Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (48 page)

We came down the gangplank, an Jeremy flew off inta the arms of a man wearin a long navy-blue coat wit a velvet collar, an striped trousers, wit his shiny black hair combed flat on his head. An he was holdin a hat in his hand. An Jeremy screamed, ‘Daddy! Daddy!' an his daddy swung him up inta his arms. The lady waved an smiled at him over the crowds, an he waved back, showin a mouth of snow-white teeth. ‘You will be all right, dear?' An she looked at me fer a second.

‘Yeah! Thanks very much.' An she turned an rushed off on her high heels, wearin her camel coat an her big-brim hat. An the daddy held out his arms an gave her a quick kiss on the lips, an off the three of them went, off together, him carryin Jeremy in one arm an the other aroun his wife's waist. I thought this was marvellous an was hopin fer a few minutes I might find a way te escape Jackser. I moved through the crowds an came te the entrance. No sign of them! But when I got outside onta the quays, there he was standin wit his hands in his pockets just starin at me. He turned away, givin me a dirty look when I moved towards him.

‘Jackser!' I squeaked, standin a few feet away from him. ‘Eh! I'm back.'

He said nothin. Just stared at me. ‘Ye're not comin back te my home. Go on! Fuck off!'

Then a man appeared, he'd been standin over against the wall watchin. ‘I'm a detective from Store Street. Are you responsible for this child?'

‘This thing is nothin te do wit me whatsoever. She doesn't belong te me. I'm only livin wit her mammy. An she doesn't want her neither. So get it outa here. It's not wanted!'

‘Listen! I can have you up for neglect an abandoning this child. Now take her home and behave yourself. And don't even think of laying a hand on her, because you are already in a lot of trouble. And we are going to be watchin you very carefully.'

‘I know the law!' Jackser roared. ‘Ye can't force me te take on another man's bastard! We want nothin te do wit her, an tha's tha!'

The detective sprang at Jackser an grabbed his arm. An he pulled him over inta a corner an pushed him against the wall. I stood, stuck te the ground, an watched the detective wavin his finger in Jackser's face. I couldn't hear wha they were sayin, but when Jackser started te shout at the man, the detective grabbed him by his shirt collar an shook him. An Jackser clamped his mouth shut, an his eyes stared, an then I saw the fight go outa him. The detective's head was movin up an down very quickly, an he was wavin his finger an makin punchin movements wit his fists te get his point across. An proddin Jackser in the chest wit two fingers an pushin him against the wall. An now Jackser was noddin his head up an down, agreein wit everythin the detective said.

‘Now be warned!' the detective said in a loud voice, steppin back from Jackser an standin wit his feet wide apart. ‘No more blackguardin! Or else!'

Jackser didn't move, he stayed in the corner. ‘No!' Jackser said. ‘I get the point. I'll do as ye say. There'll be no more trouble.'

The man waved his finger an shook his head, an moved off, sayin, ‘Ye'd be wise to heed my warning!' Then he fixed his hat on his head, cockin it te one side over his eye, an swaggered off down the quays an got inta a black car. An the other detective in the drivin seat drove off.

Me heart sank. Is tha it? Are they not goin te lag Jackser an maybe put him away or somethin? Then Jackser started te move, watchin te make sure they were gone. An he stopped te look at me. Me heart started clappin like mad. Ah, Jaysus! He's goin te kill me. I looked aroun me desperate. Oh, Holy God! The Liffey! I looked back at him, then I suddenly lifted me shoulders, stretchin me neck an straightened me arms, clenchin me fists tight by me side. ‘Tha culchie's lucky,' I squeaked, stranglin meself. Jackser came closer, droppin his head inta me face. I took another heave on me chest te get a breath. ‘I'm only sayin, tha red-neck culchie copper is one lucky man! Cos if you hadn't held yerself back, they'd be shovellin wha's left of him now offa the road!'

Jackser's eyes narrowed, an he bared his teeth, watchin me eyes, ready te clock me. Then he cocked his left eyebrow an gave his shoulders a good shake an thought about it fer a minute. I held me breath. ‘Yeah! Yeah, ye're right there! He didn't know wha he was up against. But I spotted the other bollocks sittin in the car. They'd be down on me like a ton a bricks. Mind ye! I could take on the two a them. Let them come! One at a time, I'd show them! The bastards. No better man!' Then he snuffled an rubbed his hands. ‘Ah, fuck them! Come on! Enough time's been wasted.'

Me heart lifted. Thanks be te God. An I ran down the quays te keep up wit him. He was rushin. ‘Ye better get home fast an collect the shoppin bag. There's fuck all in the house te eat. So when ye get the money, make sure ye get as much food as ye can. Now go on! You get runnin, there's no time te waste.'

