Love Songs (23 page)

As it happened there was no need for words at that moment, for Alex’s firm lips took possession of her softer ones and expressed his pride in her in a far more sensual way than mere words had been able to do. And, as always, she was helpless against the heady assault, finding herself caught up with lightning speed in the swirl of desire. All thoughts of the future were forgotten in the mind-dazing heat of the moment. For Alanna, this—rather than the promotion she’d received that morning—was what she’d been waiting for. It brought her more spontaneous excitement, more instant gratification, than anything she had ever known. And she gave to it with every atom of her being, offering her own body, burning now with desire, for Alex’s adoration. It was an exalted lovemaking they shared, one that was destined to repeat itself at random intervals throughout the night.

Morning brought the unpleasant necessity that Alex had to leave. He was off to the West Coast for three days.

“Must you?” she protested on impulse, well before she realized that she had no right to rebel.

Alex had pulled on his shirt; his tie hung loosely around his neck. He would go home to change, then head for the airport. “I’m afraid I’ve got to. It’s Joey. Several times a year I have to visit the California offices and give him the pat on the back
he
needs.”

“This is Tuesday; when will you be back?”

“I’ve got meetings scheduled through Thursday. There’s a bare chance I may make it back by Friday noon, but I doubt it. What say I pick you up from work on Friday?”

Trying to cope with the pervasive sense of loneliness that the prospect of three full days without Alex brought, she nodded. “That sounds fine.” There was more she wanted to say, but she bit her lip. Did she have the right to sound possessive? Did she have the right to ask that he call from California?

“I’ll call tonight.” He read her mind, smiling tenderly down at her. “Keep your chin up at work, OK? Don’t let them get to you.”

Standing at the door beside him, she let her gaze linger on him, committing each manly feature, each powerful line to memory. “I’ll try.” With this image in her mind she might, indeed, have a chance.

Alex called that night, at three in the morning, Alanna’s time. “Ellen would be very proud of us, you know,” Alanna commented. “She said we should use each other to work out our problems. It helps—talking to you like this in the middle of the night.”

The deep voice crackled sensuously over the cross-country wire. “I didn’t wake you?”

“What do
you
think?”

He cleared his throat. “I was … kind of … hoping as much.…”

“Alex! Do you mean to say that you’re
glad
I can’t sleep?”

There was no hesitation in his voice, nor a drop of remorse. “Damned right, I am! Honestly, woman, if you could sleep as well without me as with me you wouldn’t have
any
need of me at all!”

His words gave her food for thought as she lay awake after they had hung up. It occurred to her that for a man to want a woman who was as independent and self-sufficient as she was he had to truly love her. It was a mind-boggling thing to know that Alex loved her enough to be willing to accept her as an equal partner. Strange, she mused repeatedly, how her image of him had changed. When she had first met him he’d been the embodiment of the arrogant, domineering chauvinist with his impulsive proposal of marriage. Now she saw that her assessment of him had been wrong from the start. What she had interpreted as arrogance had been self-confidence; what she had interpreted as a drive for domination had been strength of character. And as for chauvinism—this man saw her as a modern woman and was willing to welcome her into his life as such.

In the final analysis Alanna realized that she was facing the greatest challenge of her life. Could she be a wife to Alex and mother to his children while still retaining her career? Could she be the complete, modern woman? Could she broaden her previous view of life to include love and family as well as work?

Half on impulse she phoned Ellen Henderson that morning. Though she hadn’t been in contact with the medical center or its staff psychologist since she and Alex had been sent home to “work things out,” she sensed that Ellen might offer her insight, comfort or both. Their rapport had been good from the start. Even when Alanna and Alex had unintentionally messed up Ellen’s study, the latter had been understanding. It was this very understanding on which Alanna now counted.

“How are you, Alanna?” Ellen remembered her instantly.

“Fine. Uh, not so fine. That’s why I’m calling.” She felt the same swell of helplessness and awkwardness seeking help that she’d felt when she’d first signed up for the IAT study.

“Problems sleeping again?”

“No.… Yes.… Well, indirectly. But that’s not why I’m calling.”

“It’s Alex.”

“And I can hear your smile over the phone.” Yes, the rapport was still there.

Ellen chuckled. “He’s quite a man! What’s he up to now?”

“Right now he’s out of town. I … I wondered if we could … talk.”

There was a slight pause. “I sense that this isn’t a counselor-client type of talk.”

Alanna smiled softly as she twisted the telephone cord around her finger. “Not really. I was hoping for something on the line of friend-friend.”

This time Ellen didn’t hesitate. “How about lunch tomorrow? Here? That’ll give us more time.”

Accordingly, the next day at one, Alanna met Ellen at her office and together they made their way to the hospital cafeteria. It was only when they’d settled themselves in a quiet corner that Ellen broached the subject of Alex.

“Now, tell me about him. You’re still seeing him, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes.” Alanna picked at her chef salad. “We’re still going strong. That’s part of the trouble.”

“How so?” Ellen grinned. “Is he still running on about love and marriage?”

“He’s serious!”

“And you?” The psychologist sampled her hamburger as she studied Alanna’s frown.

“I’m afraid to say that he’s emerged victorious. I’m hooked.”

Ellen’s enthusiasm was spontaneous. “That’s great, Alanna! The two of you couldn’t be more perfectly matched! This is a new twist in the phenomenon of the sleep lab! But you said ‘afraid.’ What’s the catch?”

Alanna’s expression was close to melancholy. “The catch is … marriage.”

It was Ellen’s turn to frown, but in puzzlement. “He wants it. He told me as much.”

“
I
don’t.”

“Ahhh, that’s right. I remember your reaction that day in my office when Alex mentioned the possibility of marriage. But you weren’t sure you loved him then. You are now?”

