MEMORIAM (19 page)

“At least let me give you a muscle relaxer. I can run over to the healing center and pick one up and then meet you in the hunters’ quarters.”

“Fine.” I got to my feet and stepped off the lift, watching Sam take off down the hall towards the centicular.

Sam was back within minutes. He followed me down the various halls until we reached my hallway. It was weird having Sam with me. We had always spent time in his room, never in mine. I stopped and opened the door. Sam shut it after he stepped through. I sat down at the end of my bed in relief and started stripping down so that I was sitting in my undershirt, my jumpsuit tied around my waist. Sam still stood gazing at my room.

“What?”

“Your room is huge.”

I chuckled. “Oh, that.” Sam came over to the bed and pulled a small bottle out of his pocket. “Here.”

He held out his hand to reveal a small pill. When I finished swallowing it he moved closer and entwined his fingers in mine. His thumb grazing the palm of my hand. I felt my heartbeat race. His fingers began to glide over the tips of my fingers, sliding back into my hand again. Sam’s eyes met my lips. I leaned in closer, my heart in my throat. The fear was still there, but longing was overtaking it. I kept glancing from his lips to his deep blue eyes. My forehead pressed against his and I closed my eyes, breathing deeply. Sam’s lips brushed against mine and I pulled back, my eyelids fluttering.

Sam’s hand slipped down to my ribcage, the other one slithering up to my neck. Our breathing was in sync as we sat there, our heads connected. Our bodies moved closer together. Sam brushed his lips against mine again. This time I didn’t pull away.

CHAPTER TEN

He was harsh and aggressive as the seconds increased to minutes. He pulled away.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I breathed.

He ran a hand down my neck and along my collarbone. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this.” He took my neck and pulled me in. I parted my lips, letting my jagged breath pass through to him. A magnetic pulse ran from my head down to my toes, electrifying my heart. I pushed myself further into Sam, his hands pulling me closer. My arms tingled at his touch. His grip tightened and he ran his hand up my back, lingering at the straps of my undershirt.

I moved closer to Sam, getting on my knees. I gripped his hair in my hands, my lips moving faster. My hand travelled down his neck and lingered at his collarbone where his jumpsuit was. I undid the top button and let my hand slide down onto his chest. Sam’s other hand found mine and I wrapped my fingers around his. I pulled away and let out a breath of air. Sam leaned in again, his hand pulling at my undershirt strap. I pushed my hand against his chest.

“Sam…” I moaned.

He pulled me in and grazed my lips again. I wanted to give in completely, but my mind kept screaming at me. A flash of me pounding on the healer doors with Sam on the other side, smiling at me. Our lips parted and I ran wild, our bodies melting into one another. The Head’s beady eyes found mine.
Your secrets were never yours to begin with
. I flinched, pulling back from Sam.

“I love you,” he mumbled.

He pulled at my bare waist but I let go and pushed his hands away so they were in his lap.

“I can’t,” I gasped. My mind was reeling. Sam couldn’t have said he loved me. It was too soon. I wasn’t there yet. I noticed Sam’s bare chest where I had undone several of his buttons. 

“Forgot about that,” I said, pointing at his undone buttons.

Sam ignored my comment. “When you said, ‘I can’t,’ what were you referring to?”

I bit my lip. I pushed my arms through my sleeves and began buttoning my jumpsuit. He sighed and turned away.

“I’m sorry if it’s too soon for you, but that’s how I feel.” I could tell he was trying to hide

his annoyance.

“It’s just this...fear....it keeps coming back.”

“I know.”

My face felt hot. “It’s not something I can control.”

“I said I know.”

“Give me some time.”

Your next training is in five minutes. Report immediately.
I let out a sigh of exasperation.

Sam froze. “What?” My face must have said it all. “You have another mission, don’t you?”

“It’s a training session.”

Sam rubbed his face. “We can talk about this later, I guess.”

