Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (50 page)

I had me frock on, an I was standin there lookin at the dirty floorboards, waitin fer him te let me go te bed. ‘No, Jackser! I won't say anythin.'

Me ma came home from the hospital wit the new babby. She gorra lift home in an ambulance. All the kids came runnin from everywhere te get a look. The ambulance man helped her down the steps. I was delighted, but when I looked at her face, she was very white an tired. ‘Ye're home, Ma!' I said smilin.

‘Yeah!' she muttered, lookin away from me an then lookin back. Me left eye was closed an all purple. An me cheek an nose was swollen, an me mouth was swollen an cut. Jackser kept punchin me in the face when I tried te stop him climbin on top of me in the bed. ‘How did ye get tha face?' me ma asked.

But before I could answer, Jackser lifted me off me feet an ran me in the door. ‘Get the fuck in there! I told ye not te show yerself outside this door.'

I ran inside an waited wit me back against the wall. Please, God, don't let him hit me again. I'll be good. I won't curse any more. I was shakin.

Me ma came in slowly, carryin the new babby. She kept her eyes on me, an her mouth was movin very fast, chewin her lip. She wanted te say somethin, but I implored her wit me eyes not te say anythin. He rushed inta the scullery te make the tea. An me ma put the new babby down on the bed an gently lifted the blankets from him te get some air. He was fast asleep. She gently lifted his head an took off the white frilly bonnet he was wearin. Me an Charlie leaned over te get a look. He had long fluffy red hair an a tiny white face an lovely red lips. Then he moved his head an opened his eyes, an they were lovely navy blue. Then he started te cry like a kitten, an Charlie clapped his hands an laughed an looked at me, hoppin aroun, thinkin it was a little doll ye could play wit. Teddy stopped leapin up an down in his cot an roarin te be let out. He listened an pointed his finger at the bed, an said, ‘Owo, uwu.' I went over an put the bars down an lifted him out. He flew over on his hands an knees, an grabbed the bed wit his two fists an lifted himself up te stand.

‘Here!' Jackser roared. ‘Bring this tea inta yer mammy an get them kids away. I don't want them tormentin her. An go down te the shop an get a pint of milk. Hurry! Hurry, Mrs! Put some coal on tha fire before ye go, an go easy on it. The coal has te last.'

I rushed in wit the tea, an me ma was changin the babby. ‘Here, put this in the tilet an get me one of them napkins outa tha bag. Tell him I want the bag wit the stuff I got from the lady almoner.'

‘Wha stuff? Wha bag, Ma?

‘The one wit the blankets an the nightgown fer the babby.' I looked at her, not wantin te ask Jackser anythin. ‘Will ye hurry!' me ma roared.

Jackser flew in from the scullery. ‘Wha's goin on here? Wha the fuck are ye still doin here, are ye not gone yet?'

‘I'm goin, Jackser! Ye haven't given me the money yet.'

He snorted an reached up te the mantelpiece an handed me sixpence. ‘Have ye not put coal on tha fire yet, ye lazy bastard?' I grabbed the coal bucket an started te put coal on the fire. ‘Rake out the ashes from the bottom first,' he shouted. ‘Ye'll put the fire out.' I grabbed the poker an pushed it through the bars of the fire. ‘Not too much, ye'll take the heart outa it.'

‘OK, Jackser. I'll do it the right way.'

Me ma was keenin an mutterin, ‘Jaysus! Why do I have te come back te this place? I wish I was fuckin dead. Ye'd be better off, at least ye'd be away from here.'

I was hurryin down te the shop fer the milk, but I couldn't go very fast. I was hurtin like mad, an I gorra stabbin pain in me head an eye when I moved. ‘How're ye?' a young one from the class shouted over te me from the other side of the road. Then she came runnin over. ‘Gawd! Wha happened te yer face?' She stared at me wit her mouth open.

‘I fell against the wall.'

‘How? How did it happen?'

‘I just fell, some kids pushed me.'

‘Gawd!' she said, drawin in her breath. ‘An tell us, why are ye not in school? Flaherty will kill ye!'

‘Ah, I don't care about her,' I said.

‘But she'll send the school inspector after ye!'

‘I don't care.'

‘An ye'll be put away in a home!'

‘So let them! I don't care.'

‘Gawd! Ye're gas ye are, ye're mad.'

‘Yeah! See ya! I better hurry. Me ma's waitin on the milk.'

‘See ya, Madser!'

I didn't mind too much bein called tha, cos they all called me tha since Flaherty. They didn't mean I was stone mad, just tha I wasn't afraid of anythin or anybody, an I was always laughin an makin jokes so people might like me an let me play wit them. I had te try very hard te be like tha. But it was no good bein quiet or shy.

