Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (17 page)

Thanksgiving dinner was fantastic. As a kid, Jaime had always envied the children who came from large families. His own family meals had been lonely and pathetic. It was only he and his mother, if she wasn’t working, and her mother, until she died when Jaime was fourteen. And, of course, his aunt and his uncle, who Jaime did his best to avoid. Holidays had never been very comfortable.

But in Jaime’s mind, Levi’s family was perfect. It wasn’t that each individual person was perfect. Far from it. They were human, after all. Rachel’s husband rarely spoke, but when he did, it was only to complain. Caleb’s wife did her best to avoid Rachel, and Rachel was for some reason being overly friendly to Jaime and Levi. Levi was obviously suspicious of her motives. Jackson and Isaac seemed to circle each other warily. They were always civil to one another, but sometimes their politeness was too stiff to feel genuine.

Jaime also knew the Binders had upset Levi on their last visit. Despite it all, though, or maybe because of it, to Jaime they were beautiful. They were bright and animated and happy, and even when there was a disagreement, like when two of the K-Wives argued over whether or not to put giblets in the gravy, it felt normal. It felt the way he’d always imagined a family would. They loved each other. That was the simple underlying truth behind it all.

In the end, they had two pans of gravy, one made by each wife, and Jaime tried them both. The turkey was dry, and the cranberry sauce came out of a can, but the ham was good and the stuffing was so delicious it made Jaime’s eyes roll back in his head. They drank Sprite and lemonade and ginger ale and chocolate milk, and even though he heard Levi, Jackson and Caleb wishing they had a beer, Jaime thought it was better this way. There were no bitter arguments. No Jerry Springer drama. No jabs thrown after somebody’d had a few too many. And even with nineteen kids talking and laughing and crying and arguing, Jaime felt at peace.

That night, some of the family spread around the table to play Trivial Pursuit and the rest of them packed the family room to watch a movie. Levi pushed Jaime down into the corner of the couch and sat next to him, almost on top of him. It confused Jaime until he realized the adults were cramming themselves onto the couch. Jaime would have preferred to not be touched at all, but if he had to be crammed up against somebody, he was glad it was Levi, and he was glad Levi had foreseen the problem and nipped it in the bud.

“
My Little Pony,
” one of the little girls yelled, and the parents issued a collective moan.
“No, baby,” Rachel said. “We have to pick something everyone will like.”
“
The Notebook,”
one of the K-Wives said, and the men all groaned.
“No chick flicks,” Caleb said, and Jaime silently echoed the sentiment.
“
The Breakfast Club,
” another K-wife said.
Isaac turned to her with a smile so much like Levi’s teasing expression Jaime was taken aback. “Something that doesn’t suck,” he told her, and she laughed.
“
Transformers,
” one of the older kids said.
“Yeah,
Transformers
,” several of the others chorused, but Nancy shook her head.
“Too many little kids in the room,” she said. “Something not so violent.”
There were more moans, but no real protest, and they went back to arguing. Levi turned to Jaime with a smile. “It’s all your fault we’re here, you know,” he said conspiratorially.
Jaime smiled. “Thanks for bringing me.”
“You’re welcome.” Levi’s hand nudged his leg, and Jaime thought he might have been reaching for his hand. Jaime might have let him take it, but then he glanced over and found Ruth watching them and he pulled away instead, feeling his cheeks burning for no reason he could name.
They finally settled on
The Watcher in the Woods.
Jaime’d never seen it, but it had obviously been a favorite of Levi and his siblings when they were young. The little kids were scared, and the big kids pretended not to be. Jaime found the movie amusing, but he hoped it didn’t give the younger ones nightmares. He knew first hand how awful they could be.

The weather had been unseasonably warm, which was what gave Levi the idea. It was a bit childish, but that was part of its appeal, and he hoped it would allow Jaime to get a decent night’s sleep. He waited until everybody else had gone to bed. Once the house was silent, he got up. Jacob’s son Roy looked up at him from his spot on the floor. That was good. It meant Levi didn’t have to wake anybody up.