I took off at a sprint, leavin Jackser te take his time. An me head was spinnin again. When I hit the end of the quays, I turned right an headed over the bridge an inta Gardiner Street. Me heart was sick, an I couldn't find a way out. I opened me mouth. ‘Ah! I can't take any more. I wish I was dead,' I roared me head cryin, an people looked at me. I kept runnin, me mouth wide open, tears an snots pourin outa me. I don't care. An old woman holdin her shoppin bag tight on her arm stopped te stare at me. As I came closer, she said, ‘What ails ye?' I hesimitated, lookin inta her face. But then I moved meself even faster. She can't do anythin.

I looked aroun me, runnin an lookin inta the faces of people. Some looked away quickly. They don't care. Nobody can do anythin. I don't want te get caught by the police an be locked away. I hate me ma. She's no good, she's always wantin me te bring her things! Ah! I wish she was dead. I hate the whole world. I'll kill meself. I'll throw meself under a fuckin car. She's a whore's melt! Me heart is pumpin, an I'm soakin wet. I tore onta the road, headin fer a lorry comin straight at me up Talbot Street. The driver sees me, an he's tryin te brake. I dare him, lockin me eyes on him. An he's turnin the wheel an brakin an slidin, an he's still headin fer me! I'm not afraid. It's goin te be all over. The truck skins me, headin up onta the footpath. I stand rooted, smellin the burnin rubber an seein smoke pourin up from the back. People are stoppin an starin, their mouths open. An now they're runnin. A woman grabs me arm. ‘What's wrong, are ye all right?' she's shoutin inta me face. I look at her.

‘Why did ye do tha?' another woman roars at me. I look at the truck driver. His head is lyin on his arms on the steerin wheel, an he's white as a sheet.

‘Come off the road!' The woman holdin me arm walks me onta the footpath. I can't think. Everythin's a bit strange, an me head is swimmin.

‘Ye ran inta tha truck,' a man roars at me, pointin his finger in me face. ‘Tha was deliberate!' he says, lookin at the two women beside me.

‘I think she's in shock,' a woman says, lookin at me. ‘Get her a cup of sweet tea. Is the poor lorry man all right?'

I look up, an he's talkin te a crowd a people standin aroun the lorry. He's shakin. I gave him a fright. I pity him now I see the bad state he's in. I go up close te the winda an look up at him. ‘Mister!' His eyes are still shocked, an I'm now feelin ashamed of meself. ‘I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry!'

He stared at me. ‘I could have killed ye! I didn't see ye until the last minute!' An he shook his head slowly. ‘Ye ran outa nowhere.'

I shook me head slowly, agreein wit him. ‘Yeah! I should've minded where I was goin.'

‘Here's the policeman!' a woman says. Me heart leapt. I looked aroun, an sure enough a copper was headin straight fer me. I took off wit the fright an lashed down Talbot Street.

‘There she is!' a woman roared after me. ‘Gone runnin, ye little blackguard! Ye nearly gave tha poor man a heart attack!'

I ran, lookin left an right, waitin fer a break in the traffic before tearin across the road between the cars an hoppin onta the footpath, takin a quick look back. Nobody runnin after me. An I shot down Corporation Street an inta the buildins.

I was fast asleep, then suddenly I was awake in shock. Jackser was pullin me outa the bed an shoutin somethin at me. I rubbed me eyes, tryin te come te me senses. ‘Get outa the bed. I told ya te go down te the fuckin road an watch fer the ambulance.' I started te look fer me frock, but the floor was lifted from under me. ‘Move, ye lazy bastard! Yer mammy needs te get te the hospital!' He landed me in the middle of the floor an smacked the frock inta me face. ‘Here! Get tha on ye an get goin.'

I dragged the frock over me head an looked over at me ma. She was sittin on the side of the bed wit her head down, an she was moanin. She had her fists dugged inta the mattress.

‘Ma,' I whispered, ‘wha's wrong? Will ye be all right?'

She looked up at me an her eyes were like daggers. ‘Leave me alone! Go an get tha fuckin ambulance. Oh, Jaysus!' she started moanin, an lowered her head te the floor. I ran fer the door.

I was just whippin back down through the flats when I heard the bells of the ambulance. The cream van shot aroun the bend an up the entrance. Me heart lifted, an I started runnin back te the flat, wavin at the ambulance an pointin te show them the way. Jackser was tryin te get me ma inta her coat, an she was moanin louder. ‘Hurry up, Sally! The ambulance is here. Ye don't want te keep them waitin.' The men came in wit the stretcher, an Jackser grabbed me an shouted, ‘Get out there an mind the ambulance. An make sure no one's watchin. I don't want them knowin me business!'

Jackser shook me awake, I was still dozy from bein up in the middle of the night. ‘Get tha babby ready. Here, give him his bottle of tea.' He was standin at the bars of his cot, roarin his head off wit his tongue stickin out, an I could see he was covered in shit. Charlie was sittin beside me wit his fists stuck between his knees an his hair stuck up. He was lookin aroun him, wonderin wha was goin on an where me ma was. He didn't say a word but I could see he was really afraid. Jackser was runnin aroun lookin fer trouble.

