Love Is Overdue (40 page)

you?>

house. Trying to organize some shit but I can’t
focus.>

I checked the time. It was almost 8
pm. I realized I had been sitting there for nearly two hours, ever
since I’d gotten in from work.

you up in 20>

I let my breath out and willed the
next twenty minutes to pass by quickly.

Ω

Ben’s phone
went off the minute we stepped through the front door together. It
was Lena, with some restaurant-related crisis, so as Ben headed
downstairs into the kitchen to continue his conversation, I headed
to the bathroom to freshen up and brush my teeth. And then, once I
stepped into Ben’s bedroom, the sleep that had evaded me for over
24 hours finally came on and hit me with a vengeance. I pulled my
clothes off piece by piece and then climbed under the covers in
just my bra and panties, inhaling Ben’s intoxicating scent off his
sheets and his pillows. There was no better feeling in the world.
Sleep. Peace. Ben.

I was out like a light within two
minutes.

Ω

“
Gabby…come on, wake
up…”

My brain was telling me to comply but
my body wasn’t letting me. His gentle nudging and stroking on my
back and my shoulders was beginning to get firmer and much less
patient.

“
I don’t know, man…I’m trying, believe me…I’ll call you
back.” Slight pause. “Gabby!” It wasn’t quite a shout, but it was
close. “Wake the fuck up.”

And at that my eyes sprung open and I
focused in on Ben, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at
me. He sucked his teeth. “Thank you.”

I gave him a look. “What’s going on?”
Reality began to kick in, like eyes adjusting to light. “And why
are you yelling at me?”

“
Damn, girl…I don’t know
how anyone could sleep through the shit I been puttin’ you
through…” Ben sucked his teeth again.

“
Sorry…I didn’t know it was
such a crime to take a nap around here…” I was still coming
to…

Ben smiled slightly. “Well, it is when
it’s almost midnight and you locked your brother outta your
apartment,” he explained. “I don’t know, I guess he’s been calling
you…tracked Tony down…he sent me a message on facebook…so that took
a couple hours for me to notice…and here we are. So where the key
at?”

Now I was fully awake. “Oh
shit.”

Ω

Laz and I were sitting in my mother’s
hospital room the next evening attempting to make small talk. Laz
had picked up some Chinese food from a restaurant up the street and
the three of us seemed to be focusing a lot more on the meal than
each other.

The doctors
were ready to discharge my mother and I knew Laz had been trying to
stall them. A few hours earlier one of the nurses in passing
happened to mention to me quietly that she had heard nothing but
good things about Pine Hollows and my mother would be in good hands
there.

It was painful just watching my mother
try to raise the spoon to her mouth. I sat next to her and tried to
help her the best I could but she kept insisting I leave her alone.
Laz just kept averting his eyes.

“
Mama, we have to talk
about what’s gonna happen when you leave the hospital,” he said
suddenly, staring down into his box of chow mein.

“
Well, I’m going home,
aren’t I?” she responded simply, without much enthusiasm. “Gabriela
found a new apartment.”

I didn’t speak. For some reason I just
couldn’t.

Laz took a deep breath. “Well, there’s
another option, Mama.”

My mother glanced over at me then, but
I just looked away.

Laz stood up then and walked over
toward my mother’s bed and pulled the chair up across from me. He
handed her the brochure. I held my breath as she stared down at the
paper. She stayed silent.

When she finally looked up I saw the
disbelief and pain in her eyes. It was more than I could
bear.

“
What is this?” Her voice
was a whisper.

Laz spoke quickly. “Mama, they’ll know
how to take care of you there. You won’t be all alone in the house
all day without anyone there with you, you can go outside, they can
take you for walks…”

The look on my mother’s face had
softened but the pain was still there. She turned to me then.
“Gabriela?”

I took a deep breath. “Whatever you
want, Mama. It’s up to you.”

Laz looked over at me in disbelief. I
knew he had expected me to fight him on it, and I knew that he
thought if I didn’t fight she would go. She would have gotten her
wish. Both her children would have let go. And part of me believed
he was right – but another deeper, darker part of me knew
different.

I watched as
the look of relief washed over my mother’s face in a heartbeat.
“Well, then it’s settled. I want to go home.”

Ω

“
Gabby…”

I turned around slowly, not that
surprised that Laz had followed me down into the hospital
cafeteria. “Look…Laz…I can’t do it anymore, I can’t fight about
this anymore.”

And I
couldn’t. I had no more energy left for any of it. I was so tired.
I sank down at one of the tables by the window and stared down into
the disgusting cup of coffee I was forcing myself to
drink.

Laz sat down across from me. He nodded
slowly. “I know. I…” He paused momentarily and then I saw a look of
pure resignation just come over him. “I give up. You
win.”

I sighed and shook my head. “It’s not
about winning…”

“
No, you’re right. But
you’re a grown woman, Gabriela - we can’t go back anymore. Maybe if
you had known the truth from the beginning, things could have been
different, but…I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“
It wouldn’t have changed
anything.”

Laz was quiet for a moment. “You
didn’t see the things I saw, Gabby.” His voice was low. I felt the
pain in his words. “You know, when I look at my kids, I can’t help
but think about five years, ten years – twenty years down the
road…I think about everything I want them to have, to see, to
achieve…you just…when you’re a parent, Gabby, you just want better
for your kids…”

“
Like Mom wanted for you,”
I finished for him.

