Love Is Louder (24 page)

The knock at the front door comes around nine-thirty after I tuck Lily into bed, and I’m ready to head home. This is my night off from the Bull and Bear. Cindy is doing me a favor and managing the bar for me tonight. I quizzically look over at Mom reading on her Kindle and ask, “Were you expecting someone?” Before she answers, I get up from the couch and cross the living room to the front door.

“No, not at this time.”

I swing open the door and turn on the porch light. My eyes adjust to the darkness to make out a guy about two inches shorter than me wearing a baseball hat and staring down at his feet so that I’m unable to make out his face.

“Can I help you?”

“Sorry to bother you, but I’m here to see Lily.”

“Who is it, Mason?” My mom calls from the living room.

Who the fuck would be coming around this time looking for my four-year-old niece?

I look over my shoulder and back at my mom. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” I turn my attention back to him.

“Cole.” His name slices through the air like a pickax to my heart.

A chill shoots through my vein as he pulls the hat off his head, unmasking his face with a few days’ scruff, as his black shaggy hair tumbles over his green eyes. He looks beat with dark circles under his eyes, and his T-shirt and jeans are wrinkled like he was sleeping in them. Our eyes connect for this first time in years. I recognize the man that got my sister pregnant and then left her.

“Mom, it’s for me. I’ll be right back,” I reply, trying to keep my voice composed. I quickly slip outside and quietly close the door behind me and shift my attention and growing rage toward Lily’s father. He doesn’t fucking deserve that title. “I know who you are,” I say through clenched teeth, standing eye to eye with him. “You’re the asshole that abandoned my pregnant sister. What the fuck do you want?”

“I want to see Lily.”

My blood boils out of control. I weigh my response, sensing that shit’s about to get tense fast, because I don’t fuck around when it comes to my sister or Lily.

“You think you can fucking show up out of the blue after four fucking years and ask to see my niece?”

“Yeah,” He braces himself, balling his fists at his sides.

“You didn’t even come to her funeral. You think I’m going to let you fucking slip into my niece’s life, just like you slipped out of Meadow’s?”

“No, I wanted to attend Meadow’s funeral, but I knew you hated me after I left her. I figured you’d be fucking pissed, and I didn’t want to make an already hard day fucking harder for everyone. I loved your sister. I did, man. I just...” He lowers his head and sucks in a few deep breaths. “I just wasn’t ready. When she told me she was pregnant, I fucking...” he trails off and looks away. “I was fucking scared.”

“How do you think my sister felt when your sorry ass disappeared?” I vibrated, my attention dropping to my hands as I try to calm myself. “My sister didn’t deserve that. She loved you. I don’t know what the hell she saw in you, but she did.”

“There are things you don’t know about your sister and me.” He shoves his hand into his pocket and shakes his head slightly.

“I don’t want to know what was, man. This is about now, about my niece, and about making sure her life remains the same. No chaos and no bullshit now that you want to show your face. I’ve invested four years of my life to make sure her life is as perfect as it can be. I’m not going to have you come along and fuck it all up.”

“I’m sorry about what I did to your sister, but I’m not here to screw anything up. That’s not what I came back for.”

“How do you know my niece’s name?” I ask, ready to lay his ass out.

“Meadow told me that if she was going to have a girl...” he chokes. “She was going to name her Lily.”

Anger pings around in my chest. My head’s a tilt-a-whirl of thoughts as I try to put this all together. Mom told me this could happen, and here it is. Here
he
is, staring me in the face.

Fuck!
Why fucking now?

“You can’t see her. Not now. Not like this.”

He looks at me through eyes filled with raw, unbridled hurt. I glance over at the car sitting in the driveway and notice someone inside it. I wonder if he dragged his fiancée out here for the festivities, but I don’t give a shit about any of that. I just want this fucker off my mom’s front porch.

“You’re not her father,” he counters. His face twists into a scowl.

“Did you ever think about what it would do to her?”

“Yeah, I thought about it, but she doesn’t need to know who I am. You can say I’m a friend...something. I just need to see her.”

I can’t even believe I’m fucking entertaining this, but I’m thinking about my niece. I pull in a deep breath before I answer in an even tone. “How long are you in town?”

“Indefinitely,” he says, glancing over at the car and back at me. “I got in yesterday, and I’ll be staying with my brother.”

“Well...” I love Lily with every part of my heart, and what I’m about to do is for her. I hope this asshole doesn’t make me regret it. “We’re having her fourth birthday party here. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because you don’t deserve to be in the same room with her. Just know I’m not doing this for fucking you, man. I’m doing this for Lily. She needs to know at some point who her father is. I’m not sure the best way to do this, but this is a start. Just don’t fuck it up or say anything stupid.” I turn to go back inside.

“I just need to talk to her. I won’t fuck this up.”

“I know you won’t, because you’ve got Micah and me to contend with. As far as fathers go, we have filled that role. All she’s known is this family here.” I wave my hand toward the house. “You weren’t part of the plan or her future.” I drive my point home with a cold edge to my voice.

