Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (9 page)

Sleeping arrangements were always a bit of a chore. Levi’s parents’ house had eight bedrooms. Each of the married couples had a bed to share. The last two bedrooms held only one twin bed each. These were given to Levi and Jaime. The kids were all in sleeping bags. The older kids slept in the study. The babies and toddlers were with their parents. The rest were on the floor of Jaime and Levi’s rooms.

Friday morning was chaos, as mornings often were when Levi’s entire family was involved. With nineteen hungry kids and nearly as many tired adults, it was a bit of a circus. Levi was surprised at how happy and comfortable he felt being back with his family. Isaac and Jacob sometimes looked at him askance, and he saw them eyeing Jaime appraisingly. He sensed them watching his and Jaime’s interactions, trying to determine if there was more to their relationship than Levi claimed. He knew Jaime had been nervous the night before, but by the time lunch ended on Friday, he seemed at ease. For the most part, everybody was still on their best behavior.

After lunch, the family went several ways. Some of the kids went outside to play and some went downstairs to watch a movie in the family room. The last few went with Levi’s mother to the store. After his shower, Levi found Jaime playing Uno at the dining room table with his brothers and Rachel. Jackson, Ruth and Caleb’s wife Kirsten were sitting around the table with them, chatting happily while they ate Crunch ’n’ Munch and pretzels.

“But I’d never done anything to them!” Rachel was saying as Levi sat down next to Jaime. He could tell by the nervous glances his other siblings were tossing in his and Jaime’s direction that the conversation was making many of them uncomfortable. “They had no right to be so mean to me.”

Jaime said with obvious amusement.
“We live in Tennessee,” Rachel said. “Why should they care
what happens in California?”
“Right,” Caleb’s wife Kirsten said sarcastically. “Why should
any of us care about the rights of our fellow American citizens?” Rachel stared at her blankly, obviously missing her point. “Don’t start,” Caleb said over his shoulder to his wife. She
rolled her eyes, and Levi knew she wasn’t about to listen. She
disliked Rachel to begin with and she wasn’t one to back down
from an argument.
“The church didn’t make any friends by backing Proposition 8,” Jackson said. “Churches are supposed to stay out of politics. A lot of people would like to see their tax-exempt status revoked for
what they did.”
“For standing up for what they believe in?” Rachel challenged. “No,” Kirsten said. “For pushing their beliefs on others. And
for failing to recognize the division of church and state.” “Gay marriage is against church doctrine—”
“Church doctrine has no place in secular law. You can’t take
away people’s rights to meet your own religious criteria.” “What about
my
rights?”
“Rachel,” Jackson said, “just because it offends you doesn’t
mean it violates your rights. You don’t have a
right
to not be
offended.”
Rachel looked to Isaac for support, but Isaac shrugged. “I agree
with them, actually,” he said.
“You do?” Levi asked in surprise.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Isaac said. “I don’t agree with gay
marriage, and I’ll vote against it every chance I get. But I think the
church should’ve stayed out of it.”
“Why?” Rachel asked.
“Nobody takes us seriously as it is,” he said. “What’s the first
thing people say when they find out you’re LDS?”
“Polygamy,” Jaime said.
“Exactly. Either they ask how many wives or mothers you
have, or they start telling you how
Big Love
is their favorite show.
We’ve been fighting for years to be taken seriously, and any
progress we made has been wiped out in one fell swoop. The only
thing the church accomplished was to give more ammo to people
who want to marginalize us.”
“It is rather ironic,” Jackson said, “that a church ostracized for its beliefs about marriage would seek to ostracize another group for
the same reason.”
“It’s not the same thing at all,” Rachel snapped.
“I think Mormons are just pissed because they didn’t have the
balls to stand up for polygamy back when it mattered,” Kirsten
said.
“Stop,” Caleb said to his wife over his shoulder.
Kirsten ignored him. “Has it ever occurred to you,” she asked
Rachel, “that the constitutional amendment protecting
your
right to
follow Mormon doctrine is the same amendment that’s supposed to
protect everybody else from being forced to live according to
your
religious beliefs?”
“Stop,” Caleb said again.
