Love Me Back (22 page)

Reluctantly I leave the safe haven of the bathroom to face Trent.  I don’t know if I have enough strength to give Trent another chance even if that is what my heart might want.  The problem is I don’t know if I have the strength to tell him I want to be with his brother either.

Walking down the long sprawling hallway bare of any pictures or mementos of loved ones I smell the best thing Trent makes.  When I reach the kitchen I find him over the stove cooking some eggs and hash browns in his pajama pants no shirt.  Reminding me again of how gorgeous a soccer player’s body can be.  He is leaner than his brothers from choosing a different sport that involves more running, his muscles more subtle but still visible. 

The cup is already waiting for me on the counter and I can’t grab it fast enough to have the caffeine hit my veins and wake my body up. 

“Um…I wish you would tell me what you do.”  I sip down the delicious coffee content with nothing else.

“Secret.”  He smirks looking over his shoulder.

“I have searched everywhere, even bought the kind of coffee you use but it never tastes the same.”  I bring the cup to my lips again blowing on it a little.

“Maybe because it’s the maker.”  He winks while handing me a plate with eggs and ham.

“Nah.  I doubt it.”  I laugh.  “How does someone who can’t make anything but breakfast know how to make the perfect cup of coffee?”

“I chose one meal to perfect.  I picked breakfast, wanted to make sure you thought of me for the whole day.”  He grabs his own cup sitting next to me at the breakfast bar.

“Pretty clever.”  I say.

“I know.”  He shakes his head in agreement.

“So, let’s talk.”  I say.

“After breakfast, Ok?”  He says.

“You keep delaying the inevitable.”

“Maybe.  I just want to enjoy you…us.  The way we used to be.”  He looks down the whole time.  I sense not wanting to see my reaction.

“We can’t turn back time Trent.”  I assure him.

“I know Mad.  Believe me I wish I could.”  His voice low and unsteady.  Maybe he has changed.  Maybe he deserves another chance.

“So why aren’t you in Europe?  I thought you were finishing a season there before coming to Chicago.”  I change the subject.  If he isn’t ready than I am not either.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” 

“What is it?”  I place my fork down turning my stool to him.

“I’m thinking about retiring.”  He continues to eat as though he just told me he was thinking about getting a fish.

“Why?”  I am shocked and surprised.  Trent to retire at this young of an age must mean there is something wrong.  “What’s wrong?”

“You remember when I ruptured my Achilles tendon?”  He asks. 

“Yes.”  I answer.

“I haven’t been the same since.  The surgery fixed it and I have been doing physical therapy like crazy.  I was supposed to be in Europe to ease myself back in before coming back.”  He is still eating not looking at me.  I know he knows what I am going to say and he doesn’t want to hear from me.

“I’m not as fast, not as quick.  Chicago thought they traded for a number one player but now are thinking they got a bench warmer.”  He shakes his head back and forth.

“I couldn’t even play half the games in Europe, it is still too sore.  I don’t want to stick around being a has been Maddy.  If I can’t go out on top, I want to retire before I’m known for how many goals I missed in a game instead of how many I made.”

“Trent, you have to give it time.  Chicago did get a number one player, a star player.”  I put my hand on his shoulder.

“That’s why I have been missing some of Jack’s wedding things.  Chicago’s team doctors brought me back to try some things he think would help.  I meet with them, do certain drills and exercises. Yesterday I had to meet with the owners and coach.  They told me they will give me one season to prove myself before trading me.  I don’t want to be one of those players Maddy.  The player that goes from one team to another every year.”

“I thought you signed a contract.”  I ask.

“I did but only for a year.  I was such an ass when New York traded me for three of Chicago’s players I told them I would only commit to one season.  I was so conceded and full of myself.  I practically told them they would be lucky to have me for the year at the cost because the next year I would cost double.  Now I will be lucky enough to find a team to take me next year.”  He finally pushes his plate away but instead of looking at me he puts his head in his hands.

“Stop talking like that.  You can do this Trent.  Your body was born to play this sport and it will recover and you will be the greatest soccer player again.  All the teams will be begging for you again.”  I try to reassure him standing up to hug him.

