Loving the White Liar (27 page)

The next morning I woke before my alarm went off and saw Jayden had already left. Completely disheartened, I made my way to the bathroom to start getting ready. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me now altogether. Chest aching, I threw my negligee on the floor and grabbed my toothbrush then paused. Jayden’s iPod was taped to the bathroom mirror with a small note attached that said he’d make things right and he loved me. I pushed play and my heart leapt to my throat as
Mirrors by Justin Timberlake
rang throughout the bathroom. I stood bared with my arms crossed over my chest as I listened to Jayden’s borrowed words, completely raw as they covered me with hope. By the time the second chorus rang out, I was a blubbering mess. I hit repeat and replayed the song over and over as I showered until my phone rang. I rinsed off quickly and grabbed it right before it went to voicemail, hoping it was Jayden, but it was my mother.

“Mom, I’m in the shower—”

“They took it all. Oh, God he’s gone. He’s gone!” My mother was somewhere between hysterical and sobbing. Realization dawned on me that after several months of careful packing, we had finally arranged for a truck to take my father’s belongings away...this morning.

“Mom, listen to me—”

“I can’t live without him, don’t you understand! I can’t! You all want me to but I can’t. His things were all I had!”

“Mom, I’m on my way, okay? Hang on.” I heard her agonizing sob on the other end before she hung up. In all my years of living, I had never heard her like this. I raced to my bedroom and stuffed some clothes in a small suitcase I’d purchased for my honeymoon. I wasn’t about to leave her side until I knew she was okay. I quickly sent a text to Jayden telling him I needed to be with my mother and I wouldn’t be home.

I raced to my mother’s house to find her on the front porch, her cell phone on the steps beside her. I ran from my car to her as she stood up and hugged her as she sobbed into me.

“I know I’m
your
Mom, I shouldn’t have done that to you. I’m sorry, honey.” She sniffed as I cried into her arms. “I can’t understand how people move past this. Tell me how people move past this?!”

“I don’t know,” I pulled away and stared at her red-rimmed, brown eyes, ruined by what I saw. She was not the smile ready mother I was used to. She’d held all of this hurt inside her. I felt honored to be there for her, the way she had for me and my siblings my entire life. And at the same time, it broke me that my stoic mother had been so brave all of this time with this deep etched and never-ending hurt hiding beneath.

I guided her into the house and sat her on the couch then went to the kitchen and made us both some sweet tea.

“Thanks,” she said, taking her glass and putting it on the coffee table. “Hilary, I shouldn’t have done that to you. I’ve counted more on you in the last six months than I ever have anyone.”

“Mom, I’m glad you did. I’m glad you called me,” I said, grabbing her hand. “I miss Daddy all the time. I miss him so much.” My voice cracked. “I don’t talk about him because you don’t. I know it seems silly but I think I’ve been waiting on you.” Tears slid down both our faces as I looked around the house.

“That was just stuff, Mom. You know, it didn’t keep him here.”

“I know how stupid it may seem, but I could walk around every day and see something and it would trigger a memory. I wasn’t ready to lose that.” She sniffed as she pulled out a tissue from the box on the table.

“God, Mom, I’m so sorry. I’ll call them right now. I’m sure the truck hasn’t unloaded.” I pulled my cell out of my pocket, but she stilled my hand.

“And then what?” she asked on a sigh. “And then I unpack it all and have more of a reason not to leave this house, not to think about anything other than the fact that he’s gone. No, it was the right thing to do, and honestly, I would have never been ready.” I nodded, noticing a text from Jayden but deciding it could wait until later.

My mother looked at me with all sincerity. “It wasn’t enough. We had so many years together, but it wasn’t enough, Hilary. Almost four decades and I want more, damn it!” She went limp as her sobs consumed her. “Each day is another day away from the time we were together, you know what I mean? I feel like I’m losing him all over again.” I clung to her as she gripped me hard, letting her emotion take over.

I sat with my mother for long hours just listening to her talk about my father. The things he did, the memories they had before children came along. I was completely fascinated. We spent hours on her back porch sipping some concoction that Alexis had left behind as she told me of the days when they first met.

“He was so damn good looking, Jesus, but what got me the most was his smile. I knew when I saw it I wanted it replicated.” She gave me a wink. “So when he asked me out I told him to kiss my ass.”

I spit out my drink as she went on with no reaction to my astonishment, or the liquid that now covered her wicker furniture.

“That man was the biggest ass this side of the Mason-Dixon line. I had never met anyone so arrogant, so damn prideful. I swore he was going to hit me over the head with a club and declare me his Jane.” My mother took a sip of her drink and looked over at me with a smile. “Everyone wanted him and I was no exception, but I knew better than to make myself available.”

“What happened?” I asked, intrigued.

“I started dating someone else,” she said coyly. “I knew he would call my bluff so I made the other guy way too convincing. Your father fought me tooth and nail for months.”

