MEMORIAM (14 page)

***

“You want to know something?”

I lay across the backseat of a cop, an intoxicator wedged between my teeth and a huge bandage as thick as my arm wrapped around my thigh. Vince had stayed behind with me after what happened while the others went back to the base. He signaled for a cop to pick us up and now we were flying back. Vince was cross-legged on the floor with my hand in his.

“I’m not as brave as you think I am.”

I avoided his gaze and stared at the ceiling. It was hard to remember what happened. No matter how much I was in denial of who shot the girl, the truth was that it was me. It didn’t matter that it was an accident because she was in the crossfire. She was dead and it was my fault. Vince sighed.

“I...I watched my daughter get murdered in front of me. I just stood there.” Vince’s hand shook. Tears streamed down his face. “I’ve let a lot of people die in my place. I never stood up for them like you did.” He let go of my hand. “I should have fought for my daughter.” His nose touched my forehead as he pressed his lips against my cheek. I shut my eyes and tried to ignore the guilt that consumed me.

“Guilt has the power to control our lives, Violet. It’s the most dangerous weapon someone can use against you. Guilt and shame. It’s what the Head is using against all of us. If you do not forgive yourself and move on from the dark moments in your past then you are going to end up like me, old and alone. It is vital that you forgive yourself. Don’t let the Head ruin your chances of living a happy life.”

I wanted to say something, anything, but it hurt too much. The pain in my leg spread as minutes passed. I held back some choice words as I was moved onto a stretcher after the cop landed, and remained silent as I was wheeled into the base. Guilt and anxiety plagued me. That little girl would haunt me more than the woman. She didn’t pose a threat. She did nothing to deserve that. The idea of forgiving myself for committing such an act seemed impossible.

“Violet, keep your eyes open.”

“I don’t w-want to,” My eyelids were heavy and my head was a rock, pleading with me to let it sleep.

“We’re almost here. Hold on.”

The small girl’s body formed in a stretcher formed next to mine. I screamed and tried to move away from her. Hands were shoving me back down and another hand, warm and strong, cupped the side of my face.

“Vi, it’s okay. It’s me.” Sam’s face came into view.

“Sam?” I reached my hand out.

“What happened to her?”

Vince sounded tense. “She...”

“Vince, we’re losing her. She’s slipping into unconsciousness. I need you to tell me now.”

“She needs to rest.”

“No, her mind is shoving her past sleep. It’s entering a comatose state. If the pain is too much her body will shut down. I need fourteen and seventy-eight and a pile of clean bandages. She is going to need stitches. Bronte, I need you to sterilize a needle for me and find some string. Get a pair of pincers, too. The bullet needs to be removed.”

My throat stung. It was too hot in here. I clawed at my jumpsuit.

Sam pushed my hand back down to my side. “I need you to open your mouth.”

I parted my lips. Something cold hit my tongue. It burned my throat when I swallowed. My muscles loosened and I blinked several times. Sam’s face was clearer now even though it was still hard to see through my puffy eyes and swollen face. His brow was furrowed, like he was concentrating. A face mask was strung around his neck.

“Sev shot her. Right before she...killed.”

I wished so badly Vince hadn’t said those last words. I felt Sam’s eyes on me and guilt swelled in my chest. He must have been disgusted. I was. An innocent child had been murdered.

***

Vince eventually left. I never actually saw him leave, but when I was conscious again Vince was not there, only Sam. My uniform had to be torn to access the wound so my leg was exposed while Sam wrapped it with gauze. I hated needles and blood so I stared at the ceiling as Sam finished. Soon I stopped paying attention. My mind wandered to the young boy whose face I had seen countless times now. Who was he?

Sam finished and pulled up a chair next to me, and clasped his hands together. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Vince said you were shot.”

Those blue eyes were so scared. Not Sam’s, but the girl’s. A strangled sob rose in my throat. I covered my mouth, my whole body shaking.

“Vi-”

More sobs erupted. My shoulders shook as the tears fell. I covered my face. I didn’t want Sam to see me like this - broken. Sam got up sat down next to me on the bed, hugging me to his chest.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I can’t...” I croaked.

