MEMORIAM (10 page)

Next to enter the room was Malina. She wore a skin-like gown that hugged her willowy frame.

“Where is Zanna?” she asked.

“I thought she was coming with you,” Vince replied sternly.

“Sev told me she was going with you,” Malina replied.

There was a faint scream.

“That can’t be Zanna...can it?”

Vince was frozen. The Head had just entered the room and had a leering smile on his face.

“Is something the matter?”

No one said anything.

“Sit down,” the Head ordered. Malina instantly sat down in the chair across from Sev furthest away from the Head. That left two empty chairs, one on either side of the Head. Vince eyed me and nodded, so I followed his lead and sat down across from him, trying to ignore the Head as I rested my napkin on my lap. I didn’t have a choice with all of this. We hunters were the Head’s puppets.

I took a sip of water and exhaled shakily. Sev dug into the food first. I followed his lead, grabbing a scoop of sea urchin jelly and putting it on my plate. Malina took her time as she decided and settled on a small portion of roasted cod. I noticed the Head smacking his lips as he bit into a strawberry, letting the juice dribble down his wrinkled chin and into his collar.

“You do not like the food?” the Head asked me.

“No, I’m just not very hungry.” My voice went quiet near the end of my sentence.

He leaned in and narrowed his eyes. “I don’t believe you.”

A knife clattered against a plate. There was a small cough. I kept my eyes on the Head.        “I’m not lying. Pax don’t lie.” The image of the Trux symbol with the open hand over heart, symbolizing honesty, crossed my mind. “Where is Zanna?”

“That does not matter. What matters is that you are here.” His hand slid across the table and touched mine. I cringed and pulled my hand back.

“STOP IT!” he yelled. I froze. Vince reached out his arm to block me but the Head whipped up the carving knife resting in front of him and pointed it at Vince.           

“Don’t you dare.”

Vince retracted his arm.

“You want to know where your friend is? She is going through....a test of sorts. Just like you will.”

There was another faint scream.

“You Pax get what you deserve.” He threw his napkin on the table.

My skin boiled. He didn’t even look at us humans, did he? He saw us as animals, easily disposed of.

The Head stood up. “Thank you for coming. A pleasure, as always.”

He didn’t look like he enjoyed himself one bit. I was still uneasy but nevertheless relieved that the meal was over. Vince came around and clasped my hand, letting out a long exhale in my ear.

“Thank God you’re alive.”

“I didn’t ask you to leave, Violet.”

My heart dropped. Vince turned white as a sheet. He started pulling me away.

“What’s happening?”

“He can’t do this. Not now,” Vince growled.

“What are you talking about?”

“Bring her here, Vincent.”

“She doesn’t deserve this. She’ll go on her first hunt tomorrow.”

“Bring. Her. To. Me.”

“I’m so sorry,” Vince let go of me and the Head strode across the room, took my arm, and yanked me away.

“Where is he taking me?”

“Your first kill.” Vince’s voice was solemn.

I couldn’t do it now. Not now. I needed more time. That’s what seemed to be the solution to everything, but even if I had more time maybe I couldn’t do it then. It was the same problem I face with my memory. I needed more time to figure out what had happened to me.

I was trying to pull myself free of the Head, but when I saw the knife he held in his hand I stopped squirming. The Head held it close to my neck. My whole body was cold and drenched in sweat. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

The lights grew dim the longer we walked down the corridor. There were several doors left shut, though I was sure none of them were for me. My head snapped up when I heard a piercing scream. It was growing louder.
Please don’t let it be for me. Please let those screams be for someone else.

Two Trux guards stood in front of a door ahead. Another scream rang out. Someone was crying – sobbing. I wanted to run but my legs turned to lead. Was this where Zanna was? Was she the one crying, or was it someone else? The Head let go of my arm and jerked me around so I faced him, my back up against the door.

“You think it proud to be a Pax. If you think you will die for your people then you are wrong. You can be the guilty ones who killed your own kind. Let your hands be stained with the blood of your people. Filth like the woman in this room deserve to die and you are going to give her that. She is not to be pitied or comforted. You are to kill her.” He handed me the carving knife and wrapped my hand around it, forcing me to take it.

