Lost Without You (21 page)

He almost couldn't wait for filming to be over. Usually he really loved every aspect of production, especially when it got to be around finale time, but this show was different. Zoe made it different. She occupied his every thought, distracting him.

And he also wouldn't mind a proper shower one of these days. He'd thought that a show filmed remotely would be a lot of fun, but he was wrong. So, so wrong. Bugs, weather, and the lack of personal hygiene from some of the crew made the experience less desirable than he'd expected.

The only desirable thing about the situation was Zoe and he wasn't even speaking to her at the moment. He didn't have anything to say. It wasn't as if asking her why she felt the need to get all hot and heavy with him only to ditch him constantly would do any good. He'd been pushing her pretty hard, putting the moves on, hoping she would reciprocate his feelings, but it was obvious now that she didn't or wouldn't let herself. Whatever it was she felt for him, it wasn't the same as what he felt for her.

He peeked up at her and found her face to face with Alex. He wouldn't have been surprised if it was Rick talking to her, but Alex was a little unusual. She didn't look especially happy to be speaking with him either, judging by her body language of crossed arms and pulled back shoulders.

As he watched, Alex leaned in and said something into her ear before walking away to join the rest of his team who were already celebrating their victory. Zoe's shoulders rolled forward as she stood there alone and her expression was one of exhaustion and stress. What had Alex said to her? Why the hell was he talking privately with the host of the show anyway? They should know it was against the rules.

On the other hand, it appeared Rick had finally started playing by the rules. He hadn't made any inappropriate comments to Zoe during the entire filming today and even now he was already with his team and heading back to their camp.

Chip relaxed. Finally, he could stop worrying about Rick and Zoe getting together.

Now he had to figure out what to do about Zoe. It was perfectly obvious in her kisses she had real feelings for him; the question was why did she keep pushing him away instead of giving into what she clearly wanted. And how could he help her overcome whatever the obstacle was so they could finally be together?

• • •

Zoe sat on a boulder, staring at the view as the sun set through the trees. The third week of filming was finally done and she'd never felt so exhausted. She really had thought hosting would be easier than being a contestant. Maybe it was easier on a typical show when the host could show up on set after a good night's sleep in a comfortable bed and eat normal meals and take regular showers. But out here in the wilderness, her experience as host had been anything but easy.

Of course, that could have something to do with the men on the show too. Rick, Alex, and Chip were not making her life easy. In fact, they were the main cause of her stress.

The sound of a branch breaking under someone's foot pulled her from her thoughts and the beautiful view. Rick strode down the trail with purpose. Surely he was lost and not looking for her. Having another discussion with Rick about anything was the last thing she wanted to do right now.

“Hey, Rick. You're not following me are you?” she asked. She really could care less where he was headed as long as it didn't involve her.

“I need to talk to you, but I didn't want to do it back there with everyone else around. You alone out here?” he asked, glancing around.

A private conversation? Just what she didn't need right now.

“Just me and the bugs. What's up?” she asked, trying to sound casual and friendly. She stood from her boulder as he approached.

Rick stopped directly in front of her, his body brushing up against hers.

“Personal space, Rick.” She started to take a step back, but he pulled her into his arms. One hand snaked around her waist while the other tangled in her hair. The next second, his mouth was pressed to hers, his tongue on a mission to reach her tonsils. She squirmed against him trying to get free, only to feel his arms wrap tighter around her.

Without seeing any other choice, she brought her knee up between his legs hard and fast. He instantly let go of her and went down on one knee, sucking in gulps of air.

“What the hell was that, Rick?” she yelled, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand as if that would remove the memory of what had just happened.

“I wanted to show you what you were missing now that you're fooling around with that little piss-head producer instead of me. I didn't expect you to go all defensive on me.” He groaned and got to his feet.

“First of all, Chip is not a ‘piss-head,' as you so elegantly put it. He's a good guy and a great producer. And we aren't fooling around, not that it's any of your business either way. And of course I went defensive on you. You forced yourself on me without so much as saying hello. What did you think I was going to do?”

“I don't know. I thought maybe you'd kiss me back since you flirt with me the way you do.” He shook his head. “You're not really sending me clear signals here, you know.”

A wave of guilt washed over her. True, he shouldn't have assumed anything and kissed her, but she had been flirting with him pretty heavy the first week or two of the show. She was partly to blame for her predicament.

“I'm sorry. I know I flirted with you a lot at the beginning, but I thought I'd made it clear recently that I wasn't interested after all. I shouldn't have flirted with you to begin with, but I really did try to tell you I wanted it to stop and I thought you understood.”

“I understood that your boyfriend was trying to use his power to persuade me away from you, but I thought you'd still be able to make your own decision if he wasn't hovering around watching you.”

“He isn't hovering, he's working.”

“He's hovering. And marking his territory. Don't think we haven't heard what's going on with you two. I think you're only with him because you think you can't be with me because I'm a contestant. But I'm only a contestant for another week. So the way I see it, baby, is that we do whatever we want and by the time anyone figures it out, the show will already be over.”

He scooped her into his arms again as if he'd already forgotten the pain she'd caused his brain a few minutes ago. She must not have kneed him hard enough the first time. She'd have to be careful not to make the same mistake the second time.

She pushed back against his chest. “Let me go. I said I'm not interested anymore and I meant it.”

“You're playing hard to get. You must need a little more convincing.” He kissed the side of her neck, but instead of it making her weak-kneed like it had when Chip had kissed her there, it made her nauseous.

