Love Exactly (13 page)

“Your band has been together for a long time…?” Mom asked with her eyes still watching me.

“It’s a miracle; honestly, we’ve been together for about fourteen years, since I was sixteen.”

Mom choked on her pancakes a little as she did the math in her head. It was math I never bothered to do myself. It meant he was seven years older than me, which in the scope of things wasn’t bad. It was the fact he was thirty that was going through my mom’s head as she looked up at him. He didn’t look it.

“Most bands don’t last over five years. That’s quite an accomplishment, plus how many Grammy’s have you received?”

Evan sighed before answering, “None, actually. We’ve been nominated a few times, but never any Grammy’s. We’re hoping that the CD we’ll be working on next will do it.”

“I just realized that we’re overwhelming you with questions,”
 
Mom interjected. “So sorry!”

Evan wiped his face with his napkin and smiled. “It’s no problem.”

“There’s something I’m curious about,” Mom continued her probing. The way she was looking between us made me drop my fork, but Evan nodded for her to ask, “How long have you been dating?”

Evan smiled over at me. “About eight months.”

It was both my parents’ turns to choke as they echoed, “Really?”

“It’s flown by with all the traveling between here and wherever I’m supposed to be,” Evan explained as he looked between my parent’s and me.

“Yeah.” Mom cleared her throat. “That makes sense.”

I suddenly found my voice, “Why?”

She took a deep breath. “That’s about when I realized we finally had our Emma-bear back.”

I bit my lip and looked away from the table as the tears pricked in my eyes. I felt Evan’s hand find mine underneath the table and squeeze.

“She’s helped me find my passion in music again. It’s a lonely place to be; money and fame sound easy, and it is, but it’s hard when everyone is after that very thing,” Evan commented, and I looked over my shoulder at him.

He smiled and kissed me on my forehead. When I looked at my parents they were both grinning at us.

“I think you two will face whatever challenges you get placed in front of you, and I hope you do,” Dad finally said with a nod of his head.

“That means a lot to me,” Evan replied; “to both of us.”

“Anything that gives our daughter her soul back is worth it.”

The rest of breakfast was spent explaining what happened over the first months of our relationship and talking about my childhood. I cringed at some of the things my parents said, but the smile on Evan’s face was worth it. He even divulged some embarrassing truths about him as he grew up that left me in fits of laughter.

My parents didn’t disturb Evan and I the next day, and I figured it was because they knew he would be leaving soon. Sometimes it felt like he was always leaving soon. I knew my mom wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity to ask me a thousand questions about him as soon as he left, and I was trying hard to not wallow in my self-pity. It was hard, though, because I knew I wouldn’t hear from Evan for at least another week. He texted me when he landed, and I was already counting down the days until he would land in Connecticut again. I sighed and dipped my feet deeper into the muddy edge of the lake. The heat of the summer was finally here, and I could feel the sweat beading down my back as I lifted my face towards the warm sun. Even with my eyes closed I knew there was a shadow blocking out the sun and instinct told me exactly who it was.

“Mom, you’re in my way,” I huffed without opening my eyes.

I felt her slip my sunglasses over my face. “No point in going blind. It’d be a pity if you couldn’t see Evan’s gorgeous body again.”

I opened my eyes and rolled them at her even though I knew she couldn’t see it. I suddenly felt like a teenager.

She sat down beside me and placed her head on my shoulder. “So…”

“So?”

“You’re dating a rock god…I mean—you didn’t think we should know?” Mom mocked sadness as she pouted at me.

“I thought it might make Dad have a heart attack,” I replied, pushing her away with a light shove.

“Well, you could have told
me
,” she retorted as she dipped her feet in as well. She made a face as the mud squished up between her toes and clouded the water.

“I suppose I could have, but that’s one of the benefits of being an adult—I don’t have to,” I teased back.

She narrowed her eyes at me before continuing, “How did you meet him?”

“I rammed into him and spilt coffee all over the place…so he offered to buy me a real cup across the street,” I explained with a shrug.

“Meeting a famous musician was never that easy in my day,” Mom muttered with a smile. “So how are you coming to terms with it?”

“With what?”

“The rock holiness and all,” she answered, her brow furrowed as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet.

I picked up a pebble and thrust it into the water. “I’m having more trouble coming to terms with the drool that was dribbling down your chin when you met him.”

She covered her mouth in shock. “Who me?”

“Tattoos are nice,” I mocked her.

She answered with a shrug. “They are on him.”