“She is strong enough to kill you. I’ve made sure of that. The question is, which one of you have more ‘Trux’ to strike first?” He smiled and nodded to one of the guards. The guard opened the door and the other one grabbed me, shoving me inside. I tripped and fell over my dress, hitting the ground with a thud. The door slammed behind me.

Adrenaline coursed through my body. My mind was panicking. It was me or this woman that was going to die in a matter of minutes. Maybe she wouldn’t kill me, though. Together we could show the Head that we weren’t animals like the Trux; however, fear gripped my heart and I knew then that I wasn’t ready to let go of the knife.

The room was quiet. I got to my knees and looked around, my heart pounding. There was a large granite fireplace beside me, framed with an arrangement of red art. Past that was a floor-to-ceiling triangular window where you could see the rain coming down in sheets. That’s when I saw her.

I had seen the woman before. It was the same one who tried to help that man who was being whipped. She had attacked one of the skryers. I knew they had taken her,  but I didn’t know what they would do with her.

Her head was shaved and she had long gashes running down both arms. They looked like my back scars, only mine were thinner. We stood there for a few seconds, facing each other. We were no more enemies than we were sisters. There was something I saw in the woman’s eyes that I recognized because it was the same thing I saw in my own reflection. Confusion. Were her memories tampered with like mine?

I lowered my knife, keeping eye contact. My mouth opened, as if to say something, then shut again. What do you say to someone who’s been tortured? It’ll be okay? I was not going to fool her with the same phrase as I had done to so many. A tear rolled down her cheek. I wanted to break the distance between us and hold her. 

Love was something I knew was necessary for human existence. It broke all boundaries. There were no limits or hesitations with love-it was effortless and unexplainable, like the sunrise I saw each morning when I went outside. It was there, and although it seemed distant at times, I could feel it. I thought of Sam and the way I felt about him. I was so afraid to admit to myself that I was falling for him.

I took a few steps forward, my whole body trembling. She suddenly moved, lunging at me. It wasn’t a truce she wanted. It was death. She grabbed my hair and pulled at it, clawing and scratching. I screamed and tried to shove her away, pushing her face away with my spare hand. My grip tightened around my knife. I wasn’t going to kill her. She needed to know I wasn’t a murderer.

Only then she slammed me against the granite fireplace. A fierce pain like fire, caught flame as my head collided with cold rock. My neck was warm. The woman was now clawing my hand, attempting to take the knife. I raised my arm above her, wincing as she dug her nails into my wrist. Blood sprouted at her fingertips. I threw my head into hers with as much force as I could muster. I couldn’t breathe. My head was spinning. Everything was happening at once. My heartbeat thumped in my ears, echoing all around me. I stumbled, looking around for the woman. Where had she gone?

I needed to get out of here. This woman wasn’t going to listen to me. Blood was trickling down my back now. An image of the red-eyed version of myself flashed in my mind.
No, I am not a killer. I’m not like her.
It was like I was drowning. I couldn’t think straight. Why did part of me want to find her and finish this? It scared me. Suddenly something leaped on me and the woman was up against me.

She ripped the knife out of my hands. I moaned and threw my knee into her back, shoving her back and looking to see where the knife was. All sense of control was numbed. The smell of blood filled my nostrils. My head beat like a drum and my arm stung. The woman hit the ground and flipped over, crawling like a spider over to the bench where the knife lay. I threw myself on top of the woman, my whole body shaking as I shoved past her. She grabbed my ankle and pulled me back. It was too late for her - I had the knife in my hand.

The woman slapped me hard across the cheek. My head jerked to the right and my vision blurred. Something was around my neck. I gasped for air, hitting the ground as I tried to feel around my neck, prying at dry fingers that dug deeper. My eyes bulged out of my head, tears streaming down my face. The ground was moving, the woman’s face spinning. My throat was closing up.

Someone yelled. I had lost all control now; I realized that as I pushed hard against the woman’s chest, throwing all my strength into her. She didn’t budge. I needed air. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. My head thrust against hers again. The woman’s head split open against mine. Her grip loosened.

