Lost Without You (25 page)

Oh.

“So you didn't know that Alex was someone from my past? Someone who would have known me before my accident? You didn't put him on the show to cause drama for me?”

Chip leaned away from Zoe and she instantly regretted her words. “Wow. You really think very little of me, don't you?”

“Well, you have to admit you have done some pretty shady things all in the name of producing a show that will earn big ratings. Like the whole finale thing between Cassidy and me. You did do that.”

“So you thought I'd bring on an asshole like Alex from your past to humiliate the host of my show during the finale? That's really nice of you, Zoe.” He got up and paced out in the rain in front of the outcropping. “I can't believe everything I've done for you and all you can think of me is that I've been out to get you this whole time.”

“Chip, you're taking this the wrong way. I don't know what I thought. It's weird that Alex would be here out of everyone you could have chosen. I shouldn't have said anything. I don't really think badly of you, I'm just trying to figure this all out. I don't understand how everything went downhill for me so quickly.”

“Everything I've done on my shows concerning you has been with your best interest at heart and this is what you think of me.”

Zoe felt her temper rising at the situation. She was cold and tired and not at all in the mood to have this conversation. “Not everything was in my best interest. Dragging me along for Cassidy's humiliation on the finale of
The One
was an embarrassment for me too. But you wanted the ratings. You didn't even consider how being rejected by Brad would affect me, did you?”

Chip stopped walking and stared at her. “You're right. When it came down to the finale for
The One
, I wasn't thinking about your feelings. I did get caught up in the scandal and the ratings and I forgot that there were real people involved. I'm sorry. If I could take back any moment in my production history, it would be that one. But every other thing concerning you has been with you in mind. And honestly, Zoe, I didn't think you'd be so upset over Brad.”

“Why wouldn't I be upset about getting rejected on live TV?” She couldn't remember ever feeling so irritated by Chip before. Didn't he get it? Didn't he understand she wasn't some pawn in his game?

“Because he wasn't the right guy for you and I thought you knew that. I thought you were playing along with the game because you wanted to win, not because you really cared for him.” Chip slumped down onto a wet stump, sighing and dropping his head into his hands. When he looked up at her, she saw something in his eyes she hadn't seen before. Sadness, regret, and uncertainty all rolled into one. “And I sort of thought you wouldn't care about Brad because maybe you already had feelings for me the way I already had feelings for you.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

Chip's jaw set into a hard line. “I should have known better. You don't care about anyone but yourself. Certainly you don't care about me. Never have, never will.”

That last comment lit a fire inside her so bright she could barely see straight. “Don't you dare talk to me as if you know me. You don't know anything about me. Not really anyway. Sure, you know whatever is in that little file of yours, but that's just facts. Where I live, what kind of things I like to do for fun, and who my friends are. But that doesn't tell you anything about what I think or how I feel. You're so busy trying to be a big shot reality TV producer that you've forgotten how real life really works. You make these ‘reality' TV shows and you think that makes you some kind of expert on people. But guess what? You aren't an expert on me or anyone else. You're just some sleazy producer who's looking for the best thing to capitalize on and I'm not going to be that person for you anymore.”

“Do you even hear yourself right now? You're so wrapped up in your own insecurities that you can't even see how you are to everyone else. You spend all of your time pushing people away by being a gigantic bitch so no one can ever get close to you. And you've done it again. I can't do this anymore. I could have had any number of people as the host for this show, but I picked you because I knew you had medical bills to still pay off.”

“That's none of your business,” she said, the sting of shame digging into her chest. How dare he look into her accounts? That was a violation of her privacy for sure.

“But more than knowing you needed the money, I wanted you here. With me. I thought maybe if we were out here together, away from everything else, you might finally let your walls down with me and give into the feelings you've been hinting at this whole time. But you couldn't let that happen, could you? So you ran away and kept me at a distance even when I pushed you to be honest.”

“I had to run — ”

“No, you didn't,” he cut her off sharply. “You didn't have to run from me. I would have taken you any way I could have had you. I would have done anything for you. Including punching my own contestant in the face, risking a lawsuit, and then following you out into the middle of a forest in the dark. But not anymore. I'm done, Zoe. You keep running away from me but you don't need to anymore. I'm done chasing after you.”

She stared at Chip, his words cutting into her, her heart breaking with the pain, and her insides twisting with anger. No one had ever spoken to her like that before. It pissed her off and yet she couldn't bring herself to respond. What could she say?

“Hello?” someone called. “Can you hear me?”

“We're here,” Chip called back, standing and walking toward the voice.

Zoe sat on the tiny, uncomfortable couch in the middle of the hotel room still shivering even after they'd cranked the heat in the ranger's car for the ride into the nearest city. She couldn't seem to get warm in her wet clothes. She'd have to get out of them soon, but she wasn't sure what else she could put on in their place. And walking around naked wasn't an option she wanted to entertain at the moment.

Chip groaned as he sat on a chair opposite her and bent to take off his shoes. “These shoes were not made for hiking in the woods. I don't think they're going to survive the night.”

She tried to smile a response, but her muscles wouldn't cooperate. Instead, she fought the tears flooding her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek, trying to trap the pain inside.

With a huge convention happening, most of the hotel rooms had been booked, leaving them no choice but to room together in a suite. While she was thrilled to have a warm room and a comfortable bed, it was awkward sharing the same space knowing that Chip was more than pissed at her right now.

She'd been pissed at him too an hour or so ago when they were trekking out of the woods with the rangers who'd come and found them. She couldn't remember ever having been quite that pissed at anyone before and she'd fought the urge to pick up a stick and smack him with it the entire way to the ranger's car.