“Oh Maddy, thanks but I just don’t know.”  I see a water drop on the counter and I know he is crying.  I have seen Trent cry twice in his life before now.  It wasn’t when he left me at college or when I walked out on him a year ago.  It was when we were eleven and he hugged me good-bye in my driveway before I moved away and that one night we no longer talk about.  I reach over stretching my arms around his shoulders from behind.  He grabs my hands and leans his head towards mine that is resting on his back.

“I promise you Trent, we will get you back to where you need to be.  I will be here for you.”

“Promise Maddy?”  He whispers.

“I promise.”  I’m not sure what I just agreed to but Trent being upset has always made me do desperate things.  Even if I pick Gabe which I’m not so sure right now, I still want to be there for Trent.  He is my best friend and I can’t desert him, not when he needs me so much.

Trent turns around and hugs me wrapping his strong arms around my waist.  I forgot what it feels like when he would rest his head on top of mine burying me into his chest.  His naked chest smells of his soap making me close my eyes savoring the moment.  I pick up my head to stare at him and see he is doing the same.  We have weaved in and out of a love relationship but our friendship has always remained.  We let that falter this year but I won’t let it happen again and from the look on Trent’s face he won’t either.

Just when I am about to move away, I hear a key go into his lock.  Before I can grasp what is happening, I hear bags crashing to the floor.  Trent and I turn around and my body runs cold.  Gabe is standing in the doorway pale faced with glass bottles broken all around him.  I see how he looks and I know he is fearing the worst.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.  I was just coming by to drop off the alcohol for the bachelor party.  Guess I will get out of your way.”  He turns around slamming the door behind him.  I am surprised he got all that out because I am still speechless.

“Gabe!”  I scream after him, unlocking my arms from around Trent I start my way to the door but Trent grabs my wrist.

“Let him go Maddy.  Don’t worry, he will move on.”  He pulls me back to him.  How could he be so callused?  Gabe is his brother.

“What?  Move on?”  I don’t wait for his answers. I am already jumping through the glass tip toeing my way to the door.

“Come on Maddy, don’t do this.  You belong here, with me.”  Trent isn’t following me, just assumes I will listen to him, like always.

I don’t turn around to him or answer him, I swing the door open running down the hall and I am thankful to find Gabe at the elevators.  His face is red and he is holding his hand with his left while blood drips down his forearm.  He hears me coming and tries to slip in the elevator when it dings but I am able to slide in before the doors slide shut noticing the huge dent in the wall I gather from Gabe’s hand.

“Gabe, please listen to me.”  I get right in front of him.  I forget how intimidating he can be up close.  His shoulders much broader than Trent’s and his biceps much bigger.

“No Maddy, I don’t want to hear it.”  He is talking so soft I can barely hear him. 

“It was late, I just spent the night because we had both drank.”  I am talking so fast because I know when the doors open he is gone.

“How convenient.  I don’t want the details of your drunken fuck Maddy.”  He clenches his teeth.

“No, Trent slept on the couch.  It wasn’t like that.”  I am pulling on his arms trying to make him look at me.  The elevator is dropping floors so fast I can almost feel him leaving me already.

“You just happened to bring pajamas with you?”  He raises his eyebrows.

I stare down at my tank top and pajama pants.  The ones Trent never got rid of.

“No!”  I scream.  “Trent had these in his drawer from before.”  I can tell he doesn’t believe me though.

“I’m such a fool Maddy.  I actually thought you picked me yesterday.  I should have known.  It’s always been Trent, hasn’t it?”  He starts talking louder.

“No, I do.  I pick you.”  I answer in a panic.  Third floor passes by and I can’t have him leave like this.

“Answer me one question Maddy.”  He finally looks me right in the eye and I want to breakdown right there.  I have torn this man apart; his eyes are turning dead right in front of me.  “Do you still love Trent?”

The bell beeps and the doors open.  I don’t answer Gabe, I can’t.  I do love Trent but I don’t know to what degree or in what capacity.

“That’s what I thought.  Good-bye Maddy.”  He sneaks past me and out the doors. 

