Manipulation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (3 page)

The two brothers couldn’t be more different.
Esau
is extroverted and brash and a skillful hunter;
Jacob
is introverted and quiet, a cook who prefers spending his days at home.
Esau
is described as “hairy”;
Jacob
is described as “smooth.”
Esau
has the favor of his father, Isaac;
Jacob
has the favor of his mother, Rebekah.

Jacob’s manipulative ways will manifest themselves in adulthood when another jostling of sorts occurs over Esau’s birthright.

Esau would later say of Jacob ...

“Isn’t he rightly named Jacob? He has deceived me these two times.” (Genesis 27:36)

“Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!”
(Genesis 25:30).

Esau has just returned from the countryside with one thing on his mind—his stomach. Once he gets a whiff of the thick, red, lentil stew Jacob is cooking, he is willing to satisfy his hunger pangs at all costs.

Esau does indeed get a delicious bowl of stew along with some bread and something to drink, but it costs him dearly! Jacob offers the stew on one condition: Esau must give him his birthright.

As their father Isaac is now aged and approaching death, the loss of the birthright blessing will soon leave Esau with a very bad taste in his mouth.

And so it generally goes with those who partake of the foul game of manipulation. Yet those who play the game of manipulation have an entirely different perspective, as do Jacob and his mother, Rebekah.

• Manipulative Power Players
  4
  
  • Use verbal and physical abuse to gain power
    
  • Use put-downs to get position
    
  • Dominate conversations to get control
    
  • Use threats to intimidate
    
  • Say anything to humiliate
    

  Goal
  : To manipulate by implying, “I am right and you are wrong.”
  

  “They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s; the poison of vipers is on their lips.”
  (Psalm 140:3)
  

• Manipulative Martyrs
  5
  
  • Scold others to make them feel sad
    
  • Blame others to make them feel bad
    
  • Play the “guilt game” to make others feel at fault
    
  • Shame others to make them feel sorry
    
  • Play the victim to make others feel pity
    

  Goal
  : To manipulate by implying: “It’s all your fault. How could you treat me this way?”
  

  “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
  (Proverbs 15:4)
  

• Manipulative Rescuers
  
  • Provide unsolicited help to make others feel obligated
    
  • Assist others—even when not wanted—to gain a sense of indebtedness
    
  • Help others to make them feel ingratiated
    
  • Give exaggerated care to cause others to feel commitment
    
  • Extend aid in order to coerce others
    

  Goal
  : To manipulate by implying: “After all I have done for you, now you owe me.”
  

  “All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the L
  ORD
  weighs the heart.”
  (Proverbs 21:2)
  

• Manipulative People Pleasers
  6
  
  • Use charm to gain the favor of others
    
  • Praise others to gain approval
    
  • Accommodate others to gain appreciation
    
  • Extend favors to gain gratitude
    
  • Do kind acts to gain loyalty
    

  Goal
  : To manipulate by implying: “After all I’ve done to please you, you should please me.”
  

  “Charm is deceptive.”
  (Proverbs 31:30)
  

Like mother, like son.

The time has come and Isaac is ready to bestow the birthright blessing upon his oldest son, Esau—apparently oblivious to the bartering between Jacob and Esau for a mere bowl of stew. Rebekah overhears Isaac telling Esau to go hunt some wild game and prepare him some
“tasty food,”
and then he will give his firstborn his blessing (Genesis 27:4).

Immediately Rebekah’s manipulative mind begins strategizing, taking full advantage of one critical factor concerning her husband: He can no longer see.

No sooner has Esau walked out the door when Rebekah gives the following instructions to Jacob:
“Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you: Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies”
(Genesis 27:8–10).

Jacob’s mind reels with questions:
“But my brother Esau is a hairy man, and I’m a man with smooth skin. What if my father touches me?”
(Genesis 27:11–12).

Jacob fears becoming the recipient of a curse rather than a blessing, but Rebekah accepts full responsibility and proceeds with her plot. And as it turns out, the goats will be useful for more than just “tasty food.”

And the scheming and conniving go on, with one verbal game after another.

1
The Subversive Schemer

• Scheming to plot a deceptive plan
  
• Scheming to distort reality
  
• Scheming by telling half-truths
  
• Scheming by misrepresentation
  
• The Bible addresses how God deals with schemers.
  

  “He [God] catches the wise in their craftiness, and the schemes of the wily are swept away.”
  (Job 5:13)
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t willingly do what I want, I will trick you into doing it.”
  

2
Scheming Should’s
8

• “You should show me respect.”
  
• “You should meet my needs.”
  
• “You should make me happy.”
  
• “You should give me security.”
  
• In contrast, the Bible says ...
  

  “[Love] is not self-seeking”
  (1 Corinthians 13:5)
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t meet my expectations, you are guilty of neglect.”
  

3
Strident Screaming
9

• Yelling to apply pressure
  
• Yelling to unnerve
  
• Yelling to publicly humiliate
  
• Yelling to intimidate
  
• Psalm 64:3–4 says ...
  

