MEMORIAM (5 page)

For some reason it made me feel better to hear that his appearance wasn’t due to someone else.

“So how’d your first day go?” Sam asked. “I’m guessing bad if you ended up on the opposite end of the base from the training center with your head in your hands.”

I shrugged.

“I wasn’t expecting much further of an explanation than the shoulder shrug.” The sarcasm in his voice was prominent.

“Oh yeah?” I asked.

He nodded. “Shoulder shrugs say everything. I mean, think of all the people who respond that way – with a shoulder shrug.”

I smiled. “My day was okay. That’s what I meant by the shoulder shrug.”

“Good to know. So what
are
you doing on this end of the base? You wouldn’t be lost, by chance?”

“I
was
trying to find my way back to my room, but…you know…all plans go to hell when you attempt such a thing.”

“Obviously.”

“So here I am.” I motioned to the hallway. “You wouldn’t happen to know your way to the hunters’ living quarters, would you?”

“I do, actually.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Would you mind?”

“Course not.”

Sam was friendly as we walked, making small conversation about the weather and what our assignments were like. Sam mostly talked about his job as a healer. It was the only thing you could talk about when you didn’t feel like opening up quite yet. You wanted to test the waters first.

As soon as we passed through the centicular and entered a new hallway, things became familiar.

“Thanks for showing me back to my room. You didn’t have to.”

He shrugged and I chuckled, knowing he was mocking me from our previous conversation.

“So what was life for you like before the base?” he asked.

“Different. Before the Head was in charge I was getting ready to move to Stoclo permanently.”

“To continue your schooling?”

“I wasn’t sure yet.”

Sam chuckled. “You were just moving to move?”

“I figured that if I moved to Stoclo then I’d eventually get some inspired idea of what to do with my life. What about you?”

“I was living in Stoclo as a student with six months left before graduation.”

“You never finished?” I asked.

“Never had the chance.”

We reached the entrance to the hunters’ quarters. It was deja vu from this morning when Sam had shown me to my quarters.

“I’m sorry you’re a hunter, Violet.” There was a sadness in his eyes that told me he meant it. There was an inner battle in my mind on whether I wanted to trust him or not.

“It is what it is.”

“It won’t be like this forever,” Sam said.

“I hope so.” I cleared my throat. “Thanks for helping me find my room
again
.”

“Anytime.”

“I’ll see you around, then?”

“I don’t think I’ll be leaving any time soon,” Sam joked.

“‘Kay. Goodnight, Sam.”           

“Goodnight.”

***

I soon fell into the pattern of a hunter. Every morning I’d wake up and bathe. I was grateful for having my own bathing station. Back in the tubes there were communal bathing stations that everyone shared. More often than not the stations were out of water by the time I got to them so I’d have to wait weeks before bathing myself.

Once I left my room I went to the hunter’s eating facility to grab breakfast before reporting to the training room. Trent kept me busy from dawn until dusk, when I hit the bed like a rock and fell right to sleep.

After one particularly grueling session with Trent I decided to stop by the healing center. I was curious about the healer, Sam, since I hadn’t seen him in a few days. The healing center was empty, except for a patient at the end of the room who Bronte was tending to.

“Violet, what brings you in?” Bronte asked.

“I was looking for a healer.”

“Sam?”

“Yeah. Have you seen him?”

“He’s on his break, but you can wait for him if you want.”

“No, that’s okay. Tell him I stopped by, would you?”

“You really should wait until he comes back. He’ll be here any minute.”

“Okay.”

Bronte finished up with her patient then went over to her desk and activated her memory disc. I couldn’t help but notice my name flash on the screen before vanishing. It must have been my records from my head injury. I wondered what had been written about the accident since Bronte didn’t tell me much.

She closed the disc and went into one of the side rooms, eyeing me as she closed the door. Curiosity got the best of me. I crossed the room over to Bronte’s disc and glided my hand over it, waiting for it to light up. It turned on and I started sliding my finger through the air, sorting through past documents until my eyes settled on my own name.

Violet Hansen

Brain injury. Recovery status complete. Memory loss evident.

