Love, But Never (2 page)

“You realize you are
never
going to pass this class, right?” Marissa said before kissing him, not caring that someone had just walked into the lounge again.

“I know,” he answered, catching his breath.  “Are you and Matthew getting back together, or is this just a visit?” he asked, serious again.

“Right now?  It’s just a visit.  I don’t know what he’s thinking about us.  I’m sure there will be some kissing though.  I mean, with only having another seven or eight months before I’m gone, I’m sure that’s part of why he wants to see me.”

“Do you think he’s still in love with you? More importantly, how do you feel about him?” John quizzed.

“Why does this matter so much, suddenly?  You knew we were sort of together off and on since last summer.  And we don’t say I love you, you know that.  I adore him and he adores me,” she said, holding up her left hand to wave the turquoise ring with a turtle on her middle finger.  “I still wear the ring he gave me for our one week-iversary and it’s been nearly a year and a half.”

Click!
  John turned on her the second the lounge was empty again.

“Is this because you are afraid to put yourself out there for someone closer?  I mean, it’s easy to pretend to love someone who is too far away to be a real threat to your heart.  Then it’s okay to turn down people who are in danger of making you feel something more,” John spat, then took a deep breath before changing course,  “I mean, wouldn’t your parents be happy if you didn’t leave in May?”

“What the hell, John?  I’m not afraid to date someone closer to me.  I just don’t trust easily.  I’ve put too much trust in some people and I’ve gotten burned.  Plus, I think my parents are looking forward to me leaving as much as I’m looking forward to leaving.”

“You trust me, don’t you?  What more do you need?  Besides, you give yourself away too easily.  I mean, you may still, technically, be a virgin, but you are entirely too generous with your affection,” he sneered, implying what she already knew John’s friends thought of her.

“
Technically?!
There is nothing technical about my virginity,” Marissa defended.

“Beau? Or have you forgotten?” he sighed.

“I haven’t forgotten anything. 
That
never happened.”

“Sure it didn’t, Marissa,” John rolled his eyes.

“John,” she started, shifting so he had to look into her eyes, “have I
ever
let you touch me there?”

“No, but I just figured it was because you snapped your legs shut in response to the reputation,” he shrugged.

Marissa sighed, and put her forehead against his and placed her hands on either side of his face so he couldn’t escape the pain in her eyes, “I don’t
let
anyone touch me there, ever.”

John pulled away from her and started, “But Beau said-”

“I’m not going to sit here and listen to this much longer.  You are supposed to be my friend here,” she pleaded.

Creak.
A small group of girls walked into the room loudly as John eyed Marissa warily.

“Fine.  I’m just trying to help, but I see denial is where we are right now,” he sighed.

“I wouldn’t say that, but okay,” she said in relief.

“You guys are going to do the long-long distance thing, aren’t you?  After you leave?” John said, but didn’t really ask, not quite letting it go completely.

“No,” she said, firmly, her blue eyes piercing daggers into his. “I adore Matthew, but we are both so young and we aren’t naïve to think this is it for either of us.  We live without each other most of the time, so we know we could without it being too painful.  We agreed that living two hours away was already hard enough and that once we left the state, regardless of what we might still feel for each other, we are free to see other people and get serious with them.”

“Are you free to do that now?  Cause you’re still letting me kiss you?” John asked, finally, and thankfully changing the subject.

“I am until I see what this weekend has in store,” Marissa smiled, as John took the hint to move in again.

**

“You know that dad and I would prefer you to not go, right?” Marissa’s mom, Leandra, said, pulling her in for a hug.

“I know, mom, but I want to, I feel like I need to.  It’s been a year.  I miss him,” Marissa swatted away her mom’s unruly curls of chocolate brown hair.

“I know, and if you weren’t over eighteen, you wouldn’t be going.  I’m afraid for you.  I don’t want to see you give up your future, like I did.  There is too much at stake,” Leandra pulled away from her daughter and looked at her warily with her green eyes.

“I’m not fifteen, mother,” she spat, “I think I’ll be fine.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”  The hurt in her mother’s eyes at her words was evident.