Rachel ignored him, too. “So you think the church should be
forced to accept it, even if God has told us is a sin?”
“No! They don’t have to accept it. They don’t have to like it.
But they can’t force their beliefs on other—”
“Enough,” Caleb said, louder this time. “We should change the
subject. Your turn, Isaac.”
“I agree,” Jacob said shakily. “We’ll never agree on this issue
and we’ll probably offend our guest in the process.”
“Don’t mind me,” Jaime said.
“Caleb’s right,” Isaac said. “We should drop it.” He laid a card
on the table. “I’m skipping Jacob. Your turn, Rachel.” “That’s how it always goes,” Rachel said as she set a card
down. “We’re supposed to be quiet. We’re supposed to ignore it.
And then we wonder how the gays manage to push their agenda all
the way to the supreme court.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Rachel,” Caleb said. “There is no ‘gay
agenda.’”
“No, she’s right,” Jaime said, without cracking a smile. He
tossed down a card and turned to Caleb. “Your turn. Draw two.” But Caleb didn’t even look at his cards. “There
is
a gay
agenda?” he asked.
“Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two.” “So what’s the first?” Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to
be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime
was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with openmouthed shock.
“Recruitment. Especially of children. That’s why I’m here, in
fact. We’re having a membership drive this month, and whoever
recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin
live.”
Jackson and Ruth were trying not to laugh, as was Caleb’s
wife. The best thing was, Jaime wasn’t even smiling. “It’s still
your turn, Caleb. Draw two.”
Caleb sat there looking confused until Kirsten elbowed him in
the ribs, making him jump. “Sucker,” she said.
Caleb turned back to Jaime with obvious relief. “You’re
joking,” he said, although Levi couldn’t tell whether it was a
statement or a question.
“Am I? By the way, if you join in the month of September,
they’ll send you a nice little lapel pin,
and
you’ll be entered in a
drawing to win a free juicer. It’s a sweet deal.”
Ruth was laughing now, and Caleb smiled. The others were
finally catching on. They were starting to smile, looking a bit
unsure, but relaxing a little. All except for Rachel, who was sitting
stiff and silent, fuming in her anger.
“I do like lapel pins,” Jackson said.
“You’ll love this one, Jack! Levi, show Jackson your lapel
pin.”
Levi patted the collar of his T-shirt, then shrugged. “I don’t
seem to have it on me.”
“You see?” Jaime said to Jack and Ruth, shaking his head in
exasperation. “Levi barely even tries. If he’s not careful, they’ll
revoke his membership.”
Levi was about to say his family would probably be thrilled to
see his membership revoked, but Rachel spoke up before he could
open his mouth. “Very funny,” she snapped, although it clear she
thought no such thing. “Go ahead and make fun of those of us who
still believe in old-fashioned values!”
Isaac and Jacob suddenly looked confused as to whether or not
they should be amused at Jaime’s joke. Jaime just shrugged. “Your
turn, Caleb,” he said. He seemed to be the only one at the table
who cared they were still in the middle of a card game. “Draw
two.”
“You think it’s funny to come into our home and mock us?”
Rachel asked.
“It’s not
your
house,” Ruth said. “And anyway, he wasn’t
mocking ‘us.’ He was mocking
you.
”
“And you started it,” Caleb added.
Rachel looked at Isaac and Jacob for assistance, but they stared
back at her, obviously unsure what to do. They probably agreed
with her in principle, but they didn’t seem to want to get involved
in the argument and her inability to take a joke had always been a
bit beyond them.
“Fine,” she said, slamming her cards down on the table and
standing up. “I don’t want to play any more!”
She stormed off, and her siblings all shared knowing smiles. “Typical,” Jacob said. “She always quits when she starts to lose. It’s still your turn, Caleb. Draw two.”

The rest of the day passed without incident. After dinner, Nancy brought out a giant birthday cake and they sang “Happy Birthday” to Abraham. Afterward, they all crowded into the family room to watch
Shrek.
Saturday was the day it all fell apart because that was the day his dad called the confab.

“It’s a family meeting. We always have one when we’re all together.”
“Is this a Mormon thing?”
“No. It’s a Binder thing.”