I scrambled, gripping the knife, blocking out the intense pain in the front of my head. For the first time in my life I thought of death and the sweet stillness that it brought. A large crash pulled me out of my trance. The woman had just broken a large gilded mirror. A large piece of glass was in her hand.

I blinked furiously, trying so hard not to scream out for the sake that I couldn’t control myself. Why was it that I couldn’t just let myself die?
He’s waiting,
a voice said in my head. A small boy appeared in my mind. He had dark curls that rested on his forehead, dark eyes like mine, and freckles.

My body lost all control. I leapt across the room. There was another loud crash as the woman hit the table with me, both of us falling to the ground. My throat was still burning. Her body felt warm next to mine as I thrust the knife into her. She stopped moving. In her chest was my knife. I looked down at my blood-stained hands and let out a sob, scrambling away from her. The red-eyed version of me in my head smiled.

“NO!” I screamed. “NO! That’s not me! That’s not me!”

There was a click and footsteps behind me. I raised my chin and saw the Head above me.

He shook his head. “Killing your own people. What a crime that is.”

I sniffed and covered my mouth, sobs erupting out of my throat. The Head and the two Trux guards let me pass as I took off. I never wanted to see that woman again. Those empty eyes

would haunt me to my grave.

I reached the balcony overlooking the entrance where we first came in and looked around, spotting the hallway that led to our rooms. I ran down the hall blindly, bursting through my bedroom door. Vince was sitting on the edge of my bed. When I blinked and did a double take it was the woman I’d killed minutes earlier. I backed away, stumbling.

I did not get up off the floor. Vince was talking to me, telling me that I had to move. I ignored him. Nothing mattered now. I was a killer.

“Go away. Please just go away.”

“Put your arm around my neck.”

I let out a scream, shaking my head. “NO!” I frantically pointed at the doorway where I saw the woman again. She was running at us. “GET AWAY FROM ME!”

“Vi, it’s me. Calm down. I’m right here, no one else is here. I won’t leave you.”

“No....he’ll find me. The Head will make me do it again.” I shoved my face into the cold floor, shaking my head. “I killed her. I didn’t even blink an eye. I swore to god I would never kill but I lost control...she’s dead.”

“Ssh, ssh, you’re okay.”

“I killed her.”

“It’s not your fault. None of this is. Remember who you are; you are a good person.”

“You don’t know that. I don’t even know that.”

“Yes I do. You want to know how?” He paused, gliding his hand across my forehead.            “Because you are a fighter. You have a kind heart. You care for others in a way the Head will never understand. You are a good person, Violet. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” He bent over and kissed my forehead. My chest was compressed. It was so hard to breathe.

“You won’t remember anything I’ve said after I give you this. It’s probably for the best.”

Vince grabbed my wrists and held them down with one hand as he forced my mouth open. I squirmed, shaking my head. The lights were fading. My mind was like a slideshow, clicking through photographs with the Head popping up in every one. I clutched my throat, thrashing back and forth. The world was fading into darkness. Then something exploded in my mouth, a warm sensation that seemed to melt on my tongue and spread through my body. My shoulders fell and the pain in my chest went away.

***

“Vince? W-what happened? How did I get here?” My body was sweaty and my dress was stuck to every part of me.

“The others are waiting so we need to hurry and get you cleaned up.” Vince pulled me up to a sitting position. “I’ll be right back. I am going to find someone to help you change.”

“Wait.” I held out my hand. The idea of being left alone was more than I could bear. “Don’t leave me here alone.”

“I won’t. I’ll just buzz for assistance.” Vince went over to the door and pressed a button then came back. He sat down and scooped up my hand.    

“How do you feel?”

There were so many other words I could have said. Filthy, used, or sick. “Tired.”

“You’ve been through a lot.”

I looked over at the door when a woman came through with something in her hands. My first reaction was to shield myself, but Vince rested a hand on my leg.

“She won’t hurt you. It’s her healing kit.”

I lowered my arm and let her come closer. Vince got to his feet and let the woman take his place.