Love Is Overdue (36 page)

I met his gaze. “Why didn’t you want
more too?”

“
I just didn’t.”

I hesitated. “But you care about
her.”

He nodded. “Of course I
do.”

I waited, thinking.

“
Anything else?” His voice
was softer now, but it didn’t fool me. He was still mad.

I took a deep breath. “Why did you
keep fucking a girl that you had no real interest in even though
you knew she liked you? Why would you lead her on like
that?”

Ben’s eyes went wide as I spoke. I
could tell he hadn’t expected that question. He thought for a
moment, obviously debating his answer, and so I waited.

“
Well?” I wondered,
breaking the silence.

Ben sighed. “I don’t know, Gabby. She
helped me through some difficult shit – we were friends, I enjoyed
her company – I don’t know why. Sometimes it just happened. I’m a
man, she’s a woman – fuck, it’s not that complicated.”

I could tell the third degree was
starting to wear on him now. But I just couldn’t stop. “But she had
feelings for you, Ben…are you saying you been stringing a girl
along for nearly three years that you know is in love with you just
because you happen to enjoy her company?”

Ben looked at me. “Where is this
coming from?”

“
I don’t know.
Experience.”

He eyed me closely. “You?”

“
Of course me,” I said
simply. “I have a lot of experience with men who think I’m loads of
fun but undateable. I know how it feels.”

Ben watched me in silence.

“
So…I guess maybe that’s
why I looked through your phone,” I admitted softly. “I’m still
trying to figure out where I stand…with you.”

“
With me?” Ben repeated,
still not taking his eyes off me. “You go through my phone to try
to figure out how I feel about you?”

I let my breath out. “I guess
so.”

“
Did it work?”

I shook my head slowly. “No, not
really. All I can tell is that you have a hell of a lot of women
throwing themselves at you at every turn – and I’ve obviously been
monopolizing your time.”

Ben rested his head on his hand. “That
doesn’t tell you anything?”

I sighed. “You enjoy my company.” I
shrugged. “But then again, you said the same thing about Amira, so
how am I any different?”

Ben sucked his teeth, but didn’t say
anything.

“
You told me you don’t have
time for a girlfriend…yet you spend all your time with me,” I said
then. “But I don’t know what we are. And it scares me because I
have such strong feelings for you. I’m scared of being hurt, Ben. I
don’t want you to do to me what you did to her, but when you talk
about her, it just feels like…” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t
finish. I just shook my head, my eyes resting on the table in front
of me.

Ben didn’t say anything right away,
but I could sense his eyes on me, so I waited.

“
You want to know how
you’re different…” His voice pulled me from my thoughts and I
lifted my eyes to meet his.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“
I don’t know how you’re
different,” he admitted softly. “I don’t know how anyone is
different – sometimes you just feel something and sometimes you
don’t. I don’t have any answers for you about that. All I know is
that I really…truly…honestly care a lot about you, Gabriela. I
really do,” he stressed it again. “But you’re right. I am scared of
getting too involved right now…I been doin’ things a certain way
for a long time now and things been working out pretty good for me.
I’m happy on my own…”

I swallowed. I could feel it coming. I
had already been holding back a deadly rush of tears for a while
and the pain was unbearable. That piercing fear.

“
Okay.” I let my breath
out. “I’m sorry…it’s okay…” I ran my fingers through my hair and
stood up suddenly.

“
Wait…” I felt a gentle tug
on the hem of my sarong as I went to move past him. I
froze.

Ben looked up at me, forcing me to
meet his gaze. “You know every day I wake up I still want to see
you…and be with you…and talk to you and make you laugh…I love
spending time with you, Gabby…”

I felt the tears rimming my eyes. I
hated breaking down.

“
So I’m just going with it,
really…” Ben kept going. “I haven’t really thought too much about
what it means because that shit really scares me – for real.” Ben’s
voice was gentler now. “And one of the main reasons it scares me so
much is ‘cause of the shit you pulled tonight with my phone…I mean,
if I can’t trust you and you don’t trust me then what the hell am I
doin’ all this for? If you think I’m just lying to you and playin’
you every minute of the day, then why should I even waste my time
falling for some girl who don’t even know what kinda person I am?
It makes no fucking sense.”

I wiped my eyes, nodding. “I know. I
agree with you.”

Ben stared back at me for a moment,
thinking to himself. “I know you haven’t really told me much about
guys you been with in the past and everything…and I haven’t really
asked you much either, and I don’t know…maybe it would help me
understand where you coming from a bit more but I just don’t wanna
hear about guys hurting you like that, it just…breaks my
heart.”

I blinked a tear away. Felt it roll
down my cheek as Ben kept watching me.

“
For real, Gabriela. You
mean a lot to me.”

I nodded again, wiping more tears. Ben
slowly stood up so he was facing me. He reached out and held my
face between his hands, pulling my forehead to his lips.

I sucked my breath in, my fingers
grazing his bare hips. “I’m such an idiot,” I whispered against his
neck.

Ben’s fingers were pushing my hair
back. “Yes, you are,” he agreed easily.

I laughed softly. “I’m
sorry.”

“
I know, baby.”

He took my hand and led me back to
bed.

Ω

“
What the hell were you
thinking, girl?”

Tony and I
were grabbing an ice cream on Davie Street, about to take a walk on
the beach at English Bay. Ben was back at the festival all day
again and when he’d left that morning he told me to text him as
soon as I got word back about the apartment. I’d left a message
with the property manager, but I was doubtful I would hear back any
time soon, since it was a Sunday.

“
I don’t know why I did it,
to be honest,” I sighed. “Well, yeah, I do, but…” My voice trailed
off. I had just finished telling Tony all about my idiotic move –
going through Ben’s blackberry.

