Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (21 page)

If things were awkward between them, it was only for a couple of hours. Levi treated him the same as he always had. And when they went to bed that night, Jaime locked the handle of the bedroom door and stood staring at it, wishing it had a deadbolt like his bedroom door at home. But it didn’t. The safety of staying with Levi still outweighed any security he managed to find in his own bed. He turned to find Levi watching him.

“Do you want me to push the dresser in front of the door?” With anybody else it might have sounded sarcastic, but Levi was sincere.

“No,” Jaime told him, as he climbed into bed. It was tempting, but he knew it would only make him feel more ridiculous in the morning. He curled up on his side of the bed, wishing he were stronger, wishing he wasn’t so afraid. He reached across the bed and found Levi’s hand in the dark, holding it tight until he fell asleep. Even the safety of Levi’s bed, though, couldn’t keep the nightmares at bay, and Jaime woke, shaking, crying into his pillow to keep from waking Levi. It broke his heart to admit he was vulnerable, no matter where he slept.

The next few days were hard. He felt as if he was stumbling around in a daze. He knew he was dangerously close to sinking into a terrible depression, but he couldn’t seem to pull himself out of it. He hated how much the letter had shaken him. Just when he’d started to feel normal, his uncle had re-insinuated himself back in his life, waking old doubts, old fears and the familiar sense of shame. He tried to act normal, but many times over the next few days, he turned to find Levi watching him thoughtfully.

He worked an entire week on autopilot. Saturday morning he buried himself under a blanket on Levi’s couch. The day passed in a slow, dreary blur. Levi tried to talk to him, but Jaime felt as if his head was full of cotton. He could barely hear him. Half of Sunday passed the same way. He only roused himself at all because he could see the concern in Levi’s eyes turning to panic.

It was nearly three on Sunday when he finally showered and dressed, and it took a ridiculous amount of energy to convince himself to put on real clothes instead of his sweats again. When he came out of the bedroom, he found Levi digging through the pile of jackets and gloves and hats and who knew what else covering the floor of his coat closet.