“Ssh, catch your breath.”

“I c-can’t do this. It’s too much. I just keep picturing her in my head...why did I do it? The Head keeps showing up in my nightmares, trying to kill me. I can’t get him out of my mind.”

“We are going escape, Vi, and you’ll be away from the Head; away from everything. What happened is not your fault.”

Sam’s shoulder was stained from my tears. “I got you all wet.”

He chuckled, his eyes glistening. “You think I really care about that? I’d hope you knew me better than that.”

I wished I did. The way I could see hope in his eyes – it was addicting, if that was the right word to use. The dangers of falling for him put myself and my freedom in jeopardy, but there was another part of me that wanted to know his hands, his eyes, his lips.

It was that quiet night, only Sam and I in the healing center, when I let him in. I told him everything that had happened at the Head’s mansion. Not even Vince knew all the details. He didn’t act disgusted when I told him about the woman and I locked in that room together, or when I told him about tonight. He looked me right in the eye. I felt scared, like every organ was squirming under his microscopic eye. He could see all of me, yet he stayed. That’s when I knew that no matter how much I was in denial or made excuses, I wanted him to be mine. Somewhere in this body my gut told me to be vulnerable, because there was still a chance Sam could fall for me, too.

CHAPTER SEVEN

When I was released from the healing center, I was put on the back burner as a hunter. Even my training, though difficult, wasn’t as extraneous when compared to what it was in the past. With more free time because of my injuries, I took time to explore the weaponry.

After a particularly grueling session of Memoriam in which I saw the little girl I killed weeks earlier, I stuck around and explored a few of the rooms. Many of them were filled with weapons, but the biggest room was over where the magnuses and cops were stored, branching off from the cavern. Rows upon rows of hand guns, klaves, axel fire arms, escape chutes, rocket launchers, and other gadgets lined the walls. Many looked like prototypes for future weapons, but it didn’t matter. All we needed were weapons to give our small rebellion a start.

When I passed on the news of my findings, Sam seemed impressed, but Mary was not. She still gave me a hard time; I felt resentment from her because of my friendship with Sam. It was undeniable that our friendship deepened after that night in the healing center. Mary never mentioned it, but I was sure Sam told her about it.

Mary focused on learning about the force fields and defense systems set up around the base, especially the systems set up in the tunnel leading to the prison. Sam’s job was to map out the weaponry and prison. We left no stones unturned. I wanted to choose a date to escape, but that seemed too impossible, so I let it be. Sam told me that it would just happen, that one day we would wake up and know it was
the day,
but I needed more than that.

As the weather improved, I began regular training again. My leg had improved, so Trent moved me on to climbing. Once, I made it halfway, only to lose my grip and fall. Luckily I didn’t hurt myself (Sam was going nuts from how much I had been injured in the past month), but I made sure to glare at Trent who had misdirected me, causing me to fall. Vince had the nerve to shoot a rock at Trent’s leg when he was scaling the wall – it was a bruise I was sure would be blamed on me. When Trent asked why I was laughing I told him I accidentally snorted up climbing dust.

When I wasn’t training, I planned out how I was going to steal the weapons. There was plenty of time to snoop, but stealing weapons was a different story. If I was caught, I would be killed immediately; stealing was one of the highest offenses. But sooner or later we would need the weapons. I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I wore my hunter jacket and military boots down to the weaponry. It would be less suspicious if I hid the weapons in my clothes instead of my pack. The lift smelled of mildew and dust when I got on. When the doors opened up to the weaponry I headed straight for the weapons storeroom.

My heart quickened as I ran between magnuses and cops. I did one last surveillance of the empty cavern before sliding open the door to the weapons vault and shutting it behind me.

The room was empty. Aisles stretched across the room, stacked with weapons. I began shoving weapons down my jumpsuit, pockets, and shoes. My pockets bulged with gear: guns, hand grenades, emergency food packets, and lighters. A loud clatter coming from outside the room startled me. I had lingered too long. I gave the room one last glance before opening the door and shutting it behind me.

My hands were clammy as I rushed over to the lift, waiting for the doors to open.

