Loving the White Liar (24 page)

Eight months after I became Mrs. Monroe, I reached a breaking point.

I was going through our credit card statement on the couch, readying myself to pay the bills to start my business.

No matter how much I could do on my own, there were a few things I needed and I had been saving for months. It was my last step in launching my new dream.

When I pulled up our online statement, I gasped. Taking several deep breaths, I carefully surveyed the damage to our savings account and then rechecked the balance of our credit card.

Anger shot through me in waves as I realized Jayden had in just one month drained our savings on simple and stupid purchases. I no longer had half of what I needed to start my company.

Livid and reeling, I slammed my laptop shut just as Jayden walked through the door. I didn’t give a damn about reading his mood. I didn’t give a damn about how best to broach him; I launched into a full blown attack.

“What the hell have you done?!” I confronted him as he looked at me in surprise before spouting off.

“What a greeting. Should we try this again?” he snapped as he attempted to walk past me.

“Hell no, you will talk to me right now,” I demanded, planting myself in front of him.

“Hilary, give me ten minutes,” he said, pushing me gently aside.

“You spent everything I was saving, and some of the house fund! What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking we needed shit and so I charged it. You aren’t exactly innocent with your closet full of new clothes,” he countered as I jumped in front of him again.

“I spent a hundred, you spent almost a thousand! I don’t have enough money to launch! It will take me months to save!”

Jayden looked at me pensively before his jaw set in a hard line. “I’ll make it up. I’ll make it happen.”

“How? Just how will you do that, huh? All this work I’ve done, all this shit I’ve set up, I can’t pay for any of it!” My anger boiled over as I went on. “You can’t possibly help me make it up!”

“I asked for ten minutes.” He walked past me to the bedroom and I was hot on his heels. “Just what a man needs when he comes home sweating his ass off after a hard day,” he bitched as he walked toward the bedroom. Almost as an afterthought, he turned to slam the door to keep me out, not realizing I was behind him. The wood caught me in the face and the knees and I flew back, landing on my ass in the bathroom across the hall behind me. I screamed out in pain, holding my pulsing nose. Jayden opened the door and his eyes widened as he realized he’d hit me.

“You!” I screamed, completely incapable of holding back. Jayden’s eyes widened further as I held my hand to my face. “You are ruining my life!” Jayden came forward and snatched a washcloth from the towel rack and tilted my head up as he gently applied pressure. Snatching my head away, I threw the towel to the floor as I raged at the pain coursing through me and the betrayal I felt: that he didn’t care how hard I worked, that he didn’t care about how everything I’d done in the last few months was slipping away. Jayden, still intent on tending to my nose, ran to the kitchen, getting me an ice pack as I turned to look in the bathroom mirror. My nose was only slightly swollen and wasn’t even bleeding. Jayden rounded the corner, apologizing with each breath as he once again tilted my chin up, holding an ice pack to my face.

“Jesus, I didn’t know you were behind me,” he bit out, his face panic stricken.

“Do you know you ruined everything for me? Everything I worked for?” Jayden took a step back as I tore into him, still unable to hold back. “I wanted
one
thing for me. You knew how important this was for me. How could you be so careless?”

“I’ll fix it.”

“Lie,” I fired back, completely out of control even as I saw the hurt cross his features. “You ruined it!”

“I will fix it. I’ll get the money back. I’ll take care of it.”

“Another lie,” I said, fuming as the loss overcame me and I began to cry. “You hardly ever do what you say you will. You are nothing but a liar. No!” I snapped as he took a step toward me, remorse clear in his features.

“Stay the hell away from me,” I sobbed. “How am I supposed to forgive you for this?” Jayden stood looking at me, completely lost. “How am I supposed to forgive you? Answer me!”

“You aren’t,” he answered in a low voice. “Don’t.”

“What?” I asked, confused. I turned my attention away from my survey of my nose in the mirror to look back at him.

He slid down against the hall wall, putting his hands on his head.

“Jayden,” I said, knowing exactly what he was about to say. “It’s not happening.”

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Well, it’s going to happen. I was angry. I’m still angry,” I said, standing my ground. “But I’m sorry for what I said.”

“I know,” he said, pulling his sad blue eyes up to mine. Still covered in his workday, his clothes filthy, he looked edible and beautiful and completely destroyed by what I’d just said. “You deserve a guy who can give you things. Things I can’t afford.”

“Bullshit,” I said, taking the seat on the opposite wall.

