Man From Mundania (5 page)

I AM THE WORM, A SENDING FROM ONE WHO HAS AN

INTEREST IN YOU. I HAVE ENCHANTED YOUR COMPUTER. I

AM HERE TO SERVE YOUR NEEDS. ASK ME ANYTHING.

What was this? None of his other programs operated

this way! "Uh, your ad said you promised everything and

would enliven my life."

TRUE. NAME THE ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE YOU WISH EN-

LIVENED.

He hadn't even typed in his remark! It was as if the

thing had heard him! "Uh, social. I mean, no girl—"

WHAT GIRL DO YOU WISH?

Amazing! It really was responding to his spoken words!

"That's the problem! I really don't know any girls, and—"

CHOOSE FROM THE LIST: AGENDA, ALIMONY, ANOREXIA,

BEZOAR, BULIMIA, CONNIPTION—

"Agenda!" Grey exclaimed, realizing that the machine

could go on listing forever. How could he tell anything

from a name, anyway? So the first one would do to test

this odd program's bluff.

GO TO THE APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL.

"But that apartment's empty!" Grey protested. "No

one's rented it in ages!"

The screen rippled in a manner reminiscent of a shrug.

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, it printed.

"Look, I'll show you!" Grey said. "It's not even

locked, because it's empty.'' He went to his door, opened

it, stepped across the hall, and opened the facing door.

A girl stood just inside the apartment. She was rather

pretty, with her brown hair tied back with a neat ribbon

and every button in place. "Oh—are you the superinten-

dent?" she asked. "The stove doesn't seem to—"

Grey swallowed his surprise. He had had no idea that

anyone was moving in! "Uh, there's a switch in back

that—I'll show you—I'm not the superintendent, just the

boy next door—I mean—" He stifled his confusion and

walked to the stove and pushed the switch. "Now it'll

work. They just didn't want it going on by accident—"

"Oh thank you!" she exclaimed. "You are so helpful!

What's your name?"

"Uh, Grey. Grey Murphy. I—I go to City College,

and-"

"Oh, how nice! I'm going there too! I'm Agenda."

He goggled at her. "Agenda?"

"Agenda Andrews. How nice to find a friend so soon!"

"A friend?" He was still bemused by the coincidence

of names. He had just chosen that one from the Worm's

list!

"Aren't you?" she asked, looking cutely troubled.

"Uh, oh, of course! The friendliest! I just—"

"Why don't we have lunch together? I'm sure you know

all the best local places."

There was another pitfall. "Uh, sure, but—"

"Dutch, of course. I wouldn't presume to impose—"

It remained awkward. He was broke until his weekly

check arrived from home. "I, uh—"

"On second thought, let's eat in," she said brightly. "I

happen to have some things with me."

"Uh, I've got half a can of beans—"

"No need." She bustled to the kitchen cupboard, which

it seemed she had already stocked. "What would you

like? I have Asparagus, bread, corn, doughnuts, eggplant,

fish—"

"Uh, doughnuts are fine." She had her shelf organized

alphabetically?

So it was that they had a nice meal of doughnuts. Before

he knew it, he had a girlfriend, and she had his whole life

organized, just about. It was great, for a few days, but

then it got on his nerves. Agenda did everything by the

number, or rather, by the alphabet. But Grey was a dis-

organized kind of guy. He didn't like having his life run

by the clock and book.

It was also apparent that Agenda's arrangements were

progressive. First they had an informal meal together. Then

Man from Mundania

22

they had a formal one. Then they went on a date: a G-rated

movie, where they held hands. Then they kissed. Then

she set an appointment for him to meet her parents.

He realized that he was on a well-organized treadmill

to marriage and a completely mundane life. He liked

Agenda, but he wasn't ready to make that commitment

yet. He was trying to break the mundane traces, and that

would be impossible with her.

"Damn!" he muttered under his breath.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? the computer screen inquired.

The machine was always on, now; the first time he tried

to turn it off after installing the Worm program, the screen

had protested with such logic that he had backed off and

left it on. Grey was barely average in gumption too, it

seemed.

