Love, But Never (4 page)

“Yeah, you looked so peaceful, I couldn’t resist. Why do you seem upset about that?  We’ve slept together a lot,” John pulled away from her.

“I know, but we seem to be cuddling.  That’s not par for the course here, especially since I’ve got a boyfriend,” she sat up.

“That must’ve happened when we were sleeping, I’m sorry,” he said.  “We’ve got to head to class though.”

“Okay.  Thank you for the bed.  I really needed that nap.  Sorry about the studying though,” Marissa furrowed her brow.

“It’s okay.  I’ll be fine,” he smiled, helping her off the bed. “So, movie opens this Friday,” he reminded.

“It’s a good thing Matthew isn’t coming this weekend then!  I can’t go back on my promise to you,” she laughed.

“He’s not? What happened?”

“Has to work,” Marissa frowned.

“Too bad,” John tried to hide his smile.

“Don’t be too happy,” she rolled her eyes and packed her book and notes into her bag.

“He’s coming next weekend.  We’re going to do something Thanksgiving-y together, I guess,” she shrugged and followed John to his car.

“Sounds fun,” he frowned.  “You going to stop by my house after dinner at your parents on
actual
Thanksgiving like last year?  If it’s warm enough, we can eat the leftovers by the pool,” he offered.

“Nice!” she agreed, sliding into the passenger seat of his late model Oldsmobile.  “Let’s worry about this midterm before we start talking about the holidays though.

“Agreed!” John chuckled, backing his car from his driveway and pointing it toward campus.

**

              “Hey, you ready to go?” John asked when Marissa came to the door.

              “Let me get my purse and shoes. I’m so freaking excited to see this movie!” she squealed, as she searched for her bag.

              “We’ve got to meet Lucian and everyone else in thirty minutes,” he said.  She turned and caught him staring at her behind. 

              “What?  I remembered my panties,” she laughed, pulling down the back of her silver silk skirt with maroon orchids.  It fell to her knees so she knew it wasn’t indecent. 

              “Just enjoying the view,” John’s eyes glimmered with something; Marissa wasn’t quite sure what she saw in them.  “Your button is undone.” His eyes fell to her chest.

              “Shit!  That’s the thing about these button-down shirts; they fit everywhere, but my chest.  It’s so annoying.  I should’ve worn a tank top underneath so I wasn’t giving away the farm,” she said as she buttoned up her matching silver silk shirt, and took one last look in the mirror in the foyer before tossing her copper hair over her shoulder and following John out the door.

              “Nah, that would just leave more clothes for me to take off of you later,” he flirted, arching his eyebrows in suggestion.

              “Dude!  What are you doing?  You know Matthew and I are back together.  Not to mention, he’s visiting next weekend!  What kind of girl do you take me for?” she laughed, and then something he said earlier came blaring through her ears again.

              “Wait,” she paused.  “You said ‘everyone else,’ who is everyone
else
?” Marissa asked, suddenly nervous.

              “You know, Lucian, Melissa, Beau and both Taylors… my friends… They wouldn’t miss this movie for anything,” he answered like it was the stupidest question she’d ever asked.  She tried to swallow down the lump in her throat, because they were the last people she wanted to see this movie with.  Her face must’ve gone pale, because John doubled back to grab her hand.

              “It’ll be okay, I promise.  We aren’t together, so they won’t give you a hard time,” he tried to assure her, but Marissa just focused on the fact that they’d be fine, because she and John weren’t together.  She rolled her eyes at the thought and continued her walk to the car.

              “Fine, but you need to sit on one side of me and Lucian needs to sit on the other.  I really don’t want to actually talk to them,” she rushed, trying to catch her breath from the revelation as she eased into John’s boat of a car.
‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!  Why didn’t I find out who else was coming before I agreed?’

              Marissa’s history with John’s friends aside from Lucian was shaky, at best.  They had visions of who they thought she was and they kept it locked in a vault in their head, never giving her the benefit of the doubt, or attempting to get to know who she
actually
was.  One mistake at fifteen had colored their entire perception of what they thought she stood for, and they didn’t even know what had
really
happened that night.  She always felt like she was under a microscope when she spent time with them and they always made snarky comments at her expense.  She tried hard not to let it bother her, or tell them her side of what happened, because they didn’t care and wouldn’t listen anyway. 