“And a guy who won’t fuck up your dinner or your good mood by telling you he doesn’t like your dress.”

“I get over that shit, Jayden, stop it!” I looked to see his eyes fill with tears.

“You deserve more. Better than what I can do,” he said simply. “You have ambition and I... don’t. I have no desire to do anything more than what I’m doing right now. Can you honestly say that’s enough for you?”

“We’re married,” I pushed out.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be,” he whispered.

I clutched my chest as my heart shattered. “Don’t you dare,” I threatened.

“You kept your promise, baby, and I believe you always would if I let you, but I love you enough to realize, I may very well fuck up your life. Asking you to deal with this was selfish, and I told you that. I’m not ever going to be under control. I’m not ever going to be easy to deal with. I’m not ever going to be
that
man.”

“And I married you because you weren’t. It was a fight. We will have more.” I stood, no longer willing to listen to anymore of his nonsense. “I’ll just borrow against the house fund. We can save more money later.”

“Hil—” Jayden protested.

“I don’t want to hear it, whatever it is.”

“You deserve someone you aren’t afraid to have babies with.” He looked up at me as my face crumbled.

“You are afraid of me, no matter how much you try to hide it.”

“That’s not true,” I said, voice trembling. “It’s not.”

“It is,” he said as a lone tear fell down his cheek. “Because I’m afraid, too.”

“It’s not like you blow up every day, Jayden. It’s been so long since—”

“But it’s only been ten minutes since you have,” Jayden said as he ran his hands through his hair. “I brought that out of you with
my shit
.”

“I was hurt, angry. I’ve had to let go of a lot worse from you.”

“And you shouldn’t have to,” he said, resigned as he stood to look down at me. “Look at your face,” he groaned as his tears came down heavy. “The way you are looking at me.”

“Jayden, we’ll get through it. Don’t make this more than it is.”

“It is more, Hilary. I’m just stating the truth. You want to know what goes on inside my head? I’ll make it simple. I’m not going to be able to be the husband you need. I can’t hand you the things that you want. I’m not capable of a lot of the things other husbands can do. And I’m tired of feeling guilty about it.”

“Selfish,” I said as new hurt blossomed in my chest. “That’s selfish.”

Squaring my shoulders, I didn’t give myself time to think through my words. “You aren’t doing this. I won’t let you do this. I’ll fight you every step of the way.”

“Baby, listen—”

“No,
you
listen. If I don’t get to love you, who will? Are you going to go through your entire life letting women fall for you and push them away when things get hard for them? For you? How many women will you go through after me, and which one of them do you think could possibly love you more? Is this what you want for you? And what about me and the fact that I’m not myself when we aren’t together? That every single day I pride myself on loving you and on being your wife, regardless of the bullshit we face. You mean everything to me.” I pushed his chest.

“I
can
live without you, but I refuse to and you aren’t going to make the choice for me. What part of I do didn’t you understand?” I sobbed as I twisted my ring.

“I’m trying to understand. I’ve accepted you as you are, but I’m still allowed to be angry when I feel it, and sad and disappointed and all of those things. But they don’t amount to shit in comparison to how good we have it. We are worth it.” I looked at him and gave him pure honesty with my next words.

“I can forgive you for almost anything, but if you ever threaten ending us again, I will
never
forgive you that.” I made my way into the bedroom and closed the door behind me.

I would love to say we kissed and made up after that day, but the truth was we were arguing incessantly about money we didn’t have and bills we couldn’t afford to pay because of Jayden’s careless spending. I was spending more time on the web in an attempt to start my business than I was making my marriage a priority. I was starting to shy away from Jayden as well and he called me on it every chance he got. Things seemed bleak and it only added insult to injury that I hadn’t allowed him to touch me intimately in weeks. I was too busy mourning our former relationship to work on the one I was currently in. Words were said, promises were broken, and at one point he’d accused me of leaving him while I was still living with him.

“You may still have your clothes in the closet, Hilary, but you have one foot out of the door. I’m trying here. I can’t do it alone.” And he was right. I was withdrawing. And I was breaking my own heart and playing the hypocrite. I had told him never to threaten us with separation and there I was putting the space between us. The change was slow, but was becoming more and more present. Even with vows between us and all the love I felt, my heart was forming a sort of barricade. He was becoming less interested in my new business venture and I was having a hard time holding his attention. The tension was there, it was palpable and it felt very much like resentment.