“Come on,” I said to myself.

The doors
dinged.

“Trent!”

Trent was standing in the lift with a confused look on his face. “Where are you coming from?”

My cheeks turned red. Could he tell that I was hiding hand guns in my pockets?

“Uh, a mission. I was just heading back to my quarters.”

“Where are the others?”

“I had to get a few things replaced in my pack so they went ahead.” The lie slipped off my tongue.

“I didn’t see them get off upstairs.”

If he didn’t believe me then I was going to get caught.

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

Trent stepped out of the lift. “I must not have been paying attention.”

Right as he passed me a hand gun fell out of my sleeve. Trent froze. My eyes widened and I let a choice word slip out. He picked up the hand gun.

“Why do you have a hand gun? You know the rules about new hunters.”

All I could manage was a swallow.

“Save it for the skryers. Whatever you’re up to is obviously dangerous and against the rules. You’d do well to remember not to be so
careless.
” He thrust the gun into my stomach.

“Trent, it’s not what you think.”

“Let’s hope so. I’d hate to see someone throw their life away so irresponsibly.” He turned and strode away, heading down the hallway leading off of the cavern. My heart hammered in my throat. Would Trent turn me in?

I got in the lift and sighed. At our last meeting, Mary had mentioned a hiding place she found in the laundry division. She promised to meet me here after her shift so all I needed to do now was find her so I could hide the weapons.

The doors opened to the laundry division and a musty smell greeted my nose. Mary had told me she would be waiting at the entrance. A klave was poking my foot at an uncomfortable angle in my boot so each movement was extremely uncomfortable. The division was unusually quiet. There were no workers yelling over the sound of sloshing water, or the subtle whir of machines running.

“Hello?” I called out. “Mary?”

No response. I didn’t know what to do. There was no way I would be able to make it all the way to my room without being spotted by a skryer, and the healing center was too far. I was already on edge from my run-in with Trent. If Mary had set me up I was going to kill her. It put our whole plan at risk, not just me.

I began walking past aisles of laundry pallets and lines meant for clothes. The laundry division was completely empty. Somewhere there was a loose tap:
plop, plop, plop.

Where is everyone?

I let out a yelp when someone grabbed my shoulder. Mary was standing behind me.

“Why the hell do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” she spat.

“I wasn’t sure you were coming.”

“I need you. Sam’s hurt.”

“What? Is he okay?” 

“He’s in bad shape. The skryers- ”  Her voice broke. Mary’s arrogant, negative attitude was gone and replaced with fear. I’d never seen her like this.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“In his room. I think you should go to him.”

“Of course. We need to hide these weapons first, though.”

“Leave it to me. You go on ahead.”

“You sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.”

“Just checking.” I quickly began pulling klaves and handguns out of my pockets, emptying my boots and my sleeves of the goods I’d stolen.

“Pretty good raid,” Mary said.

I was surprised Mary was complimenting me. It was so out-of-character for her.

“Thanks?”

I finished emptying my jumpsuit then got on the lift, watching Mary picking up the handguns as the doors shut.

“Good luck. You’ll need it,” she said.

Exactly how bad was Sam? It was possible that a skryer attacked him, but that would mean they caught Sam breaking the rules. If Mary was this shaken it couldn’t be good.

I jogged through the centicular, glancing around for the right exit that led to the tubes. Within minutes I’d found it and rushed outside, squinting through the downpour of rain as I sloshed through the mud towards the tubes. I squeezed past two older women who stood at the entrance of Sam’s tube and ducked my head as I stepped inside, moving down the hall. It was easy to remember which room was his. I’d been to it countless times.

My eyes widened when I opened the door and saw Sam sprawled face down on his bed, his body limp.

“Sam?” I rolled him over and cringed when I saw his neck. Deep purple and carmine bruises covered his neck, and one of his eyes was swollen, turning a blue-violet. His chest barely moved.

“Sam? Can you hear me?” My eyes stung as I ran my fingers across his bruises. He needed medicine. I wasn’t sure if Sam kept some hidden in his room but it seemed like something he’d do.