  “They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows.”
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t do what I want, I’ll make you wish you had.”
  

4
Sarcastic Swords
10

• Stabbing with cutting humor
  
• Stabbing with jabbing words
  
• Stabbing with put-downs
  
• Stabbing with malicious mocking
  
• The Bible says those who crucified Jesus ...
  

  “Twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. ‘Hail, king of the Jews!’”
  (Matthew 27:29)
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you aren’t what I want you to be, I will use words to wound you.”
  

5
Sexual Seduction
11

• Seductive talk
  
• Suggestive clothing
  
• Sensual advertising
  
• Sexual body movements
  
• The book of Proverbs warns about the manipulative, seductive woman ...
  

  “With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose”
  (Proverbs 7:21–22).
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t buy what I’m selling, you are not going to be macho.”
  

6
Showering Sentiments
12

• Excessive praise to appeal to the ego
  
• Excessive gifts to create a sense of obligation
  
• Excessive affection to gain a sexual or emotional advantage
  
• Excessive money to buy control
  
• In contrast, Proverbs 26:28 says ...
  

  “A flattering mouth works ruin.”
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t respond to my generosity by doing what I want you to do, you are ungrateful.”
  

7
Sly Suggestions
13

• Guilt Game #1
  : A wife says, “John just bought Sara a new car. It must be nice to be so loved.”
  
• Guilt Game #2
  : A husband says, “Mary encourages her husband to go out with the guys any time he wants, for as long as he wants. He’s lucky to have such a wife.”
  
• Guilt Game #3
  : A “friend” says to another friend, “Chris has a friend who will give him any amount of money—no questions asked. Now that is a true friend.”
  
• Guilt Game #4
  : A teenager says to parents, “None of my friends have a curfew. It must be nice to have such trusting parents.”
  
• Proverbs 26:24 describes the manipulator ...
  

  “A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit.”
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “You ought to meet my every need, and if you don’t, I’ll make you feel guilty.”
  

8
Sympathy Seekers
14

• Speaking and acting needy intentionally
  
• Speaking and acting pitiful with “pity parties”
  
• Speaking and acting helpless and childlike
  
• Speaking and acting hopeless unless a rescuer arrives
  

Instead of expecting others to carry your load when you could carry it yourself ...

• The Bible says ...
  

  “Each one should carry his own load”
  (Galatians 6:5).
  

• The manipulator implies
  ...
  

  “You should take care of my heart, and if you don’t, you are callous and cruel.”
  

Rebekah covers Jacob’s hands and neck in goat hair and puts Esau’s best clothes on him. The ruse is now complete. Jacob is the personification of Esau, down to the smell of the outdoors that wafts through Esau’s clothing.

“Esau” presents himself before Isaac, who may be blind today—but who wasn’t born yesterday! Isaac inquires about the short time span it took “Esau” to find and cook the game, and instantly recognizes Jacob’s voice but is perplexed by his “hairy hands.”

As Jacob responds to his father’s inquiries, the portrait of deceit becomes colored with more than just manipulation. The quickly served meal?
“The L
ORD
your God gave me success”
(Genesis 27: 20), Jacob lies. Are you really Esau?
“I am”
(Genesis 27:24), Jacob lies again.

And the birthright blessing ensues.
“May God give you of heaven’s dew and of earth’s richness—an abundance of grain and new wine. May nations serve you and peoples bow down to you. Be lord over your brothers, and may the sons of your mother bow down to you. May those who curse you be cursed and those who bless you be blessed”
(Genesis 27: 28–29).

Thus, this manipulative maze incorporates deceptive words and actions with blatant lies and “hairy hands.”

1
Situation Seizer

• Uses the poor judgment of others to receive personal promotion
  
• Uses the poor health of others to receive personal profit
  
• Uses the problems of others to receive personal praise
  
• Uses the pain of others to receive personal progress
  
• In contrast, Scripture admonishes ...
  

  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves”
  (Philippians 2:3).
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “My wants and wishes supersede those of everyone else.”
  

2
Silent Treatment
16

• Pouting, brooding, and ignoring
  
• Coldly turning away from your spouse
  
• Not answering the phone, emails, or texts as punishment
  
• Refusing to speak to an offender
  
• Scripture says ...
  

  “When I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased”
  (Psalm 39:2).
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t do what I want, you don’t get my approval, my communication—or me.”
  

3
Slam/Bam Slamming

• Slamming drawers
  
• Slamming doors
  
• Slamming phones
  
• Slamming books
  
• Scripture instructs ...
  

  “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”
  (Ephesians 4:26).
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t meet my expectations, you don’t deserve any dialogue with me, but I’ll make my point in other ways.”
  

4
Scornful Sneer

• The curl of the lip
  
• The roll of the eyes
  
• The raising of the eyebrows
  
• The squinting of the eyes
  
• In contrast, Isaiah 57:4 says ...
  

  “Whom are you mocking? At whom do you sneer and stick out your tongue? Are you not a brood of rebels, the offspring of liars?”
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t do what I want you to do, you don’t deserve my respect.”