“
Yeah, you know exactly why
you did it,” Tony agreed with me. “You did it ‘cause you want to
know if he’s messin’ around on you.”

“
Tony, when’s he gonna mess
around on me?” I challenged him. “We’re together all the time
unless he’s working – more or less.” Ben’s point had definitely had
some validity.

Tony eyed me. “Who you trying to
convince here, Gabby? Plus, he’s hot,” he said, taking his cone
from the girl behind the counter. “If he’s not messin’ around on
you then he’s obviously battin’ away bitches left, right and
center.”

“
First,” I shot back as I
took my cone and noticed our server’s eyes go wide at Tony’s dirty
mouth, “we ain’t all bitches…and second…” My mind was doing
over-time again. “Why you always gotta put shit like that in my
head? Yeah, he’s hot. He’s too hot. I see the way women drool over
him everywhere he goes, it’s not fuckin’ normal, Tony…”

Tony sighed. “Yeah, so basically
you’re saying to yourself, what the fuck is he doing with me? I get
it, girl, believe me.”

I gave him a look. “Gee, thanks
Tony.”

“
Guys are all the same,
Gabby, it don’t matter – gay, straight, whatever…it’s all about the
physical…you’re always worried someone hotter, sexier, prettier is
waitin’ around the corner and you’re gonna miss out…”

“
This is supposed to make
me feel better how again?” I wanted to know.

“
Well, what did you say
those skanks were textin’ Ben about yesterday? They kept mentioning
how they knew he was watching them or whatever, so bottom line is,
yes he noticed them. For a dude the problem isn’t noticing another
hot dude – or woman, I guess – that ain’t gonna make him cheat,
it’s about how he feels for the one he’s with. So just like you
said, if chicks are throwing themselves at him and he’s ignoring
them because of you it’s not because they ain’t hot enough, it’s
because you got something he wants more.”

I let my breath out, letting his words
sink in. “Like what?” I was so confused.

Tony raised his eyebrows. “I don’t
know, girl, that’s what you gotta figure out. I ain’t
Oprah.”

Ω

We sat down on one of the logs on the
sand, staring out at the ocean. It was a beautiful day again – hot
and sunny.

“
Really, though…” Tony was thinking out loud again. “Even if
he was screwin’ around, Gabby, I’d still keep him. I mean, what he
offered to do for you and your moms is huge…”

I groaned. “He’s not screwing
around…and yes, it’s huge. I just wish Laz would step up. I told
him the situation, you know, about the house, and he didn’t really
say anything. I think…”

“
What?” Tony
wondered.

“
Well, I know what he wants
to do. The same thing he’s wanted for years, he just wants to cart
her off to some nursing home, like some senile, old bat, Tony…” I
shuddered again at the thought. “My mother is forty-nine years
old!”

Tony sighed. “I know,
Gabby.”

I reached in my bag for my cigarettes.
“Oh I didn’t tell you,” I said then absentmindedly. “He texted me
this morning. His flight is booked. He’ll be here on
Wednesday.”

Tony’s eyes went wide. “For
real?”

“
Yup. It’s kinda surreal
actually. I’m gonna tell my mom when I see her later.”

“
Yeah…I’m like having heart
palpitations as we speak…” Tony was practically hyperventilating.
“I used to have the hugest crush on your brother.”

I laughed. “I know.”

“
You know?”

I
rolled my eyes. “Of course I know…I knew back then! It’s the only
reason we became friends, you idiot…” We were both laughing.
“Actually,” I nudged his arm. “I had the hugest crush on
you
back then.”

Now
that
I had never told him.

“
So I didn’t care that you
were actually only hanging out with me to get to my brother ‘cause
all that time I was just workin’ all my magic to turn you
straight…” I smiled to myself at the memory.

“
Aww…that’s sweet, Gabby.”
Tony put his arm around me, pulling me close. “Your magic didn’t
work.”

I hit his knee, laughing. “That’s
okay…eventually, though, I was just glad you didn’t trade me in for
a hotter best friend.” I glanced up at him. “Thank you for
that.”

Tony sucked his teeth and pushed me
off him. “Shut the fuck up with that shit, Gabby – you and your
stupid-ass, self-hating attitude. You’re the most beautiful woman I
know.”

“
Oh please…” I rolled my
eyes.

“
Really.” Tony had a serious look on his face. “You’re hot
enough for him, Gabriela. You’re
worth
it.” We locked
eyes and I knew what he was getting at. “You just have to start
believing that.”

Ω

My mom and I
liked to play Scrabble. We’d been playing ever since I started
seventh grade. It was the one thing I figured I could teach her –
to speak English. Laz was always off with his friends and never
home anyway, and by the time I was thirteen my mom had pretty much
taken to just staying home.

On top of the depression, her illness
made her extremely self-conscious for a woman who had grown up
placing almost all her value on her physical appearance. I remember
staring at pictures of her as a teenager, on the beaches of Rio in
her bikini, wondering who the fuck that girl even was. I would
stare down at my rolls of fat as a kid and wonder why God would
curse both of us…

So for some reason, staying home with
my mom just felt like the right thing to do. By the time I was
seventeen, we’d turned our before-bed Scrabble matches into all
evening-long affairs – complete with a bottle or two or three of
red wine. Tony was always so shocked that I would get drunk with my
mom and I always just shrugged it off as a cultural difference. And
to me, drinks around the dining room table seemed far tamer than
the parties and clubs my friends rarely succeeded in dragging me
to.

My mom loved to talk about her teenage
years – her life before her illness – maybe in a way to prove that
it had actually happened, and so, because of that, we talked about
boys all the time. Her stories always horrified and fascinated me
at the same time. Basically, by my nun-like standards – considering
I had never even been kissed – my mom had been a bit of a slut. But
the best thing about her openness with me was that I was never
afraid to tell her anything.