Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (28 page)

Not everything went well. Sometimes they had to stop. Sometimes his shame would start to work its way through his brain and he’d find himself freezing up, becoming depressed and unresponsive. Sometimes panic killed the mood. When it came, it hit fast and hard, and he’d be out of the bed and halfway across the room before he even realized what had happened, much as he had that day in Levi’s living room. But no matter what, no matter how many times Jaime ended up saying no or freaking out, Levi took it in stride, always assuring him he understood. The best part was, Jaime believed him. And the fact he believed Levi made him more comfortable about pushing his boundaries.

They soon learned Jaime could not handle
anything
if he was flat on his stomach. The slightest touch when he was in such a vulnerable position would send him over the edge. But they also learned that as long as he was on his back, his side, or on top of Levi, he could usually keep his past at bay.

He liked oral sex. What wasn’t to like? He
loved
69. But what really surprised Jaime was how good it felt the first time Levi’s tongue moved down, past his balls, past his perineum, to gently tease his entrance. It surprised him and he tensed up instinctively, so Levi moved away, directing his tongue back up Jaime’s shaft instead. But the moment of contact woke something in Jaime—a curiosity or a longing maybe. A desire to know for sure. He reached down and pushed Levi’s head, directing him back where he’d been. Levi went willingly, his tongue making slow, soft circles around his rim.

Jaime couldn’t believe how amazing it felt. It was a subtle pleasure, yet it seemed to make his cock ache for more. He’d always believed any contact with that part of him would revive horrible memories, but it didn’t. Not even close. There was no panic. There was no shame. There was nothing even remotely like discomfort or pain. There was only sheer, untainted pleasure. Levi’s tongue continued to move on him. His hand moved up Jaime’s cock, but he didn’t grip him or stroke him. Instead, the ball of his thumb made small, torturous circles over Jaime’s frenulum. It was an amazing sensation, Levi’s tongue circling his hole and his thumb gently teasing the most sensitive part of his cock. It made him want more, and yet, he had no idea what could be better than what Levi was doing. He let Levi tease him that way all the way to the end, and the result was exquisite.

“I want to do that again,” Jaime said, as soon as he was able to breathe.
Levi laughed breathlessly. “You and me both.”
Levi seemed to take the invitation as a personal challenge. Over their next few times together, his tongue seemed always to find its way there. Jaime especially loved when Levi suddenly released his cock and attacked his hole instead. Feeling his tongue lapping at him, it was easy for Jaime to push down and feel Levi’s tongue penetrate him. And that was all it took on that occasion to push him over the edge.
When Levi began to tease him there again the next day, Jaime reached over to the bedside table for the bottle of massage oil that seemed to always be there. But Levi hesitated when Jaime handed it to him.
“Just your finger,” Jaime told him, hating the fact he blushed as he said it. “I want to try.”
It was clear Levi wanted him to be ready before he attempted it. He teased him for a long time, his tongue licking, swirling and eventually pushing in. But to Jaime’s relief, when Levi slid his finger inside, there wasn’t even an echo of the horror Jaime had suffered through all those years ago. This place where Levi’s fingers gently entered and lovingly stroked wasn’t the same part of him at all. Some other part of him had been beaten and used, violated and torn. But in his mind, that part of him was separate, blocked off from what he felt now. It wasn’t the part of him Levi touched. It could not possibly be the part of him feeling such undeniable pleasure.
“More,” he said to Levi, and when Levi slid a second finger inside, Jaime arched his back, gasping for air. Levi’s warm, wet mouth closed around his cock. His fingers moved in and out, and Jaime grabbed Levi’s hair, pushing deep, knowing he was about to come. Suddenly, Levi’s fingers touched something inside of him, and the whole world seemed to light up like the sun. The entire universe ceased to exist. It was, without a doubt, the most amazing orgasm of his life, not least of all because of what it meant. He was whole. He was fine. He wasn’t damaged after all. Scarred maybe, but nothing more. When it was over, Levi pulled him into his arms. Levi whispered in his ear that he loved him. He told him he was beautiful and strong, and Jaime finally believed it was true.
He hung on to Levi and he cried.

Levi loved his new job. The nursery was owned by two women, Maggie and Serena Gomez. They were from Iowa and proudly announced to Levi during his interview they were married. He was fairly certain his easy acceptance of the fact was half of the reason they’d given him the job.

