Marriage On Demand (31 page)

"'Cause you don't like 'em back," David said, his voice very small.

"No!"
Austin
looked down and cupped the boy's chin in one of his hands. "No. Because I do like you back. It scares me."

It sounded too dumb for words, yet of anyone, David would understand. "I'm always afraid if I care about people too much, they'll go away."

David nodded. "Like my mom and dad."

"Yes. But if you don't care, no one ever loves you. You don't get to love anyone back. You spend your life alone. It's safe, but it's not right."

"You're not alone,
Austin
," David said with the confidence of youth. "You've got Rebecca."

He wasn't so sure anymore. But that wasn't for the boy to worry about. "I'm sorry I missed your party. I didn't mean to hurt you."

David smiled up at him. "I understand. I'm glad you came now." He thought for a minute. "Oh, thanks for the ponies."

Austin
remembered the package he'd brought over with him. He reached around the tree and held it out. "This is for you. Happy birthday."

David grinned and tore at the wrappings. When he raised the lid on the box, he stared at the rows of wood-working tools. "Golly, look at this."

"They're scaled down so they'll be easier to work with,"
Austin
said, absorbing the boy's wide smile and the light in his eyes. "You'll have to be careful, though, and only use them with supervision. We never did finish that birdhouse. I thought you might want to bring them over tomorrow and we'll get to work."

David reached up and flung his arms around
Austin
's neck. He squeezed hard. "I love you," he whispered. "I knew you'd remember me. I knew you wouldn't forget."

"I'll never forget,"
Austin
promised.

"When I'm gone, will you write me?"

Austin
pulled him back and stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

David shrugged and stared at his new tools. "I was in the hallway the other night and I heard Mary tellin' someone that my family is going to send me to a boarding school. I don't know where." He looked up hopefully. "Will you write?"

"Yes,"
Austin
promised. He touched the boy's face, his hair, then finally pulled him against his chest and held on. "I'll write."

David chattered about his party and all the presents he'd received. His voice got slower and slower, until he fell asleep.
Austin
continued to hold him, to listen to his soft breathing. It was happening again. The family would send David to a school and forget about him. They would abandon him until it came time to move him somewhere else. He would never be wanted, never have a home, never know what it was like to be loved.

It was already starting. David had so easily resigned himself to his fate.
Austin
raised his gaze to the heavens and silently screamed at a world that would allow this tragedy to occur again.

* * *

It was close to
midnight
when he made his way back to the barn. He'd delivered David to bed, then spent an hour with Kyle setting up the train set. If the other man had noticed his lack of conversation, he had never let on.

Austin
climbed the stairs quietly, thinking Rebecca might be asleep. When he reached the loft, he saw her sitting in the living room. A lamp shone from the corner, but other than that it was dark.

"You were gone when I got back," she said.

"I went to see David." He sat across from her in the wing chair. She was curled up in a corner of the sofa. The large cushions looked as if the could swallow her whole. "We talked about my missing his party. I guess we made up."

"I'm glad."

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, lacing his fingers together. "He said that his family wants to send him to a boarding school."

"I know."

"Is that why you want to adopt him?"

"I wanted
us
to adopt him," she said, "because I thought we could give him a warm and loving home. I knew about their plans. Given the choice between being shuffled between unwilling relatives and the stable environment of a boarding school, the school comes out ahead in my book."

"I agree."

"Fine. We're in accord about something."

He hated the bitterness in her voice. "I'm sorry, Rebecca."

She pulled her knees closer to her chest. "Are you? About what?"

"About everything."

"That's nice and general. It's clean, tidy, covers everything without your having to admit to any wrong. I'm impressed."

"Don't be sarcastic," he said, staring at her.

"Why? I'm trying to speak to you on your level. I thought you'd appreciate it."

"Don't be like me."

"Be careful,
Austin
," she said, tossing her head. Her hair settled around her shoulders. "Someone might make the mistake of believing you actually cared. You wouldn't want that to happen. It would be a calamity. The earth might have to open up and swallow us whole."

He rose to his feet. "Stop it."

"Why? Aren't I being the perfect, loving little wife anymore? Do you miss her? I have news for you, pal. This is what it's like living with you. Nothing matters, not feelings or people. It's all just a game. You hide, then try to destroy anyone who is stupid enough to go looking for you." She sighed and dropped her forehead to her knees. "You win. I'm done playing."

He flinched as if she'd slapped him. "You're leaving." It wasn't a question.

"I don't know." She raised her head and met his gaze. He saw the pain in her beautiful eyes, the hurt and disillusionment he'd put there. "I want to believe it's going to be okay. I want to trust that I can win you over, but I don't know anymore." She shook her head. "I assumed loving you was enough, but it isn't, is it?"

"No," he said hoarsely.

"I thought as much. You have to love me back. You're not going to."

He didn't say anything. He couldn't. Love her back. Oh, God, and then what? Trust her? Trust that it was going to last? Trust that she could know the darkest, ugliest part of him and still be there every day? No, it wasn't possible.

He walked over to the window and stared out into the darkness.

"What do you see there?" she asked. "What do you stare at? The past? Do you relive those lonely times over and over again? Do you ever see me? Hear my voice? Do you ever tell yourself to believe?"

"I try," he whispered, fighting the emptiness clawing at him.

"But you don't yet."

"No."