“
Yeah, but…” He shook his
head. “It’s more than that. As much as I would do anything to give
my kids all the opportunities in the world, if I thought for any
reason that I was holding them back – if I was keeping them from
enjoying and living the best life they possibly could, I would back
off so fucking fast, Gabby, you wouldn’t know what hit
me.”

“
What are you getting at,
Laz?” I wanted to know.

He took a deep breath. “What I’m
saying is…yes, it’s true, Mom pushed me out…and you could say it’s
‘cause she wanted better for me, and I tried to believe that for so
many years, Gab, but the truth is…the more I think about it, I know
that she pushed me out because she knew that if she didn’t, one day
I would just take you with me.”

I stared back at him in
silence.

“
She needed to hold onto
you, Gabby.”

I
shook my head slowly. “It was my
choice
to stay, Laz.
It was. You were right.”

“
Your choice? What other
choice did you have? You were the only one left. After Uncle
Fernando died, who else was there? Teresa? Mama never even left the
fucking house, Gabriela…she didn’t work…there was only you.” He
watched me for a long moment. “I get why you hate me,
Gabby.”

My heart fell. “Laz, I don’t hate
you.”

“
A part of you does,” he
insisted. “The same part of you that wishes you could have traded
places with me.”

I averted my eyes. I didn’t want to
listen to him anymore.

“
So yes, I feel
guilty.”

I had never heard my brother talk this
way. But when I thought about it, the painful truth was that I
barely even knew my brother anymore…

“
I feel responsible. I feel
ashamed…”

The pain was slowly spreading and I
felt it everywhere. But I just couldn’t cry anymore.

“
I spent ten years waiting
for you to call me and tell me Mama was dead. Some days I didn’t
think about it…some days I didn’t think about it at all…sometimes
for weeks at a time…but I always knew one day I would get that
call…and it terrified me, Gabby.” He paused, and I glanced back up
at him. “And not because of Mama because I always knew she wanted
to die…”

I shook my head. “No…” I cut him off
then, still refusing to believe it.

“
Yes.” His eyes were
pleading with me. “It terrified me because of what it would do to
you. You’re my sister, Gabriela, and I love you.”

I couldn’t remember the last time I
had heard those words.

“
I just want you to know
that no matter what your decision is right now, mine still stands.
Whenever you’re ready.”

Chapter
Nineteen

I
was sitting on the bench outside the back door of
The Rock
watching Ben’s Escalade pull up into his parking
stall. I checked the time on my phone. It was 9:30 am and I should
have been at my desk at work but I was taking another early coffee
break.

“
Stalker…” He teased me, as
he made his way over toward me.

I stood up quickly, smiling back at
him. “You’re early.”

He stopped right in front of me, just
staring me down for a good moment before reaching out and taking my
hand, pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me. I drew my
breath in deeply, inhaling his wonderful smell, feeling myself get
warm all over.

“
Can I come in?” I said
softly, as I let my breath out.

Ben pulled back slowly. “This is
gettin’ kinda ridiculous, Gabby…”

I sighed. “What do you
mean?”

“
I miss you.”

“
I miss you
too.”

“
I’m not fucking you in my
supply room anymore,” he said simply, staring back at me. “Bending
you over for ten minutes and keeping my clothes on ain’t really
doin’ it for me.”

“
Wow. Okay.” My heart sank.
“I just thought since…you know…last night when we were
talking…”

My voice trailed off as I remembered
our two hour long phone call the night before. I was still aching
for him. Every single part of my body was just burning for him. And
just from a soft sigh…a little laugh…the way he teased me…the way
he talked to me…his mind…his heart…

I was so in love with him I couldn’t
stand it anymore.

“
Last night when we were
talking I told you this here is just making it worse,” he
clarified.

I
let my breath out, confused. “Yeah, but I thought you meant that in
a…you know…in a
good
way.”

He let out a little smile. “Baby, come
on…”

My mind was racing. “Well…I’m sure
I’ll be able to get a respite worker at least one night a week
soon…the waiting list isn’t that long.”

Ben shook his head slowly. “You don’t
even look like you’re sleeping.”

“
I do,” I lied. “When I’m
not on the phone with you,” I added, attempting to give him a
reassuring smile.

“
I should stop calling you
then.”

I shook my head again. “Why are you
making this so hard for me?”

But the truth was Ben had tried. On
more than one occasion he had said he wanted to come to my
apartment but I had refused. It was too soon. I was still
adjusting...figuring shit out… But in reality, I was so in over my
head with my mother and the horror of what my world had turned into
that I was terrified of letting Ben into it. I was petrified that
if he saw my life for what it was he wouldn’t want anything more to
do with me. And the thought of losing him scared the fuck out of
me. He was the best thing that ever happened to me…

“
You deserve better than
this, Gabby.”

I stared back at him in complete
confusion.

“
I mean, if the highlight
of your day is spending your morning coffee break having a quickie
in a fucking closet, I think you need to re-evaluate shit a bit,
don’t you think?”

His words stung. “Don’t flatter
yourself, Ben.” I moved to step away from him but he reached for my
hand then, pulling me back.

He let his breath out, and I saw the
frustration on his face then. “I’m sorry…” His tone softened. “This
is just hard for me.”

I shook my head. “I never hid anything
from you, Ben…I mean, right from the beginning I told you
everything – I told you about my mom, and what I had to deal with
and live with – and I said to you, why would you want anything to
do with someone like me? And you just…”

“
Gabby, I’m not running
away from you.” He cut me off then. “But you’re not really letting
me in so…I don’t know what you want me to do.”