Marissa took a deep breath and went back to packing her bag for the weekend.  “I’m not going to get pregnant,” she sighed.

“How do you know?” her mother hissed at her.

“Because we aren’t having sex, mother!  You know I’m still a virgin and plan to stay that way for a little while longer.”

“Only a little while?”  Leandra pried.  “Why can’t you get together with John?  Your dad loves him and they get along so well.”

“John and I are friends.  I don’t get that warm and tingly feeling in my belly for him,” Marissa shrugged.

“Sometimes that passion is overrated and can get you into trouble.  Stability is more important than feelings, honey, remember that.  Your dad and I, we had passion like lightning that sizzled and popped…now look at us.”

“MARISSA LYNN MASTERSON!  GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!” They both jumped at her father’s voice from the living room.  They scrambled to see what he was yelling about.

“Hey, dad,” Marissa cowered near the hallway from the living room.

“You aren’t going to visit Matthew this weekend.  That kitchen is disgusting and look at this floor!” he roared, pointing to the living room carpet.

“I’m not leaving for another couple of hours, I planned to finish the kitchen before then, but the living room is Jared’s job,” she said, but even as the words left her mouth, she knew she’d made a mistake.

“I don’t care if it’s Jared’s job.  It didn’t get done.  You’re the oldest, so you need to make sure it gets done, even if you have to do it yourself!”

Marissa took a deep breath and tried to blink back the tears that were stinging her eyes.  She didn’t want to give her father the satisfaction of seeing her cry, yet again, at just his words.  Marissa tried to release her breath slowly and controlled, but it came out in an unintended huff.

“What was that?” her dad asked.

“Nothing,” she said quickly, but he was already in her face.  He pushed her back against the wall in the hallway.  Even though it happened before she could react, it felt like it was occurring in slow motion.  Finally, because there was no escape, the tears she’d been holding back cascaded down her face.

“Don’t you dare pull that attitude with me, you aren’t too old for me to punish!” he yelled as his sharp finger stabbed her at the top of her breast bone hard, making her wish she
could
disappear into the wall, his brown eyes flashing with fury.  She winced at the sharp pain on her sternum as he continued to push her, emphasizing his words and threats.

“I know, dad,” she whimpered, trying to stop the tears from flowing, but only succeeding in making her words come out in gasps between sobs, “I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, I promise.  I’ll get everything done before I go.”   She held her arms up in submission.  This was enough for him to back off, but as he walked away, but her pride wouldn’t let her forget to add: “But I
am
going.”  She heard him growl, but he didn’t look at her as he stalked to his chair and sat down.  She stood a little bit taller, wiped the tears from her face, and headed toward the kitchen.

“As long as it’s done,” he growled in agreement, “but you aren’t taking that truck.  And you need to stop crying, it’s ridiculous.” 

‘He just couldn’t resist one more jab to make sure I knew he was still in charge,’
she thought, swallowing the lump in her throat.  Marissa wished more than anything that she made more than five dollars and fifty cents an hour at the ice cream parlor so she could move out, but her weekly paychecks only allowed her to pay for school and her truck.  She felt helpless to get out of what she knew was a bad situation that was only getting worse as he felt his control over his daughter slipping away from him.

**

Marissa put the last dish in the dishwasher and started it up.  She turned to take one last look at the now, spotless kitchen, before double checking that the living room was in order, too. 

“Alright, mom, I’m off to the bus station!” she yelled as she grabbed her overnight bag from the foyer.

“Wait a minute, Marissa!” her mom said, scurrying from her bedroom and picking up her purse and keys. “Dad wants me to drop you off at the bus station so he knows you didn’t take your truck.”

“Really?!  Like I have seventy dollars to waste on a bus ticket just to turn around and pay for gas in my truck?” Marissa growled but followed her mother to her car, grateful that her dad had left to go to the shooting range after his earlier tirade.