In some ways, working at the nursery wasn’t much different from bartending. It was still helping people, selling them something, taking money. But even when he had dirt all over his hands from repotting, even when his back hurt from digging up saplings, he felt cleaner than he had at The Zone, and he looked forward to spring and summer, when he’d get to spend less of his time in the greenhouse and more of it outside in the sun.

It was mid-February when Jaime and Dolly finally moved in. Jaime’s house in Miami was under contract, and he’d be licensed to practice massage in South Carolina early in March. Rather than an enclosed back porch, their new house had a study near the front door, which they’d outfitted as Jaime’s massage room.

Levi loved that Jaime’s business cards now said Jaime M. Binder, LMT, NMR, BMT. He kept one in his wallet so he could pull it out and look at it on occasion. It made him smile every time. And Dolly now had a fenced-in back yard. Levi was pretty sure she approved of the new arrangement.

Levi was happier than he’d ever been, but there was one thing making him nervous—sex. It was a strange predicament for him. It wasn’t something he’d had to worry about in a very long time. At first, he’d been thrilled Jaime was so anxious to try new things. Now he worried he’d pushed Jaime too fast. The night he first introduced Jaime to anal play had changed things, and he wasn’t sure it was for the better. He knew Jaime was moving toward intercourse and while Levi found the idea thrilling, it also scared him to death.

He’d offered more than once to bottom, but Jaime didn’t seem to have any interest in that. On one hand, Levi had been relieved. He’d only bottomed twice in his life, both times shortly after moving to Miami, and neither experience had been pleasant. The idea of trying again had scared him, but the idea of having Jaime bottom scared him even more. He feared if anything could bring his new life crashing down around him, it was that.

Not long after Jaime moved in, it became an issue. They were in bed, making out. Jaime was on his back with Levi on top. It was a position Jaime now seemed to like as long as Levi was careful not to pin his arms or put too much weight on him. There was no thought in Levi’s head except for how good Jaime felt, and the sounds he made as they moved together, kissing, touching and tasting, straining against each other in a way that was becoming familiar, but was still new enough to make his heart soar. Then he felt Jaime’s hand, slick with massage oil, slide down his length.

The contact made him shudder, and he held Jaime tighter, thrusting into his oiled hand. Jaime released his cock. He lifted his knees, locking his ankles behind Levi’s back. “I want to try, Levi,” he whispered.

Everything seemed to stop. Levi had to force himself to breathe. He looked down into Jaime’s blue eyes, so trusting, and yet so scared.

This was something Levi had wanted from the first weeks they’d known each other. It was something he’d dreamed about months ago as he stroked himself to climax while watching Jaime sleep. But now it could truly happen, Levi found himself scared to move. What if he hurt Jaime? What if he went too fast? What if the horrible panic that sometimes overtook Jaime during sex ruined everything? And it wasn’t only this one encounter that might be lost. If it was something as inconsequential as one evening, Levi would have tried, but this was so much more. This could truly harm Jaime, not just physically, but mentally as well. It could hurt him in the same way he’d been hurt by his uncle. Levi imagined Jaime never being able to look at him with love or trust in his eyes again. He was afraid Jaime would end up fearing him, and he’d never be able to win him back.

“We don’t have any condoms,” Levi said, although he knew it was a weak excuse.
“You told me the tests were negative.”
“They were,” Levi said, “but we should still use one.”
Jaime shook his head. “You said it was up to me, and I say we don’t need them.”
Levi
had
said that, but he hadn’t ever dreamed it would become an issue so soon. The truth was, he wasn’t nearly as worried about the tests being wrong as he was about the other problems that might arise. The thought of the pain he might cause Jaime paralyzed him.
“I can’t,” he whispered.
“You can,” Jaime said, kissing him.
Levi’s words hadn’t been rhetorical. The thought of what might happen had literally made him incapable. His erection was gone, and he could only pull Jaime close and hold him tight. “I don’t want to hurt you, Jaime. I love you so much.”
“Don’t you see, Levi?” he asked. “That’s why it’ll be fine.”
Levi could only shake his head. Jaime sighed, and if he was disappointed it was only for a moment. “Another time then,” he said. He rolled them over. He moved down on Levi and used his tongue and warm mouth to coax Levi’s erection back to life. He turned around, offering himself to Levi as he continued his own attentions, and Levi happily obliged him, sucking him in deep. He felt Jaime’s gratified moan vibrating in his own cock.
This was easy. This he could do. But even as he lost himself to the pleasure they shared, one thought remained in the back of Levi’s mind: Jaime wouldn’t be dissuaded forever.