For as long as he could remember, his family had met this way. As a kid, it was once a week. They settled arguments or discussed conflicts at confabs. They also prayed together if somebody was having a problem, like when his grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer, or when Jacob’s wife had suffered from repeated miscarriages.
But for approximately the last twelve years, every Binder confab Levi had been part of had ended up being about one issue— him. Specifically, his sexuality. He had been a senior in high school when he confessed his same-sex attraction to his parents. At the time, he’d believed they’d be able to help him change. They’d believed it, too. He hadn’t gone on a mission after high school as so many Mormon boys did because his parents felt he wasn’t spiritually ready. Instead, he’d gone straight to BYU.
Back then, the confabs always came down to praying for him or giving him blessings in an effort to help him overcome his yearnings. And for a few years, he’d tried. He really had. He’d read books and met with LDS counselors. He’d sworn he’d force himself to lead a “normal” life. No matter how hard he prayed, though, and no matter how many same-sex attraction support groups he attended, he could not change his desires.
The more he’d tried, the angrier he became. And the more frustrated he became, the more his family assured him that he simply wasn’t trying hard enough. Their blindness, more than anything, was what made him start to lose hope. They were his family. They said they loved him, and he believed them. Why couldn’t they see how hard he was trying? Couldn’t they see how depressed and lonely he was? All of the effort he put into it felt like nothing less than trying to cut out his very soul. Couldn’t they see it was tearing him apart?
Then, halfway through his junior year at BYU, he’d had his first real sexual encounter. It was a nervous, frightening, bumbling experience, groping and kissing and grinding together in a pitchblack dorm room. But the sheer joy of it—not the sexual pleasure, although that had been nice, too, of course—but the feeling of release, of finally letting his heart out of the box he’d been trying desperately to nail shut, was overwhelming. It was a revelation. The boy he’d fooled around with left BYU a few days later. Levi never saw him again. He didn’t even remember his name. But that boy had changed his life.
After that, he quit trying to redirect his sexuality. He’d come home for spring break and told his parents he was done pretending. He’d asked them to accept him as he was. He’d begged them to support him in his decision.
Their response was to go completely ape-shit.
What followed was a week of tears, arguments, prayers and threats, until his father announced with red-faced finality that he wouldn’t pay for another credit at BYU until Levi had renounced his same-sex attraction.
Levi could have finished out the semester. It was, after all, halfover and already paid for. Instead, he’d bought a bus ticket for Miami. And now, ten years later, his parents were still trying to change his mind.
His family was filing into his father’s study, where the meetings were always held. Levi felt like he was going on trial. The meetings never went well for him.
“I can tell you don’t want to do this,” Jaime said. “Can’t we just go out for pizza and you can accidentally miss it?”
Levi winced. It would have been nice. But no. His parents had specifically picked a time when they would all be present. If he left, they’d only wait and ambush him later. “Not really.”
“Do I wait out here?”
The meeting was for his parents and his siblings only. Spouses were allowed to sit in and listen, but they weren’t allowed to participate. Most of the spouses chose not to attend, primarily because most of them were needed to watch the children while the Binders met, but Jackson always came.
“I wouldn’t go in if I didn’t have to,” Levi said. “Trust me. You’ll have more fun out here.”
Once inside, they all sat in a circle as they always did.
“I’m going to say the opening prayer,” his father said.
Everybody crossed their arms over their chests and bowed their heads.
“Heavenly Father, we thank thee for this day. We thank thee for bringing our family together, and for the joy we have found in each other’s company these last few days. We gather now as a family to discuss any issues we may have, and we ask thee for guidance. We ask thee to bless us with thine spirit, that we may listen to each other with love and understanding. We say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”
“Amen,” the rest of the family mumbled.
“Okay,” Abraham said, smiling around the circle. “Any new business?”
“One thing,” Jacob said. “I’m sure you’re all aware, but I wanted to remind you little Samantha will be blessed tomorrow at church. So I hope everybody’s willing to get up early since Mom and Dad’s ward meets at eight!”
His siblings all chuckled and assured him they would be there. Levi kept his mouth shut. He and Jaime would have to leave by eight anyway to make the twelve-hour drive back to Miami.