“What are you looking for?” Jaime asked.
“This!” Levi emerged from the closet and triumphantly held his find up for Jaime to see. It was a motorcycle helmet. “Here,” he said, holding it out to Jaime. “Let’s go for a ride.”
Normally, the thought of riding a motorcycle would have terrified him, but he could barely even muster up fear. He couldn’t seem to make himself care at all. “I don’t want to.”
“I know you don’t. But I’m asking you to do it anyway. For me.”
“I’m afraid,” he said because even if he couldn’t quite feel the fear through his depression, he knew it was there.
Levi smiled, stepping closer. “I know you are. But I won’t let anything happen to you, I swear.” He put his hand up, and Jaime held his breath as Levi’s fingertip brushed over his cheekbone. “Baby, please let me do this. Let me try to cheer you up.”
Jaime wasn’t sure having the wits scared out of him could count as being cheered up, but he couldn’t muster much enthusiasm for doing anything else either. “If we wreck and I die, I’ll haunt you from the grave. I’m not kidding.”
Levi laughed. “I’d expect nothing less.”
Now he’d apparently committed to it, he felt his heart start to race. His stomach filled with dread. Levi gave him the leather jacket he usually wore when he rode. It was a bit big on him, but it helped calm his nerves simply because it smelled so damn good. “What about you?” Jaime asked.
“I have an old one I can wear,” Levi told him as he pulled it from the closet.
“What about a helmet?”
“I don’t usually wear one.”
“You should.”
Levi rolled his eyes. “You can lecture me later. Let’s go.” Jaime tucked the helmet under his arm and followed Levi out the door. Although his knees shook so hard he wondered how he managed to walk at all, he made it down the stairs to the lot where Levi’s bike was parked. Once he was faced with actually climbing aboard, he froze.
“I’m scared,” he told Levi again. “What if we get in a accident? What if I fall off?”
“Jaime, trust me. We’ll go slow.” He smiled reassuringly. “It’ll be fine.” Levi took the helmet from his hands and placed it on Jaime’s head, then climbed on the bike. He turned to look back at Jaime and said again, more emphatically this time, “Trust me.”
The bike seemed huge. Bigger than any motorcycle really had a right to be. Jaime tried to tell himself the size should have been reassuring. After all, wouldn’t that make it more stable? His feeble attempt at logic did little to calm his nerves. He tried to think of some other excuse he might use to get out of going with Levi, but the simple fact was, there was nothing else. He was scared. And he could either run away, go back to sitting on the couch staring blankly at the TV, trying not to think about his uncle, or he could get on the bike and hope for the best.
Jaime threw his leg over the back of the bike and settled on the seat behind Levi. Levi showed him where to put his feet. There was no seat back behind him to lean against. There was nothing for him to hang on to but Levi. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist and leaned against his back. “Is this okay?”
Levi held Jaime’s hands with one of his, while reaching back with the other to pull Jaime’s thigh tighter against his own. “Perfect,” he said. He smiled at Jaime over his shoulder. “Now you know my ulterior motive.”
Jaime smiled despite his fear. Levi let go of him and kicked the bike to life. It rumbled beneath them. Jaime’s instincts told him to get off and run back into Levi’s apartment, but he made himself stay put.
“I’ll go slow,” Levi assured him again. “We’ll stay on the side streets for now.”
Jaime could only nod, and when they started moving, he closed his eyes and hung on tight. He was too afraid to do anything else. He felt as if he couldn’t even think, as if his thoughts had to wade through the molasses of his panic.
Levi had promised to go slow, but it didn’t feel slow at all. Jaime was sure they were driving much too fast. He felt the bike turn to the right. His balance felt all wrong, as if they were going to tip over, and Jaime tightened his grip on Levi. A minute later, they turned again. He hated it just as much the second time. When the bike tipped, he wanted to lean the other way, but Levi’s body, which he was holding on to, leaned into the curve, scaring him more.
“Relax, Jaime,” Levi said. “You’re fighting it, which only makes it worse.”
“I can’t relax!”
“I want you to try something. Whenever we go around a corner, I want you to turn your head and look in the direction we’re turning. It’ll feel more natural to you.”
Of course, he couldn’t do what Levi was asking with his eyes clenched shut. He took a deep breath and forced himself to open his eyes. He made himself look.
He was surprised to realize to find they weren’t going as fast as he had suspected. They were cruising through a residential neighborhood, and when Jaime glanced over Levi’s shoulder, he saw they were barely doing twenty-five. The knowledge made him feel a bit better.
“We’re turning right,” Levi told him.
It seemed ridiculous. Why did it matter which direction he looked? But he did as Levi said and turned his head to the right as they went around the corner. It really did make it easier. He was concentrating so much on doing what Levi said that they were halfway around the curve before Jaime realized they were leaning.
“Now left,” Levi told him. This time, the turn felt smooth. It felt natural. It was still scary. He still didn’t like the way the bike leaned fractionally closer to the street as they turned. He still had to fight the urge to lean the other way, but he had to admit Levi was right. His tension had made it worse.
“You ready to get on a real road?” Levi asked at a stop sign.
“No,” Jaime told him. “But I may never be ready, so you may as well do it now.”
The worst part of the “real” roads was the traffic. It felt strange to have cars zooming past so close to them, and Jaime realized Levi was driving slower than everybody else.
“You can go faster,” he told him, although his voice shook as he said it.
Being up to speed actually felt better. But Jaime was still terrified. When they stopped at a red light, Levi said, “Let go of me for a minute.”
“Why?”
“It’ll do you good. You’re too tense. You can’t enjoy it when you’re so tight.” He smiled back at him. “You should know this, Jaime. You’re the one who’s always telling me to relax.”
Levi was right. He’d had been hanging on so tight, he hadn’t realized his arms were practically trembling from the strain. It took real effort to make his muscles respond, and he forced himself to release his grip on Levi. He shook his arms a bit, willing the muscles to relax. When it was time to move again, he put his arms back around Levi’s waist, but he tried to concentrate on keeping himself loose.
Levi took them west and eventually the traffic of the city seemed to spit them out onto a two-lane county road. “You ready?” Levi asked over his shoulder.
