Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (15 page)

Jaime worried all morning things would be awkward again during Levi’s massage. He hated how he’d messed things up between them so much. Levi was the closest thing he had to a friend and somehow Jaime had managed to ruin it.

He was relieved when Levi arrived to see that he seemed considerably more at ease than he had on Monday. On the other hand, he looked completely exhausted. He was pale and had ugly dark circles under his eyes.

Levi shrugged, his eyes intent on Jaime. “How are
you?
” he challenged.
“Fine.” He wasn’t exactly lying. It was mostly the truth.
Levi sat down on the massage table in front of him. “Are you sleeping?”
“I’m doing okay.” That, however, was an outright lie. He was only getting a few hours a night, and that mostly on his couch, but he didn’t want Levi to know. He didn’t want to make him feel guilty for wanting his life back. Besides, looking at Levi, he could tell he wasn’t the only one having trouble with insomnia. He put his fingers up and brushed Levi’s hair out of his eyes. Levi’s eyes drifted closed, but he didn’t move.
“How about you?” he asked. “Are
you
sleeping?”
Levi opened his eyes again, and Jaime was surprised by how sad they looked. “About as well as you I’d guess.”
Jaime smiled. He ran his finger down Levi’s cheek. He wanted to touch him so much. He knew it was unprofessional. On the other hand, that was why Levi was here—for a massage.
“I’ll go out so you can get undressed—”
“No,” Levi said. His hand was still touching Levi’s cheek, and Levi reached up and pulled it away. He held Jaime’s hand in his.
Jaime trusted him more than he’d trusted anybody in a long time, maybe ever, but it still took some effort to not pull away.
“I’m not getting a massage today,” Levi said.
“You’re not?”
Levi shook his head. “I can’t…” He let the sentence die away, looking down at where he held Jaime’s hand in his. He took a deep breath, and Jaime was surprised to see Levi seemed to be having a hard time keeping himself together.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Levi nodded. “I came to tell you I quit my job at The Zone.”
“Why?” he asked. He’d always thought Levi loved his job, and not only because of the sexual perks.
“It was time,” Levi said. “That’s all. I told them I’d work this weekend, so I don’t leave them in a jam. But after Saturday, I won’t be going back.”
“What are you gong to do?”
“I don’t know.” He finally looked up and met Jaime’s eyes again. “I have no idea, which scares the hell out of me, but I know this is the right thing to do.”
“That’s why you’re not getting a massage—because you might be unemployed for a while and you need to save money? Because I’ll do it for free.”
Levi shook his head. “That’s not it, Jaime.”
“Then what?”
“Think of it as penance.”
“Penance? Don’t you just say some Hail Marys or something?”
“Not in my church.”
“So it’s like Lent?”
Levi laughed. “No,” he said shaking his head. “Forgiveness comes from works, not grace.” The words confused Jaime, and Levi must have seen it on his face because he smiled, waving his hand as if he were shooing the idea away. “Forget I even said it.” He didn’t let go of Jaime’s hand, but used his other hand to pull something out of his pocket. He held it up for Jaime to see. It was the key to his apartment. “This wasn’t a short-term loan.” He tucked the key into Jaime’s hand and closed his fingers over it. “It’s yours. You can use it any time.”
It was exactly what Jaime had been afraid of. Despite making every effort to put him at ease, Levi still apparently felt guilty. “Levi, you don’t have to do this. You shouldn’t have to put your life on hold—”
“I’m not—”
“I was in the way.”
“You weren’t.”
“What if you want to bring somebody home?”
“I won’t.”
“But—”
“Jaime,” Levi said, smiling and shaking his head in bewilderment. “Will you
stop?
”
“Stop what?”
“Stop making this harder than it needs to be!”
Jaime wasn’t really sure how to answer, so he kept silent.
“I have to work tonight,” Levi told him. “It’s ridiculous for you to be here, fighting nightmares, when you could be there, sleeping fine.”
Jaime felt the heat of his blush at how childish it made him feel. But Levi’s eyes weren’t laughing at him. They were kind.
Jaime didn’t know what to do. He worried going back to Levi’s would eventually lead to Levi being mad at him again. On the other hand, the thought of settling down into Levi’s fabulous bed and sleeping through the night again was unbelievably tempting.
“You can think about it,” Levi said as he let go of Jaime’s hand and stood to leave.
Jaime resisted the urge to call him back.
Levi stopped before walking out the door. He turned back with his sexy smile. It didn’t quite fit with the obvious strain and exhaustion on his face. “When I get home,” he said, “I hope you’re there.”

