MEMORIAM (11 page)

“I’ll be outside waiting for you.”

I wanted him to stay with me, but he was already halfway across the room before I could ask. The woman helped me over to a wash basin and undressed me, running hot water down my back and through my hair. The red water made me sick as it turned darker with every rinse. I hated to think of how much of that dried blood wasn’t mine. Now that my skin was turning back to its normal color, I saw the battle wounds from earlier.

Large slashes ran up my arms, deep and glistening red. The healer helped me dress and combed my hair back into a tight bun and linked my arm in hers. I pulled it away, though.

“I can get to the door by myself, thanks.”

The woman stood back as I opened the door. Vince was standing in the frame with his arms crossed. He came over and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. More tears formed.

There was no security check when we left the Head’s mansion. Not even a goodbye. I was grateful for that. A magnus was waiting for us at the edge of the coastline across the island, along with the rest of my combination.

The sound of Malina gagging reached my ears as I came over to the magnus. She was bent over behind a tree. When she climbed in the magnus she said nothing about the smell of vomit that filled the air. I stuck close to Vince as we sat in silence. Seeing Malina throw up made me wonder how much pain she was actually in. Was the job of a hunter too much for her? Right then I noticed a small scar on Zanna’s hand that disappeared under her jumpsuit. She looked troubled but never spoke. We knew our secrets; it was the curse of a hunter. Knowing but never telling.

***

What happened at the Head’s mansion came back to me in flashes instead of one memory. These flashes hit me randomly. Once when I was eating in the hunters’ facility the day after we got back, and another time when a new hunter came into the training center a week later.

Vince kept a close eye on me. I found myself training with him, listening to his stories of his daughter and beautiful wife, who were from the rector, Alister.

“She captured me with her dancing, you know. Aye yai yai, she drove me crazy.”

I laughed. “Sounds like an enchantress.”

“But you see, all the women in Alister are like that with their luxurious hair and voluptuous hips.” He grinned. “They knew how to make women.”

“So did you two meet in Alister or did you come from another rector?”          

“I moved to Rinfero after my wife left me,” Vince said.

“I’m sorry.”

“She deserved better anyway.”

“I doubt that,” I said.

“I mean it. My daughter should have stayed with her mother instead of coming to Rinfero with me. Aye, but things never turn out the way they should.”

Vince continued telling stories. He talked of eating steamed clams with sausage, and roasted fish with toasted peppers that danced in his mouth. He used to take his daughter out to the coastline and together they would fish for crabs and clams. Apparently Vince’s daughter was a wild child, with her large almond eyes and untamed hair. When I asked him what happened to her he shrugged his shoulders. It seemed as though that was too personal to talk about. I changed the subject at that point.

“There’s the meadow I used to visit where there was nothing but fields of grass. I used to go to the very middle where no one could see me and lie there for hours, soaking up the sun. People called me a sunflower.”

Vince smiled. “I would like to see this meadow.”

“It was beautiful. It’s one of the places my mind wanders to when I can’t handle this.” I waved my finger around us.

“And you go to a young man.”

I felt threatened when he said that. I didn’t want anyone to know about Sam. It already scared me that Stella, the Head’s secretary, was giving me warnings about who I spent my time with. “We’re just friends.” You know you want more than that.

“No point in lying to me, Vi. I’m not the enemy here.” He pointed to his neck to his tracker.

“These are what betray us. Damned if I ever find a way to get mine out,” he said.

“The Head would still know where you were. He knows everything,” I said.

“Don’t give him so much credit.” Vince patted my knee.

“It’s hard not to. He’s taken every part of my life. I can’t see who I want to-“

“What are you talking about?”

I wasn’t sure whether I could trust Vince enough to tell him about the secretary’s warning.

“Some people claim we aren’t allowed to have relationships within the base. Even friendships.”

“It depends on the seriousness of the relationship. I’m sure a simple friendship would not be considered a threat to the Head’s empire.”