"Well, yes," he confessed. "I've got this girlfriend,

and she's nice, but she's so organized I can't stand it, and

now—"

YOU WISH TO HAVE A DIFFERENT GIRL?

"Well, I hate to say it, but—"

CHOOSE: ALIMONY, ANOREXIA, BEZOAR, BULIMIA, CA-

THARTIC, CONNIPTION—

"Anorexia!" he cut in. He knew better than to take up

with a girl called Alimony! Of course the name might not

mean anything, but why takes chances? Anorexia sounded

like a good name.

GO TO THE APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL.

"But that's where Agenda is!" he protested. "If I go

there, I just know she'll have things so organized that I'll

never get away.''

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER.

Grey sighed. He'd just have to show the machine!

He opened his door and crossed the hall. He knocked

on the door.

It opened. There stood a strange, thin girl.

"Uh—" Grey said, amazed.

"You don't think I'm too fat, do you?" the girl inquired

anxiously. "I'm on a diet, but—"

"Uh, no, you're fine! Uh, I thought Agenda—"

Man from Mundania

23

"She moved out this morning. She said this place was

too disorganized, or something. I'm Anorexia Nervosa."

Moved out this morning? He had never suspected! What

a coincidence! "I'm Grey. Uh, you don't believe in orga-

nization?"

"Oh, no, I'm very disorganized! No discipline at all. I

keep getting fat. You don't think—"

Grey took a solid look at her. She was coat hanger thin.

"If you were any thinner, you'd look like a boy," he said.

She laughed nervously. "Oh, you're just saying that!

I'm so fat, I hate it! I thought if I lived alone, maybe I

could reduce, and look pretty."

As it turned out, this was no innocent ploy. Anorexia

truly believed she was fat, and continually dieted to make

herself thinner. It was awkward eating with her, because

she barely pecked at her food, leaving most of it on the

plate though she looked as if she were starving. He tried

to reassure her, but she simply would not believe she was

thin enough.

"I'm afraid she's going to keel over any moment from

hunger!" Grey exclaimed in the privacy of his apartment.

"Then they'll think that I'm somehow to blame."

YOU WISH A DIFFERENT GIRL?

"I guess so."

CHOOSE: ALIMONY, BEZOAR, BULIMIA, CATHARTIC,

CHLAMYDIA, CONNIPTION—

"No, no, wait!" Grey cried. He had done a smidgeon

of research in the interim, because of his association with

Anorexia, and so had a notion what to expect from Bu-

limia, Bezoar, Conniption, or Cathartic.

DYSLEXIA, EMETIC, EMPHYSEMA, ENIGMA, EUPHORIA—

"Dyslexia!" he cried, realizing that the computer would

not stop until he made a choice.

GO TO THE—

"I know!" He opened his door, crossed the hall, and

knocked.

Sure enough, a new girl was there. She was a blue-eyed

blonde, and looked neither fat nor thin. "Oh, you must

be the nice young man across the hall!" she exclaimed.

"Anorexia told me—"

24

Man from Mundania

Man from Mundania

25

"Uh, yes. Uh, you don't have any hang-ups about eat-

ing, do you?"

She blinked in cute surprise. "Why no. Should I?"

Dyslexia seemed like the perfect girl. Then he discov-

ered that she couldn't read. There was something wrong

with her eyes or with her brain, so that she saw things

backwards or upside down. She had managed to finesse

her way through classes, for she was bright enough and

had good legs, but it was a chore to get through a written

homework assignment. He had to read the material to her

and correct her odd errors of writing. This soon became

tedious.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?

There was the Worm again! "I like her, but—"

The screen printed the list of names. Grey knew better

than to choose Emetic or Euthanasia, and wasn't sure about

Enigma, so he chose Euphoria.

Euphoria was luscious. Her black hair swirled down

around her cleavage like a living thing, and her eyes were

hypnotically intense. She was extremely friendly, too. But

very soon he discovered what she was into. "But I don't,

uh, do the drug scene!" he protested.

"Try it, you'll like it," she urged, proffering a cigarette

of strange design. "This stuff will send you to the moon

and stars, and you will float for eternity!"

That was exactly what he was afraid of. He fled.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?