  Why are you here?” He asks me again.
  “I told you.  I'm here because I love him.”

  “I understand that, but that doesn’t answer my question.”

  “You know Dr. Lodema, if someone told me I would end up like this, even the day before I met Peter I would have laughed at them.  I’m not this woman, and I never was before.  I used to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient.  I was proud of my accomplishments because they were mine.  I worked hard for what I wanted, and I was proud of what I had.”

  “I believe you.”

  “There was never a day in my life before Peter when I hurt people, or took advantage, or was an embarrassment to others.  I was a good, strong woman who had her head firmly planted on her shoulders with a path I followed to fulfill my forever plans.”

  “And?”

  “And I was never sad or lonely or depressed, or weak.  But now that’s all I am,” I exhaled.

  “I understand what you’re saying, but we need to get to the reason behind all this.  I know you saw Peter.  But why are you
here
?”
  Swallowing the sob threatening to spill forth, I whisper, “So we can be together again.”
  “But it doesn't work that way, Sophie.  Peter isn't here.  He isn't even in this building.  You trying to kill yourself doesn't bring you any closer to Peter,” he says with pity.
  “But it might.  I might be able to get closer to him,” I moan.
  “Sophie, you will never get to Peter this way,” he again says firmly.
  “We'll see...” I smile knowing exactly what I was doing for me and Peter.
 

  “Sophie.  Peter left you a letter this morning in his room.  He left you a letter to read because he killed himself this morning after he was taken for an x-ray,” he says so seriously I actually believe him.
  “Ohhh...” I whisper on a long exhale.

  And that is the last sound of sadness I utter for a lifetime.

  Pausing in the silence of my hospital room, Dr. Lodema doesn’t even seem to breathe as I slowly process what he said to me.  But I too can’t breathe, and I can’t think.
  I can’t understand anything beyond Peter is dead again.  For the second time in 3 days my forever is dead.
  I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to say.  I can’t even ask how he did it.  There is just no question or answer that makes any sense to me anymore.
  I can’t explain the pain that is gutting me.  And I can’t explain anything I’m feeling or thinking or dreaming or accepting.
  All I know is my forever is really gone.
  And we have lost.
 

Dear Sophie,
I'm so sorry, but I'm tired of always struggling with this sickness, and I almost forgot I was sick when we were together.  But then everything happened again, and I knew I was sick and you weren’t safe and I almost hurt you and I don’t want to risk you ever again.
So I'm ending my sickness now with the greatest happiness I've ever known and with the greatest love I’ve ever had in my life.
Loving and adoring you is the happiest I've ever been.
And with me ending it now, like this, when you were willing to do anything to help me and to love me, you get to always be MY forever.

I love you so much Sophie, there simply are no more words.
Peter
xo
 

                     
 
Our End

                               04/22
 

EPILOGUE

  After endless medications for depression and countless therapy sessions, I finally let go of Peter enough to have a life of my own.

   I eventually rebuilt my life slowly the only way I knew how.  I studied and learned about my temporary mental health issues, and I obsessively studied everything I could find on Paranoid Schizophrenia.  I wanted to know what it was like, and I wanted to understand how Peter had felt.  I needed to understand why he left me as abruptly as he did.

  But when no true explanation came to me no matter how much I studied what Peter must have gone through, I finally let go of him.

  I let him go, and I finally rebuilt my life with the help of my parents and brother, and with Kim, Amy and Christina pushing me forward day after day.
 

  I didn’t make it to Peter’s funeral because I was trapped in the hospital, nearly catatonic with my sadness.  But I don’t know if I could’ve gone had it been an option anyway because I was destroyed.  Afterward, when I heard a framed drawing of me was placed on his coffin when it was lowered into the ground, I was relieved I could still hold him in his darkness.

  I also never asked how he actually accomplished it.  I didn’t want to know the way he died in case it was ugly or painful.  I didn’t ask David, or my parents, or even my brother, because I just couldn’t know. 

  Instead, I made up a story of Peter dreaming of our life together, falling asleep happily but never waking again.

  I made up the story of Peter loving me in the exact moment of his death, so I would remain his forever, forever.

  Today, I work in a little store in the village, my own store actually.  I work surrounded by all the things I love, in the village I love, with all the memories I love.  I sell everything I love from herbal tinctures, to candle holders, to my own pottery.  I sell everything I love in my bizarre little eclectic store in the village.
 

  I'm married too. 

  I met and married a kind, patient man 3 years after Peter left me, and my husband lets me be me without questions about or consequences for my past.  He loves me enough to just let me be the Sophie I'm most comfortable with, and he loves me even when I can't tell him why I'm sad.
 
  My family is still wonderful and supportive, as well.  My parents are terrific, and Steven is actually getting married in a few months.  Steven stopped the love em' and leave em' for his own version of forever with Kim and I'm truly happy for them.
 

  I can honestly say I’m happy overall with how my life turned out.  I'm happy with my husband and the love and support he gives me.  And I'm happy with the thought of any future children we may have and the love and support I know I’ll give them.
  I'm 31 years old, and I’m finally happy.
 

  But not a single day goes by that I don't still look for Peter on every street corner in the village.  No matter how much I have healed and changed, I look for him, and still love him like the forever he will always be.
  Peter may be lost to me, but I take what little comfort I can in knowing he adored me in the end.  And though he is lost, and I live with a sadness that will always remain deep inside me, I’m okay now. 

  I’m okay because I know I will always remain
his
forever.