“Hey, champ,” Levi whispered to him, “why don’t you sleep in the bed tonight?”
“Dad says—”
“Don’t worry about your dad,” Levi told him. “I’ll tell him it was my idea.”
“Will we get in trouble?” Roy asked.
“No trouble,” Levi told him. “I promise.”
Once Roy was climbing into Levi’s bed, Levi took the empty sleeping bag out into the hall. He left it by the linen closet and crept to the spare bedroom, where Jaime slept. He was a bit worried about how to wake Jaime without scaring him to death, but it turned out to not be an issue. Jaime was wide-awake and staring at the ceiling.
“What’s going on?” he whispered to Levi.
“Come on,” he said to Jaime. “Follow me.”
In the dark room, he couldn’t tell if Jaime was confused or curious, but he got out of bed. He watched silently as Levi nudged Carter awake. Carter didn’t need any convincing to give up his bag in lieu of the empty bed.
Levi took Carter’s bag and pillow and handed them to Jaime. He led Jaime and Dolly down the hall, grabbing his own sleeping bag on the way. They went down the stairs and across the linoleum floor of the kitchen with Dolly’s nails clicking softly behind them, then out the sliding glass door and onto the patio.
“What are you doing?” Jaime asked, but Levi could hear the smile in his voice. “Are you crazy?”
“There’s nothing wrong with sleeping outside.” He started around the table on the patio without thinking about it, but then heard a thump and a muffled curse from Jaime. “You okay?”
“I can’t see anything.”
Levi reached back. His hand landed on Jaime’s arm. He was pleased Jaime didn’t try to pull away. Levi slid his hand down and gripped Jaime’s wrist. He led him around the first table and past the giant potted strawberry plant his mom had grown every year for as long as he could remember, now withered and brown. Then around the kid-size picnic table, down the steps and onto the lawn.
The air was cool and comfortable, and the grass felt cold and prickly against his bare feet. Once they were past the obstacle course of the patio, he let go of Jaime’s wrist, but to his surprise, Jaime grabbed his hand instead. Levi turned to look at him, wondering at the sudden intimacy, but in the dark, he couldn’t read Jaime’s expression at all. He could tell only that Jaime was looking up at the half-bare branches of trees above them.
“Here?” Levi asked. “Or do you want to see the sky?”
Jaime’s voice was soft and hopeful. “Sky.”
“Good choice.” Still holding his Jaime’s hand, Levi led him toward the open side of the back yard, away from the swing set that had been there since he was a boy. There were a lot of tall trees in the back yard, but he knew there was a spot near the back of the yard and it would afford them a clear view through the branches.
He stopped when he got there and spread out his bag, and Jaime followed suit, and they climbed into them. It reminded Levi of a hundred different times he had done this as a kid, with one of his brothers or sisters. Sometimes with all of them. Dolly lay down on Jaime’s other side, and Levi looked up past the trees at a tiny patch of sky. They couldn’t see many stars, but a silver sliver of moon floated above them.
Jaime sighed, sounding content. “This was a good idea.”
Levi smiled. “I thought so, too.”
“I haven’t slept outside since…” His words trailed away as he thought about it. “Since the summer before my senior year of high school.” The way he said it was odd. Sad, and yet with a hint of fondness.
Levi turned toward him, propping his head up so he could look at him, although it was too dark to read his expression. He could see just enough to know Jaime was staring up at the moon. It was so rare for Jaime to volunteer information about his past. He waited, wondering if he would have to prod him to get him to say more, but after a minute, Jaime started talking again.
