MEMORIAM (15 page)

I began shuffling through his things, searching in the small cubby next to his bed, only to find a ring and a spare jumpsuit. Sam’s bed was the only place left to check. I rolled Sam over and lifted the corner of the mattress, peering underneath. My hunch was right. Near the center was a small bottle with a thirty-one written on it. It was the same bottle I’d seen Sam use on patients who had suffered bad bruises.

I sat down on the edge of the bed next and unscrewed the cap on the bottle, pouring some of the liquid into my hand and dabbing it on Sam’s neck. There was a
swoosh
of a door opening and Mary stepped inside. She sat down beside Sam.

“I hid the weapons. Where’d you find that?” She pointed at the medicine in my hand.

“Under his mattress. I figured he’d have medicine hidden somewhere in his room, being a healer and all.”

“I should have thought of that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. Any healer would keep medicine in his room.” She held her head in her hands.

“There is no point in beating yourself up about it.” I dabbed more medicine on Sam’s neck. “How did this happen?”

Mary bit her lip. “Sam and I were…arguing…in the healing center. He told me it wasn’t safe to steal medicine anymore, that I was going to get caught, but I ignored him. I grabbed some ointments from the cabinet and left the healing center.” She shook her head. “It’s like they knew the minute I’d stolen them.”

“Who?”

“Who else?”

Skryers. Of course.

Mary continued. “A skryer caught me within seconds of leaving. He pulled out his whip. I was this close- ” she held up her thumb and pointer finger, holding them together, “ -to being whipped. If Sam hadn’t been there I’d be sliced salami.”

“What happened?”

“He tackled the skryer.”

“He did what?” Leave it to Sam to interfere for the sake of someone else’s life.

“Sam managed to get a few punches in before another skryer intervened.” Mary’s voice grew quiet. “The skryer choked him. I tried pulling the skryer off but it was too late. Sam was unconscious.”

“How’d you get him here?”

“Bronte helped – you know, that redhead who works with Sam. I should have listened to him.” Mary’s fingers grazed Sam’s arm. I tried not to notice but I did. My insides churned. I couldn’t wait any longer; I had to know what was happening between Mary and Sam.

“How long has it been since…”

Be brave.

But what if it’s not the outcome I want to hear?

“Since what?”

“You and Sam.”

“Excuse me?”

“I know you don’t trust me,” I rushed, “but it was inevitable that I was going to find out about you two.”

“Sam and I are not partners.”

“Oh god,” I said. My shoulders fell as I sighed in relief. So many emotions were running through me. Mary’s face was unreadable. Was she angry or relieved?

“I thought it was obvious that he’s undeniably in love with you.”

“Wait, what?”

She rolled her eyes and pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin between them. “You really are clueless, aren’t you? Haven’t you noticed the way he looks at you? He never looks at me like that. Most men don’t, of course. One more reason to be bitter about life.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Don’t say shit you don’t mean.”

“Look, I know we’ve had our differences- ”

“ -I’ll say.”

“ -but that doesn’t mean we should stand by and let those differences ruin our friendship.”

She scoffed. “Friendship? That’s rich, coming from you.”

“Friends trust each other. I mean, we haven’t gotten along very well so far, but I trust you because Sam does. He isn’t the kind of guy to take things lightly. There’s a reason he chose you as an ally.”

Mary glared at the ceiling and dabbed her eyes. She was crying. I’d never seen her show so much emotion. It seemed wrong to reach out and comfort her, so I stayed where I was.

“I suppose I’m jealous of what you and Sam have. I’ve never had that,” Mary said.

“You don’t need to apologize.”

“I do. I’m an ass.”

“I don’t think you have a big butt, if that’s what you mean.” I eyed her and her mouth twitched, then she let out a giggle. I laughed, too. My shoulder shook and my muscles contracted as I fell over against the bed laughing. My mind flashed back to an image of Sam and me in a meadow laughing incessantly. It was the same meadow that I daydreamed about, but in this particular memory my head was in Sam’s lap and I could feel his stomach shaking against my skin.