Memory loss evident? No one had told me I suffered memory loss. I wanted to keep reading but I heard a voice behind me that made me jump.

“Hey.”

I closed the memory disc and turned around, seeing Sam walking down the aisle between the beds. I smiled when I saw him, trying to hide the guilt that showed on my face.

“Hi,” I said. “Long time no see, or so the phrase goes.” I made sure to step away from Bronte’s desk as I spoke.

“What are you doing here?”

“I hadn’t seen you in a while so I thought I’d stop by.” It was the truth, minus the part where I was snooping.

“Nice. How’ve you been?”

“Training mostly,”

“Right.” 

“How about you? How is the healing center?”

Sam shrugged. “Same as it’s always been.”

“Busy?” I asked.

“Not really. We’re getting less patients but I don’t necessarily think that’s a good sign.”

“You mean more people are dying. It’s too much sometimes, you know? All of this. Imprisonment.”

“I will admit that I do not envy you.”

I chuckled. “I wouldn’t want you to. I already told you that I’ll be okay, though.”

“That’s some positive shit you’ve got going on.”

“What can I say? I’m full of it.”

Sam laughed. I laughed, too. Talking with Sam made me want to forget about what I’d seen on Bronte’s memory disc. It felt good to laugh.

There was an old man I used to know back in the tubes who people referred to as a ‘spirit doctor.’ If you had an illness or ailment you went to him for guidance and he would tell you what you needed to heal yourself. I went to him once and he told me I was full of sadness.
“In order to release that sadness you need to replace it with joy. Replace those tears with tears of happiness. Don’t dwell on the past, the memories will never replace the people. Focus on the present and what you can to shape it into your desired future.

***

It was past midnight the next time I ran into Sam. I was on my way back from training and had gone through my first round in the fear-induced simulation box. Trent thought I was ready but I hardly lasted thirty seconds. When I stepped into the box I suddenly felt alone. It was like I couldn’t breathe. Instead of taking slow and steady breaths I was panting. There was hardly any oxygen. I became light-headed. Screams belonging to a small child abruptly went off making me lose control, begging to be let out, banging on the box. I threw myself against the sides, yelling as the screams grew. 

My forehead was still sweating when I left the training room and headed back to my room. I rounded a corner and ran into Sam.

“Sam!”

“What are you doing out so late? It’s past curfew.”

“Training.”

“How’s it been going?”

“It’s harder than I thought.”

“Which part?”

I swallowed. “All of it.”

“I am sure you have some spirit guru that you’d usually converse with, but my offer still stands if you want to talk.”

I smiled and shook my head. “I don’t-don’t really want to talk about it just yet,” I said.

“Oh.” Sam dropped his gaze.

“But…can I stay with you right now?”

“Yeah. Absolutely.”

It was eerie going through the base at night when everyone was in their rooms. It made me wonder what this base would be like if it were empty, rid of innocent people and cameras who watched their every move. Sam passed through the centicular and headed outside towards the tubes.

“Wait, you live in the tubes?”

“Yeah. You sound surprised.”

“I thought healers lived in the dome.”

Sam shook his head. “We’re treated same as everyone else. Well, almost.”

He stopped halfway between a row of tubes and slid open the door, ducking his head as he stepped inside and headed down a narrow hallway that had fogged screens on either side.

“Mine’s just up here…it’s not much but…” He stopped in front of a door and scanned his neck. The door opened. His room was a smaller replica of mine, but I didn’t mind in the slightest. I sat down at the end of Sam’s bed and curled up in a ball.

“Thanks for doing this. I don’t want to be alone after the simulation I went through.”

“So what scared you about the simulation?”

The scream replayed itself in my ears. I took a deep breath and leaned my head back.           “They know what psychologically disturbs me. I don’t even know how they know, but they do.”

Sam sat down next to me. “What do you mean?”

“It’s one of the training routines – a fear-induced simulation. I got inside and all of a sudden I felt this…loneliness, like I was completely and utterly alone. The air became really thin and it was hard to breathe. I thought I was going to faint. That’s when I started hearing the blood curdling screams. They were screams that belonged to a child.” I sniffed and wiped my nose. “It frustrates me that I can’t control my emotions better.”