Nancy’s birthday was the last Saturday in March, and the entire family gathered at Levi’s parents’ house to celebrate. After the half-full house at Christmas, it was strange being together with all of them again. Jaime could sense the ones who hadn’t been around at Christmas watching he and Levi, unsure how to act. Abraham was cold to both of them, and Isaac and Rachel especially seemed not to know how to handle it. Dinner was tense, to say the least.

When it was over, Abraham announced he wanted the family to meet in his study. Next to him, Jaime was surprised to hear Jacob groan.

“Don’t go,” his wife said to him. Nobody else heard, mostly because nobody else was listening.
“I have to,” Jacob said.
“Maybe it won’t be so bad this time.”
“It’ll be just like every other time,” he said. “It never ends. It’s the same old argument. I wish we didn’t have to talk about it at all.”
Jaime was distracted from his eavesdropping by Ruth. “Come on, Jaime,” she said, pulling him out of his chair. “You should come, too.”
Jaime didn’t argue, but followed the rest of the family down the hall to the study. “Don’t get upset when they start harping on our ‘lifestyle,’” Levi told him quietly. “It won’t do any good. Just bite your tongue and wait for it to be over.”
The last thing Jaime wanted to do was draw attention to himself. “No problem.”
The family members were all sitting in their seats around the circle.
“Here we go again.” Levi sighed. “It never ends.”
The words were so much like Jacob’s, and Jaime debated if he should tell Levi. And then he realized, he had the answer.
Levi was turning away to take his seat, and Jaime grabbed his hand. “Call the vote,” he said quietly to Levi.
“What vote? What do you mean?”
“Tell them you don’t want to talk about this anymore. Tell them it’s a dead issue, and you want to call the vote.”
“Why?” Levi said, shaking his head. “It won’t do any good.”
“Levi?” Nancy called out. “We’re waiting on you.”
“Trust me,” Jaime whispered. He let Levi go and took his seat near the door with Jackson.
The Binder confab started as it always did, with an opening prayer, asking God to guide them, and then Abraham clapped his hands and said, “Okay, people, any new business?”
Isaac spoke first. “You all know the prognosis for Kristine’s mother is not good. The doctors say another three or four months. I’d like to ask you all to keep her in your prayers.”
“We will, honey,” Nancy said, and the rest of the family nodded.
“Anything else?” Abraham asked.
Everybody looked uncomfortably around the circle, but nobody spoke.
“Any old business?”
Nobody answered, although they all glanced nervously at Levi. Abraham was opening his mouth to speak, but Levi beat him to it.
“We all know what the old business is,” he said drily. “It’s me.”
“Levi, it’s a testament of our love that we continue to want what’s right for you.”
“I don’t question your love for me,” Levi said. “And I hope none of you question my love for you. But I’m tired of having this discussion over and over again. I know your side, and you know mine. And nothing is ever going to be resolved.”
Ruth looked surprised, and pleased. Everybody else in the circle was shifting nervously in their seats.
“I think it’s time we accept there will never be a resolution to this issue and debating it every time we’re together only causes heartache. I propose we put this issue to rest and never discuss it again.”
“Levi—” Abraham started to say, but Levi spoke over him.
“I call the vote.”
There was silence in the circle. Jaime’s heart was pounding. He hoped he was right to have suggested this course of action. Next to him, Jackson scrunched down in his seat and hid his smile behind his hand.
Ruth broke the silence. “In the past, I think we all had serious misgivings about the way Levi lived—and I think our concerns were warranted—but everything’s changed now.” She looked over at Jaime, and Jaime felt himself blush under her scrutiny. “Levi’s quit working at the club. More importantly, he’s forsaken the perks of working at that particular club.” Levi blushed, but didn’t look away. “He moved away from Miami. I think it’s clear he’s completely committed to Jaime, and I think Jaime’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. I vote with Levi.”
She sat back in her seat and looked past Levi, who was beside her, to the next person in the circle, Rachel.
Rachel didn’t sound as sure of herself as Ruth had, but she didn’t hesitate. “With regards to homosexuality, I think church doctrine is quite clear, but Ruth is right. Everything’s changed now. It’s still a sin, but I believe denying Levi and Jaime the comfort and love of their family is a far worse sin.” Jaime was touched and a bit amazed she had included him in her statement. “I vote with Levi.”
