Loving the White Liar (26 page)

I nodded. “I hate them. In all our time together, he’s only had a handful of scary outbursts. But it’s hard for me to get over them. They cut deep.”

“This can be the most detrimental challenge in your relationship. Some partners build up resentment over time, and I’m taking it that’s why you are here.”

“I’m worried one day I won’t be able to let it go.”

“If you want to stay married, and not just stay married but have an actual marriage, you have got to forgive and let go.”

I opened my mouth to speak then closed it.

“I know that’s easier said than done, Hilary. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, but you must see how deeply your partner hurts when remorse sets in. In the unfair world of chemical imbalance, I say indulge and embrace that aspect. Don’t delight in it, but use it as a comfort to you that when your partner’s hurt you, he’s hurt himself. It takes thick skin to be an ADHD partner. How you deal with it day to day, year to year, is entirely up to you.”

I nodded again, knowing the truth of that.

Dr. Sawyer looked at his watch. “Okay, so you may have noticed some of these particulars,” he continued, pointing once again at the board. “Social cues that we would normally take from others, facial expressions, body language, when to shut up, ADHD patients may never pick up on. This also can include saying something inappropriate—”

“Or lying,” I interrupted.

“Or interrupting people with a change in conversation topic.” Dr. Sawyer chuckled as he raised a brow to look back at me. “In what context is the lying being done?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I’ll catch him exaggerating the truth to make himself look better, or to impress me. Or flat out lying about something I know isn’t true for the same purpose. It makes me feel...a little sick inside. It’s one of my hang ups with this and he sometimes puts me in the position to lie with or for him. And sometimes it seems like he does it to get out of trouble or avoid the truth, altogether. He doesn’t do it all the time.”

“So these lies aren’t harmful?” he questioned.

“Never, not really. It’s just...it makes me uncomfortable.”

“ADHD patients struggle every day to fit in; they struggle
every single day
for acceptance. It’s not uncommon for people with it to lie about simple things you may find trivial in order to fit in with a conversation. Lying to avoid disappointment is also common. ADHD sufferers don’t want to feel disliked or unwanted in any capacity, so in a way it’s a defense mechanism for him. They want love and acceptance, and not just by you, by the people who are important to you and to them and by complete strangers on the street. All of us want that same acceptance. It’s human nature, but with ADHD they need it even more. ADHD
craves
acceptance. They may lie to keep from disappointing you or others. It’s a constant struggle. In some cases they may inadvertently lie with every intention of making the statement true and not following through, making a statement a lie. I’m not trying to justify lying or tell you to simply accept it. I’m simply stating the fact for the case of those afflicted.”

I nodded as he continued. “Now, hyper focus is pretty self-explanatory. It’s an intense focus on whatever they may be working on or deem necessary and can even sometimes be related to you in some way. This can range anywhere from music, to a television show, to a subject matter, to a particular person. It’s the backbone of most of his repetitive behavior. You may notice a song he’s suddenly smitten with being played on repeat over and over, or certain behaviors—”

“Sex.” I chuckled, knowing I’d had more than one of those amazing days.

“Exactly.”

“I hope that doesn’t wane,” I said under my breath. Dr. Sawyer heard it but simply smiled as he looked at his board.

“Okay, now we get to impulse control or lack thereof. This can be dangerous on several levels. ADHD patients can randomly insult someone spur of the moment because they don’t always think their words through, or act impulsively, putting themselves in harm’s way, leading to physical hurt. This is one of the most dangerous aspects of ADHD. It can lead to serious issues and is one of the main reasons for medication. It can also result in other things you might deem spontaneous and fun but can actually be harmful in the long run. Impulse purchases you may not be able to afford they may deem necessary. A comment to a friend or family member that could lead to—”

“The bruises,” I said absently, getting the doctor’s attention. “He comes home with bruises a lot and his employer said he injures himself often. This is impulse?”

“Yes, and it’s also a clear indicator of our primary symptom: attention deficit. People with ADHD have a difficult time keeping focus at work, often leading to job loss or disciplinary issues.”

Dread coursed through my veins when I thought of how Jayden had repeatedly come home hurt. Mostly minor injuries, but alarming just the same.

“And this can only be treated with medication?”