“Sam, I want you to know I care, I just- ”

“I get it.” He didn’t sound angry. “I’m not expecting you to say it back right away. I just wanted you to know.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Sam groaned and stood up, buttoning up his jumpsuit and giving me a small wave as he left. I leaned against the wall as I watched him go. My heart was still racing. I couldn’t get the feelings out of my head. I went over to my sink and splashed water on my face, taking a deep breath, then ran my fingers through my hair, fixing it after Sam’s hands had been through it.

I pulled down my tank top and buttoned up my jumpsuit, licking my lips. I could still taste his lips...his tongue. Goosebumps rose up my arms. What was I so afraid of? The answer seemed to be staring me right in the face but I could not put my finger on it. It was hard to shake the feeling that this was a hoax from the beginning and that Sam was using me. If he was, he had a hard time hiding how much he really wanted me.

When it came down to it, the battle I fought was whether I loved him or not. I was sure that if Sam asked me if I loved him that I’d lie and tell him yes, because even though something was missing for me, I didn’t want to hurt him. That ‘something’ was a reference to my hindered memory. There was too much of my past jumbled up inside my head and I couldn’t sort it out with Sam there.

I knew training was going to be even more difficult because of how distracted I was. Trent didn’t seem too happy but kept his mouth shut. He didn’t ask what was on my mind, but maybe he assumed why by the way I tensed up when Sev entered the room. Sev must have seen me but pretended not to notice me when he walked past.

“Vi, did you hear what I said?”

“What?”

“You shouldn’t take too long resting your leg because you’ll lose the muscle. In a week I want you back on that leg, running every morning.”

“Will my leg be healed by then?”

“No.”

“Then why are you making me run?” I was becoming defiant.

“Because that’s your job. Leg sweep,” he yelled, swinging out his leg. I grabbed his leg and twisted it underneath with my left arm, groaning as my bruised shoulder grazed the mat we were practicing on. Vince came over and smiled.

“Shall I tell her another one of your weaknesses, Trent?”

“I’d prefer you not to,” Trent grunted. I had just knocked him to the ground and linked my left arm around Trent’s back.

“We’re doing just fine.”

Vince chuckled. “Go after his ears, Vi. He’ll hate it.”

I grinned. Trent looked ready to punch Vince. Vince laughed and walked over to a mechanical runner and got on. I eyed him as he ran. I thought back to Vince telling me about his family and his daughter. It made me sad to think of how much he’d lost. I knew he was aging. If the Pax weren’t freed soon he’d end up dying in the base.

Trent hit the mat and I let go.

“Can we call it quits for now?” I panted, walking over to the edge of the mat and picking up a canteen of water. Trent wiped his forehead.

“Yes. I’d finish up with some cardio if I were you.”

I gave him a sarcastic salute then made my way over to Vince. I got on the mechanical runner next to him.

“So?” Vince asked, staring straight ahead. “Was I right about the ears?”

“That’s not what I came over to talk to you about. I have something else: a proposition of sorts.” At this point in the game it was dangerous to let anyone else in on our plan, but we needed the help, and Vince was knowledgeable. I also believed that he deserved to get out.

“Yes?”

“I want you to run away with me.”

“Why would I do that?”

“What do you mean, why? So you can get out of here. You’re important to me. You deserve better.”

“I am flattered, but it is impossible to get out.”

“No it’s not. At least consider, Vince. It’s only a matter of time before they take you.”

Vince didn’t say anything.

“Don’t you want to live the rest of your life in peace? With friends and whatever family you have left?”

“I can’t, Vi. They are gone.”

“You don’t know that
all
of them are gone. What about your brothers and sisters? They could be hiding in another rector. What if they are waiting for you?” I stopped the machine, catching my breath. I stood up properly and leaned over to Vince. His earthy brown eyes had grown to be so warm and comforting to me. “I know that you miss your family, whether they are dead or not. You can’t give up this easily. Think of your daughter.”

Vince turned his head ever so slightly. I wanted Vince to say yes. I wished he already had.

“Vi, you know how you have said in the past that you wonder about Sev and why he is the way he is?”

It wasn’t the response I was expecting. “Yes?”

“There are some things I have not told you about him. I was here when Sev was first brought into the base. He was a lot like you: strong-willed and stubborn. He was chosen to be a hunter, but he fought against it. He did everything in his power to make hunts go awry, setting prisoners free and attempting to take down the Head.”

