Love Is Louder (43 page)

My fucking entire world just imploded. Confounded, I grip the arms of the chair and steal furious wisps of stale air.

James Effin Fleming.

I’m beyond pissed. I need a reprieve from all of this shit, but it only gets worse.

What the fuck do I do with this news?

Lowering my head, I rub my hands over my face and don’t hear another word spoken in the courtroom.

My mind slowly recovers when we leave the courthouse. The only person I’m concerned about is Lily. This affects my life, but not as much as it will affect Lily’s and Brie’s. I have to tell Brie, but how the hell do I tell her that her husband may already be a father to my niece?

The first things that greet me when I open my eyes are the hammering in my head and my strange surroundings. As I shoot up in the unfamiliar king-sized mahogany four-poster bed with Mason’s cologne lingering around me, snippets of the previous night come into focus. Closing my eyes, the memory of the kiss we shared, his breath against my lips, and how my skin hummed at his touch invade my mind. There was something intangible in his kiss—a repressed desire he fought off and I know his reasons.

I’ve exposed my brokenness to him, something I haven’t done or shared with another man in a long time, and in turn, he’s given me what I’ve been missing. I never thought I’d find myself in another man’s home, let alone sleeping in his bed as a married woman. I don’t regret where I am. I haven’t been drawn to another man like I’ve been drawn to Mason, whom I barely know, but I trust him.

A sliver of yearning and a pinch of guilt inhabited the same space. He feels that, too. I know it. I sensed him grappling with what was happening between us, his body tensing against mine, the difficulty he had letting me go. He’s aware of my struggle and that I was making a rash and possible destructive decision, and he chose to fight my advances.

My brain throbs, trying to make sense of everything leading up to the events of last night, trying to figure out the truth from the lies. My eyes burn with the vision of my husband fucking another woman. My heart churns with rage and unhappiness, like fire and ice.

This is all too much.

James has destroyed my happiness and everything we should have together. I built my life around him.

There is no winner in this.

No kids. No marriage.

I can’t focus or think about anything else.

I have never been able to deal with the way my chest squeezes after it’s been broken. At this moment, I’m afraid there’s no heart left to break or repair. They say the best way to move on is to let go. I’ve tried that in the past, and it hurts even more, so much more.

Anticipation buzzes through me as my eyes skitter across the room. Throwing myself out from the comfortable bed, I pull back the curtain and find no joy in the sun that streams through the window and warms my skin. I dig my fingers into my hair. I need a break from my racing thoughts, and I know the person to call.

I anxiously pace around his bedroom, really taking in my surroundings. His room smells of him, and everything is in shades of blue, bringing a smile to my face even in my calamitous situation. I should be focusing on what to do about my marriage and my plans going forward, but the idea of it makes the pounding in my head more persistent.

I spot a note with my name on it with a spare key sitting on Mason’s dresser. I don’t know what to make of it. I swallow back my pain, unfold the note and read it. My lungs tighten, and my fingers tremble while tracing over his words.

He’s offering me his place and his friendship, but I’m not sure if I can accept his offer. Not so soon. His intentions are noble, but I’m still connected to a man who’s deceived me. My head is spinning. I want to forget and stop seeing James and Lisa during his moment of betrayal. I drop the note onto the dresser, and with bleary eyes, I locate my purse on the golden hardwood floor and take out my phone and dial Ava’s number. I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel trapped in my own hell.

“Brie?” she answers before the first ring completes.

At the sound of her voice, any emotion I was holding back breaks free. A strangled sound rips from my chest, and fresh tears start to fall as I brace the dresser for support.

“Yes...it’s me.”

“Where are you? Did you get any of my texts or voice mails?” Ava’s frantic voice brings me back down from my cloud of stinging pain. “James showed up here last night looking for you. He looked crazed.”

I can’t speak. It’s become hard to breathe.

“Brie, what’s wrong?” Ava pleads.

I ignore her question and ask her a question of my own, because I want to know how badly James needed to see me and to know that he was and is truly concerned about me. Why I still care how he feels is something I can’t answer. Perhaps I want to know if he can hurt, if he can feel, and if there is something underneath his perfect, impenetrable exterior.

“What did he say?”

“He wanted to know if I talked to you and if you were staying with me,” she replies, a strong note in her voice. “What’s going on between you two?”

“Lisa…I…caught him...with Lisa,” I stutter as the phone shakes in my hand.

There’s a short pause before she fumes, “The fucker cheated on you?”

“Ava, please, I’m so confused. I can’t figure out anything right now.”

“Okay. Calm down. Where are you?”

Tears begin to well in my eyes as I swallow a huge lump in my throat. I need to clear my head, and being here at Mason’s place will thwart my progress, or will it? Could he be the one I need? My heart clamors. No, this is what happens when I suffer this kind of betrayal in a relationship. I don’t think things through. I’ll do something irrational that will only end up confusing and hurting me more. I need to leave.