“Yes, there is no cure for ADHD. They are at risk, like every other person who opts out of medication. Temper outburst, no matter how short lived, can lead to destructive behavior with real and possibly legal consequences. His impulse can get them physically hurt or cause severe problems in your marriage or with family and friends due to lack of control.”

“He refuses to even discuss meds,” I said, feeling my face pale.

“I understand this reasoning, and though I still won’t go into specifics, you have noticed the routine created.”

“Yes, everyday like clockwork. It never ends and he rarely strays from it.”

“It’s their way of coping, and so far it’s been extremely successful. A lot of people with ADHD are extremely disorganized and have a hard time pulling their weight around the house. In this case, putting a positive spin on his housework has eliminated some of the most problematic symptoms because he stays organized. Deterring from their routine can cause anxiety levels to rise and may lead to outbursts. This is where social anxiety, or being afraid of the unknown, can come into play.”

“This is so on point,” I said, exasperated. “To the point of OCD.”

Dr. Sawyer chuckled. “Choose your battles ...” He paused only briefly before adding, “Someone with ADHD has made a huge adjustment inviting you into their life; their world has completely changed as a result, the marriage a clear indicator that they want you a permanent part of that routine. And, to be completely honest, this is the part where it’s going to hurt you most.”

“Okay.” I looked up at him expectantly as he resumed his seat next to me. “Once you are completely integrated in their mind, you may have a tougher time getting attention on all levels: emotionally and physically, being heard. You may even feel neglected at times. There may be several times in your relationship when you feel like your wants and needs aren’t met and may be far from your partner’s priority. It’s not lack of love, it’s—”

“He’ll be used to me,” I said, completely deflated.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Your role as wife will remain, but may shift in importance, and you will probably have a really hard time with that.”

“So, I’ll lose him.” My heart began to beat faster at the thought I wouldn’t have the Jayden I fell for.

“Not necessarily.”

“God, this...What am I supposed to do with this!” I said, suddenly pissed at the hand I’d been dealt. “I love him. I don’t want our relationship to change. I feel like we are already failing.”

“Your partner doesn’t want it to change, either.”

“What do I do?” I said, suddenly desperate. “What he and I have, God it’s everything to me.”

“Then you fight for it and keep fighting every single day. You take the days as they come. You have told me you can deal with most of the daily symptoms with ease. You two have a comfort zone and can go weeks or months without incident, correct?”

“Yes,” I agreed.

“Then deal with each situation the disorder may cause as an isolated incident. Don’t expect the worst from your partner. They need acceptance first and foremost. Keep your role as wife, not mother. I cannot stress that enough. ADHD partners, or more specifically wives of ADHD patients have a way of emasculating their men. Unintentionally, for the most part. A lot of times the statement that ‘It’s like having another child,’ tends to come out of their mouths. And in a way, it’s a very understandable statement.”

He crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, looking at me carefully. “Support your partner, encourage him, and when you run out of the endless patience, find some more. Whether or not you are capable of that is entirely up to you.”

I looked down at my ring finger and back up to him.

“And when you lose it, when you just can’t take it and you crack—and you will—give yourself a break. You won’t always be the perfect ADHD partner. You will make mistakes just like he will. He has a part to play in this as well. Jayden, though I shouldn’t tell you this, is very aware of his disorder. He comes to me willingly to keep himself educated and manage his symptoms. He is determined to live as close to someone unaffected as humanly possible. He’s extremely dedicated and even more so now that he has a young wife to care for.”

“Thank you,” I said, unable to hold back the lone tear that escaped me.

“My appointment should be here,” he said, getting up to head to his door, “but I am here for you and Jayden both anytime you need me.”

“I’ll pay you for this,” I said, pulling out my checkbook. He quickly closed his hand over mine. “Absolutely not. If we continue with sessions, I’ll consider it. I look at this as a consult, and besides, I wanted to meet you. I’m very partial to Jayden. We’ve been a team for a long time and I am truly proud of him and congratulate you both. You two may have struggles to deal with, but you also have so much to look forward to. Get out of your own head for a while and focus on the good. Don’t lose sight of why you married him and don’t let his disorder mar your love for him.”

“I don’t think I’m capable of ever loving him less,” I said, shaking his hand.

“He deserves you,” Dr. Sawyer said quietly. “He’s a good man.”

“Thank you so much,” I said again, taking a deep breath and walking through the door.