“Yes.” It was evident in every fiber of her being.

“Yet you’re still against marriage.”

“Uh-huh.” Alanna gathered her thoughts. “I’ve tried to explain it all to Alex. He listens and I think he understands. It’s
me
who’s the most confused. That’s why I wanted to talk with you. You see, I’ve spent my entire adult life building my career.” Briefly she sketched the picture of her childhood and parents that she’d painted in far greater color and depth for Alex. “I ruled out the prospect of marriage and family a long time ago,” she concluded. “Suddenly I’m wondering if I was right. I can’t decide.”

Ellen smiled in sympathy. “Whether it would work
and
be compatible with your career?”

“Exactly. How do
you
do it, Ellen? I remember you saying that your husband is a doctor here. How do you manage it all?” She speared a ripe cherry tomato in frustration as she awaited Ellen’s answer.

Her companion was cautious. “You have to understand that we have no children yet. That simplifies things for the time being.”

“Do you plan to have children?” Alanna asked on impulse, then caught herself. “I’m sorry. That was none of my business.”

“No, no. It’s a perfectly legitimate question. And timely. We’ve discussed it at length. You see, Sandy is, in many ways, very traditional.”

Alanna couldn’t help but be skeptical. “But you said you had a modern marriage—no ring, no name switch, no title.”

“We do. Fortunately Sandy is open to change and loves me enough to realize that I need my work. There’s still that part of him, though, that would like me at home, raising his brood, waiting for him.” She paused. “Sound familiar?”

Alanna nodded ruefully. “My parents. But … Sandy
does
accept your career?”

“He does. We compromise. I make a point to do it big at home one day a week—you know, warm fire waiting, fancy dinner, total attention focussed on him. That seems to satisfy his need. And, to be truthful, I really enjoy it because it does mean so much to him. In turn he shares everything with me on the other days. He’s very proud of my work.”

“He
should
be! Is there … jealousy?”

“Between Sandy and me?” Ellen laughed in relief. “Thank goodness, no! We may both work here, but our fields are as different as night and day. And besides, Sandy and I are both relatively self-confident people. As are you and Alex.” The last was added more pointedly as Ellen brought the discussion back to Alanna and her immediate problem.

“Yes, I suppose Alex and I
are
fairly secure. I can’t imagine there being jealousy between us. But I do worry about being a successful wife and mother.”

Ellen nibbled on a pickle. “The role has changed drastically in recent years, Alanna. Actually, the full-time wife at home is, in many cases, a luxury that only the well-to-do can afford. In your case you’d work because you wanted to. I’m sure Alex accepts that.”

“He does.” Alanna defended him quickly. “It’s
me
who can’t accept it, I guess. I imagine I’ll feel this horrible guilt all the time. I should be doing this or I should be doing that. Do you ever feel guilty while you’re at work about all of those other things that aren’t getting done?”

“Sure I do.” Ellen smiled.

“Doesn’t it get you down?”

“Only until I share it with Sandy. He understands me … and my needs. We’ve always been able to reach solutions together.” She hesitated, then frowned. “Lately I’ve been going through that guilt trip about kids. I want them … I don’t want them. But I’m not getting any younger, as they say.”

“What will you do?”

The dark-haired woman raised her eyes speculatively. “I’ve decided to leave things up to fate, for starters. What will be from here on will be.”

“And if you do become pregnant, how will you handle it?”

“As we’ve worked it out in our minds, I’ll work right through the pregnancy, then see my private patients from our place until I feel comfortable returning to the hospital.” She shrugged. “For all I know I may even find private practice to my liking.”

Alanna’s eyes held admiration. “You sound very positive about the whole thing, Ellen. I’m envious.”

“Don’t give me too much credit yet.” Ellen smiled wryly. “To be blunt, I’m terrified. For one thing, our income will be sharply reduced when I stop working. And then, things could backfire. If I do get pregnant I could be too exhausted to work until the last month or the baby could be a toughie and prevent me from getting back to work afterward. I could have trouble getting sitters or find myself without enough patients to cover the cost. The list goes on and on.”

“But you’re willing to take the risk?”

“I am.”

“May I ask why?”

“It’s very simple. I
do
want children. Somehow we’ll work something out regarding my career. Regarding motherhood, it’s either now or never. With any luck it’ll be now.”

Alanna dropped her gaze to focus absently on the last of her lunch. If she had expected black-and-white directives from Ellen Henderson she had misjudged the situation. There were no absolutes. It was all relative, all a matter of compromise.

“Have I helped you out at all, Alanna?” The psychologist, now her friend, broke into her silent meanderings.

Alanna looked up, startled. “Oh, yes! You have, Ellen! If nothing else you’ve suggested that I’m not the only one to fear torn loyalties. It’s reassuring to know that it’s not just my own private paranoia.”

“What I’m also saying,” Ellen added gently, “is that it’s not your problem alone. It’s for you and Alex to work out
together.
I’m sure you will.”

Alanna was not quite as sure. The only thing she
was
sure about was how lonely she was without Alex. He was constantly in her thoughts. Perhaps it was fortunate that he should occupy so much of her mind for otherwise she would have surely brooded about the tension at the office. In her most optimistic dreams she had hoped that, once it was definite, the promotion would simply be accepted as fact. Not so among her male associates. Her confrontation with Brian notwithstanding, few words were spoken on the matter. But the strain of the situation grew greater as the week went on. Men who had previously chatted amiably with her now were aloof. Those who worked closely with her on the various projects under her jurisdiction were similarly distant. Cordial … but distant. It was as though Brian had been right; people
had
believed him. Alanna had, indeed, taken a step up—up and away from the confidence of the men with whom she would have to work successfully if her career itself was to be successful.