Her patience at the situation vaporized. Rick had gone too far this time and obviously wasn't going to listen to reason. She slid her hands up his chest and pressed against his throat. Trying to push against his chest had been like a mouse trying to move a mountain, but everyone had the need to breathe and right now Rick couldn't do that with her hands pushing against his neck.

He stepped back from her and she let go. His eyes were hot with an anger that matched her own. “I told you I wasn't interested. What the hell is with the men in this God forsaken forest? I've had enough of all of you.”

“What are you talking about? Did Chip hurt you?”

“Chip is probably the least of my concerns right now. At least he cares about my feelings and tries to watch out for me. I can't say the same for you, Mr. Kissy Face. And don't even get me started on Alex and his threats, which is really the last thing I need thrown into this whole mess.”

Her breath caught in her throat when she realized what she'd said out loud.

Shit.

“I, um, I think we're done here so I'm gonna go.” She turned and managed two steps before Rick grabbed her by the arm and spun her around.

“What did you say?” he demanded.

“Chip sticks up for me and you should take a hint and stop kissing me.”

He shook his head. “Not that part, the other stuff about Alex. Has he threatened you? Why?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes as if what he said was exaggerated. “Threatened, discussed. Maybe I used the wrong word. Either way it's none of your business. What is your business is keeping your hands and your lips off of me because I'm not interested in you. Got it?”

His eyes narrowed and his jaw set into a hard edge. “Looks like I need to have a little discussion with Alex.”

“Please don't. Just pretend I never said anything and let it blow over. Okay?”

Rick slammed his fist into a nearby tree trunk. “Nope. Not a chance. I can't do that, baby. You think Chip is the only one who will look out for you? Well, you're wrong.”

Zoe stood silently as Rick disappeared into the woods the way he'd come then made her way back to base camp. She stopped into the kitchen tent and fixed herself a cup of tea and grabbed a granola bar before going back to her tent. She was balancing everything in one hand to unzip her door with the other when Chip came around the side of her tent.

She stood and flipped her hair out of her face. “Hey, Chip. Were you looking for me? I stopped to grab a tea on my way back.”

The thought that maybe he'd been hanging out, waiting for her to get back to her tent tonight, caused a stirring of something warm in her chest. Somehow the idea of coming home to Chip felt strangely welcoming and wonderful, even though she didn't want it to.

“Nope. Passing by.” His voice was cool and clipped, the one she'd heard him use with crewmembers who annoyed him.

Great. So that's what she'd been reduced to in his mind. At least now she knew.

A pain unlike anything she'd felt before buried itself in her chest. “Oh, okay then. I'll head inside.” She bit the inside of her lip trying to keep it together in front of Chip. This was all getting to be too much stress. “I thought you might want to talk.”

“Not really.” He shrugged. “I mean, what could we possibly have to say to each other when you keep running away from me every time we get close? You're a pro at sending mixed signals.”

First Rick said it and now Chip did. Maybe they were right and she should keep to herself for the rest of the show so she couldn't send any more mixed signals to anyone.

“I'm sorry.” Zoe was taken aback by his reality check. “I guess I thought you might want to hang out and chat like we did the first couple of weeks here. I guess not.”

“Hanging out involves two people
not
running away from each other. So I guess that's it unless you want to tell me what's up with you.”

“I can't explain it. You wouldn't understand.”

Chip sighed. “I think I would, but you'll never get the chance to find out, will you? You'll never let me get close enough to try. At least now I understand where I fit in to your world … I don't.”

“Chip, it's not that easy. It's not so black and white in my world.”

“It is easy if you let it be, but you never will, will you? Your life is only as complicated as you make it and you've done a great job at making your life more complicated than anyone else's.” Chip sighed, then left her standing alone while he went and joined a group of production people hanging out at one of the fire pits.

Zoe tried to think of something to say that would make him understand where she was coming from, but nothing seemed right. How could she explain her feelings when they were making less and less sense even to her? Since coming on this show and being with Chip, nothing seemed to be as easy as it had been before.

Keeping people at a distance used to come naturally to her, but staying away from Chip got harder every day. Keeping her feelings to herself used to be as normal as breathing, but now she felt herself struggling with the notion of telling him her whole story.

Instead of going after him, she zipped herself into the safety of her tent — away from Chip and the discussion he wanted to have with her.

Maybe he was right. Maybe her life was only complicated because she'd made it that way. Maybe she could tell him about her past and have him still want a future with her.

Or maybe he'd get one good look at her scars in the light and hear about how damaged she really was and realize that being with her had no real future. Being with her was a mistake.

Was she willing to risk that kind of rejection from him?

Zoe felt panic rising in her throat as she paced the clearing waiting for Alex to show up. He was going to flip his shit when he heard what she had to say about the final challenge. This wouldn't go well.

Alex stepped into the clearing. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have been intimidating. But these weren't normal circumstances and he held her fate in his hands. What he chose to do with it after she told him was completely up to him. And judging by the look of annoyance on his face, he wouldn't be kind or considerate of her feelings.

“Let's not waste time with pleasantries. What's the final challenge?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest.

Zoe wrung her hands together. He wouldn't like this answer. “I don't know. I wasn't able to find out. The production people aren't told anything in advance other than specific equipment they need to bring, if any.”

“That shouldn't be a problem for you since you've been getting into bed with the producer. Surely you were able to sweet talk your way into the information I needed.”

“I don't know what you think is going on between Chip and myself, but I wasn't able … we aren't speaking. I couldn't just ask him what the challenge was either. He doesn't really share that information with anyone. It was a fluke that I was able to get it for you last week.”