“Anything else?” his dad asked.
Rachel raised her hand. “My sister-in-law recently took a job at a homeless shelter in Salt Lake City,” she said. “It’s in a rough neighborhood, and I’m worried. I’d like to ask you all to keep her in your prayers, that she’ll be safe.”
“We will,” his mother said, and the rest of them nodded.
“Anything else?” his father asked. The circle was silent. “Okay,” he said with obvious reluctance. “Any
old
business?”
And without fail, all eyes turned to Levi.
Levi sighed in exasperation. “Do we have to do this?” he asked. “Again? Can’t we finish the weekend in peace?”
A couple of them had the decency to look embarrassed, but the rest of them simply looked confused that he didn’t want to discuss his homosexuality for the thousandth time.
“Levi,” his mother said, “we just want what’s best for you.”
Levi sighed and leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed. All that remained was for the inquisition to begin.
“Levi,” Isaac said, “Jacob and I have been doing some research and we think we’ve come up with what might be a good compromise for our family with regard to your issue.”
Levi tried not to groan. Anything Isaac and Jacob thought was good, especially when it came to his so-called “issue,” was bound to piss him off.
Jacob had a stack of printed sheets, sorted into packets and stapled, and he stood up and started handing them around the circle as he talked. “I printed these off the Internet from the website of a group called Evergreen International.” He offered a packet to Levi. Levi refused to take it, so Jacob placed it in his lap and continued around the circle. “They’re not technically affiliated with the church, but they support church doctrine. They help people who suffer from same-sex attraction.”
“I don’t
suffer
from anything, except you trying to shove a straight camp down my throat.”
“These places don’t work,” Caleb said as Jacob reached his seat and sat back down. “Their success rate for ‘turning’ people straight is negligible.”
“This isn’t a ‘straight camp,’” Isaac said. “And they don’t claim to be able to ‘turn’ anyone.”
That intrigued Levi a bit. He picked the paper up from his lap and started to read it, not because he was considering going to whatever bullshit thing his brothers had come up with, but simply to see what it said. Next to him, Caleb did the same.
“The language is interesting,” Caleb said as he read. “They say they can help you ‘diminish’ same-sex attraction and avoid homosexual behavior.” He looked over at Levi in surprise. “Isaac and Jacob are right. They don’t say they can ‘cure’ you. They just say they can help you control it.”
“I don’t want to ‘control’ it! Call it what you want. I’m not going to any camp where they make me talk about my childhood and we sit around singing “Kumbaya.””
“Levi,” Isaac said, calm as always. Exceedingly rational. Always perfect. “It’s not a camp. You don’t
go
anywhere. It’s a series of support groups. There are several in Miami. Look on the last page I gave you.” Paper rustled as the entire family did as he directed. “There’s a summary of same-sex attraction issues. See the third one, What Causes It? Look what it says.” He read aloud from his sheet. “‘No one chooses to have same-sex attraction feelings. It is not a sin to have these feelings. It only becomes a sin when the individual acts upon those feelings with homosexual behavior.’” He looked over at Levi, as if he expected some kind of response.
“So what?” Levi asked.
“Don’t you see, Levi?” Rachel spoke for the first time, her eyes full of excitement. “They’re saying you’re right. All these years we’ve said you could change if you wanted to, but they understand it’s not so simple!”
Levi could only stare at her in shock. She thought this was a compromise. His entire family, with the possible exceptions of Ruth and Caleb, thought this was something he might appreciate. They were finally accepting his attraction to men couldn’t be changed. It couldn’t be taken away, not by prayer or fasting or denying himself. And by finding a group that acknowledged this fact, his brother and sister actually thought they were moving closer to his own position.
“I think you’re missing a key point here, Rachel,” he said, fighting to keep his voice level and not start yelling. “You’ll notice in the next section, it says, ‘People must desire to move away’ from their homosexuality. I don’t—”
“Levi,” his father said, cutting him off before he could say more, “I really don’t see how you can object to this. In the past, maybe we’ve had unrealistic expectations. We believed you could change if you applied yourself. If this group is correct, and you’re correct, then your attraction to men can’t be changed. But it can be diminished. Isn’t that a good thing? They claim if you’re dedicated, they can help you reduce your homosexual behavior and find peace in a heterosexual marriage.”