“I know, honey, but that’s just the way he is.  You’d be much happier if you didn’t try to fight him and provoke him all the time,” her mom tried to soothe her with platitudes about how her dad loves her, but is just protective.  Her mother’s words from earlier started swimming in her head:

‘Passion like lightning…’
Maybe the answer was safety over passion.  Maybe she’d be able to gain her independence and control over her life if she never allowed herself to succumb to passion.  Was there anything in her life that made her feel more in control than being wanted?  Knowing the effect she had on guys, but knowing that they didn’t affect her in the same way made her heart feel safe.  Marissa aimed to keep it that way.

“I know how he is, mom, but I’m a legal adult and he still treats me like I’m in the sixth grade.  And not in a ‘you’ll always be my little girl’ way,” Marissa choked back her tears as she thought about her new mantra:
Love, but never fall in love.
  The bricks were already stacked around her heart, but she began to add steel and barbed wire so that she could keep everyone out.  She knew keeping her heart protected was the only way to be more than just a scared housewife.  Marissa didn’t want to be like her mother, too afraid to be her own person, too afraid to disappear into someone else’s shadow.

Her mom didn’t say anything when they pulled up outside of the bus station; instead she just looked at Marissa with a pained expression that she couldn’t place.

“Mom, you don’t need to worry, I’ll call you as soon as we get to Matthew’s house.  I promise.  I hope dad isn’t too hard on you this weekend, and I’m sorry if my leaving for forty-eight hours causes any problems,” Marissa reasoned, softly.

“Just be careful,” her mom looked down at her hands before turning to hug Marissa across the center console.

“I will,” Marissa answered, breaking the hug and picking up her bag and tickets before leaving the car to catch her bus and a moment of freedom.

**

The dirty fall air assaulted Marissa as she stepped off the bus in Benson.  She scanned the parking lot, trying to spot him.  Matthew’s spiked, bleach blonde hair stuck out from the crowd.  Relief flooded through her as she began to relax for the first time since she left her mom at the bus station.

“So this is downtown Benson?” Marissa asked, amused.  “Looks a lot like downtown Apache Junction.”

“Blink and you’ll miss it!” he laughed, taking her bag and pulling her in for a hug.

“What’s the plan for this weekend?” Marissa pulled back from his embrace.

“To be spontaneous!” he answered, lacing his fingers through hers, before pulling her towards his light brown Toyota hatchback.

“Okay.” He opened her door for her.

“First, we are headed to the cemetery,” he said, sliding into the car next to her.

“Okay?” she replied, confused.

“It’s the only place to kind of be alone with you, where I know we won’t run into Kristy,” he shrugged.  “This is a very small town.”

“Okay.” Marissa stiffened at the mention of Kristy’s name.  She was the girl Matthew was dating when they met the previous summer. 

“She really doesn’t want to kick your ass, I promise.  She’s moved on.”

“Okay,” Marissa said, giving him a doubtful glance.  Marissa was all arms and legs, with no muscle, Kristy could take her, easily.

“Is that all you are going to say?” Matthew chuckled.

“Okay!” Marissa grinned, as Matthew turned into the cemetery. “So if she doesn’t want to kill me for my thievery, why do we need to hide with the dead?”

“We don’t, but there is something I want to show you.”

Taking her hand, he led her up a hill to a Palo Verde tree in the middle of the cemetery.

“See?” He moved his hands as if he were opening a new store.

“Wow!  It’s really beautiful and peaceful.” She took in the view of the mountains in the distance, and the crystal clear blue sky above them.  “I can see why people want to be buried here.”

As she looked around, in awe, she felt his arm around her waist, pulling her to look into his soft brown eyes.  He kissed her softly on the lips, like he was afraid she might push him away.  She let out a soft moan as her body shivered against his touch and she deepened his kiss.  John’s kisses didn’t make her feel like this on her best day.  She wondered why, but this kiss with Matthew wiped away everything that had happened before she got on that bus. 
Love, but never fall in love,
Marissa repeated in her head, knowing it wasn’t necessary with Matthew, but it felt good, nonetheless.

“God, I missed you,” she pulled away, breathless, leaning her forehead against his. 

“I adore you, Marissa,” he whispered.

“Ditto,” Marissa smiled at their personal words of endearment. 

“Alright,” he started, grabbing her hand. “Shall I give you a tour of this tiny town or should we just find the nearest bedroom?” He chuckled.