Minus Me (9 page)

Oscar leaps over to the dimmer switch and turns the lights low. Linda reaches into the bag and takes out a miniature disco-ball and a torch. She hands the torch to Maria who switches it on and shines it at the little disco-ball, so that flashes of light scatter across the room, but mostly on the birthday girl herself, who is fixing the disco-ball under the ceiling lamp.

‘This may not be the world’s biggest disco-ball, but it’s time for some action!’ shouts Linda. But as Linda jumps down from the chair, she stumbles. The bodies in the room freeze. Linda steadies herself and shakes her head, making the tiara go wonky.

‘Don’t worry! Only joking!’ she says, laughing as convincingly as she can.

Daddy sends her an insecure smile before he turns up the music, and Linda shoves the chair to the side and starts swaying her hips. You’ve got to go for it, she thinks to herself, starting to wave her arms above her head too. Maria puts away the torch and does the same. Oscar and Markus are the first two boys to venture out onto the dance floor. But soon everybody’s bobbing up and down and singing ‘we will rock you’. It may be a really old track, but it’s brilliant to shout to.

As she jumps up and down, Linda can feel the necklace that Oscar gave her for her birthday dancing against her skin. And she can feel his gaze too. She turns to him, touches the little dolphin charm that hangs from the chain, and smiles. He smiles back and comes closer, his cheeks flushed. He’s right up close now. As a slow track begins, Oscar takes Linda’s hand. Linda looks around for Maria, and sees her nodding encouragingly.

But Linda pulls away from Oscar. She grabs an empty 7-Up bottle and shouts that it’s time for spin-the-bottle. Dad turns down the music, to the protests of a few couples. Henrik, who has glued himself onto Ella, does nothing to hide his annoyance.

‘Spin-the-bottle! How childish is that?’ he says, with his hand firmly planted on Ella’s bum.

‘Shut up, loser,’ says Markus, thumping Henrik in the back of his head.

‘Weed,’ says Henrik, pushing Markus with his free hand.

‘Everybody sit on the floor in a circle!’ Maria orders, sitting herself down.

Everybody follows suit, all apart from Henrik.

Linda kneels down in the middle of the circle.

‘New rules!’ says Linda, looking around her. ‘I’m the only one who spins the bottle, and I’m the only one who gets to ask the questions!’

‘They’re stupid rules,’ says Henrik, looking for support. But when nobody shows any sign of agreeing, he sits down like the others.

Linda gazes around the circle. Most people have already got their eyes fixed on the bottle, and those who meet her gaze are quick to look away, either at their neighbours or at the floor. Linda sets the bottle in motion. It spins quickly a few times before slowing down and finally stopping to point at one of the girls in the other class.

‘Sofie, if I die now, how will you remember me?’

‘Are you sure this is a good idea, Linda?’ whispers Maria.

‘Shh. I’m the one asking questions round here. Well, Sofie?’

‘Your dress, and how amazing you look right now,’ says Sofie.

‘Tonight doesn’t count. It’s got to be a memory from before.’

‘I’m sorry,’ says Sofie, biting her lip. ‘Er . . . your pink jacket. The one you had at junior school.’

‘You are soo wrong! I have never had a pink jacket. I hate pink,’ Linda says, preparing to spin the bottle again.

‘Am I out, then?’ asks Sofie hesitantly.

‘No, you just sit there.’

Linda spins the bottle again.

‘Tina?’

‘That’s easy. You put a worm in our teacher’s salad once. It was disgusting,’ says Tina, giggling, and making everyone else laugh too. Linda grins with satisfaction. She wants to be remembered for being funny and tough.

She sets the bottle in motion again. This time it stops in front of a small, skinny boy from the other class.

‘Kristian?’

‘Kristoffer,’ he says.

‘Oh, yes!’

Linda suddenly thinks that Maria might be right. Perhaps this game isn’t the best idea after all.

‘My name is Kristoffer, and I remember you pushing me into a pond in year 5. Then you told everybody I’d wet myself. And it wasn’t true.’