He lowers his head, lacing his fingers behind his head. Silence stretches between us for several moments before Cole’s voice breaks through the still air. “I’m really glad for everything you’ve done.”

“I want Lily to have the best life possible. You’re going to have to prove yourself. You took off as soon as things got tough with my sister. Lily deserves better than that, and she’s gotten that from us. I swear, if you slip up just once, you’re fucking out.”

“I got it, man,” he mutters under his breath as he turns to leave. “July fourth then?”

“Yeah,” I open the door with my eyes still on him, watching as he ambles back to the souped-up black Chevy Impala with silver rims. He’s always had a thing for fucking cars. I just hope someday soon he fucking grows up and learns that being a father takes a lot of work, and it’s not all going to happen overnight. The roar of the car and the crunch of gravel tell me he’s gone and that Lily is safe. I close the door with a soft click and turn toward my mom sitting on the couch and eyeing me.

“You heard?” I ask in a low voice.

“A little bit. Your voice tends to carry when you get a little angry,” she says with a touch of sadness in her voice.

“He’s back. Like you said. He’s back for Lily.”

“I know it hurts you. It hurts me, too. It scares me.” She blinks back tears. “But there’s nothing you can do to stop him from seeing her. Meadow would have wanted this either way.” A ghost of a smile touches her lips at the mention of Meadow as I plop down on the couch next to her.

“I know.”

“What you did took a lot of strength, Mason. You have to understand how he feels.” She places a hand on my arm, her expression melancholy.

“I can’t.” I try to breathe, but the desperation I feel is unbearable. This came completely from left field, and now I have a lot of grass to cover. Things I didn’t think I had to deal with and decisions I need to make are now banging at my door. I shift to look at her and see her eyes glistening with tears.

After a few moments, she says, “I know how much you love her and how happy she makes you, but you don’t know what Cole wants. You giving him the chance to see her is enough for now. I don’t know what else to tell you, baby. I don’t want anything to change; things are perfect right now. She’s happy, and she has everything she needs. Let’s see how things go. When we look back at this, Lily will thank you for letting her meet her father.”

“I hope so.”

After returning home, I grab a beer from the fridge, head outside on the deck, and stare across the backyard, watching as fireflies crisscross in the darkness and crickets fill the air with their raspy symphony. A soft breeze blows through the full leafy trees, rustling quietly above me. This seems like heaven, but God knows after seeing Cole and the possible consequence of his return, my life moving forward is going to be hell.

I debate whether or not to go straight to the Bull and Bear, but I would be completely useless. I could go throw some weights, but gulping this beer right now seems to be doing the job for the moment. I’m not going to tell Micah about my unexpected visitor until tomorrow, because I know he won’t be too happy about it, and I don’t think he’s going to like the fact I invited him to Lily’s birthday party.

I take the momentary distraction of Cole and close my eyes, tired and scared as memories with my dad break into my thoughts.

“Make me proud, Mason. Hit a home run for me.”

His last words ring though my head. He tried to make it to all my little league games, but this night he couldn’t. He left for work that day, never to return home. I waited out front playing catch with Micah to tell him I hit the homerun for him that my team won. Instead, a police cruiser pulled up with red lights flashing. Frightened, with my tiny heart beating like a drum, I ran into the house. When Mom started crying and my aunt came over to watch us so that Mom could leave with the police, I knew something was wrong.

I’d seen my mother go through the gamut of emotions, but this was one of the first times I had witnessed her shed tears. I remember feeling shackled, helpless.

It never hit me that he was gone until a few days later. Mom explained he died in a car accident. When we buried him, I wore my baseball uniform. I carried my baseball and glove and had them buried with him because he loved baseball, and I wanted a piece of me with him.

It took a long time for me to realize that my dad would never come home. The only things that kept me from falling into a downward spiral were my mom and baseball. Every time the frustration started to swell, I’d force my thoughts back to the positive and all the good memories I shared with him.

I feel tight in my skin and my chest aches thinking how life would have been if he had stayed home from work that day. He would be here. He would have seen my homerun.

A new throb immediately starts in my skull. I let my thoughts drift back to my life and the real pressure I’m under. That’s the reason why I feel so strongly about Lily, why I want her to have everything. Lily doesn’t have to lose anymore, and she doesn’t have to cry. I won’t be the one to make her cry. She’s young and won’t understand the seriousness of all of this, but I do, and I need to protect her.

My phone rings, breaking my thoughts. I answer, letting my mom know everything is all right and then making sure Lily is okay.

I need an out, unwilling to succumb to the emotions that tend to rush over me like a goddamn flood when it comes to Lily. Things will work out.

They have to.

I shake my head, disbelieving the bullshit that now has come to take over my life and wreaking chaos in Lily’s.

I can’t think of anything else to do.

Maybe the Bull and Bear is what I need after all.