“Hey, Bennett,” Dr. Sawyer greeted his next appointment. I looked at the young boy as his mother ushered him into the office.

“Doc,” he replied just before the door shut.

I sat in the quiet confines of my car in the parking lot for a full ten minutes absorbing everything I’d just heard. I wondered how other wives of ADHD patients dealt with the day to day. I’d seen a ton of online support groups I’d never deemed relevant to me until this very moment. I had so many answers handed to me today, but I still had so many questions. And if I wanted those answered, I’d have to do the work.

“Holy shit,” I mumbled, starting my car. On the drive home, I mentally kicked the crap out of myself for not doing more to learn about ADHD in the beginning. I had no idea what my reaction would have been when I wasn’t head over heels in love with Jayden and could make a more informed decision about how willing I would be to deal with this. Would I have walked away before we got serious? Would I have given up the possibility of him because of what being with him entailed, or the amount of sacrifice it would take to maintain this type of relationship? It all boiled down to worth. And it didn’t take long.

He was worth it. The heartache was worth it. The headache was worth it. And the payoff of being Mrs. Jayden Monroe was worth it.

I’d vowed long ago to be ADHD’s greatest adversary, and now that I was armed with more knowledge of what it really was, it was time to suit up and fight. With all the answers I didn’t realize I needed swirling around in my head, I mentally traded in my doubts for boxing gloves. This was my life, this was the hard truth of the conscious decision I’d made of being with Jayden Monroe.

But the real battle belonged to my husband. I was the partner of ADHD. But Jayden
was
ADHD. That alone shortened my pity party and filled me with renewed strength. His fight was a lot harder than mine and when he was tired, I would have to lift my gloves to help him.

And from what I’d already experienced, I knew I’d better be ready. And for Jayden, I would be.

Arriving home that day, I’d been prepared to try to talk things out with Jayden if he was receptive. I walked in to a blaring
Sail by Awolnation
and froze as I stood in the doorway, listening to the words. This was definitely frustration and anger. The song’s lyrics gutted me as I put my purse down to find Jayden. I heard a sharp exhale coming from the bedroom and made my way to the door. My tongue thickened when I spotted Jayden on the floor doing sit ups in his boxers. His body was glistening with sweat as he pushed himself. He glanced up at me but didn’t stop his vigorous workout.

“Hi,” I said, taking a step into the room as the music coursed through me. “Nice song choice. Are you trying to tell me something?”

He continued his exertion as I studied his perfection. My pulse kicked as I saw his muscles flex with each lift of his upper body. I was trying in vain to discard my budding arousal, because frankly it was not the time, but it had been weeks and he looked like a welcomed tsunami in the desert. Without invitation, I sat on his feet and braced his knees, the way I often did when he worked out at home. He paused in between his next lift as he glanced at me warily.

“So now I exist?” he huffed, resuming his pace.

“Don’t,” I pleaded as I watched his face twist with the energy he expelled.

“Don’t what?” he questioned harshly as he avoided my eyes.

“I was hoping we could talk,” I said.

“About what?” he pushed out angrily.

“Us,” I said, wrapping my arms around his knees and myself further around him.

“What us? Oh, the us you forbid me not to let go of and then turned around and abandoned yourself?” He pulled his feet from under me, leaving me on the floor, and made his way into the bathroom.

“Jayden, I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. I’ve just been working things out in my head.”

He paused in the doorway and looked back at me as if he didn’t want to believe me. “It happens this exact same way every time.”

I pulled myself off the floor, confused until realization dawned. “Don’t categorize me with them,” I said behind Jayden as he started the shower.

“Why not?” he said, turning to look back at me as he dropped his shorts. “In order to be different baby, you kind of have to
act
different. Besides my mother, you
were
the only woman in my life that never made me feel disposable.”

I let the sting run its course.

I blinked my tears away, becoming more frustrated by the second. “So there’s no room for error on my part at all? You are the one who gets to fuck up and be forgiven, but I have to be a saint?”

He expelled a breath and looked at me with remorse. “Can we just not do this today? Call Gerri and go spend some time with her. I’m going out with the guys for a few hours.” He got into the shower and closed the curtain as I stood there, feeling the space between us widen unbearably. I stripped off my clothes and got into the shower behind him as he shampooed his hair. I stood in the back, coveting his muscled back and beautiful wet skin as he braced himself against the steady stream.