‘But you must have realized it was a joke,’ says Linda, reaching for the bottle. I don’t want to hear anything more from that wimp, she thinks. The blood pounds in her ears, and she can feel them going red. Typical.

‘And last year you put ants in my lunch box.’

‘Oh, c’mon! Is that such a big deal?’ says Oscar, with a sigh.

‘She forced me to eat them. It was disgusting. And for the rest of the day everybody called me an anteater.’

‘But it was just a bit of fun,’ says Linda faintly. She knows she never apologized, and she remembers threatening to beat him up if he told. Just don’t think about it, she says to herself. Just forget it! Just suppress it. But one person who hasn’t forgotten or suppressed it is Kristoffer, and right now he’s like a dog with a bone.

‘But just because you find things funny, doesn’t mean other people find them funny!’ says Kristoffer. His voice grows louder and cracks on the last word. There’s a red rash appearing on his neck.

Linda doesn’t answer. She is about to spin the bottle again, but Kristoffer grabs it and holds it tight.

‘But she didn’t mean any harm. Did you, Linda?’ says Maria, leaning forward and loosening Kristoffer’s grip.

‘Won’t you even say sorry?’ asks Kristoffer, glaring at Linda.

‘I’m sorry,’ says Linda, unable to meet his eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’

Then she gets up and as she leaves she can hear Kristoffer shouting after her, asking if she really means it.

‘Yes,’ she says. ‘I really do mean it.’

But she can’t bring herself to face him as she says it.

‘Thank you,’ she hears Kristoffer say.

Linda doesn’t answer him. She just runs out and slips into the bathroom. Then she locks the door behind her.

Chapter 19

Through the door Linda can hear that the music’s gone back on. She stands with her eyes closed, and sniffs the comforting fragrance of her grandmother’s perfume that still seems to hang within the walls of the flat. What would Granny say if she were here now? If she knew what kind of person Linda really is. Just the thought of it makes her eyelids sting. Linda wishes her guests could just disappear, and be gone when she comes out. She wishes she could turn the clock back. She sees Kristoffer before her, and all those faces around them. Faces that say: is this guy out of his mind? Or do they say the opposite? Perhaps these faces say: what an awful thing to do! Linda’s so bad; it’s good she’s going to die! Had Linda really been so unaware that she was upsetting Kristoffer? No, she has to admit it had occurred to her. It’s just that it was so easy to do. So tempting. Can she help it if there’s something about Kristoffer that screams out to be picked on? He gets so easily worked up. And then it’s all the more fun. Anteater! Everybody else had thought it was hilarious. Nobody said it was wrong. Whoops, that’s not entirely true; Maria had been cross with her and hadn’t talked to her for days.

Which is why she knows it’s Maria who’s standing outside the door now. She can sense her presence, even though Maria hasn’t said a thing yet, or even knocked on the door.

Perhaps that’s why her heart stopped? Because she’s too despicable to be allowed to live? Because she’s the kind of person who bullies weaker people to make other people laugh, so she feels she’s tough and popular.

She takes out her mobile. No new messages. Not a thing from Axel. Her birthday isn’t actually till tomorrow, but still. She brings her hand to her neck and touches the little dolphin charm from Oscar. Poor Oscar. Does he know she’s only with him to get some practice with boys? That she doesn’t really love him? She closes her eyes, her fingers still clutching the dolphin. She imagines Axel; the sun reflecting in the saltwater droplets that scatter onto his face like rain. She can almost feel herself treading the water, his breath against her cheek. His hand tucking a lock of wet hair behind her ear. His lips parting. She can feel herself pull back because she thinks he’s going to kiss her.

‘You’re like a dolphin,’ he said, before diving down below the surface and disappearing. And now here she is, wearing a dolphin necklace that’s been given to her by Oscar. It’s all wrong. She gets up and puts her phone into camera mode, and takes a selfie. From above. It makes your eyes look bigger if you gaze up into the lens. She stares at the picture. She looks so innocent, wearing her tiara and pretty dress. And with the angle of the picture it seems as if she’s got a bit of a bust. Everything’s just fake. She sits down on the toilet seat and writes a text under the picture.