‘Here's yer trousers, Charlie. Put them on. Where's yer shoes?'

He stood up an dived under the bed, his hair gettin caught in the springs. ‘Ah, me head, Martha! I'm caught.' I tried te pull him back, grabbin hold of his bare arse, an he roared even more. ‘Ah! Ye're hurtin me head!'

Jackser ran over an stopped dead in front of us wit his fists clenched. There was a second of silence while Jackser took in wha was goin on, an then he lifted me by me arm an landed me at the cot. Charlie flashed out from under the bed an sat himself on the floor, puttin his two feet in one leg of the trousers an tryin te stand up.

‘Get the babby ready, Mrs! I told ya,' an Jackser gave me a smack on the side of me head. It sent me flyin, then he lifted Teddy from his cot an discovered he was full of shit an whipped him back down again. ‘Ah, Holy Jaysus, Mrs! I'm destroyed. Can ye not do anythin right? I'm warnin ye, clean tha child up an get him ready in his pram or I'll be done fer ya.'

‘OK, Jackser. I'm doin it. I know wha ye want now, an I'll do it.'

He moved away, watchin me te see if I would make a mistake. An me head was pricklin, on alert fer the blow tha might come. I put the bars of the cot down an held the babby under me arms, tryin te make him lie down te wipe the shit off his arse an legs. He was strong an bashed me wit his fists an pulled me hair, shakin his legs an sendin shit flyin everywhere. I couldn't get him te lie down, cos he was diggin in his heels an buckin his back in the air.

‘Get on wit it, Mrs! I haven't all fuckin day!'

‘Yes, Jackser! I'm nearly ready.' An I grabbed the babby's feet an whipped them inta the air, an tried te clean him wit the blanket. But he twisted himself aroun an pushed himself up on his hands an started laughin. He thought we were playin a game. Jackser was in the scullery, so I said, ‘Ah! Ah! Bold!' an he stopped te look at me. An I wiped him clean wit the blanket before he started te scream his lungs out. I lifted him out an put him on the floor an put his trousers on. He galloped off on his hands an knees inta the scullery. He keeps tryin te stand up, holdin on te the chair. Me ma says he'll be walkin soon, cos he's nearly ten months old.

We were ready. I strapped the babby inta his pram, an Jackser slammed the front door shut. I followed behind him, pushin the high pram, an Teddy was sittin up, lookin aroun the side of the hood. I pushed it back so he could look out. An he was content te lie there, enjoyin the sights an the rockin pram from me pushin it. Charlie held on te the handlebars, runnin te keep up. We had te rush, cos Jackser walks fast.

Suddenly Jackser stopped dead, an we nearly ran inta him. He was starin across the road at a man waitin fer a bus. ‘Wha's he fuckin starin at?' Jackser said. ‘Wait here, I'm goin te watch this fella, see who the fuck he's starin at!' I looked across the road te the man, who was mindin his own business, not even noticin Jackser. He was too busy watchin fer the bus. I stayed still, waitin fer Jackser te move. He does this all the time. Stops an asks people wha they're starin at. He believes everyone is out te get him, but people don't even notice him. ‘People are always fuckin watchin me!' Jackser muttered. ‘One of these days I'm goin te show the bastards. People'd better watch out, you mark my fuckin words! I'll get them!' He gave the man a dirty look. The man was nervous an he turned his back, pretendin te look in at the shop winda. I kept me head down, ashamed cos Jackser was makin a show of us.

People were now lookin at us as they passed by, wonderin wha was up, an Jackser was givin them all dirty looks. ‘What's wrong wit him?' one aul one said as she passed me. ‘Tha's a terrible carry on.'

‘Move!' Jackser suddenly roared at me. An I pushed the pram up the hill as fast as I could. Charlie gorra fright an grabbed hold of the bars, afraid he'd be left behind an Jackser'd get him. We went up Seville Place, an I noticed how quiet it was. All the childre were at school. I could hear them shoutin out their lessons when we passed by the school. I was glad I was not there, but I'd be happier if we weren't wit Jackser. The women were walkin wit their shoppin bags, goin te get their messages fer the dinner. I wondered why we weren't like tha. A woman passed by me, holdin a little young fella by the hand, an he was suckin on a big orange icepop. Charlie's eyes leapt outa his head at the sight of it, an the two of them stared at each other. The little boy was about three years old, an he was wearin an overcoat wit buttons all down the front, an long trousers an boots, an a hat tha wrapped aroun his ears. His mammy was takin great care of him, wipin his mouth wit a hankie. ‘Now, son, enjoy yer icepop an don't be gettin it all over yer coat.' I stared at her as I rushed past her. Gawd! I'd love her fer me mammy.