“Believe me, I know.”

She put her hand on my knee, and I knew the mood had changed to a serious one.

“I’m sorry I ever insinuated he would be anything like…Eric,” she said.

“I know when I’m stressed I don’t act normal, and believe me I know this relationship is anything but normal—or easy…but it’s worth it. It really is.”

I looked up at her mocha eyes framed by her gray hair and she smiled at me with a nod of her head.

“I can see that…but you have to understand why those signs scare us. We didn’t know before; you didn’t tell us. I still can’t understand how it all happened so quickly—how everything went bad in an instant. One moment you were a normal teenager, and the next moment—” her voice broke, and I knew she wouldn’t continue.

“I can’t apologize enough, Mom. You know that.”

 
“What are you apologizing for, mhmm? You’ve never had to apologize to us for what happened. We’re sorry we didn’t see the signs…and I’m sorry that now I look for them even more. Your father and I misread this one. Evan is a great person,” she explained, taking a deep breath before continuing, “We can see how happy you are—just don’t let the stress of this kind of serious long distance relationship get to you so much. Evan wouldn’t be happy if he knew it was stressing you out so much that you weren’t eating.”

I bit my lip. “It’s not Evan—or this stress. I can handle him being away. I’ve been alone for long enough that it doesn’t bug me,” I looked at her face and rushed the rest of the sentence because she didn’t look like she believed me. Before I knew it the words were tumbling out of my mouth, “Its Eric who’s the problem.”

Mom’s head shot back in surprise. “What about
him
?” she hissed.

“Evan kind of punched his lights out a bit…and then it just brought everything rushing back to the surface and Evan convinced me to write again. You know the reason I stopped was Eric. I’m scared I’m not good at it anymore,” I admitted.

She took a deep breath and put her arm around my shoulder. It was a quick squeeze, because we were both sweating a bit more than was comfortable.

“I think you can do it.”

“I just know Evan will want me to publish it once I’m done.”

“Do you think that’s a bad thing?” Mom suggested.

“I don’t want to disappoint Evan if it sucks and can never be published.”

She started to stand, and then held her hand out to help me up. “I doubt that will happen, just keep writing it. When you finish Evan will be just as proud as we are of you. Now, I think we should head to our favorite ice cream shack?”

I nodded and she stuck her arm in mine. “Dad’s going to be very grateful for this—he’s been begging me for a heath bar crunch sundae for days!”

My laughter mixed with my mom’s, but in the back of my head all I could wonder was if she was correct. I wanted to be able to publish my novel—I just wondered if it was something that Eric had taken away from me forever. I wondered if the passion that would allow me to have the strength to publish was lost forever in the abyss that was those bruises and cruel words. The irony was that words that were useless were keeping me from healing my fractured soul with words that mattered.

When Evan returned from the tour the break that the band had scheduled never happened. Instead the recording of the album was switched from the West Coast to the East Coast and was crammed into a month long session at a Boston recording studio Evan had rented. It meant I was seeing him on the weekends when they took breaks, but he was also stressed and tired. They wanted the album to be out in time for them to qualify for Grammy nominations and were willing to sacrifice time with their families for Evan. Paul explained to me it was because they had been doing this for years on their terms because Evan never had anyone else, and now that he did they wanted to give him a chance to do it on his terms and that meant Boston.

As I slipped on my favorite ballet flats I heard the engine of the Audi Evan had rented this time. It seemed louder than it had last Friday, so when I went to the front door and saw it was anything but his typical Audi, I was in shock. I wasn’t even sure what it was, but when I saw Evan already leaning against the hood, I couldn’t help the smile on my face. His whole composure showed he was anxious; his angry veins were bulging and his shoulders were tense.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him.

His hands slid into mine as he pulled away. “Nothing, nothing at all.”

“I’m not sure I believe you,” I said with a shake of my head as I looked at the blue-green circles from lack of sleep beneath his eyes.

“We finished the album—everything…all the songs are done and we picked all the cover art and promotional art,” he explained, the smile on his face creased his cheeks in small dimples.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why are you acting so suspicious?”

He shrugged before nodding over his shoulder and saying, “I’ve got somewhere special I want to go. It’s in Boston, though, are you up for the drive?”

“Sure, why not?”