A bond formed between Mary and me. We were no longer rivals. We both wanted Sam, but it wasn’t the main issue that stood between us anymore. It was as if the playing field was leveled and we had both come out on even ground. When I eyed Mary she seemed happier, lighter somehow, as if she’d eased her burden. It made me think that perhaps honesty, as hard as it was to share, was the key to peace.

Once the laughing had subsided, I turned my focus back to Sam. I applied more ointment to his eyes, careful not to let it slide down his cheek.

“So do you like him back?”

“Sam? I do but…” I hesitated.

“There’s a but,” Mary finished for me.

I nodded.

“You want my advice? Life is short. Just because we’re planning to escape doesn’t mean we’re going to be alive to see it actually happen. Sam almost died today. I don’t mean to rush you, but if you really care about him then you’ll tell him how you feel instead of hanging him out to dry.”

“You think so?”

“Last time I checked, life doesn’t offer any guarantees. I believe it’s called taking a
risk.
You should try it some time.”

I smiled. “It makes sense why Sam is friends with you.”

“No need to get sentimental.”

“Have you guys talked about what you’ll do once you escape?”

“I want to find my cousin. Rumor has it she’s hiding out in Alister.”

“How old is she?”

“Seventeen.”

“What about your parents?”

“My parents decided they didn’t want me when I was three. My aunt took me in and raised me as her own after that. I would go after her but she died a few years ago when the Head was instated.” She fiddled with the edge of Sam’s blanket.

“I’m sorry. What was her name?”

“Cleo.” Mary fell silent. I took it that Mary didn't want to talk anymore, so I went back to applying ointment on the rest of Sam’s bruises.

“I’d better go,” Mary said.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?”

She shook her head. “Tell him how you feel while you still can, Violet. I’ll come by later to see how he’s doing, K?”

“Thank you.”

Mary, I realized, was like a sister I never had. It was a friendship I never pictured forming, and over Sam, too. I hoped Mary’s feelings weren’t hurt, though. It must be painful to be rejected by someone you care for. I hoped Mary’s suggestion to tell Sam how I really felt wasn’t misleading. It was time he knew.

“I mean it,” I added.

Mary went over the door and slipped out. Sam began to stir. I shifted my weight so I was sitting next to him, and smiled as he opened his eyes.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” He groaned when he tried to sit up. I pushed him back down.

“I wouldn’t attempt that just yet. How are you feeling?”

“Raw,” he replied.

“My diagnosis is you will be back to normal in a week.”

Sam smiled. “Only a week, huh?”

The butterflies kicked in. His damn smile was too perfect.

You can do this. You care about him.

What if I end up getting hurt, or worse, hurting him?

If you care about him you’ll take that risk.

I was trying to gather courage but no words formed. I just kept smiling like an idiot at Sam, my mouth frozen, my brain unable to function.

“Is Mary okay?” Sam asked.

“She is shaken, but not hurt. After she brought you back to your room she found me.” Sam’s hand was so close to mine. My fingertips grazed Sam’s thumb. “I’m glad you’re okay. I mean, this condition isn’t ideal but- ”

“I know what you mean.”

“Right.”

Sam’s thumb ran along my wrist and traced my Pax tattoo. I tried to steady my breathing but it was no use. I probably sounded like a maniac runner.
Tell him, Vi. Do it.

I can’t.

“Something on your mind?” Sam asked.

“What makes you say that?”

“You’re oddly quiet. Usually I’m the one who can’t keep up.” He chuckled, then moved his hand so it was entwined in mine. “Vi, there’s something I’ve been- ”

“I can’t compromise our friendship for this,” I blurted. Where had that come from? It was like someone had spoken for me. I wanted to hit myself over the head. Sam’s face said it all. He seemed taken aback by my abrupt outburst. “I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I…care…about you in a way that…okay, this is coming out all wrong.”

“I’m confused.”

I slowed my words down, taking a deep breath. “I like you. A lot.”

“I like you, too.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s just it. I can’t sacrifice ‘us’ for ‘this.’” I gestured to our hands. All my anxiety from Memoriam was getting to me. Why was I telling myself no when I wanted this?

Sam’s forehead creased. “I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal that I liked you. I only wanted you to know so- ”

“It doesn’t change our friendship. It can’t.”