Part of him had wanted to tell Jaime everything—to fall to his knees and tell him how much he meant to him and beg him to come back—but he knew it would be a mistake. It would either scare Jaime away or it would put pressure on him, and Levi didn’t want either of those things. He needed to make amends first, if not to Jaime, then to God and to himself. And in the meantime, he would wait and nothing more. He knew in his heart it was the only thing he could do, and he resolved he would be happy with their relationship, whether they were only friends or whether they managed to become more.

Of course, that didn’t mean he didn’t have a definite preference in regard to that particular issue.
He worked his shift at The Zone. He tried not to think about whether Jaime would be there when he got home or not. He ignored Max’s sideways glances and the advances of a ridiculous number of customers, including Jory. He’d never had trouble finding partners, but he was sure he’d never had quite this selection before either. It didn’t matter. He was never going back to the storage room again.
Finally, his shift ended and he drove his bike home, forcing himself to keep his speed somewhere close to legal. He turned into his building’s parking lot with a mixed sense of dread and anticipation. He scanned the spots, looking for Jaime’s car, and when he finally spotted it, he felt a tightness in his chest ease. It almost brought tears to his eyes.
He snuck into his own house and into his room. Dolly’s tail thumped against the bed in greeting. Levi was ridiculously happy to see her. He was so relieved to find Jaime sleeping in his bed, it was all he could do to keep from grabbing him and holding him close. But he knew Jaime would never allow it. He quickly stripped down to his briefs. He was debating between trying to sleep next to Jaime or waking him, which Jaime would expect, but it would mean he would leave. Levi could go to the couch. But first, he wanted to look at him.
Jaime was lying on his right side, with Dolly at his back and his right arm stretched out across the bed. Levi moved as quietly as he could. He scooted onto the bed so he could look down at Jaime. The last thing Levi wanted was to wake him, but he couldn’t stand not to touch him. He wanted to run his fingers down his neck or along his jaw, but he didn’t dare. Jaime’s outstretched hand was right in front of Levi, palm up, his fingers slightly curled. Levi reached down and took Jaime’s hand in his. Jaime didn’t stir. Levi stroked Jaime’s fingers and the palm of his hand, keeping his touch as light as he could. There were strange shadows on Jaime’s wrist, and Levi moved his fingertip over them.
They weren’t shadows.
There were three of them. They ran diagonally across Jaime’s wrist. They were faint, but definitely there. They couldn’t be veins. Levi leaned closer, his finger tracing the faint ridges.
They were scars.
Levi felt as if his heart had stopped beating inside his chest as he realized what those scars meant. He couldn’t even breathe.
“I was fifteen,” Jaime said quietly, surprising Levi. He hadn’t realized Jaime was awake. “I wanted to do it right. I tried to buy a gun, but the man at the pawn shop wouldn’t sell me one without my mom’s permission.”
If Levi thought the scars were bad, they were nothing compared to the thought of a gun. He thought of Jaime with the barrel against his head, or even worse, in his mouth, and he had to force himself to breathe. He felt himself being choked by tears.
“Oh God, Jaime. No.” Levi gripped Jaime’s hand tight, as if by holding on to him now, he could stop the Jaime back then from ever having tried.
“I used my mom’s best knife, but I didn’t do it right. I apparently don’t have much of a threshold for pain because I passed out. I didn’t go deep enough.”
It was strange how Jaime could talk about it now as if it didn’t matter a bit. And it was strange how an event that had happened so long ago, before they had ever met, could inspire such terror in Levi’s heart. He felt as if he had almost lost Jaime all over again. He leaned over and kissed those lines on Jaime’s wrist, as if he could take away the pain of whatever had caused Jaime to make them, and he felt Jaime’s hand cup his cheek. What if the pawn shop owner hadn’t been so honest? What if the knife had been sharper? What if Jaime had been able to stay conscious? The thought that he might never have had a chance to know him at all was surprisingly painful.
Jaime’s fingers were in his hair, and Levi realized his lips were still touching Jaime’s wrist. And Jaime wasn’t pulling away. This was right. He was sure of it, more than ever. Not only had God saved Jaime all those years ago, but he had brought him to Levi.
“Don’t ever try again,” Levi said. “Please.” His vision was blurry with tears, and he turned his head to look into Jaime’s clear blue eyes. “Promise me.”
“It was a long time ago,” Jaime said.
“
Promise
me!”
“I promise.”
At those words, the dam inside Levi broke and the next thing he knew, he was sobbing into Jaime’s hand. “I’m sorry, Jaime. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Levi,” Jaime said, his voice gentle and warm, “you’re exhausted. You need to sleep.”
He was aware of Jaime pulling his hand away and sitting up next to him. Jaime pushed him down so he was lying on his stomach on the bed, then sat across his ass. Jaime was only wearing boxers, and Levi only briefs. He could feel Jaime’s package wedged into the crack of his ass. At any other time, he would have found it arousing, but here and now, he was too overwhelmed by everything else that had happened.
Jaime’s soft hands moved on him, rubbing gently, massaging and kneading, doing what he did best. His touch was magic, his strong fingers finding exactly the right spots. He moved slowly up Levi’s body. First his back and then his shoulders and then his neck, and Levi felt the world fall away. Here and now, there was only him and Jaime, and Jaime’s beautiful touch. It wasn’t long at all before his eyes closed. His breathing slowed. He felt himself drifting away.
“I’m so sorry,” he tried to say.
He didn’t know if he’d really spoken. And when the answer came, he didn’t know if it was Jaime’s voice or not. “Whatever you think you did, Levi, I forgive you.”