Sam and I’s friendship being a threat to the Head was hard to imagine, but it still worried me. It was the biggest reason why I’d been avoiding him since I got back from the Head’s mansion, plus the fact that I had killed. I wanted to avoid relieving that experience as long as I could, and I knew that as soon as Sam saw me I’d go weak at the knees and tell him everything. He had that effect on people. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, though.

Vince was in the same boat as Sam, metaphorically. I wanted to avoid Vince so that I wouldn’t have to talk about my first kill. Despite my efforts he seemed very keen to talk about it. I kept saying I was fine, but I was turning robotic the more I said it. I still hadn’t gone on my first real hunt and the idea loomed over my head. To be honest, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Waking up every day was a battle, and every night was a struggle as I fought through my nightmares of Sam rejecting me. Each time I woke my blanket had entangled me and my body was drenched in sweat.

I still went on my nightly runs in the evening when the sun had already set. It was easier to run at night when others couldn’t see the red band on my arm. They’d always look at me like I was the enemy. The Head was the real enemy. I had to tell myself that or else I drove myself mad.

One dark night, when the moon wasn’t out, I stopped next to the outer wall past the tubes and caught my breath, trying to shake the feeling of someone watching me. It started after I left the Head’s mansion and I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried. My shoulders relaxed as I leaned up against the wall and rubbed my hands together to warm them. Through the darkness I spotted a figure. Instantly my chest swelled like a balloon.

“Mary? Is that you?” I knew that voice. It was Sam’s. I held my breath.

“Mary, it’s me.”

I wanted to call out to him so badly but I couldn’t bring myself to talk. Part of me wished he had called out my name instead of Mary’s. I bit my fist. Was Sam meeting up with Mary again because they’d found a way to escape, or was there something more going on between Sam and Mary’s relationship that I was oblivious to?

All of our past conversations ran through my mind as I stood against the wall, longing for Sam. At this point I didn’t know what to think. 

CHAPTER FIVE

Sam was shaking me, yelling about a fire in my room. I sat up and ripped the blanket off of me, checking to see if my room really was on fire. It must have been a dream. I rubbed my forehead and sighed. Last night after I saw Sam I hit an all-time low. It was after an endless string of nightmares, the last ending with Sam yelling about a fire, that I found myself in Vince’s living quarters in the early hours of the morning, staring at the ceiling.

“I’m surprised to see you here,” Vince said, sitting across from me.

“What do you do when you have feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate them?”

“Are we talking about your friend?”

“I think he’s in love with someone else. It makes sense as to why he never talks about her in front of me.”   

“You’re paranoid, Vi,” Vince said. “All of your emotions have built up since your time at the Head’s mansion. Perhaps you are using your feelings for your friend as an excuse to avoid him?”

I shook my head. “It’s more than that.”

“You can’t hide from him forever. You have to accept what you did.”

“But it wasn’t me. It was a side of me I didn’t know existed.” I felt a dam building up to maximum capacity.

“Most people have many sides to themselves that they don’t understand. It’s normal.”

Across the room through Vince’s small window, past the wall, were trees swaying in the breeze. It was almost as if they were waving at me. I wished I had a window so I could see the trees. 

“You’re right in saying you saw a different side of yourself that day. You had a panic attack when you got back to your room.”

I didn’t remember that at all.
Vince continued. “You weren’t in your right mind. You were screaming and mumbling about the Head and how he was going to come and kill you. You don’t remember any of this, do you?”

I remembered everything leading up to the kill – the woman’s eyes, her dead body next to me – after that my mind went blank.

“Why can’t I remember?”

“Your subconscious chose to hold it at bay. You chose to forget.”

“That’s not possible. I couldn’t have just chosen to forget my past.”

“Whether you did or did not choose to forget your past is beyond the point. You chose to forget your panic attack. You can’t hide from this. You need to face the past.”

“I should go.”

I felt too exposed, like I had shared too much. I got to my feet, running a hand through my hair before I went over to the door and slid it open, leaving Vince alone. He gave me a small wave as I left but I never returned it.