But once she was tucked into the backseat of the cruiser and Chip was busy telling him about the show, she'd had a lot of time to think. And she hadn't liked where her mind had taken her.

Basically, everything Chip had said about her was true. She did push people away so they couldn't get close to her. She didn't want to run the risk of letting someone in, only to end up hurt again in the end. But in doing that, she'd made it so that she was never close to anyone and that made her miss out on things like a relationship with Chip — the only guy who'd ever really taken the time to see past her defenses. The only guy who she'd ever felt like she wanted to be with for longer than one drunken night of fun no one would really remember. The only guy who'd made her feel like she was more than just a face, or body, or TV personality.

The only guy she'd ever loved.

And now she'd lost him because she'd been too foolish to see what was right in front of her all along.

“I'm going to take a hot shower unless you want in there first,” Chip said, pulling the bottom hem of his shirt free from his pants.

She shook her head. A hot shower sounded like heaven, but she knew she would never really enjoy it unless she made things right with Chip. Now that she admitted to herself that he'd been right, she couldn't wait another minute to tell him so.

“Okay.” Chip shrugged and turned toward the bathroom, pulling his shirt over his head. The muscles on his back flexed as he stretched.

“Wait,” she managed to say before he made it all the way to the bathroom.

He turned back to face her, his shirt in hand, his sculpted chest glistening with moisture from his wet shirt.

At the sight of his naked chest, the words that had been on the tip of her tongue were lost. Her throat went dry.

Think. Say something before he leaves.

“You're right,” she said, finally forcing some words out of her mouth.

He tilted his head. “I'm right about the shower? I'm not sure what could have been wrong with that statement.”

“No.” She cleared her throat. “You're, um, right about me. All of it. Everything you said is true.”

He looked down for a moment before finding her gaze. “I shouldn't have said those things. They were rude and hurtful and uncalled for.”

“They were true. I push people away all the time because of my past. I judge people now because of how other people have treated me before. And that's not fair to anyone.”

“Zoe, I — ” he started, stepping toward her, his shirt falling from his hand to the carpet.

“Let me finish, please.”

He nodded and waited for her to continue.

“I'm sorry for pushing you away the way I did. It wasn't fair to you and it wasn't fair to me either. People treated me really badly growing up. I wasn't the cute girl in school who the boys liked and who the girls envied. I was the ugly kid who didn't really fit in with anyone.”

“I can't believe that anyone would say you were ugly. Kids can be cruel to each other and stupid.”

“Maybe they shouldn't have said it, but it was true. I wasn't good looking. Then, when I was fourteen, I was in a bad car wreck with a friend's family, as my file must have told you.” She paused and took a deep breath, not wanting to go on but knowing it was finally time to tell the whole truth. “Lana and I had been goofing around in the backseat trying to see who could be the most outrageous. We were in such silly moods, acting without thinking. Her parents had asked us to calm down a few times and finally Lana did. But I didn't. I thought it would be funny and make everyone laugh if I tried to scare her dad. And I did. I settled down for a while then poked him in the side and screamed. He startled and the car jerked to the shoulder, hit the gravel and flipped.”

“Zoe, I'm so sorry.” Chip reached for her, but she pulled away.

“Don't be sorry. I deserved what I got.”

“That's not true.”

Zoe nodded. “It is. It's my fault the accident happened.”

“You were a kid. You couldn't have known the outcome of your actions. It's not your fault,” Chip stepped closer but didn't touch her.

“There's more.”

“You don't have to tell me anymore. It's okay. I get it, Zoe. I understand now.”

It was now or never. “Lana and her family all walked away from the accident with bumps and bruises, but I had taken off my seatbelt. I was pinned under the car for a while. I'm lucky there was a boulder that stopped the car from crushing me completely. I remember the paramedics calling to me, telling me to be calm and not move around. I remember them telling me they were coming for me and to hold on a little longer. So I did my best to listen and I held on until they pulled me free. When I woke up and learned of my injuries, I wished I hadn't been pulled out from under the car at all. The kids had always teased me before and now I really was a monster. Lacerations all over my face and neck, broken bones in my arms and ribs, and road rash down the side of my face made me a walking nightmare. I feared they would tease me more. And they did.”

Chip put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. It was all she could do not to flinch at his touch. This wasn't something she talked about. Ever. To have physical contact with someone she cared about while she told her story was overwhelming and she wasn't sure she could handle it.

“After I recovered from a few surgeries, I went back to school and it was worse than ever. You'd think the kids would have cut me some slack since I'd been in the accident, but they didn't seem to care. I couldn't take it anymore. Finally my mom decided to move in with the guy who became my stepdad. They got married. I changed my first name and took my stepdad's last name and he paid for more cosmetic surgery. He gave me a new chance at life and I took it. He made me beautiful. But I never forgot what it was like to be that ugly girl who people teased and made fun of. Once in a while, I'm ashamed to admit, it felt good to be the person to make fun of someone else for a change. To take the focus off of my pain by giving it to someone else.”

“Zoe, I had no idea.”

“No one did. I made sure of that. I couldn't let anyone, especially you, find out the truth. I couldn't let anyone learn the accident was my fault. Everyone thought I looked like a monster, but if they ever found out what I had done, they'd know they were right.”

She wiped a tear as it rolled down her cheek. “I push people away because I'm afraid of getting hurt again when someone sees my scars. They aren't all gone. And if anyone ever saw them, I worried that they would think I was Ugly Andrea again and not get to see the real me underneath the scars. I guess it didn't work because people still didn't get to know the real me. I pushed everyone away before they could get too close. Including you.”