She turned to Caleb, who was next in the circle. Caleb sat up straight, clearing his throat. “I disagree with the church on this issue. It’s true in the past, I felt Levi’s lifestyle was unhealthy and self-destructive. Now, though, I think he’s on the right track. He obviously loves Jaime very much, and I don’t believe love is ever a sin.” He looked around the circle with a challenge in his eyes. “I’d also like to say my wife and I live outside the laws of the church as much as Levi, and I thank God every day you all have never passed judgment on us for it. I think it’s time we afforded Levi the same courtesy. I vote with Levi.”
He turned to his father, sitting next to him. Abraham looked a bit shell-shocked. “I have to disagree with you all. Church doctrine is clear on this issue. I don’t stand by that doctrine out of some blind devotion to the church elders. I stand by it because I love Levi, as I love all of my children, and I want him to live righteously. I want him to be able to meet his Heavenly Father someday and not have to hang his head in shame. My vote is no.”
He turned to Isaac, who didn’t hesitate to speak. “I agree with Dad. The fact Levi is apparently in a monogamous relationship now changes nothing. The fact they may love each other changes nothing. Choosing to continue homosexual behavior is still a sin. I vote no.”
He turned to Jacob, who looked scared to death. His eyes darted around the circle. He looked over at Ruth, Rachel and Caleb, apparently realizing his vote could decide the issue if he took their side, which was what Jaime was counting on.
Jacob’s voice, when he spoke, was shaky. “I have to agree with Isaac,” he said. “The nature of Levi’s relationship with Jaime doesn’t make his lifestyle any less of a sin.” He stopped, and Jaime felt his heart sink. “However, I have to agree with Levi, too. I am sick and tired of talking about this every time we’re together. Church doctrine isn’t going to change any time soon, but I’m pretty sure Levi’s feelings on the matter aren’t going to change either. Especially now.”
He stopped, staring at his feet, until Nancy said, “What is your vote?”
Jacob sighed. “I pass,” he said, and put his head down in his hands.
Everybody else in the circle now turned to Nancy. If she sided with Levi, it would be over, but if she voted against him, the vote would be tied. Jaime wasn’t sure what happened then.
“For years, we prayed for God to change our son. We prayed Levi would renounce his lifestyle and find his way back to the church and back home. And all those years we prayed, he drifted farther and farther away. After Ruth’s prayer in November, I started thinking maybe she was right and I changed my prayer. Since then, I’ve prayed for two things with regard to Levi: I prayed he would find peace, and I prayed he would come home. And only
then
did our Heavenly Father see fit to answer me.”
“Nancy!” Abraham said. “You cannot—”
“Dad,” Ruth interrupted, “you can’t argue during the vote!”
It took obvious effort on Abraham’s part to abide by the rule. He crossed his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair, glaring at his wife.
Nancy took a deep, shaking breath, and met her husband’s eyes. “I know God’s law according to President Monson and his apostles. I know what the church says. But I know what’s in my heart, too. Levi is my son, and I don’t want to drive him away any more. I love him. And he loves Jaime. Right or wrong, I don’t think it’s something I want to try to change. I think the best thing we can do, as a family, is to love them both, and let the rest be in God’s hands. I vote with Levi.”
Abraham bent over and put his head in his hands. “I cannot condone this,” he said. His hands muffled his voice, but his words were still understandable. “I cannot abide by this vote.”
“Yes, you can, Abe,” Nancy said, her voice gentle, but firm. “This is how our family has always done things. You don’t get to change the rules now just because things aren’t going your way.”
“Dad,” Levi said in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood, “you certainly can’t object to Jaime. He’s a better Mormon than half the people in this room.”
His joke caused a few of them to laugh, but Abraham wasn’t one of them. He shook his head. “Levi, you know my feelings on the matter. I cannot in good faith condone this.”
“I’m not asking you to condone my lifestyle or to change your mind about whether or not it’s a sin. I don’t expect you ever to approve. But debating this issue every time we see each other doesn’t help.”
“But to turn a blind eye to this sin, here in my own house? Levi, how can I?”
“The same way you pretend nobody in this room had coffee this morning. The same way you pretend Caleb and his wife don’t drink. The same way you pretend Jackson’s actually Mormon at all.” Ruth ducked her head to hide her grin, and Jackson burst out laughing, although he quickly stifled it when everybody turned his way.