“Seriously? How can you expect our friendship not to change when we both like each other?” Sam was trying to speak but nothing was coming out. “I don’t get it. At all.”

“You’re my best friend,” I whispered.

“I’m not saying you owe me anything, but I think it’s naive of you to expect our friendship to stay the same when we obviously both want more…you know what? It’s not worth fighting about.”

“Sam- ”

“You should go. You probably have a training session to get to.”

Holding back was sure to be my downfall, or at least what I was afraid of. I wanted Sam, but I was scared of what would happen if I did. This fear clutched my heart and no matter how hard I tried to shake it, it hung there between Sam and I. 

The feeling was similar to Memoriam. It seemed that in my dreams I was always running  from the Head, Sam, or memories I didn’t recognize. Seeing unfamiliar faces and places scared me. Had I been there? Was this really a result of me being afraid, so I blocked it out of my mind like I had my panic attack back at the Head’s mansion?

I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. I know I was acting selfishly when I told Sam I’d rather have him as a best friend than as a partner. He deserved more than that because I did have feelings for him, but I wasn’t sure what would happen if I acted on those. Our friendship was strong enough to threaten the Head. What would a partnership do? Whatever the outcome, I cared for Sam and wanted him to know that. Mary was right. It was time to take a risk.

I turned abruptly and went back down the hall, hesitating as I stood by Sam’s door. It was now or never.

Sam was standing at the foot of his bed when I opened the door, his top half of his jumpsuit hanging around his hips.

“What’re you- ”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. I want this.” My breath was staggered. I crossed the room and found Sam’s hand, gripping it tightly and meeting those blue eyes that left me breathless. He was so close now. His breath ran down my throat and warmed my chest. I reached up and touched his face, my fingers wrapping around the back of his neck and pulling him in.

I kissed him. A buzz ran through my body, fear erupting inside. It was like a memory was triggered. I pushed past that, leaning against Sam so our bodies were aligned with one another. My back pressed up against the wall. I needed to go further. This fear wasn’t going to continue to control me. His arms wrapped themselves around my waist and tightened. My hands moved down to his chest and lingered at the fold of his jumpsuit. My heart throbbed wildly as I parted my lips. It was intoxicating.

I gasped as he pushed away. “What?”

“What made you change your mind so fast?”

I ran my fingers along the collar of his shirt. “I’m sick of playing it safe. I want to start taking risks, no matter the outcome.”

“You’ll never have to worry about that with me.” Sam pulled me into a tight hug, pulling me into his chest. “I’m not a risk.”

“I know.” Those words came out of my mouth before I had time to think. It was true, though. I was falling fast for Sam, and although love was scary as shit in my book, I knew Sam wouldn’t screw this up. If anything, he’d make me feel whole again.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Your next mission will commence in five minutes.
It was the same routine as before. I gathered my pack and headed down to the weaponry. It was early in the morning when I had said goodbye to Sam as I left his room. There was still that fear that I’d lose him as we transformed our friendship into something more, but for the time being I couldn’t let myself think about it.  

Malina and Sev weren’t there yet. Zanna and Vince stood together next to a large cop. Vince smiled at me. I came over and stood next to Vince, crossing my arms.

“How are you?” Vince asked.

“Fine.”

“Something is troubling you. I can see it in your eyes.”

Zanna glanced at me then back at Vince. She probably had no idea what we were talking about. I rarely talked to Zanna for the most part. She was the hunter in our group who kept her head down. The most she ever said about herself was how she promised to chop her hair off when she got out of the base.

I stepped past Vince and got into the cop. Malina and Sev came a few minutes later looking out of breath. If they were secretly together, was their relationship casual as was common in the base, or was it more serious?

The cop rumbled and lifted off the ground. What I appreciated about cops was that they had windows, unlike magnuses. I gazed out of the small window at the ground as it became smaller and smaller. The base was weird to look at from above. As we went higher up, I pulled up my sleeve and ran a hand over my white Pax symbol; two hands holding up a heart. The base replicated the Pax symbol almost exactly from above. I thought that strange. Why would the Head put so much effort in designing something like this? It made me wonder how long he had been planning this overthrow.