Lucian was the only one who took the time to talk to her.  Marissa’s abdomen started to ache at the thought of spending the next few hours with them.  She felt like her stomach was being wrung out like a wash cloth.  She knew she lived rent-free in their brains, but she didn’t want to admit that sometimes, they lived rent-free in hers, too. 
‘Thank goodness we are going to a movie!  I won’t actually have to interact with them!’
Marissa was thankful for small victories, and the pain eased, but only slightly, as John pulled into the theatre parking lot.

Marissa gave John the cash for her ticket and ran to Lucian.  Lucian was towered over her at six-foot-three to her five-foot-seven, but he was the embodiment of tall, dark and handsome.  His black hair shone under the lights outside the theatre and his dark brown eyes glittered when they saw her coming toward him.  A grin spread across his face and he started to jog to meet Marissa half way.  He engulfed her in a bear hug.

“Lucian!  I haven’t seen you in forever!  We need to make plans to hang out, soon!” Marissa gushed into his chest. 

“Hey, doll! I missed you, too.  Flagstaff was okay, but I’m glad to be back here,” she looked up at his grinning face.  Lucian Harris was Marissa’s best, strictly platonic guy friend.  He was gorgeous and involved with someone.  Not to mention, Marissa valued Lucian’s friendship above nearly everything, and his tendency to loathe his exes and not remain friends with them had made sure she would never cross the line with him. 

“Got our tickets,” John said from behind her, forcing her to stop hugging Lucian.

“Great!” she said, pulling away to face John.

“Well, well, well, Marissa.  I was expecting a movie, but I didn’t think I’d see a show, too,” a voice said from beside her and she froze- one of the Taylors, the tall, skinny one that she called ST, or skinny Taylor in her mind, because the other Taylor was much shorter and definitely more plump.  She looked at him and saw him looking down at her chest, a disgusted look on his well groomed face.

“Shit!  I knew I should’ve worn a shirt under this!” She cursed as she turned her back to button her shirt, again, glaring in John’s direction.  Turning back to face the group again, she saw Beau giving her a look that said he wasn’t thinking about anything appropriate, while his girlfriend, Melissa, stood beside him, staring daggers through Marissa.  ST was standing his usual pretentious way, leaning back on his heels, so he could gaze down his nose at her, while the other Taylor was deep in conversation with John about something comic book related.

“Shall we go?” ST snorted at the group and waved his hand to indicate that everyone should fall in behind him and sauntered toward the door to the theatre.  His slender hips setting their own rhythm as he tossed his black hair back before letting John open the door for the group, his thin lips pursed.

“Ignore him, he’s in a mood tonight,” Lucian whispered in her ear.

“I’m sure he’s
thrilled
I was invited.  I know how much he
loves
me,” Marissa scoffed.
‘This is going to be the longest movie of my life!’
She looked toward the heavens for some guidance as she crossed the threshold into the lobby, grateful that Lucian was there to act as a buffer, because she knew John would never come to her rescue with his friends. 

As if on cue, she saw ST pull John behind her and loudly whisper, “What did you bring her for? Aren’t you afraid to get something?” Marissa felt Lucian’s arm slide around her waist in support.

“It’s just a movie, Taylor, besides we’re practically neighbors and we aren’t doing anything, believe me,” John snorted as if touching her were the furthest thing from his mind and repulsive to him.  Marissa sighed at the thought that she was right, as usual and put her head to Lucian’s shoulder as they found their way into their theatre.

“Thanks for being here,” she whispered to Lucian after they found their seats.

“No problem.  You are an amazing person.  I don’t understand how they don’t see it,” he smiled.

CHAPTER 3

December 1999

              “Okay, Marissa, the final is curved.  Can you miss a few on purpose?” One of her classmates asked as they walked into their Chemistry final the following month.

              “Seriously?” she asked to a chorus of nodding heads.  “I’m not making any promises, but I’ll do what I can.” She rolled her eyes in response.