Before Jaime could answer, Levi accelerated. Jaime’s heart raced and he fought the urge to grip Levi tighter. He was becoming accustomed to the peculiar movements of the bike and the feeling of being so exposed on the road. He wouldn’t have said he was calm or relaxed. It was more like walking a balance beam over a sea of panic. If he thought about what they were doing, flying down the road on two wheels, or if he thought about how horrifying it would be to wreck, he’d fall off and drown in it. So instead, he concentrated on mundane things. He made himself notice the massive trees on their right, being overrun by kudzu. He noticed the swampy pools on the left and watched idly for alligators, even though he knew he’d probably never see one. He noticed most of the cars passing them going the other direction into Miami had Dolphins signs and banners on them, and he realized there must be a game tonight.
He noticed he felt good, better than he’d felt in days. If he sat up straight and let the wind blow against him, he could almost imagine it was blowing his depression away, clearing the cobwebs from his mind. He felt free. He found himself smiling. The fear wasn’t gone—he was still scared—but he realized concentrating on it was a choice, not a requirement. That was interesting.
“Go faster,” he said to Levi.
He noticed the way Levi turned his head, his eyebrows up in surprise, but then he accelerated, increasing their speed by another five miles per hour. Instead of thinking about how frightening it was to go faster, Jaime concentrated on the way Levi’s hands moved on the throttle, and the way his hair blew back into Jaime’s face, stinging his cheeks. His fear remained. Steady. Not better. Not worse either. It was simply there, and the thought felt like a revelation. It felt like triumph. It felt so good Jaime laughed out loud. He’d tried so hard to fight his fear, but there was a something liberating about giving up the battle and recognizing his fear was part of him. It wasn’t something to be exorcised. It wasn’t something to be obeyed. It needed only to be acknowledged. It was the same as knowing his body was mostly comprised of water. The key was mostly. And the question that followed was, What else?
So Jaime accepted his fear. Yes, it was there. So be it.
Suddenly his fear wasn’t a sea waiting to drown him if he fell. It was more like the snow back in Cleveland when he was a kid. Sometimes it had been so hard and crusty on top he could walk along on its surface, two feet above the ground. Even if his foot broke through, what was the worst that could happen? He’d sink up to his ankle? He’d sink up to his knee? Possibly. But if he did, he’d simply pull his leg out and keep walking. The only way he’d sink all the way was if he allowed himself to fall down and burrow into it.
So Jaime tread carefully upon the surface of his fear and asked himself, What else is there?
He felt strangely complacent. In his mind, Levi and the bike were one being. One machine, big and strong and sure. All Jaime could do was hang on. The road was straight, with little traffic. The bike rumbled beneath him. His ass was numb from the vibration. The sun was shining. The wind on the exposed part of his cheeks felt cold. His hands were cold, too. The warmth of Levi’s body might have kept them warm, if his thick leather jacket hadn’t been in the way.
He let go of his grip around Levi’s waist and put his hands in Levi’s jacket pockets instead. That was warmer, but he felt less secure, so he put his arms back around Levi’s waist. This time, he slid them up under Levi’s jacket, so he could put his hands closer to Levi’s flesh. It felt good. Levi’s T-shirt was between them, but the heat was still there. He could feel Levi’s stomach moving as he breathed. He could feel the indent of Levi’s navel against his finger. And he decided he wanted more. He lifted Levi’s T-shirt and slid his hand underneath and up Levi’s stomach.
The bike jerked as Levi jumped at the unexpected contact, but went quickly back to normal. It scared Jaime, but he found it exhilarating as well. He liked the way Levi responded to his touch.
He kept his right hand on Levi’s stomach, but moved his left hand down, brushing his fingertips over Levi’s groin before sliding his hand down his thigh. It felt good to touch him like this, when Levi was unable to touch him back. It was similar to the day on the couch when he’d thought Levi was asleep. It was arousing without being threatening. He ran his hand back up Levi’s thigh, stopping just short of cupping his groin in his palm.
Levi turned his head enough for Jaime to see he was smiling. “You trying to make me wreck?” he yelled so Jaime could hear him over the wind.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“You know I don’t.”
Jaime found himself smiling. “Torturing you helps distract me.”
Levi laughed. “Distract yourself all you want, baby. You’ll never find a more willing victim.”
Jaime laughed, but Levi’s words struck home. He knew Levi had meant them as a joke, but they were absolutely true. He’d never find another man who would allow him such freedom without demanding anything in return. He wished he had something to offer Levi in return.
Of course, he
did
have something. Jaime knew what Levi wanted, and on some level, he wanted very much to give it to him. But he was still so afraid. He wondered if his fear would ever fade. He wondered if he’d ever be able to reach across the bed to Levi without panicking.
“Faster?” Levi called over his shoulder.
Despite the anxiety still very much alive in his mind, Jaime answered, “Yes.”
Levi accelerated again, and Jaime distracted himself from the speed by exploring Levi’s stomach with one hand. His left hand still rested high inside Levi’s thigh, and he wondered if he had enough nerve to explore more there as well. He marveled at himself a bit that he could even consider something so bold.
And suddenly he realized his fear of sex was no different than his fear of the motorcycle. He could have let his panic keep him from getting on the bike with Levi. It was shocking to think he could have lived his whole life and never had this moment. It occurred to him what a loss it would have been. And wasn’t sex the same? He’d always believed he could never have a normal sex life. After all, who would be willing to tiptoe their way through the wreckage of his past?
Now, he knew: Levi. Levi was willing. Jaime didn’t understand it. Even now, he couldn’t quite believe it. But it was true. Levi wanted him. Levi said he loved him. And although Jaime wasn’t sure yet if he believed in Levi’s love, there were other things he
did
believe with all his heart: Levi would go slow. He would be careful and gentle.
Levi was safe.
Jaime could wait for his fear to go away, and end up missing out on the chance he was being offered. Or he could do as he’d done with the bike and he could let Levi drive.
He knew then, with absolute certainty, what he wanted to do.
“You ready to go back?” Levi asked.
Jaime felt as if his heart was lodged in his throat, but he didn’t hesitate. “Yes,” he told Levi. Although Levi probably didn’t know it, Jaime was talking about a great deal more than the ride home. “I’m ready.”