We spent most of the drive talking about the new album and the tour it would take the band on. The idea made me sick to my stomach because this tour was even bigger than the last one he had been on, and the shows were scheduled much tighter together. It didn’t seem we would be seeing each other much at all, and I had gotten used to seeing him while they recorded the album. Evan was avoiding my questions about the songs and the artwork they had chosen from the album, and his tapping of his thumb against the steering wheel to an imagined beat only got stronger when I pushed for more answers. I gave up about half-way through the drive.

“So how’s that new novel going?” Evan asked.

I looked over at him and smiled. “I finished the first draft last night.”

“Really?”

I nodded and he leaned over to kiss my cheek. “That’s amazing!”

“I guess it’s a good thing we were both busy.”

“What’s it about?” he pushed, and I felt my chest tighten at the thought of trying to explain it.

“I don’t really know how to describe it.”

He looked over, his forehead wrinkling as his brows darkened his eyes. “Isn’t that what the back of the book does?”

“It’s a young adult romance…it takes place after the fall of the government. I guess it’s kind of like a futuristic Romeo and Juliet,” I explained, my knuckles white at being forced to answer.

Evan sighed. “Why don’t you want me to know about it?”

“It’s not that—”

“Really? Because it sure as hell feels like it.”

“Evan, come on…I just started writing again. It’s like learning to walk—”

“No, it’s like riding a bike. You don’t forget. You stop for a while and then the next time you get back on it’s the same,” he accused as he cut me off.

“Seriously?” I hissed at him, crossing my arms.

“Oh, there you go with that angry chin of yours,” he teased, jutting his chin out in imitation.

I turned my back to him and looked out the window.

“You’re an ass,” I muttered under my breath.

“No. I’m not letting you make excuses anymore,” he retorted, and I felt his free hand rub my back. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I just want you to be confident in what you do—you’re a great writer.”

“How do you know?” I snapped back. “You haven’t read anything I’ve written.”

“I’ve read your newspaper articles.”

“It’s not the same, and you know it.”

“Come on, Em…I know you are. I don’t need to read it to know it.”

I closed my eyes before replying, “Just don’t push me so much.”

“Who else is going to?”

Silence filled the car as I listened to its engine drone at the steady speed of the highway.

“I’m sorry that I’m so uncomfortable sharing it with you,” I explained, back still turned.

“How will you publish it then?”

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“What?” Evan’s voice pitched as he responded, and it was obvious he was upset as his hand moved from my back.

“What are you so scared of? And…” Evan’s words drifted off as it cracked. “Why can’t I fix it?”

“You can’t fix everything that’s broken about me,” I replied without thinking. The words sounded too harsh, and when I turned to look at him his eyes were staring at the road blank—void but hurt. “Evan—”

He shook his head. “I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t think you’re broken. That’s all on you. I’m just trying to show you the only one standing in your way is
you.
”

His words were said in softness, but the harshness of their truth sank in.

“I’ll think about it.”

Evan didn’t reply as he drove into the recording studio parking lot and shut the car off.

“I don’t want to fight. That wasn’t the point…I’ve just seen a lot of people that have talent they waste, and I don’t want that to be you. I know you’ll regret it,” Evan explained as he reached for my hands.

“Okay,” was my reply.

“Come on…I want you to hear this song I wrote.” Evan nodded towards the building before getting out of the car. He slid his hand into mine as we walked toward the dimly lit studio.

“Should we be here this late?” I asked as I watched him dig in his pocket for a key.

“I can come any time I like,” he explained, smirking.

I rolled my eyes. “What are you famous or something?”

He chuckled to himself as he opened the door and entered a code into the alarm panel. He didn’t bother to turn on any of the lights as we navigated our way through the studio. He opened a door at the end of the hall, and I was greeted by an array of panels and buttons that I had no idea how anyone could ever memorize.

“Holy crap,” I commented.

Evan pointed to one button. “All you need to do is press that button when I nod my head.”

“I’ll break it!” I responded as he patted the chair for me to sit.

“I doubt it.” He winked at me and slipped out the door on the other side of the room, flicking on a light switch as he went.

I turned to the area in front of me, which was now a lit room, visible to me by the Plexiglas that separated us. Evan slipped a set of headphones on and stood in front of the microphone before nodding at me. I shook my head at him and he pointed down at the button someone had stuck a sticker on that said
Press Me.
He had obviously planned this well. I stuck my tongue out at him before I plopped in the chair and pressed the button.

Evan tapped his hand against his thigh and moved his head with the beat as the music began to play. When he started to sing he closed his eyes, his emotions flowing with the clarity of his voice, and I was in a trance as I listened to the words he sang.