Jackser started leavin the house early in the mornin. He goes out aroun five or six o'clock when we're all still sleepin. Then he comes back aroun eight or nine o'clock wit women's knickers an slips, an skirts an jumpers. But the funny thing is, they're wet! Me ma tries them on when they're dry, an then he sends me off te the neighbours te sell them. He sent me over wit a black slip an matchin frilly knickers an a lovely white frilly nightdress te the dyed blonde woman who lives over us on the first balcony. She wears paint an powder, an lovely pencil skirts wit a slit down the back. An big high heels wit black stockins, an she's always stoppin te straighten the seams at the back an fix her hair. She's married te a docker, an every Friday night he struts out wit his chest stickin out, an walks like a cowboy, wit the Mrs on his arm. She runs beside him on her high heels, an in her tight skirt, laughin an wavin te all her friends. An ye get a lovely whiff of perfume from them as they pass ye by. The aul ones, leanin on their elbows an hangin over the balconies, shout over, ‘Don't do anythin I wouldn't! Or if ye do, call it after me!'

‘Ah, go on!' the blonde one shouts back, laughin. ‘I'm out te enjoy meself. We'll be a long time dead!'

‘Tha ye will, Mrs! True fer ye! Enjoy it while ye can.' An they all nod at each other in agreement.

‘Where did ye get these from?' the blonde asked.

‘Me ma's sister sent them from England,' I said. ‘But me ma has no use fer them.'

‘How much do ye want?'

‘Half a crown.'

‘Ah, no!' an she looked at them inside out. ‘Tell ye wha! I don't really want them, but tell yer mammy I'll take them off her hands fer one shillin an sixpence.'

‘Ah, they're worth ten bob as they stand,' I said. ‘Me aunt paid thirty bob fer the nightdress on its own. It was supposed te be a present fer her after she had the new babby, but me ma wouldn't wear anythin like tha. She's not as glamorous as you!'

The blonde put the nightdress up te herself again, then looked at the slip an matchin knickers. ‘Yeah! Go on, then. I'll take them. Here's a half-crown, an if ye get anythin else I'd like, let me know.' She rushed in te the sittin room an said, ‘Wait there!' an came back wit a slice of bread an lovely good butter on it. ‘Here! Enjoy tha.'

Me heart leapt! The crust was black an crunchy, an the bread was thick an snow white an soft. An the butter was lathered on an was a lovely goldie colour. I was so happy – a half-crown in one hand, tha would put Jackser in a good mood, an a lovely lump of bread an butter in the other. I sat down on the stairs te eat it very slowly, tryin te make it last. An enjoyin the taste like I was in Heaven.

The new babby is called Harry, after Jackser's brother who went te England an never came back. I take him out everywhere in his pram, an Teddy sits at the bottom, holdin onta the handlebars. An Charlie runs beside me, holdin on, too. Harry is very good, he's very quiet. An he's content te lie wit his little head on the pilla while I bounce him along in his pram, takin in all the goins on aroun him. His eyes goes from left te right, missin nothin. The mammies stop te admire him an say he's a gorgeous-lookin babby, God bless him! An Harry jerks his little body an waves his fists an makes an O sound wit his little mouth when anyone leans in te tickle his chin. Teddy smiles, too, an points te the babby, shoutin, ‘Babba! Babba!' not wantin te miss out on all the attention.

‘An how's yer mammy? Is she on her feet yet?'

‘Yeah! She's grand, Mrs, thanks,' I said.

An another mammy joined in te get a look at Harry. ‘Ah, look at him! He's lovely, Mrs, isn't he? God bless him an keep him from all harm! Ye're a great little mother, tha's all I can say. Yer mammy would be lost without ye!' I smiled, happy wit meself. Then she looked in her purse an gave us all a penny each.

‘Have ye enough there, Mrs?' the other mammy said. ‘Don't leave yerself short.'

‘Ah, sure it's only a few coppers. It won't break me.'

‘Well, if ye're sure then,' an they moved off together, their heads bent close together, tellin each other a bit of scandal.

I rushed down te the shops te buy sweets. ‘Charlie! Don't say we got money. Don't tell me ma or Jackser, or they'll kill us fer not givin it te them. We'll spend the money on sweets an say nothin, all right?'

‘Yeah!' Charlie said. ‘I'll buy meself loads a sweets.'

Jackser was walkin up an down the room wit the letter in his hand. He was ragin. ‘Can ye beat tha, Sally? They're goin te evict us!'