“It’s wrong, Vi. All of it. What they’re doing to you is inhumane. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” I sighed. “I don’t understand why the Trux are doing this. They treat us like animals, and worse than that, expect us to act like them, too.”

“Have you thought about it?”

I caught Sam’s gaze. I knew what he was talking about. He was referring to killing. The actual act of doing it. I had, of course. Almost every night since I had become a hunter I lay in bed at night thinking about it. It haunted my dreams and when each morning came my stomach squirmed because I knew I was one step closer to becoming a murderer.

Trent told me the program lasted three weeks. Three weeks of intense training, the first two weeks devoted to network devising and physical training. The third week was emotional. After dealing with the fear-induced simulation I could only assume the third week was going to be the most difficult. Trent also mentioned something called Memoriam which I was due for. I didn’t like the sound of any of this. It was too easy for the base to cart me around. It could shape me to be anything it wanted me to be.

“I have,” I replied. I fiddled with a loose string on the bed sheet. “There’s no way around it.”

“I want you to know I would never judge you, Vi. I won’t even after you start hunting. I know it’s not your choice.”

Sam’s words meant more than he probably knew. I gripped my arms, trying to hold back the anxiety that overwhelmed me. “I don’t know why you wouldn’t judge me. Everyone else will.”

“It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks.”

“It matters what I think, though,” I said.

“You really think you’re a killer?”

“I don’t know what I am. Sometimes I think I’ve gone bad and lost the compassion I used to have for others.”

Sam wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. “Everyone has a choice, Vi. We’ve always had a choice. The Head wants us to change who we are.” His eyes glazed over the faint white Pax tattoo on my wrist. “No one can take away who you are. Not permanently.”

“You’re pretty good at speeches.”

Sam chuckled. “Yeah right.”

“I mean it.”

We both fell silent. I listened to the hum of the electrical current running through the walls and the occasional
whoosh
of a door opening and closing. I closed my eyes and the words
memory loss evident
appeared. Were there certain things I couldn’t remember?

“Sam?”

“Yes?”

“How long have you been in here?”

“Almost eight months.”

“That’s a long time to be in a place like this.”

“The times passes more easily when I have people to pass it with. You know, people like you.” He glanced over at me. “I consider you a close friend.”

“Okay, we haven’t known each other
that
long,” I joked.

“Long enough -” Sam cut me off, “- that I trust you.”

I smiled. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” I yawned. “I’m tired.”

“You can sleep here if you want. I mean, only if you want.”

“Why not?”

“Yeah?” He tossed the blanket next to him over to me. “You’ll need this then.”

“Are you sure it’s all right?”

“It’s fine. You can take the bed.” He stood up and lifted up the edge of the mattress, pulling out a second blanket.

“You’re a rebel.”

“I don’t consider stealing an extra blanket a direct translation into rebel.”

I threw the blanket over me and lay down, staring up at the ceiling. So much ran through my head. My wrist was almost healed. The blistered ‘H’ on it was now a darker brown with a tiny crusty shell over it.

“How's your wrist doing?”

“It’s almost healed.” I let my arm fall back down at my side. “I’m probably going to have this mark for the rest of my life.”

“There are surgeons out there who can remove it.”

“I hope so.”

Sam’s figure morphed into the darkness. He ended up falling asleep before me. Watching the darkness and thinking of Sam gave me this weird feeling, listening to him breathe in and out, like I’d known him before. I sat against the metal wall, watching him. His eyelids fluttered then relaxed again. The most striking feature about Sam that caught me off guard were his deep blue eyes, because I’d never seen blue eyes like his. It was like staring into a galaxy of stars that saw not only who I was, but who I wanted to be.

I wondered if Sam was going to hold to his promise to refrain from judgement after I became a hunter. It crossed my mind that cutting ties with him before I became a hunter might be easier than never knowing what he truly thought of me. The idea of someone knowing I was a murderer made me sick. Most nights I stayed up thinking about that, and then I’d go to sleep having nightmares.