When the song ended I was sitting on the edge of the seat with my head in my hands as I stared at him in wonder. The words were still sinking in, and I knew they were about me. He looked up at me; his lips in a frown before he hung the headphones back up and came back into the room.

I turned my chair to face him as he sat down in one across from me. He looked at me through his eyebrows.

“The producer thinks it will win us a Grammy,” he said and his voice was strained as he studied my face.

“I’m sure it will…but why would you write something about me?” I shook my head at him.

“I think you would know by now,” he answered, and the frown was still there.

I reached out and ran my finger over the stars on his hand. “It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.”

He looked down at his hands as the tension was released with a laugh and he shook his head, a soft smile coming to his lips, highlighting his dimples.

“Hearing that from you makes all the difference,” he shrugged, the easy smile still on his face. “Somehow now that I have you nothing anyone else says matters.”

“Why? I don’t know anything about music.”

He took my hands in his and kissed them, looking up at me through his eyebrows as he said, “Even if that were true—you know everything about me.”

“I doubt I know everything,” I answered, my voice caught in my throat as he held my face and ran his thumb across my lips.

“You know everything that matters,” he whispered as he leaned forward to place his lips on mine.

I let his lips flow over mine and down my neck as he pulled me into his lap.

“Aren’t there cameras in here?” I just managed to say.

I could feel his smile against my lips as he used his feet to roll the chair back before taking one of his hands off my face and flicking the light switch.

“Better?” he asked as his lips left mine for a moment before finding the curve of my neck.

“Mhmm,” I managed to gasp out as his hands ran over the skin of my arms and sent my nerves on fire before slipping under my shirt.

Finding our clothes in the dark was harder than either of us thought it might be. Actually, neither of us had thought anything through.

“I hope you don’t end up in my pants,” I giggled as I felt around on the floor.

Evan chuckled to himself, and I knew what he was thinking.

“I think this is yours,” he commented, handing me my bra.

“Yeah, I don’t remember you wearing one,” I teased as I grabbed it and pulled it on.

“We need some light,” Evan cursed as he slammed his head into the wall.

“If we could find your pants you could use your cell phone.”

“Ha-ha,” was Evan’s reply.

“Found them!” I rejoiced. I pulled his cell phone out and lit the floor around me.

“Can I have them then?” he asked, and I flashed the camera over him. “Hey!”

I smirked as he covered himself with his hands.

“It was your idea,” I retorted, throwing him his pants.

“Yeah, it was all
my
fault.”

I found my jeans and pulled them on before searching for my t-shirt. When I found it I flicked on the light switch to find Evan on his hands and knees only inches from his button-up. I put my hands on my hips.

“Takes you longer to get dressed than me,” I joked.

He stood, shaking his head and pulled the shirt on.

“That’s a first,” he snapped with a smile as he pushed his collar down and started buttoning the shirt. He stopped when he saw my face had gone red, “What’s wrong?”

“Does the camera have sound?”

Evan burst into laughter. “I have no idea—honestly, I don’t even know if there’s a camera in here.”

“Great,” I muttered, and I could feel the heat flowing down from my cheeks to my chest.

“I’ll check with Bruce in the morning and make sure if it is that I get the tape, okay?” He walked forward and rested his hand on my collarbones.

“Promise?” I choked out.

He kissed my forehead. “I promise.”

“Was there anything else you needed to show me?” I asked as I stared up at the poster I had just noticed behind him.

Evan turned so he was standing next to me. “What do you think?”

I couldn’t help but shake my head in disbelief as I looked at a photograph of him sitting on a desk with the blackboard behind him, his head in one of his hands as he stared at the camera. He had the dark look he sometimes got in his eyes, and the blackboard had been photoshopped to be the one after he had written ‘
What is love, exactly?
’ In the corner there was a fake sticker that said ‘Featuring the hit single
Love Exactly
’.

“Is that the song you just sang?” I whispered as I pointed, dumbfounded, at the poster.

Evan wrapped his arms around me and tucked his head into my shoulder. “Yes.”

“I get a copy of that poster, right?”

Evan laughed. “Of course.”

“This is crazy,” I mumbled to myself.

“No, it’s what your photography deserves.”

I kept shaking my head, and Evan pulled on my shoulders so I was facing him.

“Are you going to be okay?”

I nodded and he smiled. “Good because I’m hungry. I was thinking sushi?”

My stomach growled in agreement. “Can I see the rest of the album leaflet?”