Levi’s mother called on Saturday to ask if he would come for Thanksgiving. After the Labor Day incident, he told her he thought it was a bad idea. The phone call ended with him angry, and her in tears. It was another hour before he realized he’d never even told her about quitting the club.

His last night at The Zone was uneventful. Max had given up asking why he was leaving, and nobody else cared.
He was happy when Jaime came over on Sunday. Things had quickly returned to normal between them, but Jaime still asked three different times if it was really okay for him to stay. Of course, Levi said yes each and every time. Still, it was with some trepidation he decided to try sharing his bed with Jaime again. He was afraid of the frustration it had caused him before, but he knew he couldn’t sleep on the couch every night either.
He was surprised to discover sleeping next to Jaime no longer felt like the self-torment it had before. He wanted Jaime, yes, but he had to wait. It was that simple. He still longed to touch him and he foresaw more time spent jacking off in his bathroom than he might have liked, but it didn’t seem as daunting. Lying next to Jaime listening to his quiet breathing was a bit like torture, but it was a pleasant kind of torture. Levi thought of it as penance. He was serving his time now, but he hoped eventually his patience would pay off.
Jaime and Dolly were gone long before he crawled out of bed on Monday morning. The first thing he did was make an appointment with his doctor to be tested. The night with Jory had been the one and only time he’d ever had sex without a condom, but there were always risks. When he thought about Jaime, who he was fairly certain was still a virgin, he knew he didn’t want to take any chances.
Next, he had to face the bleak prospect of finding a new job. He had enough savings to get by for a few weeks, but he knew he couldn’t delay too long. It pained him to admit he was unqualified for almost everything. He vowed to not be too picky, but he hoped he could find something better than waiting tables. He confessed his doubts to Jaime that night over pizza and beer—except Jaime was drinking milk—while they watched a ridiculous movie called
Mansquito.
“You shouldn’t worry,” Jaime said. “You went to college.”
“I dropped out of college.”
“What was your major?”
“Landscape Management.”
For some reason the answer had made Jaime smile. “What?” Levi asked.
“It seems so perfect for you, that’s all. Being outside in the sun. Playing in the dirt.” Being outside in the sun was exactly what had first appealed to Levi, although he realized he hadn’t thought about it in years. “There are plenty of landscapers around and nurseries. I think you should look into them first.”
He spent the next couple of weeks watching the wanted ads and filling out applications for anything that sounded even remotely promising. The week before Thanksgiving, one of the nurseries called to schedule an interview. It was only a part-time position, but Levi figured he didn’t have the luxury of being picky. They asked to meet with him the week after Thanksgiving.
Levi was just hanging up the phone when he heard the door open behind him. He didn’t have to turn his head to know it was Jaime. And Dolly, of course.
“What have we got tonight?” Jaime asked as he came in.
“
Sharktopus.
” Levi said it with the same dramatic relish they’d used in the commercial.
“You’re making that up.”
Levi tipped his head back to look up at Jaime. “I’m really not. Pretty sure you’re going to love it, too.”
Jaime smiled and put his hand on Levi’s head, brushing his hair back off his forehead. He loved how Jaime seemed to touch him more now, but he tried not to get his hopes up it meant Jaime was ready for a relationship. It was more like Jaime was finally settling into being friends without second guessing himself at every turn. “The nursery over on Collins Avenue called. I have an interview in two weeks.”
Jaime smiled at him. “Told you it would be fine.”
“I don’t have the job yet.”
“You will.”
Jaime went in the kitchen and came back out with a Sprite, and they sat on the couch with Dolly between them watching the movie. Although Levi still didn’t quite see the appeal of the crappy monster flicks, he had to admit they weren’t any worse than most of the sitcoms the networks showed, and anything was better than reality TV.
“You know,” Levi joked during a commercial, “it’s pretty obvious the best way to avoid being eaten by Sharktopus is to not be wearing a bikini.” He expected Jaime to laugh, but when he turned to look, he found Jaime wasn’t smiling. He was looking at him nervously, as if he wanted to ask a question but didn’t know how. “What is it?” Levi asked.