‘Hope you haven’t forgotten it’s my birthday tomorrow? Dolphin-girl.’

There’s a soft knock at the door. Linda looks up from the text.

‘Yes?’

‘It’s me. Maria. Are you alright?’

‘Yes. Wait a minute,’ says Linda, erasing the message.

She takes a square of toilet paper, moistens it under the tap, and wipes away the smudgy mascara from under her eyes. Then she throws the paper in the toilet and flushes it, before unlocking the door.

‘Linda, what are you doing?’

‘Who knows? Having a party?’

‘Everybody’s wondering where you are.’

‘Everybody thinks I’m a bitch. Has Kristoffer gone?’

‘Yes,’ says Maria, stroking Linda’s hair.

‘Hmm. I’d forgotten what happened. But he’s right. I did pick on him. I thought it was fun. I didn’t even consider his feelings. They weren’t important. It was the same when I hid that worm in the teacher’s salad. All I thought about was making other people laugh. I’m an egotistical monster. Why do you even hang around with me? Why does Oscar want to be my boyfriend? And why did everybody come to my party?’

‘Because they like you. And I like you. Don’t you get it?’

‘But I’m not a nice person. And the worst thing is, I didn’t have any bad conscience about picking on Kristoffer. Even now, I can’t stop thinking he’s a bit pathetic. But he’s right. I did bully him. And I’m not even sure if I’ve apologized in the right way. What’s the right way to apologize?’

‘But Kristoffer accepted your apology,’ says Maria.

Linda doesn’t answer, but lets her friend put her arms round her. It’s easy for her, thinks Linda. Maria is so perfect. She’s popular without being cool or tough.

‘What’s it like to believe in God, Maria?’

She doesn’t quite know why she’s dragged God into the conversation suddenly. Perhaps because she’s behaved so badly. Perhaps that’s when we need God most. So we can say sorry and believe that he’s sitting up in Heaven somewhere, scratching his chin a bit, before smiling kindly and saying: ‘That’s alright, my child.’

‘It’s a good feeling, I suppose. But then I don’t have anything to compare it with. I’ve never had to make an effort to believe in God, if you know what I mean.’

‘Ever since I was told I could be cured if I got a new heart, I’ve been fantasizing about accidents. Imagining that someone with a suitable heart is killed, so I can have their heart and live on. Do people who believe in God think like that too?’

‘Linda, I want you to live too. I also want you to get a new heart.’

‘Perhaps you could include it in your prayers one night? When you’re having a chat with God?’

‘I already do. But perhaps you should try and talk to Him yourself?’

‘I don’t know how. Where do you get to this guy? In church? Or what?’

‘He’s everywhere. But mostly, he’s in your heart,’ says Maria, placing a hand on Linda’s chest.

‘Hmm, that’s what you think!’ says Linda, gently pushing her friend’s hand away. ‘Let’s go back to the others.’

‘Linda . . .’

‘Yes?’

‘I love you. I really do.’

‘I know,’ says Linda.

Chapter 20

There’s still music and dancing out there in the room that Granny used to call the library. The Pet Shop Boys’ song ‘Together’ is playing. Daddy looks up from the computer screen with a concerned wrinkle between his eyebrows. Linda smiles and gives him a second thumbs-up for the evening. She can see him breathing out in relief before he puts on a slower track. The bodies on the dance floor shift tempo. They seem to hesitate, unsure if they should desert the dance floor or find another body to dance closer to. Henrik does not hesitate, he zooms in on Ella like a heat-seeking missile.

Linda feels a hand on her arm. It’s Oscar.

‘Do you want to dance with me?’ he asks.

‘Alright,’ she whispers, letting him lead her out onto the dance floor. He puts his hands gently on either side of her waist, and she puts hers on his shoulders. They are face-to-face.

‘That’s a great dress,’ he says.

‘Thanks.’

And then she’ll ask me, ‘Do I look O
K
?’ And I’ll say,‘Yes, you look wonderful . . 
.’ Oscar and Linda both smile; Linda because the words of the song fit so perfectly with what Oscar just said about her dress, and Oscar because – well heaven knows why, and she’s not about to ask.