“What happened?”

“The Head took Sev’s older brother.”

My throat closed up. I did not want to know the answer, but I had to. “Did the Head kill him?”

“No, he made Sev do it. He then proceeded to torture Sev to the point where Sev couldn’t remember what happened. I think Sev has moments where he remembers the truth, but he’s past the point of comprehending what really happened.”

My mouth was dry. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Vi, there’s something else you should know. The program they used to mentally disable Sev is the same one they used on you. Memoriam isn’t what they say it is.”

I almost tripped on the running machine. I’d never heard anyone tell me I was becoming mentally disabled. Sam and Vince had hinted at the fact that some of my memories were missing, but even Sam admitted to not knowing what had happened to me. We never talked about it.

Vince continued. “I personally believe that although some people, like you and Sev, have been forced to forget specific memories, your emotions are still there. Things trigger those emotions, and something keeps triggering Sev’s. Perhaps his trigger is you because he sees what’s happening to you and is remembering what the Head did to him.”

Sev was on the rock wall, his back to me. He was like me? Did that mean I was going to go crazy and turn into a killing monster like him?

“He’s not a monster, Vi. Just like you are not one,” Vince said. “Maybe I should have told you this from the beginning, but I wanted you to figure things out for yourself. You have to understand that humans are pieced together by memories that form images and stories. We live off of our memories. Every touch, every sound, even scenery triggers a past memory.”

“What are you getting at?”

“You may think that you’ve figured out who you are and what you want, but there are things the base took from you – memories. When you don’t have those, you have nothing. If I had told you this when you first became a hunter, you would have spiraled. I’ve seen that happen to other hunters and it’s not pretty.”

“How long have you known?”

“Back when we first met when I asked if you remembered me and you asked if you should have.”

“Were we friends before I became a hunter?”

“No. I’d only met you once before, but that was enough to confirm my suspicions. I don’t know what’s missing or why, but I will say this: the Head would never waste his time erasing minor details. I could be wrong about all of this, but I wasn’t wrong about Sev.”

“I just can’t…it does not seem possible.” Yet it made complete sense in my head. Sam had mentioned that my memories had been tampered with. I never thought the Head capable of such a thing. “I don’t even know what to say.” I glanced over at Sev. There was no scar that I could see on the back of his neck like there was on mine. Did he see glimpses of his forgotten past in Memoriam, too? Did he see himself killing his own brother?

“I don’t get it, though. If Memoriam is a program designed to mentally destroy me then why does every hunter undergo sessions?”

“They don’t. Typically a hunter has one or two sessions during his emotional and mental training, but they stop after that.”

I wanted to scream but kept my mouth shut. I’d been undergoing Memoriam sessions for weeks now. “So every time I go to a Memoriam session I lose pieces of my mind?”

“Yes. I’m sorry,” Vince said.

I thought back to when I went to the prison with Sam and ran into Sev tormenting that innocent woman, asking about his brother. It made sense now. Sev must not have been able to remember what happened to his brother most of the time.

My mind was reeling. The truth wasn’t that I was suppressing memories of my family or past life, but that they were taken from me. What memories were real and which ones were fake? I began to doubt everything I remembered. What was so secret that the Head went to that much trouble to erase my memories? 

“Violet?”

I snapped my gaze back to Vince.

“I’m sorry if what I told you hurts, but I feel it’s in your best interest to know.”

“It makes me second guess everything I’ve ever known or believed in.”

“The thing I’ve learned throughout life is to always believe in yourself. Trust yourself.”

I sniffed and dabbed my eyes. “God,” I huffed.

“I want to help you, Vi. I hate to see you struggle, so if escaping will help you then I am happy to help.”

“So your answer is yes?”

“I’d said I’d help. I never said I’d escape with you. Dreams come at a cost, you see.”

It wasn’t the answer I expected out of Vince. After all this time, I had always thought he would be supportive of escaping. I was wrong.

“What happened to believing in yourself?”

He smiled wryly at me. “I’m not as strong as you think. That does not mean you need to give up hope just because I have none.”