Jaime blushed, of course. He reached across Dolly’s napping form and took Levi’s hand. But he didn’t hold it. He started to massage it, the way he knew Levi liked. “Thanksgiving is next week.” He didn’t look up when he said it. He concentrated on massaging Levi’s hand, and Levi realized the massage gave Jaime a sense of security—he was relying on what he knew to get him through something that made him nervous. What Levi couldn’t figure out was what it was about Thanksgiving that would make Jaime nervous in the first place.
“I know,” Levi said. “Do you want to have dinner? I’m sure the deli at the grocery store will have turkey and stuffing.”
Jaime still didn’t meet his eyes. He continued to massage Levi’s hand, wringing his fingers. “Won’t you be going home for Thanksgiving?”
“No, not after what happened last time. Why? You trying to get rid of me so you can have the bed to yourself?”
Levi was joking, but Jaime’s head jerked up in alarm. “No! Of course not.”
“We could do Boston Market instead,” Levi said. “Their gravy is better.”
Jaime let go of Levi’s hand, turning back to the TV. “Sure,” he said. “That sounds great.”
But Levi could tell by his voice he was only saying the words. He didn’t mean them. Jaime was pointedly not looking at him, although his cheeks were reddening. It puzzled Levi. What could Jaime have been getting at? He’d made a point of bringing up Thanksgiving, but didn’t seem to want to spend it together. He thought Levi would be going home.
Home.
That was what this was about.
“Jaime?” He waited until Jaime turned to meet his eyes. “Do you want me to take you to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving?”
Jaime didn’t even need to answer. Levi could see it all in his eyes. He practically lit up. But then he seemed to beat his enthusiasm back down. “Not if you don’t want to go back.”
“I’m surprised
you
want to go back. There’s so many people there, and you’re so—”
“Anti-social?” Jaime asked, smiling.
“I was going to say ‘introverted,’ but yeah.”
“It’s not like a party, where you have to mingle or stand against the wall. Or a bar where everyone has an agenda. Your family is more like…” He thought for a second and when the answer came to him, he smiled. “Like a carnival. They’re all running they’re own little booths. And I can try to win the stuffed bear or I can just walk by, and either way, it’s kind of fun.”
“You’re saying my family reminds you of carnies?”
Jaime laughed. “Well, your family members have more teeth and fewer tattoos.”
Levi was still surprised. He watched Jaime, and slowly Jaime’s smile faded from laughter to something shy and embarrassed.
“I haven’t had a real Thanksgiving dinner in almost ten years,” he said. “I bet your family does it right.”
And if there had been any doubt in Levi’s mind he was going to do what Jaime asked, it all disappeared in a heartbeat. He couldn’t possibly face Jaime on Thanksgiving Day over plastic plates full of pressed turkey slices and instant mashed potatoes now. Whatever Jaime wanted, Levi wanted to give him. This time, Jaime wanted real turkey and ham, mashed potatoes that still had lumps and gravy that was thick and salty, green bean casserole and candied sweet potatoes. And homemade pumpkin pie.
“I’ll call my mom right now.”
He was more apprehensive than he should have been about calling his own mother, but when she answered, her voice was warm and cheery as always. “Hi, honey! I’m so glad you called. Is everything okay?”
Exactly like when he’d called Ruth. It made him sad that he’d been so negligent about calling his family they would immediately assume he would only call if he was in trouble. He’d complained for years about how his family had forgotten him, but he suddenly realized the lines went both ways. “Hi, Mom. Everything’s fine.”
“Levi, are you sure you won’t change your mind about Thanksgiving? You know everybody will be here this year.”
“That’s actually what I’m calling about. Jaime and I would like to come, if the invitation still stands.”
“Oh honey, that would be wonderful. What changed your mind?”
“Jaime batted his big puppy-dog eyes at me. Apparently, you all made an impression.”
She laughed. “He’s a nice boy, isn’t he?”
“You have no idea.”
This was met with a moment of silence, then she asked hesitantly, “Levi, has something changed between you and Jaime?”
Yes.
As far as Levi was concerned, everything had changed between them since their last visit. But not in the way his mom was worried about. “No. We’re friends.” But that was something he hoped would change with time, and he couldn’t help but wonder how his mom would handle it if and when it did.