              “That’s all we ask,” John said.

              “You, too?! Come on!  I’m not going to throw the test, but he said it was going to be much more difficult than the normal tests.”  The grumbles came as if on cue, but their professor entered before anyone had a chance to continue their request.

              “Pencils out, desk clear,” he announced and began handing out thick test packages.  “Good luck!”

              Two hours later, the class reconvened in the science lab to get their grades.  It was much faster than most classes, but their professor was leaving for break by five o’clock and had made it perfectly clear that if they wanted to know how they did, they’d stick around.

              “Marissa set the curve,” her professor started, pausing for the groans that erupted on all sides of her, “at a seventy-nine.”

              Marissa felt the class collectively sigh as a line formed for people to get their final grades for the class.  She felt several pats on her back in thanks, but she was deep in thought about the ‘C’ she would’ve gotten if the test hadn’t been curved.

              “Don’t worry about it, Marissa,” she looked up to find only John and her professor remaining in the classroom.

              “What?” she asked for clarification.

              “I know you expected a higher grade, but you did a great job.  You are going to make a great chemist,” her professor smiled.  “You got the highest grade in the class, overall, too.  Be proud.”  Marissa grinned at the revelation.

              “Thank you,” she said, sliding off her stool and followed John to the door before turning back.  “Have a great holiday.”

              “You, too, Marissa, John,” he nodded to her then John.

              “How’d you do?” Marissa dared to ask once she and John were in the courtyard.

              “Flunked,” he frowned.

              “I’m sorry!  How?!”

              “I just don’t get chemistry.  I have to take it again next semester.  You’ll help again, right?”

              “Of course, but it doesn’t seem like I did well this time,” Marissa said, perplexed.

              “I didn’t flunk, I got a D, but I need a C.  I would’ve gotten an F if you hadn’t been there,” he offered.

              “You might’ve gotten a C if you’d turned in that homework you decided to blow off,” she said.

              “Too late now, isn’t it?” he shrugged.

              “Fine.  I’ll help you.  Should I help you over break so you get a head start?”

              “I was hoping you’d say that.  Aren’t you going to visit Matthew?” John grinned.

              “I just saw him at Thanksgiving, but he’s going out of town during break for a bit, so I’m going to see him after the New Year,” Marissa explained.  “So, we’re free to study when I’m not working.  Winter visitors means the parlor is giving me full time hours over break, some morning shifts, too.”

              “Oh yes, those Minnesotans love their ice cream in December!”

              “When it’s seventy degrees and mostly sunny, can you blame them?  It’s only too cold to us desert dwellers.  I only wish they drove as quickly as they expect service to be…”

              “It’s the same at the grocery store!” John laughed.

              “So, I’ll let you know my schedule and we’ll work something out?”

              “Sounds good!”

**

              “Marissa!  Jared!  Wake up!” Marissa heard her mom calling them from the hallway three days after Christmas.  She rolled over and caught a glimpse of her alarm clock.  Four twenty-three in the morning.  Slowly, she got up and shook her head before trudging to meet her brother and mom in the hall.

              “What’s up, mom?” Jared asked, tired and half-asleep.

              “Your Aunt Carla was in an accident this morning,” her mom started.

              “Is she okay?” Marissa asked, knowing she wasn’t, otherwise she wouldn’t be woken up so early.

              “She’s gone,” her mom almost whispered the last word.

              “Where’s dad?” Jared asked.

              “He’s on his way home right now.”

              Marissa felt the walls start to close in on her and she sought refuge in her bedroom.  Her dad’s temper only got worse after his dad died.  She didn’t know what to expect now that the sister who always took care of him was gone, too.  Pain started to shoot from Marissa’s stomach and she crumbled to the floor into a ball.  Tears started to spill from her until she was sobbing uncontrollably. 

              She cried for her aunt, her cousins, her grandma, but mostly, she cried for her dad.  She prayed, to whom she didn’t know, but she prayed for him to get through this without going nuclear on everyone.  She prayed for mercy, if he were to lose his temper over smaller and smaller things.  She prayed to find a way to get out of the house sooner, rather than later.