“I couldn’t get a hold of you, so I called Mason.”

There’s a moment of quiet as Ava soaks it all in.

“What? How? Wh—”

“Please,” I cut her off. “Can you just pick me up? I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”

“I understand why you did it, and I don’t blame you,” she says softly.

I don’t understand much of anything that has happened, only that my husband has become a complete stranger to me.

“Thanks.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

After giving Ava Mason’s address, I hang up and reread the note. How can I stay here? I should have never called him, but whom else do I have? Is there something more I’m feeling? Is that why I reached out to him? Was I looking for a reason to see him again? Setting the key back onto the dresser, I fold the note and place it inside my purse and search for the bathroom to try to look presentable before Ava arrives.

Fifteen minutes later, Ava pulls up. I slip my sunglasses over my bloodshot eyes and rush down the sidewalk while the warm sun soothes my chilled skin. I slide into her Mercedes, and when I peek over at her, lines crease her forehead.

“Are you okay?”

I shrug and bite the inside of my cheek, so I don’t cry.

“I...I don’t know. I don’t feel anything,” I stare out the open window and try not to completely lose it. I feel the pain searing in my bones and jabbing into my heart like a hot poker.

“You can’t go back, not yet. I know you, Brie. You love James no matter what. You need time to think. You can stay with me. Whatever you need.”

I don’t realize I’m crying until I taste the salt of my tears on my lips. I try to thank her, but the words stay stuck in my throat under the stone that’s settled there. I close my eyes and lean back against the seat. This can’t be happening. I attempt to shove the weakness I have for James as far away as possible, but my heart collapses under the strain. I suck in the last of my courage and fold my arms across my chest to somehow bring the broken pieces of my heart together. Will anything or anyone help me get through this? Does James know how hurt I am with his lies and deception? I don’t have the ability to identify or describe my feeling at the moment. I don’t have the strength, physically or emotionally, to maneuver through this right now.

“You’ll get through this. I’m here. You’ll be okay. Stay with me as long as you need,” Ava whispers, resting her hand on my shoulder.

I turn to her and manage a weak smile, resting my hands on top of hers. “I don’t know what I would do without you.” I exhale deeply, wiping some of the wetness from my eyes.

“You will get through this, hon. You have more strength than you give yourself credit for. I’ll be there for you when it becomes too much. I promise.” She scans my features and then kisses my forehead before she pulls away from the curb.

I squeeze her hand in appreciation and look out the window. I sit quietly in the front seat as the world passes me by; the pitch of our breaths is the only sounds I hear. Ten minutes pass before we finally arrive at her house. I pull my aching body out of the car and a delicate breeze caresses my face as we make our way to her front door. I blink my eyes several times into the bright sun. I don’t care where the fuck I am as long as James isn’t around to confuse me. I need time alone, away from him. Away from everything.

Will I ever feel whole again?

Three days later, sunken with immeasurable grief, I make a quick trip to pick up my car and return to my empty home, pack up several outfits, my camera, and some toiletries and return to Ava’s. She said I should change the locks and throw James’ shit into garbage bags, but I can’t stand to be in the house, and I don’t have the energy to do that. Instead, I canceled all my appointments and am now lying in bed in Ava’s guest bedroom, running through a mental checklist of things I forgot and have to do at some point. Just not now.

Throwing on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, I sulk to Ava’s IKEA designed kitchen, grab a bottle of Malbec from her extensive collection, and slink to the living room decorated in warm colors of brown and burgundy. Drinking wine and watching trashy television will help with my thoughts. I hope so, anyway. I pour myself a glass of wine and slump low in the lush couch with soft, silky pillows cushioning my achy body. When I’m about to put my phone on silence to avoid all outside communication, it jerks me to life by ringing. I answer when Mason’s name pops up.

“Hello?”I sit up straight and turn off the television as an episode of
Keeping Up with the Kardashians
, the epitome of trashy television, begins.

“Brie.” His voice comes across deep and rich, making me close my eyes at the sound. “How are you doing?”

Still, I’m not prepared to hear his voice or to become part of the living so soon. I need more than a few days buried under pillows and drinking wine, but running and hiding are not choices anymore. It takes a moment for me to compose myself and to tame my wildly beating heart. I run my finger on my lips that start to tingle remembering the kiss we shared. I shake my head to try to clear my thoughts and finally find my voice hidden underneath my pain.

“I’m okay.” I pause and take a shaky breath. “I want to thank you for everything and offering your home to me, but I didn’t want to impose. You have your life.”

“I understand. I’m just glad you called on me, and you’re safe. I know this is a rough time for you.”

“I think I’ll be okay. Time. I just need some time,” I say as tears threaten to fall.