“And do they explain how the hell I’m supposed to ever have sex with my heterosexual spouse? Or am I supposed to be celibate for the rest of my life?”
“Sex is a gift God gives us to share with our spouse. If you were truly committed to living righteously with a wife, I’m sure you would find yourself attracted—”
“No, I wouldn’t! You have no idea what you’re talking about! Could you suddenly be attracted to a man?”
“Levi, you’re completely missing the point.”
“No,
you’re
missing the point!”
“This is a compromise,” Isaac said, his calm demeanor starting to crack for the first time. “Don’t you see?”
“I’ll tell you where you can shove your compro—”
“Levi!” his mother snapped, and Levi sat back in his chair, fuming.
Jacob sat up, leaning into the circle. “Levi, the family only wants what’s best for you.”
“No! You want what’s best for you. And you refuse to accept that maybe it isn’t the same as what’s best for me.”
Isaac opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off by Rachel.
“I call the vote,” she said.
This was the other factor involved in the Binder Confabs: the vote. Any family member could call a vote, but whoever called it didn’t get to contribute. In a family of eight, that was supposed to keep the vote from splitting evenly, although that still happened occasionally when one or more of the family members passed on an issue. It wasn’t a secret ballot. They went around the circle and each person was given a chance to cast his or her vote, and an opportunity to explain the reasons for choosing the way he or she did. Nobody was allowed to discuss or argue during the vote, and when it was over, nobody was allowed to debate the decision. The entire family was expected to abide by the result. Now that everybody but Levi was married, the extended family was expected to abide by the vote as well.
“You can’t call a vote on this,” Levi said. It was true the vote had been used many, many times in his life, but always for things related to the entire family. They voted to settle arguments when they were kids, like when they had to decide between buying a pool table or trampoline, or whether they’d get a guinea pig or a bunny. They voted on where they’d go for vacation, or whether they’d have turkey or ham for Easter dinner. But to vote on the personal life of one particular family member was far more personal than they’d ever made it. “This is my life. You can’t vote on whether or not I want to go to support groups.”
Rachel looked confused, but Levi’s father came to her rescue. “You’re correct, Levi,” he said. “We can’t vote on whether or not you
do
go. What we
can
vote on is whether or not we as a family think you should
try.
We’ll simply have to hope your conscience does the rest.”
Levi crossed his arms and sat back angrily in his chair. There was nothing else he could do.
“Rachel has called the vote,” Abraham went on. “I agree with her that this is a good compromise. We’ve had unrealistic expectations in the past, but this group seems to be very compassionate. I think it’s a wonderful idea. So I vote with your siblings.”
He turned to the next person in the circle, Isaac. “I’m the one who brought the info,” he said. “I think it’s pretty obvious what my vote is.” He turned to Jacob.
Jacob simply shrugged. “I helped Isaac do the research. My vote is with him.” He turned to their mother.
Nancy smiled over at Levi, trying to be supportive. “Levi, we love you so much. We only want you to be happy. I vote for Evergreen, too.”
Rachel was next in the circle, and since it was her vote, she remained silent. And then it was Levi’s turn.
“Whether this group talks about ‘turning’ me straight or ‘diminishing’ my ‘same sex attraction,’ it’s the same thing. Either way, it means trying to be happy with a wife I don’t love and never having sex again.” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice as he said it. “Maybe that sounds acceptable to the rest of you, but I’d rather slit my own wrists. I vote no.”
Caleb was next and he looked incredibly uncomfortable. He was leaning forward on his knees, staring down at his shoes. Finally he said, “I think I vote with Levi on this.”
Levi sighed with relief. He couldn’t win the vote now, but it was nice to have the support of somebody. “Thank you,” he said.
Caleb turned on him, and Levi was surprised by the obvious anger in his eyes. “Don’t thank me. I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin, but the way you’re living just might be. And it pisses me off. You’re so determined to show us all just how bad you can be. Your lifestyle is selfish, self-destructive, and frankly, downright dangerous. And the worst part is, you don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about destroying our family!”