Me ma was sittin in the chair, starin inta the empty grate, workin her lip up an down, chewin her lip. ‘I don't know,' she was mutterin te herself. ‘Ye'd be better off dead. The sooner the better I'm six foot under, it won't be quick enough fer me.'

The babby was cranky, cos he was gettin his teeth, an I was kneelin by the cot, strokin an rubbin him, an givin him his soother, tryin te get him te sleep. But I was feelin a bit exposed now. Jackser could have one of his fits any minute wit the mood he was in an turn on me, sendin me flyin wit a kick of his boot.

‘Isn't tha wha the letter says, Mrs? Are ye payin any fuckin heed te what I'm sayin? We'll be all out on the street!' Jackser roared at me ma.

Me ma turned on him. ‘It's not my fuckin fault ye drank the money instead of payin the rent!'

‘Shush, Ma! Shush,' I whispered.

Jackser glared at me. ‘You an her, an the rest of ye's, will be all back in the Regina Ceoli hostel walkin the streets again. An I'll have te go next door te the Mornin Star!'

Me heart lifted! No more Jackser! Oh, dear God, let tha come true!

‘Mrs! Get up off yer arse an start thinkin. They can't put us out on the street wit the childre. I don't care what anyone says. Wha we'll do is ... go after Frank Sherwin, he looks after the poor man, an get him te do somethin fer us. An if tha fails, we'll take the childre inta the Corporation an stay there. Not move until they house us. Wha do ye think of tha, Sally? Do ye think we're on the right track?'

‘I don't know,' me ma said slowly, runnin her fingers through her hair, lookin fer lice. ‘Ye'd be askin fer trouble. They'd take the childre away, sayin they were neglected, an put them inta a home.'

Jackser clenched his fists an rolled his eyes te the ceilin. ‘Holy Jaysus, Mrs! Then have ye any better suggestions?' he roared at me ma.

‘I don't know! Wha can I do?' me ma shouted back. ‘We're in arrears. The fuckin rent wasn't paid in a long time, an now ye're complainin when it's too late!'

Jackser was thinkin. ‘If all else fails, we can take the childre an wait until them red-neck bastardin priests are up on the altar givin out the Mass. An wit the church crowded, we march up onta the altar an expose them all – the priests, the TDs – an show the people wha holy Catholic Ireland are doin te the poor. Puttin innocent women an childre out on the streets te die! That'll make them sit up an take notice of us! Wha do ye think, Sally?'

I gorra terrible picture of the childre from school all gapin up at us. The neighbours would say we're a holy disgrace an we're stone mad! No! I'm runnin away. I'll hide somewhere. I'll find tha young one who lives in Summerhill an ask her te let me come an live wit her an the granny. Right! Tha's what I'll do!

‘Do ye think tha would work, Sally?'

Me ma turned her head te the wall. ‘Yeah! If ye want te get us all arrested!'

Jackser thought about this fer a minute an said, ‘Pity! I'll give tha a miss. But there's nothin I'd like better than te expose them bastards fer wha they did te me an me brother Eddie fer nine long years in Artane. I was only seven years old, an me brother was eight when me poor mother put us in. She'd no way of lookin after us!' Jackser shook his head an got lost in his own thoughts. He doesn't say much about it, but occasionally, when he's gone too far an can't stop himself from givin me an awful batterin, he'll say tha's the way he was trained in Artane. Tha it will be good fer me, a soft life never did anyone any good.

Jackser started snufflin an shook himself. ‘Right! I'll have a shave. Here, you! There's tuppence. Get down te tha shop an get me a Silver Gillette blade. An don't be there till ye're back. Run! I'm goin te see tha Frank Sherwin!'

I shot outa the flats an whipped left, headin like the wind down te the shops. An suddenly, outa nowhere, an aul fella in a brown gaberdine coat an bicycle clips on his ankles te keep his trousers from catchin in the wheels slammed onta the footpath in front of me. He was in such a hurry te stop, he overbalanced the bike an was dancin his leg up an down te try an steady himself. ‘Hey, you!' he shouted at me, an grabbed out his arm te hold me. He grabbed the hem of me frock, but I turned so suddenly he lost his grip an fell flat on the pavement.

I ran back, headin fer the flats, screamin in fright. ‘Ah, help! Mammy! It's the school inspector, he's goin te catch me!' Me legs an arms was like propellers as I flew. Me heart was burstin in me chest from the shock. Don't let him catch me! I looked ahead te our flat an thought better of goin there. Jackser would murder me fer drawin the inspector there. I looked back, an he was turnin inta the flats, his knees pushin down hard on the pedals an his neck stuck out, tryin te pedal as fast as he could. I headed fer the stairs an tore up them, haulin meself up holdin onta the banisters.