He heard her sigh. The reflection from the lamp allowed him to watch her stand up and walk close to him. When she was directly behind him, he felt her hands on his back.

"I had this dream of a fairy-tale wedding," she said. "I wanted to wear a beautiful white dress and be surrounded by all my friends and family. I wanted to be in a church filled with roses and sunlight, and ringing with the sounds of laughter and happiness. I wanted to marry my prince there, ride off on a white horse and live happily ever after."

His chest tightened, making it hard to breathe. "Then
Wayne
died and you lost your dream."

"
Wayne
? No, Austin. You were the prince in that dream of mine." She leaned against his back and wrapped her arms around his waist. He stiffened at the contact, but she didn't pull away. "It was always you. From the very beginning. Despite everything, I love you. I'll always love you. Even knowing the secret you try to hide."

"No." He turned quickly and grabbed her wrists, setting her away from him. "You don't know anything." Her gaze held his. Love and light radiated from her face, hurting his eyes, but he couldn't look away.

"You're wrong," she said. "I figured it out. I thought it was about the way you watched me with the children. I thought you needed me to touch you and hold you, but that was only a symptom. The problem isn't that you're not worth the trouble. The problem is you believe you're not worth loving. But you are. You're kind and gentle. Generous. You treat me like I'm the most precious thing you've seen. You hold me in the darkness, you fight for me, you believe in me and what I want. The only part of me you won't accept is the part that loves you. Watch out,
Austin
. That's all of me. Every cell of my being is filled with love for you. You can't yell it out of me. You can't make me stop loving you."

She pulled her wrists free of his grasp and touched his face. He jerked back as if burned. She smiled sadly. "Be careful, though. You can't make me not love you, but you can drive me away."

With that she turned and headed for the stairs. He watched her go, wanting to call her back, but unable to form the words. He felt as if his world had shifted on its axis. Nothing was as he'd thought it should be.

Rebecca knew. Somehow she'd figured out the truth. That he wasn't worth loving. That he had a flaw so horrible even his own mother had recoiled from him. And yet Rebecca claimed to love him. It wasn't possible. He wouldn't let it be. He couldn't.

If he believed she loved him now, he would have to admit how much he needed that love. He would have to stare into the face of his empty life and know the suffering he'd endured. Better to turn his back on it all. Better to be alone than to risk it all.

He watched from the window, but she didn't appear. At least she hadn't gone for one of the cars. He closed his eyes and steadied his breathing. The silence surrounded him, pressing against his body. It deafened him.

There was a time when he'd enjoyed the silence. That was before his life had been filled with the sounds of Rebecca.

Now the quiet tormented him. He would get used to it again, he told himself. He would have to if he was to survive without her.

Outside the circle. Alone. He'd been happy there. Outside the circle, where David now stood. But the boy wasn't happy. He hadn't learned how to pretend it didn't matter that he didn't fit in. How to pretend he wasn't in agony with every breath, knowing he would live out his days in mind destroying silence.

"Rebecca," he whispered. Oh, God, what if it was too late?

He raced across the room and tore down the stairs. When he reached the foyer, he ripped open the door and stared out into the night, searching for her. "Rebecca," he called.

"
Austin
? I'm right here." She sat on the steps, looking up at him. "What's wrong?"

"I thought you were gone." He was panting, barely able to get the words out.

"I was going to take a walk, but I'm too tired."

He leaned down and brought her to her feet. Tightly holding both of her hands, he said, "Don't leave me."

She sighed. "I was being melodramatic. I'm sorry. I won't leave you, despite your lack of belief in us. I love you, Austin I'm going to keep saying it until you believe me."

He released her hands and cupped her face. He'd been given another chance. A last chance. It wasn't too late. "You are so beautiful," he whispered. "I love you, Rebecca Lucas. I love you with my heart and soul, such as they are. Don't leave me. Please. I would never survive the silence."

"
Austin
?"

He bent down and kissed her. Softly, tenderly, his lips pressing against hers. She trembled in his embrace.

"
Austin
, you're not kidding, are you?"

He smiled. "No. I've been frightened of caring, but I'm more frightened of losing you forever. Of not seeing our child. I don't know what kind of husband and father I'm going to be, but I'll do my best."

"You're a damn fine husband," she said, holding him close. "The best."

"Rebecca?" He kissed the top of her head, then her nose. "You're far too innocent to swear."

"I was trying to relate to you on your level." In the moonlight, he saw her smile.

"I love you," he said again.

Her smile broadened. "I'll never get tired of hearing those words. The way you've fought me on this, you'd think I was asking for blood. It's not so hard, is it?"

"No," he answered, lowering his mouth to hers. Now that he believed, loving her, being loved by her, was going to be the easiest thing he'd ever done.

Epilogue

«
^

T
he church was filled with white roses and sunlight. The sounds of laughter and happiness stretched up to the arched ceiling of the old building. Rebecca stood at the altar, with her husband at her side. Her two sisters, her parents and Elizabeth stood on her left. Travis and his brothers stood on
Austin
's right. In front of them, the minister cradled their newborn son.

As the Reverend Johnson touched the holy water to the baby's forehead and proclaimed him to be christened Austin Jason Lucas –
Austin
after his father, Jason after his mother's father – Rebecca had to fight back her tears. She sniffed softly.
Austin
reached for her hand and squeezed it.