On the edge of my seat, I leaned in. “And then what?”

“I won.” She winked again. “Your father was everything and nothing like the man you knew. Just like I am, parents are people, too, you know. When you kids were born, things changed and we have no regrets, but we were pretty damn crazy back in our day. And don’t ask because I won’t tell. It was the seventies. Use your imagination.”

I laughed as I poured some more concoction out of the pitcher and into our glasses.

“Sometimes I think we had too many kids,” she whispered under her breath. I felt a sharp sting of confusion as she looked up with glossy eyes to read my face. “Not because of what you’re thinking, honey. God, we love you so much ...” She paused as her eyes filled again. “So many more chances to lose you, you know. I haven’t gone to bed one night without praying repeatedly for your safety...times four.”

“I understand,” I said, nodding. “It’s a lot to worry about. And Sabrina...well, she’s scary.” My mother chuckled as I thumbed my ring, thinking of Jayden. Seeing my mother like this, missing her husband, made none of the fights Jayden and I were having seem important. I quickly excused myself to the bathroom and checked my phone. I saw Jayden’s response to my text from earlier this morning.

Jayden: Everything all right?

Me: Everything’s fine. I’m going to stay here for the weekend.

Jayden: Okay.

Me: I love you.

No response had me sighing heavily. He was shutting down on me. I quickly had to tell him my absence had nothing to do with our problems.

Me: I need to be here, today was bad for her.

I dialed his number and my heart sank when he didn’t answer. He wasn’t going to believe me and two more unanswered texts told me he was no longer listening.

I cursed him for that. At a time when I needed to handle my mother with gentle gloves, my husband was too impatient to understand or even give me the time of day to explain. I was furious by the time he answered me.

Jayden: I’ll make this right.

In
that
moment, a part of me wanted to give up.

He wasn’t listening and my absence now, at the worst possible time, only convinced him even more that I still had one foot out the door. I’d never shut him out before the way I had, and I understood why he was hesitant to believe me. He’d never had a relationship last beyond his ADHD. And as determined as ever, I knew I would be the first, even if I was emotionally drained. I needed to recharge and my mother needed me, so I left the battle alone until I was ready to face it.

And then I didn’t hear from him the next day or the next. I called and texted and got nothing. He was shutting me out again.

Me: Talk to me, please. I’m here to be with my mother. She needs me. How selfish can you be?

Nothing.

“Is that Jayden?” my mother asked, knowing full well who I was texting after day two.

“Yeah,” I said quickly, not wanting to add any more drama to the situation we were currently handling. My mother was still letting her emotions takeover, which I encouraged. She’d bottled them up for too long.

“I love the way you look at him. It’s so refreshing,” she murmured as she stirred a pot of chicken and dumplings.

“How do I look at him, Mom?” I asked, clinging to every positive thing I could in regards to my marriage.

She turned to look at me curiously. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Really nothing I wasn’t expecting,” I offered quickly, mixing the biscuits for her to drop in the boiling pot by the spoonful.

“With marriage, don’t expect anything. That way you’ll be surprised by everything.” She winked. “But this isn’t a good thing, is it?” I shook my head no.

“You ever hear the saying that the perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other?”

“No.”

“Now you have,” she said with a chuckle. “You two will be fine. You know how I’m sure?”

I looked up at her with glossy eyes, trying my best to believe her.

“Because of the way you look at your husband.”

****

I fought through the workday the next day, trying not to call him. I was originally going to go home last night, but was still furious about his inability to answer me. If I wanted things to work, I couldn’t go home ready to blow up. Pride would have to be wiped away in lieu of unconditional love. That was my biggest lesson to learn, and I was still having trouble swallowing it.

The truth was simple: I had to prove my love to him by sticking around. But in the meantime, I could come back to my marriage by being the woman he proposed to. And that night, I had every intention of being the doting wife.

I walked through our front door with groceries in hand and smiled when I saw Jayden on the couch. Trip began leaping in front of me and knocked a bag out of my hand.

“Damn it, Trip. Chill out,” I bitched as I hit the floor, pulling the groceries back to me to put them in the bag. “Don’t help or anything, babe. I’ve got this,” I said, laughing as Trip laid a wet one across my jaw.

Still on my knees, I looked up to meet Jayden’s eyes. He was staring off into space as I addressed him again. “Hey, babe. Earth to Jayden. Wife, horny dog, groceries...help,” I chuckled as he sat perfectly still.

“Jayden?” I questioned, feeling a sudden and horrible nagging pain in my chest. I listened for a second and realized there was no music playing. There were no candles lit and the apartment was a total mess. Papers were scattered all around him and he had all of his coffee mugs on the table. “What’s wrong?”

His eyes slowly turned to me, completely out of focus. “Jayden, baby, what’s wrong?”

He opened his mouth to speak and when nothing came out his eyes watered. I raced to his side. “What is it? Tell me, please. You are scaring me.”