“Dad,” Levi went on, “I know you hate this because it means we won’t be together as a family in heaven. I’m sorry about that. But I want us to be a family here, in this life at least.” He looked around at his siblings. “Isn’t that better than nothing?”
“Yes,” Ruth and Rachel said together. Caleb nodded as well.
“Abraham,” Nancy said quietly, “God has brought my son back to me. Don’t you dare try to take him away again.”
“No,” Abraham said, standing up. “This is not right!”
“This isn’t about right and wrong,” Nancy said, her voice like ice. “This is our family! The decision has been made.”
“I won’t accept it!”
“Yes, you will!”
“No,” he said with finality, “I won’t.” He stalked out of the room, not quite slamming the door behind him. The rest of the family shuffled nervously in their chairs, looking around the room, but not meeting each other’s eyes.
“Mom,” Levi said, “I’m sorry—”
“Don’t apologize,” his mother said, leaving no room for argument. She looked around the circle at her children. “The vote stands.”
“What about Dad?” Isaac asked.
“That’s not for you to worry about,” Nancy said. She looked directly at him, and Jacob sitting next to him. “Will the two of you be able to abide by this vote?”
Jacob nodded, but Isaac looked uncomfortable. “Dad will never accept it.”
“I’m not asking about your father. I’m asking about
you.
We’ve voted here today, and I’m asking if you can accept our decision?”
Isaac glanced around the circle at his siblings, then back at Jackson and Jaime. His cheeks flushed red, and he sighed. “Yes,” he said to his mother. “I’ll abide by the family’s decision.” He looked over at Levi. “I’ll continue to pray you’ll change your mind.”
“Knock yourself out,” Levi said with a forced smile. “Just don’t expect me to pray with you.”
They lapsed into silence, each of them apparently lost in their own thoughts. Levi looked back at Jaime, smiling, but with heartache in his eyes, and Jaime wished he could go to him. But he stayed in his seat.
“Okay,” Nancy said at last, “let’s bow our heads, and I’ll say the closing prayer.”
Everybody crossed their arms and ducked their heads, including Jackson. Jaime crossed his arms, but kept his eyes on the circle of Levi and his family.
“Heavenly Father, we gather before thee today with happy hearts, but with troubled souls. We are lost, as never before. Heavenly Father, when last we gathered together as a family in thy presence, we asked thee to guide my son Levi. We asked thee to help him find that which he sought. We asked thee to make him whole. This is something we have prayed for many times since. It would seem, Heavenly Father, that in thy divine wisdom, thou hast granted our prayer. And yet, not in the way any of us expected. We cannot help but question whether or not this is right. We cannot question your wisdom, Heavenly Father, and therefore we must question our own.
“We need your guidance, Heavenly Father. Our family is at a crossroads, and we do not know which way to go because it seems either way we turn, we will commit a grave sin in thy eyes. We have been told this love we see here before us is a sin. For us to embrace it and accept it in our homes must also be a sin. Yet, the other option we are presented with is to renounce our son and our brother. To pass judgment. To fracture our family. To cause pain and suffering to someone we love. And we know from thy teaching Heavenly Father, that this is also a sin. We do not know which of these sins is greater.
“For ourselves, Heavenly Father, we feel we can no longer keep our family at odds. We do not know if this is thy will or not. We do not know if this choice will please thee. What we do know, Heavenly Father, is this: for the first time, we look at Levi and we see he is happy. We see he is strong. We see his heart is whole and full of love. Is that not according to thy will? He is as thou made him. Is it our place to question thee? Is it our place to pass judgment on that which thou hast seen fit to grant him? We do not understand. But we are grateful. We are thankful we can be here together, in the grace of thy love. We ask thee, Heavenly Father, to open our hearts and our minds to thee. We ask thee to guide us. We ask thee to grant us a tiny piece of thy divine wisdom that we may choose the right path, and do what is right in thy eyes. We ask for thy guidance in this, as in all things.
“We humbly ask these blessings in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ. Amen.”
It should have felt like a victory, but Jaime could see how heavily Abraham’s disapproval weighed on Levi’s heart. The rest of the family went out of the study, gathering in the kitchen, or in the family room to watch TV. Some were spending the night, and some, like Jaime and Levi, were driving back home.
Soon, too, the family room started to empty. Jaime knew Levi was stalling, hoping to see his father before they left to make sure everything between them was okay. But he waited in vain.