“It was a lot like this, actually,” he said. “My friend Craig knew I had nightmares. Sometimes he’d invite me over, and we’d sleep in his back yard.” Jaime stayed on his back, but turned his face toward him, and Levi resisted the urge to lean closer in an attempt to read his expression. “Did you ever read
Christine?
”
The apparent change of subject surprised him. “By Stephen King? No.”
“I read it when I was sixteen, and I always felt like I was Arnie and he was Dennis. I was the loser, and he was the popular kid who somehow ended up being my friend.” He looked back up at the night sky. “He lived around the block from me, so I’d see him a lot in the summer. He had a lot of friends, though, and girlfriends. Once school started, I’d kind of fade away.”
“That’s shitty,” Levi said.
In the low light, Levi could barely see Jaime’s shrug. “Not really. It wasn’t like he was an asshole or anything. He had a life. And I didn’t. But he was the best friend I had back then.” He stopped for a minute, then said, even more quietly, “Especially that year. Sleeping in his back yard is the only thing about Cleveland I’ve ever missed.”
The way he said it sparked a twinge of jealousy in Levi. “You were in love with him.”
“I guess I was. I didn’t really think of it in those terms at the time, but yeah. I used to live for those nights.”
“So what happened?”
“Same thing that happens to everybody at that age. We graduated; he went to OSU, and I came down here.”
“And that’s it?” Levi asked.
“That’s it.” He turned toward Levi again. “I haven’t seen him since.”
“I’m so sorry, Jaime.” He knew as soon as the words were out if his mouth he shouldn’t have said them.
“For what?” Jaime asked in surprise.
For not being there. For not meeting you sooner. For not protecting you all those years ago.
But of course, he couldn’t say any of those things.
Jaime watched him silently. Now his eyes had adjusted to the dark, Levi could barely make out the features of his pale face—his strong jaw and soft lips. His eyes were lost in shadows. And suddenly, Levi wanted him so much, it took his breath away. He’d grown used to being close to Jaime, even sleeping in the same bed without letting his feelings get the best of him. But now, lying in the moonlight in his parents’ back yard, he felt he couldn’t stand to wait another minute. He ached for him.
They were in separate bags, with less than a foot of space between them. He imagined leaning across the gap. He imagined kissing Jaime, claiming the softness of his lips, stealing his breath. He imagined feeling Jaime’s arms around his neck, and he felt his body respond.
He wanted to kiss Jaime’s neck, to whisper in his ear. The bags would be between them. Was it possible that would give Jaime the barrier he needed to feel safe? Even as he thought it, Levi knew he wanted more. He wanted to unzip Jaime’s bag and slip his hands inside. He wanted to feel Jaime’s skin against his fingertips. He wanted to slide his hand under his waistband, to cup his soft, round ass in his hands, to pull his slim body tight against him. He wanted to hear Jaime gasp, to make him squirm, to hear him moan. He wanted to slide down his body, to suck him deep into his mouth, to feel Jaime’s fingers clench in his hair. He wanted to make him come undone.
He had to try. He had to risk it. He reached out, moving his hand slowly across the grass toward Jaime. He wanted to touch Jaime’s hair and run his fingertip down his cheek. If that didn’t scare him away, it would be easy to lean closer. His heart pounded in his chest as he anticipated feeling Jaime’s lips against his.
But before he made contact, Jaime sighed sleepily. “Goodnight, Levi,” he said, turning away. He rolled onto his side and snuggled against Dolly, who slept on his other side. “Thanks for bringing me out here.”
Levi bit back the sigh of frustration threatening to escape. “Goodnight,” he said. He flopped onto his back, his heart in his throat, his cock hard and aching inside his bag.
And he resolved once again to wait.