God, he was beautiful. When he turned around and saw me, he didn’t look surprised. His eyes raked my naked body and I felt the pull like I always did, but stood still.

He smirked as he caught my heated eyes taking him in. “You know, lately when you look at me, I don’t know what you’re thinking anymore. But right now, I can read your thoughts loud and clear.” He took a step forward as my breathing picked up. The muscle between his legs began to get hard and brushed up against my stomach as he placed his hands on the tile on either side of my face. “We’ve always been good at this, haven’t we?” he whispered an inch from my lips, his heated eyes searing into mine. “I could lift your leg right now and slide into you knowing you’d be ready and I’d fit perfectly,” he murmured as his breath hit my skin. His lashes lowered as he took in the rapid rise and fall of my chest. “Fill you over and over again, and make you scream my name as you come.” He gripped his length and began to stroke it as he leaned into my ear and whispered, “I can already taste you on my tongue, feel your thighs shake around me.” He pulled back, letting himself go.

Seduced and thoroughly ready, I reached for him but he stopped me.

“Please touch me,” I begged.

“I can’t.”

“I’m just trying to love you the best way I know how,” I pleaded.

His face twisted in hurt as his eyes bore into mine. “Aren’t you the one who said it was easy to love me?” he reminded me, taking another step back beneath the water, his eyes still glued to mine.

I bit my lip as tears threatened. He was punishing me for my distance.

He was being a bastard.

“It is,” I said carefully.

“Then why do you have to try?”

“Do you want me to give up?” I asked, desperate. “What do you want, Jayden?”

He didn’t hesitate with his answer. “I want my wife back.” I nodded, knowing he was right. Our connection far exceeded sex and we wouldn’t be doing each other any favors giving into our urges. It wouldn’t solve anything. Braving the truth of my adventure today, I braced myself as I confessed.

“I saw Dr. Sawyer today.” Jayden’s face contorted slightly in confusion before he smiled ironically with a nod. “Good, I’m glad.”

“You aren’t angry?” I said both confused and relieved.

“No, did you expect me to be?” I shrugged as he looked at me curiously.

“He didn’t discuss your private thoughts or anything like that. It was for me.”

“I get it,” he muttered, turning back around to lather his body with soap and water.

“I wanted so much to understand what you go through. And...I mean, he really helped...explained a lot. I had no idea how hard it was for you, Jayden. I just wish you would have told me.”

“What about you?” he asked, his voice slightly cold. “Did you tell him how hard it is for you?” I nodded as my lips quivered with the emotion threatening to burst out of me. Jayden pulled me under the water with him, but still kept his distance. I pushed up on my toes to kiss the divot in his chin and he allowed it, along with my move to leave a slow kiss on his lips.

“Your wife is right here,” I offered as I held my heart out to him.

“I’m late,” he said, running his fingers through my wet hair before making a quick escape out of the shower.

Me and my unclaimed heart finished our shower and watched as our husband made his way out the front door to escape us both.

Hours later in bed, I smelled the vodka before I felt the sweet and gentle kiss on my lips. I was just about to return it and throw my arms around his neck when I heard Jordan whisper from our bedroom doorway.

“Jayden, man, I’ve got the game ready to go. Leave her alone and let her sleep. She’ll be pissed if you wake her up when you’re drunk.”

I felt the weight shift as he left the bed and then heard his desperate reply from the doorway. “I’m losing her, man.”

“Bullshit,” was the last I heard as the door closed. I couldn’t make out the rest of their conversation. I wanted to go to Jayden, tell him that I wasn’t going anywhere, but I didn’t due to the drunk comment and the fact that he had company—which was rare since his confrontation with Randy. He’d only introduced me to a handful of friends since I’d known him. It seemed that was all he had. He was even more cautious when they came over and refused to leave the room if I was in it. With Jordan, he seemed completely at ease, and so did I. I was glad he trusted him enough to lean on and confide in. It was hard watching him recover from losing one of his oldest friends.

I decided I would make it my mission to bridge the gap between us in the morning. I wanted nothing more than to forget the last couple of weeks and move on. It was time to let go, and my pity party had hurt us both. His lingering kiss comforted me as I drifted back to sleep.