“Please Gabe.”  I beg falling to my knees in front of the door.  I can’t hold my cries in any longer.  I move over on my knees to press Trent’s floor, then collapse against the wall staring at Gabe’s blood drops on the floor. What have I done?  I think I just let the love of my life slip through my fingers.

Chapter 17 – College Junior Year

Finals are over and I can’t be happier.  One more year left and I will be a college graduate with a Bachelor of Arts.   I am packing my dorm room because Mackenna, Bryan and I rented a house for our senior year.  I am thankful I don’t have to spend another summer at home with mom and her boyfriend of the week.  No more cleaning her mess or locking my door at night in case a stranger stumbled in.  I won’t have to wait in my room until I hear her leave for work or act like I am sleeping when she returns in the middle of the night with some guy smelling of booze and cigarettes.

I already lined up a job at the rec center, a requirement from my dad since he is paying my rent along with tuition.  He will be coming out in a couple weeks to see the house he has only seen in the pictures I sent him.

My clothes are all packed in suitcases, my books in boxes.  My closet still has a mass of miscellaneous things scattered across the bottom.  There is the purple plaid box in the corner.  I forgot all about it, transporting it home and back the last few years.  I open it and then shut it quick.  I shouldn’t do this now.  This is going to be a happy day, moving on my own.  Don’t ruin it I tell myself but I open it anyway.

The pictures are scattered in the box along with little trinkets from the trip.  It includes a bottle of sand with seashells in it.  It isn’t the one you bought in a souvenir shop, we made them together, each taking one home.  As a tear runs down my cheek I realize I should have listened to myself, I shouldn’t have opened this box.

After that night in Cancun when Gabe kissed me, he showed up at my doorstep at nine o’clock the next morning. 

“What on earth are you doing here this early?  It’s vacation.”  I rubbed my eyes opening the door but crawling back under the covers.

“We have four days, twenty-one hours, thirty six minutes and eighteen seconds get your lazy ass out of bed.”  Gabe pulled the comforter off of me.

“What the fuck is Asshole number two doing here?”  Mackenna asked throwing a pillow over her head.

“Let’s go, both of you.  It’s vacation we have places to be.”  Gabe striped us both of our blankets.

“Where?”  I asked reluctantly sitting up.

“Breakfast, pool, beach.”  He jumped onto my bed crossing his ankles resting his arms behind his head.  “Now go get ready, I want to spend every waking hour with you before we leave here.”  He whispered in my ear.

My face turned a nice shade of pink and I automatically stood up digging for my swimsuit.  Gabe and I were standing by the doorway waiting for Mackenna to join us but  she threw a pillow at us to get the fuck out.  Laughing we left the room and I shut the door and Gabe pushed me against the wall kissing me.  “Good Morning Maddy.”

“What a nice morning it is.”  I smiled.

Gabe and I spent the next four days together. We hung out at the pool, went parasailing and shopped.  Gabe showed up every morning at my room and kissed me goodnight every night at my door.  Although we did nothing more than kiss each other it was the most intimate time for me which is why it surprised me the morning Kenna and I were to leave to find a note from him tucked under my door.

Maddy,

I hate that I am writing you this letter instead of telling you.  I tried a million times tonight but I couldn’t say it. 

Let me start off my saying how amazing these five days have been.  When the boys dragged me down here I never thought I would not only run into you but be able to spend almost the whole trip with you. 

Being able to touch you, grab your hand or kiss you whenever I want has been a luxury I’ve wanted for a long time.  I meant what I said on the beach that night, my feelings for you run deep.  Even though I can’t explain them completely, I know you could be the one for me.  You could be the one that makes me forget all others and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one that feels that way.  I hope you understand why I have to do this.  You could never hate me as much as I hate myself for walking away from a woman so perfect for me but my brother saw you first.  I have to honor my promise to him. I have to let him have his chance with you.  Let him prove us both wrong.  Let him prove he does deserve you.

I ask that you give your whole self to him and see where it takes you both.  As much as it kills me it won’t be with me I hope you find happiness with him.

I will love you always Madgirl.