Maybe I was running from my past, but I didn’t know what to do about that. As for running from other things, I knew who I had to talk to. I had been running from Sam since I’d met the Head. At this point Sam deserved to know the truth.

“She’s a hunter.”

“How can you tell?”

“Look at her armband.”

Conversations like that were exchanged as I went through the centicular. My stomach felt uneasy as I stepped through the entrance of the healing center and spotted Sam at the back of the room, examining a memory disk. I lugged myself over, trying to calm my racing heart. He smiled when he saw me. My heart skipped a beat.

“Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in almost two weeks!” He pulled me into a tight hug. “I was worried something had happened to you.” He let go.

“I’ve been meaning to come by, I just…”
…have really strong feelings for you and on top of that I killed someone.
I couldn’t say it out loud, though. It was too hard. The dead woman was frozen in my mind.

“I told you I wouldn’t judge you once you became a hunter.”

“I know.” A lump resided in the back of my throat.

“I’m not going to lie – you look horrible. What happened to your hand?”

I rolled up my sleeve and pushed it past my shoulder. The scratches from the woman were almost healed, but you could still see the lines that made their way up like snakes.

“Who did this to you?”

I shook my head. “It’s nothing. It was my fault.”

“Did the skryers beat you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters. Why would you say it doesn’t matter?”

I changed the subject. “Are you growing a beard?” I reached out and touched his face. My finger grazed the stubble on his chin.

“Way to change the subject.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s painful enough as it is to remember.”

“Have you been…out…since then?” Sam asked.

“No. That was the only time.”

“Hm.” Sam clicked his tongue. “It’s been quiet without you. I’ve had to talk to Bronte almost daily.” He rolled his eyes. “You have no idea what a drag she can be.”

I smiled. “A real piece of work.”

Sam eyed my arm. “Let me give you something for that.” He went over to the medicine cabinet and pulled out a few bottles. I still wanted to ask him about Mary, but my nerves were getting the best of me at the moment. Sam came back over with a rag and a three small bottles.

“Here.”

I rolled up my other sleeve and watched as he dabbed the cloth with liquid and held it against my upper arm.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Has anything happened, you know, with Mary? Since I’ve been gone?”

“Not really. We have some documents that Mary’s collected, but the plan needs work.”

“I want to help.”

“Since when did you become so determined to escape?”

“We deserve better than this. Me, you…everyone.” I winced. Sam’s hand was squeezing my arm.

“Sorry,” Sam said. He loosened his grip.

“It’s okay.” I bit my lip. “I hope my involvement in the plan doesn't upset Mary.”

“I can’t see why it would.” Sam didn’t understand that I was hinting at his speculated relationship with Mary. Sam finished up my left arm then started on my right. I heard footsteps and followed Sam’s gaze to see Mary striding in.
Speak of the devil and she will appear.

“Hey Sam.”

“Oh, hey.” He waved her over.

“I wanted to swing by for any pick-ups. What is
she
doing here?”

“She’s a friend, Mary.”

A friend.

Let it go, Violet.

Mary rolled her eyes and rested her hands on Sam’s shoulder. “I need to talk with you privately.”

“I’m in the middle of something.”

“It needs to be now.” She snatched up his elbow and jerked him away.

Sam gave me an apologetic shrug as he was dragged over to the medicine cabinet. I wanted to wait for Sam so we could talk more but I feared I wouldn’t have the guts to say what I really felt anyway. My eyes followed Sam as I got off the bed and walked past him.

“You can’t come by for pick-ups during my day shift. Bronte is watching.”

“My shift ended early downstairs so I thought I’d swing by before I was missed. It’s not that easy sneaking in here, you know.”

“I know, I know. I don’t have anything yet, but I’ll let you know.”

“We can’t keep putting this off. The longer we wait, the higher the risk of us getting caught.”

“We’ll escape, trust me. Just not yet.”

“Whatever, I’m out of here.”