He woke to the sound of birds singing, and the distant drone of a lawnmower. Curled inside his sleeping bag, his body was warm, but the morning air was cold against his face. His lower back and his left hip hurt. It had been a long time since he’d slept on the ground. He was definitely getting older.

He heard a snuffling sound, then Dolly’s cold nose butted against his ear.
“Dolly,” Jaime whispered. “Leave Levi alone!”
Levi laughed. “I’m awake.” He opened his eyes to find Jaime watching him. “How did you sleep?”
“No bad dreams.” Jaime propped himself up on his hand so he could look down at Levi with his clear blue eyes. “How about you?”
“Good,” Levi said, “but my back hurts.”
Jaime smiled. He reached over and took Levi’s hand. “I guess I’ll owe you a massage.”
Levi was surprised at the contact. He held perfectly still, fighting the urge to pull Jaime closer. It was hard to breathe, let alone speak, but he managed to say, “I guess you will.”
“Thanks, Levi.”
“You’re welcome.”
And just like that, the moment was over. Jaime let go of his hand and rolled onto his back to stretch, just as Ruth called from the back door, “What are you boys doing out here?”
“Camping out,” Levi called back. “No girls allowed!”
“Whatever.” She laughed as she crossed the lawn in her bare feet. She was already dressed and carrying two small paper Starbucks cups. She sat down in the grass next to Levi and held one out to him. “Here,” she said in a mock whisper. “Contraband.”
“Oh, Ruth.” Levi moaned as he sat up and took the cup from her. “God, I love you.”
“You should,” she said, as Levi took a drink.
It burned his tongue, but it was worth it. He felt like his eyes were about to roll back in his head.
“Would your parents really be upset?” Jaime asked.
Levi shrugged, and when he looked at Ruth, he saw her mirror the gesture. “Not really,” she said. “They’d be a bit disappointed, but they wouldn’t be angry or anything.”
“Then why all the sneaking around?”
Ruth looked at Levi, and he smiled and answered for her. “Because being sneaky is what makes it fun.”
Jaime shook his head. “I think you’re supposed to leave your teenage rebellion behind once you reach the age of thirty.”
“What fun would that be?”
“I hope you two enjoyed your little two-man campout,” Ruth said, “because I have a feeling you’ll have most of the kids out here with you tonight.”
Levi was less than thrilled at the prospect, but to his surprise, Jaime smiled. “That’ll be fun.” And he was pretty sure Jaime meant it, too. Jaime started to climb out of his bag, and Dolly spun excitedly in a circle.
“Are you leaving us?” Ruth asked.
“Dolly needs her walk,” he said as he gathered up his sleeping bag. “We’ll be back in a bit.”
Levi watched Jaime cross the lawn, headed for the house, with Dolly at his heels. He was amazed at how at-home Jaime seemed to be with his huge, crazy family.
“He has no idea, does he?” Ruth asked, interrupting his thoughts.
“About what?”
“About you.”
He looked over at her in confusion and was a bit annoyed at the laughter he saw in her eyes. “What in the world are you talking about?”
She smiled smugly. “You’re in love with him.”
Such simple words, but it felt like being punched in the stomach. Levi put his head down, closed his eyes, and tried to catch his breath. He tried to find the words to tell his sister she had no idea what she was talking about. Of course, they would have been a lie. He did love Jaime, more than he ever could have believed was possible. Although he’d never thought of it in just those words before—being
in love—
he certainly couldn’t deny they were true. “How did you know?”
She laughed. “It’s pretty obvious. I don’t know how he can’t see it, but he doesn’t. Why haven’t you told him?”
“I can’t.”
“That’s not an answer.”
Levi sipped his coffee while he thought about what to say. “I think something happened to him. I don’t really know what or when. I only know it happened before he was fifteen.”
“What kind of ‘something’ are we talking about?”
He hesitated. He didn’t want to reveal Jaime’s secrets, especially since he really only had guesses at this point anyway, but he trusted Ruth. “I think maybe…” It was still hard to say the words out loud. “Sexual abuse.”
“Oh, Levi, how awful!”
“I don’t know for sure, but I know he’s…” He debated what word to use. He knew Jaime would have said “damaged,” but that wasn’t the way he saw it. “Scarred.”
“And you being in love with him would make it worse?” she asked with obvious doubt.
“It’s not the ‘love’ part that’s the problem,” he said. “It’s what goes with it he couldn’t handle.” He felt himself blush as he said it. Sex was something he’d never really discussed with his sister.
“You can’t have one without the other?”
“If I told him how I felt, he’d feel pressured about the rest.”
“So what are you going to do? Keep it a secret forever?”
The thought of never being able to express his feelings for Jaime made his heart feel heavy in his chest. “All I can do is wait,” he told Ruth quietly. “And pray.”
“What do you pray for?” Ruth asked, and he could hear the hint of disapproval in her voice at the thought he might ask God to grant him a lover. But it wasn’t like that.
“I pray I’ll do the right thing.”
“The right thing for who?”
“For Jaime.”
The relief on her face was obvious. She tousled his hair like she hadn’t done for years. “You’re a good man, Levi,” she said. “You gave us reason to doubt for a few years there, but I knew you’d come around.”
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” he asked.
She shrugged. “Call it whatever you want.” She drained her coffee cup and handed him the empty.
“What am I supposed to do with this?”
“I bought them,” she said as she stood up and headed for the house. “You get to hide the evidence.”